Bigger problems! My boyfriend admitted he slept with women while we were broken up
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by BrunetteBabe05 
He was saying in the letters that he wanted to marry me, he loved me so much, and he was drinking himself to death because he couldn't have me, and no woman measured up, yada yada. Well, I asked him why he always puts himself in a position to lose me if he supposedly "loved" me and I was his "soulmate"? He was just calm and robotic. Very unemotional and callous to my crying and pain. He doesn't understand how he plays head games and I am getting upset at his false promises and his behavior towards me. He just didn't care, so I broke it off.
I'm so hurt that I can't even think right. Why would he send me letters saying all these beautiful things, and owning up to this behavior, then flip a switch and treat me like **** again. I hate him and I hate myself for letting him con me into actually thinking he really owned up, and wants to make this relationship work when he's just a callous, selfish, loser who doesn't care the pain and hurt he puts me through.
I'm so hurt that I can't even think right. Why would he send me letters saying all these beautiful things, and owning up to this behavior, then flip a switch and treat me like **** again. I hate him and I hate myself for letting him con me into actually thinking he really owned up, and wants to make this relationship work when he's just a callous, selfish, loser who doesn't care the pain and hurt he puts me through.
Don't hate yourself. You did the right thing. You made the right choice. Addiction is extremely selfish.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Words are easy...especially when they work. They keep you sucked into his chaos.
Actions are where the truth is. None of his actions indicate he can or will be the partner you want.
Blocking him and getting on with your life is the best path.
Actions are where the truth is. None of his actions indicate he can or will be the partner you want.
Blocking him and getting on with your life is the best path.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
I agree 100 percent with OpheliaKatz. He was saying all of those things to spin things around and point the finger at you; not taking responsibility for his addiction.
You definitely did the right thing by breaking things off.
I am so sorry, I know your heart hurts so bad right now.
Practice self care now and again, take it one day at a time and it will get easier; I promise. Hugs!
You definitely did the right thing by breaking things off.
I am so sorry, I know your heart hurts so bad right now.
Practice self care now and again, take it one day at a time and it will get easier; I promise. Hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 58
Thank you everyone. I appreciate the support. I was away from him for 3 months. He begged and begged the whole time that I would be with him, meanwhile he was screwing other women. He kept saying they didn't compare and he kept saying over and over "when you leave me I feel like a part of my soul is gone. I have this attachment to you. I feel like I can never let go, and nobody can ever take your place. You're literally the only girl I'm in love with." But what made me come back in his life is the letters. He NEVER owned up for anything he did, he always blamed other people, including me for his actions.
He said he was sorry for cheating, and hurting me, and being a horrible bf to me. He really really owned up and didn't blame me once, so I was VERY shocked to read that. I never thought I'd see the day of him actually taking ownership. So, I really thought by me going no contact and being away from him, really made him change and hit rock bottom.
It ******* hurts me so bad I was just conned once again. He's back to his old ways. Like why even do all of that if you're just gonna be the same person? I remember when we met up he started crying and hugged me and said he's sorry for treating a beautiful girl like me so terribly. He said he was gonna marry me and everything else you could possibly think of that sickeningly sweet to say. I'm so upset. I really thought he changed and he didn't. Even if he was ok with me, I don't like how he wants to go to a three quarter house and not the halfway house. The treatment center said he should go to the halfway house because it's continued care, and the three quarter house is when you are done with the halfway house, so it's a third step, and you don't get medical attention, and all of coping skills like he would get at the halfway house.
It's called Lighthouse, and he said there's no beds available. I told him to wait because he's only been in the rehab for two weeks. He said "well if there's no beds at the lighthouse then they will stick me in a crappy halfway house until they have a bed, and I'm not doing that." I said "if you cared about your recovery, you would do it." He was like "they take your phone too and won't give it back for a long time. It's too controlling. I would rather be in a three quarter house. More freedom." I said "that's the third step jake. Who cares about your phone? As long as you have people to talk to through A phone then that's all that should matter and it's not control, it's structure. You really need that in your life."
So even if everything was fine I still wouldn't be with him because he's not going through ALL the steps of the program. They don't think anyone should go to a three quarter house right off the bat. So, he pisses me off. All because of his phone usage? And not having his phone? How dumb and immature? I guess he wants it so he can hit up his whores he's been screwing, and I guess cheat on me. Because he's so adamant on his phone, it's ridiculous. I'm just so hurt. I hope he leaves me alone for good instead of playing head games with me and convincing me he's a different person, when he's not.
He said he was sorry for cheating, and hurting me, and being a horrible bf to me. He really really owned up and didn't blame me once, so I was VERY shocked to read that. I never thought I'd see the day of him actually taking ownership. So, I really thought by me going no contact and being away from him, really made him change and hit rock bottom.
