BrunetteBabe05

Umm wow yourself! I'm being called a racist for saying that my boyfriend's type is black girls? Should I have said African American? How was I being racist? I was making the point I felt inadequate that he said that to me drunk, because I'm white.

Please don't ever call me a racist and say that when I'm not. I don't judge anyone by their skin color and my best friend who died was half black, half cuban. She was literally my soulmate, my sister, my everything, and she was absolutely beautiful. So, please don't ever say something I'm not. Racism is very ugly, and I didn't know I was being racist. That's just insane to think I was.

BrunetteBabe05

I really don't know why I love him. I guess because when I received those letters of him owning up and saying he was deeply sorry for all of the specific things he did to me, I thought this could be repaired because he never owned up to anything in his life. He always blamed other people. For once, he was praising me, and acknowledging how good I was to him. With that said I thought things could change and me being away from him, I thought would wake him up. But you're right. I shouldn't be with him. He just keeps making up excuses and keeps apologizing that he lied to me. I just don't know what to believe anymore. I am a good girl, and don't deserve any of this in my life. I'm an honest girl too, but I can't seem to let go again.

BrunetteBabe05

You're right.

BrunetteBabe05

Thank you, but for some reason it's so hard to let go. I really thought he woke up this time, but yeah the lies and deceit that followed are completely messed up and hurt me. He just keeps apologizing. I don't know if I should forgive him or not, but I appreciate your kind words. I'm trying to figure my rattled brain out. Xoxo.

CentralOhioDad

A's are good at apologies - and then go right back to their bad behaviour. And then apologize again. Rinse, repeat. Words coming from an addict's mouth mean very little to me, I want to see actions and positive results.

BrunetteBabe05

So, I approached him why he is with me and wasn't with Layna, and why he denied her if that was his type? I told him I felt inadequate. He of course, like old times *rolls eyes* doesn't take it well and answers me in an angry tone of voice. I got a bit angry and said "I'm having a discussion. This is immature. I'm asking you questions because I don't know what to do, and I want to know your side of the story." He was already agitated when I got there. He was like pounding his fists on the table, and was like "I don't have a ******* type Olivia. I said that to you because I was mean, abusive drunk who wanted to hurt you." I said "oh. Ummm...well you hit up these women even when we were broken up and you talked to black girls all the time flirting with them even when we were together." He said "yeah because I was a piece of **** drunk, can we drop this. I can't really handle this conversation anymore." I said "fine." With an attitude. Because I feel like he was just being immature. He turns everything into an argument, instead of just keerping it at a mature discussion. Then he went on to say it was so stupid and ridiculous. No it's not! I need to know my position with him! Maybe he shouldn't have put all of these insecurities on me, and I wouldn't be questioning him. I told him that. He said "I gave you an answer and it still wasn't good enough."

Then as we are talking to his friend, a girl walked by and smiled at him. I said "ohh you both like each other? She smiled at you." His friend said "naw she's cool. She got a bf. But everyone screws everyone in here. It's so easy to do it. I only mess around with the alcoholics I won't mess around with the junkies." He was looking at me and my bf. My bf said "yeah, no thanks. I'm good." I'm thinking "what?" I would've more been like "well luckily I don't have to worry about that because I got a good girlfriend." I didn't like his response. So I got upset about that and asked him why his friend was looking at him, like to confess to me or something? He got angry at that and said "no Olivia." I said "I don't like hearing that everyone screws everyone in there. I'm thinking oh great when I heard that." He said "so what?" I said "so what? WTF do you mean by that?" He said "so what because I don't care what everyone else is doing. You obviously don't have trust in me."

So we agreed to not speak to each other because I felt he was making mountains out of molehills instead of understanding where I'm coming from. He wasn't reassuring, and loving at all. I'm the type of person I want resolution. Whether that means breaking up or making up. I don't like to leave things unresolved, plus my anxiety was getting the best of me. So, I broke the NC to see what he wanted to do. He said he wanted to be with me, but he's acting different. He's just not as loving, seems disgusted, and is now saying "you know I don't know how people can screw around in here because there's cameras." I said "plus don't they check the rooms?" He said "mhmm." It went from "so what I'm not doing it." To "I don't know how because there's cameras here and people don't do that here." I felt like he was switching up crap when he could've said that from the getgo.

The most loving thing he said out of that convo was "I love you. Have a good night." But he was just normal with me and talking about his meds. My therapist said to let it go because his chemicals are all over the place, but it's taking a toll on me. I don't know what to do. He doesn't miss me like he usually does. He doesn't seem to care to talk to me anymore. This is all me thinking this. But I don't know what to do. My therapist says to let it go but it's hard when this person owes you big time for the crap they did. I don't know what to do. I fear he's screwing other women in there. I have a lot of insecurities about that. I feel like he's not as emotional ever since I brought up the STD thing he's been different with me. He wants the relationship and us stay there, but yet he's not that loving, not that great, and acting immature when I need to discuss things.

honeypig

BB--nothing changes if nothing changes. Your posts are all the same, all about HIM. What are you doing for YOU? How are you changing YOUR life? Although you say you understand that reasoning with addiction is a fool's errand, you continue to do exactly that, over and over, with the very predictable same result. You continue to fixate on the small details when those are only the symptom, NOT the problem...

