I never wanted to be back here

Old 01-01-2018, 08:47 PM
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I never wanted to be back here

I'll try to make a very long story short. Divorced AH 8 years ago due to drinking, he went to AA, counseling, etc. I remarried him the same year. He stayed sober for a few years and then gradually started drinking again and with every month and year that went by my line of what I would tolerate also moved further and further. Fast forward to a few weeks ago while picking up my daughter at school, the principal comes out to tell me that she had shared with a friend (who in turn shared with the principal...thank goodness!) that her dad drinks too much and she was afraid he would hurt her mom (me) or himself. So it must be dealt with again and I have all sorts of emotions about how and why I have let it get to this point, but I'm trying not to beat myself up too badly and just move forward to repair what damage I can. When I discussed the situation with him, he said he would "just quit". We all know how that went.....he did, for two whole weeks, then woke up 2 days ago and downed a couple liters of vodka, picking up right where he left off.

I have been open with my family and a few close friends, which is different than last time. I have a couple adult children now who are also very supportive. I'm not even sure what I am looking for here, other than maybe a place to hash out my thoughts and get support for doing the hard things. Even that sounds silly, because really, haven't I been doing the hard things all along?!

Thanks for listening. I appreciate it.
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Old 01-01-2018, 09:18 PM
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I'm sorry you find yourself back where you were a few years ago with your husband drinking again. I think you more than likely know that you haven't done anything to let it go this far because you have no control over what your husband does with his drinking. I do get it though. My H ha dsropped many times before and was sober (but a dry drunk since he never sought any kind of help and just quit on his own) for a year when he restarted again almost 2.5 years ago. At that point I decided I was going to let it take its natural course and see where it would go. I figured if I confronted him he would more than likely stop again on his own only for him to start drinking again after a while and that obviously had not worked in the past. I did struggle with the decision somewhat after I finally confronted him 15 months ago but I know nothing was really gonna change unless things got really bad. He has said before that he knew he could no longer drink but somehow forgot about that again later on. I don't think he would've gotten serious about getting help if I had spoken up before. He did get help and has been 15 months sober and has changed a lot for the better. That said, it took a real toll on the relationship and we are still struggling immensely. I often wished he had take it seriously 2.5 years ago and sought treatment then, I think things would've been much different for us relationship wise. But there is nothing I could've done to make him get help a that point. And even though I gave him an ultimatum 15 months ago (because I really was done and serious about walking out if he didn't get help and be open about his problem ) he told me later that he did feel he was getting to the point where he felt like he needed to do something.

If your daughter fears for your and hers safety you need to have a plan in place for you. Do you have any friends or family you can stay with for a while until you figure out where to go. And please get help for yourself (alanon and/or indivual therapy) and if you haven't already read codependent no more (or reread it if it has been a while). Being open about it with your friends and family is definitely a plus. My H never drank in front of anyone at home and no one knew about it but me. It was isolating for me because my friends knew something was up but I could never be honest about it . Once it was out in the open it was such a relief to be able to talk about it. I also strongly believe that if it had stayed a secret my H would not have been successful at sobering up. So it being out in the open is a step forward it seems like to me.
Please keep yourself and you daughter safe. I think it speaks volumes that she is worried. Take care of both of you. There is nothing that you can do to make him stop drinking unless he is ready to do it himself (which I'm sure you know since you've been through this before).

Stay strong and take care of you. Hugs
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Old 01-01-2018, 09:40 PM
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Thank you! Yes, I have a place to go. She spoke with the principal and said she did not feel her or her brother were unsafe, he has never been physically violent, just mouthy and annoying, but she worries about me. I don't feel I am in danger, but it clearly isn't okay for her to live in fear. I would much prefer he leave since there are 3 of us and a dog. I've spoken with an attorney and I don't think there's any way for me to make that happen. I guess it's past time to get a plan together.
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Old 01-02-2018, 06:03 AM
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I am sorry to hear you are going through this again. Going through it once is certainly the hardest situation I have ever been in.
Thinking of you and sending hugs!
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Old 01-02-2018, 06:22 AM
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Dear Blessed-4X first I am truly glad you are back here.. you have to have a safe and solid place to air your heart an soul and mind.. and this group of people are it.. hold on tight... But I am not sorry that you are back here.. why.. because it will never get truly better.. I know that for a fact... even your dreams will be plagued with what you are going thro.. trust this old lady.. My hubby because of a special bit of med that works with the areas of his brain .. is recovering... but know what he never will be the man of 1992 again.. he does have his moments... but .. I do have a watchful eye open all the time... and now the talk of legal maryjane I do fear his habits of the 1970' and 1980's very much..
this group I will be with until I am no more... why because I am safe here sound and can blog on my page my heart and there are people that will never know except this group ... stay here forever for you are safer here then your own home.. truly...
babe prayers and hopes to you and your family for a better 2018...ardy
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Old 01-02-2018, 06:43 AM
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Hi, blessed.
Welcome back.
What does the attorney say with regard to your husband leaving?
It seems reasonable for him to leave while he gets his act together.
Maybe you need a different attorney?
Ultimately, you need to do what you need to do.
But..as the adult child of an alcoholic, I cannot stress enough the long term effects of alcohol addiction on the family, especially the children.
He can be the best dad on the planet when he’s sober, but he isn’t always sober.
Good luck.
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