It ******* hurts me so bad I was just conned once again. He's back to his old ways. Like why even do all of that if you're just gonna be the same person? I remember when we met up he started crying and hugged me and said he's sorry for treating a beautiful girl like me so terribly. He said he was gonna marry me and everything else you could possibly think of that sickeningly sweet to say. I'm so upset. I really thought he changed and he didn't. Even if he was ok with me, I don't like how he wants to go to a three quarter house and not the halfway house. The treatment center said he should go to the halfway house because it's continued care, and the three quarter house is when you are done with the halfway house, so it's a third step, and you don't get medical attention, and all of coping skills like he would get at the halfway house.
It's called Lighthouse, and he said there's no beds available. I told him to wait because he's only been in the rehab for two weeks. He said "well if there's no beds at the lighthouse then they will stick me in a crappy halfway house until they have a bed, and I'm not doing that." I said "if you cared about your recovery, you would do it." He was like "they take your phone too and won't give it back for a long time. It's too controlling. I would rather be in a three quarter house. More freedom." I said "that's the third step jake. Who cares about your phone? As long as you have people to talk to through A phone then that's all that should matter and it's not control, it's structure. You really need that in your life."
So even if everything was fine I still wouldn't be with him because he's not going through ALL the steps of the program. They don't think anyone should go to a three quarter house right off the bat. So, he pisses me off. All because of his phone usage? And not having his phone? How dumb and immature? I guess he wants it so he can hit up his whores he's been screwing, and I guess cheat on me. Because he's so adamant on his phone, it's ridiculous. I'm just so hurt. I hope he leaves me alone for good instead of playing head games with me and convincing me he's a different person, when he's not.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
this was posted the other day. PLEASE reread it over and over.
you have a choice TODAY.
you have a choice TODAY.
Originally Posted by honeypig
BB--nothing changes if nothing changes. Your posts are all the same, all about HIM. What are you doing for YOU? How are you changing YOUR life? Although you say you understand that reasoning with addiction is a fool's errand, you continue to do exactly that, over and over, with the very predictable same result. You continue to fixate on the small details when those are only the symptom, NOT the problem...
It's not that I don't get it. I do. It's not that I think it doesn't hurt. I know very well, from up close and personal experience, that it does.
But it boils down to this: Let go or be dragged, my friend.
1) Unclench your hands and let go of what's not for you, and experience freedom and peace, or
2) Continue to hang on tight and suffer.
The choice is all yours. Just let me assure you that there really and truly IS a much better life awaiting you. If you want more proof, read around the forum. It's the truth, and all that you need to do to start making it happen is to take one step at a time in that direction.
It's not that I don't get it. I do. It's not that I think it doesn't hurt. I know very well, from up close and personal experience, that it does.
But it boils down to this: Let go or be dragged, my friend.
1) Unclench your hands and let go of what's not for you, and experience freedom and peace, or
2) Continue to hang on tight and suffer.
The choice is all yours. Just let me assure you that there really and truly IS a much better life awaiting you. If you want more proof, read around the forum. It's the truth, and all that you need to do to start making it happen is to take one step at a time in that direction.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Honey it's all just a power play. Pull you in with sweet words and promises, then let you down again. Do it over and over again.
He gets a kick out of this but you don't have to accept it. Really, walk away with your head high.
He gets a kick out of this but you don't have to accept it. Really, walk away with your head high.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
He said he was sorry for cheating, and hurting me, and being a horrible bf to me. He really really owned up and didn't blame me once, so I was VERY shocked to read that. I never thought I'd see the day of him actually taking ownership. So, I really thought by me going no contact and being away from him, really made him change and hit rock bottom.
It ******* hurts me so bad I was just conned once again. He's back to his old ways. Like why even do all of that if you're just gonna be the same person? I remember when we met up he started crying and hugged me and said he's sorry for treating a beautiful girl like me so terribly. He said he was gonna marry me and everything else you could possibly think of that sickeningly sweet to say. I'm so upset. I really thought he changed and he didn't. Even if he was ok with me, I don't like how he wants to go to a three quarter house and not the halfway house. The treatment center said he should go to the halfway house because it's continued care, and the three quarter house is when you are done with the halfway house, so it's a third step, and you don't get medical attention, and all of coping skills like he would get at the halfway house.