It's not that I don't get it. I do. It's not that I think it doesn't hurt. I know very well, from up close and personal experience, that it does.

But it boils down to this: Let go or be dragged, my friend.

1) Unclench your hands and let go of what's not for you, and experience freedom and peace, or

2) Continue to hang on tight and suffer.

The choice is all yours. Just let me assure you that there really and truly IS a much better life awaiting you. If you want more proof, read around the forum. It's the truth, and all that you need to do to start making it happen is to take one step at a time in that direction.

SparkleKitty

BB, if this is not what you want from a relationship, you are not obligated to stay on the hook for him. If you want a partner who is more attentive to your needs then that is what you deserve--but he may not be the one to give it to you.

tomsteve

and acting immature when I need to discuss things.

reads like you were not having conversation in private-1 on 1. reads like in the middle of a bar. kind of immature.
honestly,this all reads like high school drama. might be time for ya to graduate and take care of yourself

dandylion

BrunetteBabe.....yes, there does to seem to be a big trust issue...for good reasons, I think. (by the way, when a couple is "broken up"...they do have the freedom to see who they want...the way I look at it).....
Please...please...learn more about the natural course of alcoholism....read all of the articles that were recommended to you....

Once trust is broken, it takes a long time of trustworthy actions to allow it to mend.....in his case...being an alcoholic, it will take a year to grab on to the principles of AA...honesty, humility, etc. Many say that it is longer 2-3 years or more. In addition, one has to live by those principles and work the program for the rest of their lives. the disease is not ever "cured"...it is just put I nto remission.
You cannot get trust back by trying to make the person be trustworthy....it has to totally come from within them....

It looks, to me, like he is functioning at about the junior high school level, regarding relationships. Very immature....even given that he is in the early phases of recovery....
It will take him quite a while to grow up...even if he does grab onto the program and stick with it....
Ask yourself if you want to give these precious years of your life waiting for an adult to grow up...

It seems like your major battle, right now, is to get him to become a trusting, attentive loving boyfriend...like, now. I believe that his major battle, right how is to fight the desire for the next drink (24/7)....and to cope with getting from day to day....
Harranging him and demanding answers and actions, I think, will only make the tension greater. He likely doesn't have an answers...or any that you would like, anyway.....He is a mess, internally, and would probably want you to just chill out and leave him the hell alone.....
I suspect you are wanting more than he has the ability or motivation to give....

I think it would be best for you and your future happiness if you backed off from him....cut him free...and work on developing your own self and your own life....

Lol...go back and read the other posts that I made to you, on this thread...and, read the literature that has been recommended.....
You might also order "Co-Dependent No More"....it I a real easy read and I think a lot will resonate with you....

Carol Star

I would work on my own self-esteem. You will never trust him again. He does not sound like very much of a prize.

AnvilheadII

Then as we are talking to his friend, a girl walked by and smiled at him. I said "ohh you both like each other? She smiled at you."

this sounds SO jr. high........i dare to say that HE is not the problem here. there's a very simple solution here.....let him go, be done, walk away. it has been suggested here many time and also by your own therapist. or you can keep playing immature games with he said, then i said, then he like rolled eyes, then i did this, then a girl walked by and smiled.....

OpheliaKatz

I think you need to let him go. He is trying to recover. It will take years for him to fully recover. By then you would have and should have moved on. I'm afraid the timing is not right in this relationship. Sometimes we meet people, love them, then leave them because the timing is not right... one or both parties is not ready for a relationship even if there is love or was love.

His number one priority in the early stages of rehab is looking after himself/his health. His brain chemicals are probably all over the place. He does not and can not have the energy to give you the attention you need from a relationship.

Let him go with love. Look after yourself and attend some groups to work on your own recovery from codependency. Remember that it's not you, it's him, he has work to do... and you are not part of it.

BrunetteBabe05

What? Maybe I didn't make myself clear but we were talking to his friend and the girl smiled at his friend. Not my bf. So I said in a joking manner to the friend "ohh you both like each other? She smiled at you." Then that's when his friend said "naw she's cool, she has a bf." Then that's when he went on to say everyone screws everyone in the rehab. It wasn't towards my bf.

BrunetteBabe05

I'm very overwhelmed. I feel like I can't reply to all, but just know I appreciate it and thank you very much for your insight and input. It is hard for me to let go, as much as I need to. I'm just insecure about the sex in rehabs, and everything else. My therapist suggests the same as everyone else to focus on myself. I'm trying. My therapist also said it's really hard to judge right now if he's truly incapable of being a loving person or not. She was saying how the chemicals in his brain are all over the place and he's probably in post acute withdrawal which can last up to 6 months. He's a mess right now and she said it's really hard to see if this is truly him or his addiction. Especially him being dual diagnosis with Bipolar Disorder makes everything even worse she said.

So, I think I'm just gonna keep a distance and cut it to maybe 2 times a week of talking instead of everyday, and try to focus on myself. He is weird in the sense of he treats me like a queen, then he'll do the opposite. He was making me really happy, and no please don't say "you're taking crumbs" it wasn't crumbs. Like he was naturally being thoughtful and caring of me. He was really showing me how much he cared and loved me, but then everything changed when I brought up the STD crap and he's been bitter, mean, and distant since. My therapist suspects it's because he feels guilt, and knows he did wrong so he's mad at himself, but taking it out on me.

He did apologize, and he seemed very remorseful, but he also keeps saying "let's put this behind us, I don't want to talk about it anymore." He seems angry, so I quit talking about it. She said it might be a guilt reaction of anger. So, I know what I have to do, but it's just hard. Thanks everyone.

Ariesagain

There’s a truth buried in his sarcasm...

“He was like pounding his fists on the table, and was like "I don't have a ******* type Olivia. I said that to you because I was mean, abusive drunk who wanted to hurt you."

First, he doesn’t have a type...other than “willing and has a pulse.”

Second...you keep wanting these endless discussions and apologies to fix everything, which is totally understandable, but sadly, it doesn’t work that way.

I hope you’ll be able to break away from this toxic relationship. You ARE a good girl and you don’t deserve any of this.

dandylion

BunetteBabe....Please go to the post that I made to you on December 30th.....about what to keep in mind to protect yourself and your future happiness....
I know that I sound "preachy"....Actually, I am....And, it is because I was your age and I remember it well...and it is exactly what my grandmother would have said to me...and, what I would tell my own daughter......

ScaryTime

As everyone has said on here, confronting him at this point is only going to further frustrate you.
My AH has been an alcoholic since he was a teenager. He is in recovery and has not grown up yet, so I am struggling with the decision to either wait for him to grow up or move on with my life. And this is after 18 years of marriage.
You need to take things one day at a time but you also need to look at what a future might look like if you continue to hold onto this relationship.
I have to agree with everyone’s responses here; cut your losses and run the other way as far and as fast as you can.
There is nothing for you to grab onto here, so let go...
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Hindsight being 20/20, I wish I had made different decisions instead of ignoring the warning signs. You are finding all of this out before you are in so deep that getting out is not only heart breaking; but also can devastate financially, emotionally and impact possible future children. YOU deserve so much better than this. Pull yourself out of it before you find yourself in so deep that getting out seems almost impossible.
Also some research on your part into recovery and the process might help as well - help you. There is no telling that even IF he embraces recovery that he still might be a jerk and/or decide to not further the relationship; which could potentially send you spiraling again. Take control now of your life as it sounds to me like you are giving him WAY too much control of you - and he cannot control his own life, how do you think he is going to do if you keep giving him control of yours?
I am wishing you the best of luck and have you in my prayers - hoping you find peace.

Bekindalways

Hi BB, I second what everyone is saying here and also what you mentioned that is is "hard to let go." Holy buckets is that true!!! All of us are here because of how hard it was/is to let go. We all loved our qualifiers too.

Also, no need to respond to all of us. Keep reading, learning and focusing on your own problems and self-care.

BrunetteBabe05

Well just to give everyone an update. I broke up with him because he seems to be robotic and not caring about my feelings at all. He is being very callous. Last night he was saying he didn't want to be in there anymore. I talked him down and said "Jake if you leave, you know what that would entail. I wouldn't talk to you or be in your life." He said "Yep, I know." In a very unconcerned tone, like he doesn't care to lose me. So, I said "you said that almost like you don't care to lose me?" He said "it would be my problem." I got off the phone and cried for 2 and a half hours. Because he hurt me and doesn't realize how he's playing head games with me.

He was saying in the letters that he wanted to marry me, he loved me so much, and he was drinking himself to death because he couldn't have me, and no woman measured up, yada yada. Well, I asked him why he always puts himself in a position to lose me if he supposedly "loved" me and I was his "soulmate"? He was just calm and robotic. Very unemotional and callous to my crying and pain. He doesn't understand how he plays head games and I am getting upset at his false promises and his behavior towards me. He just didn't care, so I broke it off.

I'm so hurt that I can't even think right. Why would he send me letters saying all these beautiful things, and owning up to this behavior, then flip a switch and treat me like **** again. I hate him and I hate myself for letting him con me into actually thinking he really owned up, and wants to make this relationship work when he's just a callous, selfish, loser who doesn't care the pain and hurt he puts me through.