It's called Lighthouse, and he said there's no beds available. I told him to wait because he's only been in the rehab for two weeks. He said "well if there's no beds at the lighthouse then they will stick me in a crappy halfway house until they have a bed, and I'm not doing that." I said "if you cared about your recovery, you would do it." He was like "they take your phone too and won't give it back for a long time. It's too controlling. I would rather be in a three quarter house. More freedom." I said "that's the third step jake. Who cares about your phone? As long as you have people to talk to through A phone then that's all that should matter and it's not control, it's structure. You really need that in your life."
So even if everything was fine I still wouldn't be with him because he's not going through ALL the steps of the program. They don't think anyone should go to a three quarter house right off the bat. So, he pisses me off. All because of his phone usage? And not having his phone? How dumb and immature? I guess he wants it so he can hit up his whores he's been screwing, and I guess cheat on me. Because he's so adamant on his phone, it's ridiculous. I'm just so hurt. I hope he leaves me alone for good instead of playing head games with me and convincing me he's a different person, when he's not.
How long do you want all the drama you wrote above to continue? It won't stop until you stop it. I was like you...addicted to the drama...he said, he did, he promised, he lied, he cheated, he did this, he did that...on and on I ranted It was all about HIM. I was married to him 20 years. Then one day I woke up. I turned the focus onto me and I realised I deserved better and what he did or said no longer mattered cos I was not involved with him anymore. Stop trying to work him out. You never will. He is what he is... you can be whoever you choose.
It ******* hurts me so bad I was just conned once again. He's back to his old ways. Like why even do all of that if you're just gonna be the same person? I remember when we met up he started crying and hugged me and said he's sorry for treating a beautiful girl like me so terribly. He said he was gonna marry me and everything else you could possibly think of that sickeningly sweet to say. I'm so upset. I really thought he changed and he didn't. Even if he was ok with me, I don't like how he wants to go to a three quarter house and not the halfway house. The treatment center said he should go to the halfway house because it's continued care, and the three quarter house is when you are done with the halfway house, so it's a third step, and you don't get medical attention, and all of coping skills like he would get at the halfway house.
It's called Lighthouse, and he said there's no beds available. I told him to wait because he's only been in the rehab for two weeks. He said "well if there's no beds at the lighthouse then they will stick me in a crappy halfway house until they have a bed, and I'm not doing that." I said "if you cared about your recovery, you would do it." He was like "they take your phone too and won't give it back for a long time. It's too controlling. I would rather be in a three quarter house. More freedom." I said "that's the third step jake. Who cares about your phone? As long as you have people to talk to through A phone then that's all that should matter and it's not control, it's structure. You really need that in your life."
So even if everything was fine I still wouldn't be with him because he's not going through ALL the steps of the program. They don't think anyone should go to a three quarter house right off the bat. So, he pisses me off. All because of his phone usage? And not having his phone? How dumb and immature? I guess he wants it so he can hit up his whores he's been screwing, and I guess cheat on me. Because he's so adamant on his phone, it's ridiculous. I'm just so hurt. I hope he leaves me alone for good instead of playing head games with me and convincing me he's a different person, when he's not.
How long do you want all the drama you wrote above to continue? It won't stop until you stop it. I was like you...addicted to the drama...he said, he did, he promised, he lied, he cheated, he did this, he did that...on and on I ranted It was all about HIM. I was married to him 20 years. Then one day I woke up. I turned the focus onto me and I realised I deserved better and what he did or said no longer mattered cos I was not involved with him anymore. Stop trying to work him out. You never will. He is what he is... you can be whoever you choose.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I hope he leaves me alone for good instead of playing head games with me and convincing me he's a different person, when he's not.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Originally Posted by honeypig
BB--nothing changes if nothing changes. Your posts are all the same, all about HIM. What are you doing for YOU? How are you changing YOUR life? Although you say you understand that reasoning with addiction is a fool's errand, you continue to do exactly that, over and over, with the very predictable same result. You continue to fixate on the small details when those are only the symptom, NOT the problem...
It's not that I don't get it. I do. It's not that I think it doesn't hurt. I know very well, from up close and personal experience, that it does.
But it boils down to this: Let go or be dragged, my friend.
1) Unclench your hands and let go of what's not for you, and experience freedom and peace, or
2) Continue to hang on tight and suffer.
The choice is all yours. Just let me assure you that there really and truly IS a much better life awaiting you. If you want more proof, read around the forum. It's the truth, and all that you need to do to start making it happen is to take one step at a time in that direction.
It's not that I don't get it. I do. It's not that I think it doesn't hurt. I know very well, from up close and personal experience, that it does.
But it boils down to this: Let go or be dragged, my friend.
1) Unclench your hands and let go of what's not for you, and experience freedom and peace, or
2) Continue to hang on tight and suffer.
The choice is all yours. Just let me assure you that there really and truly IS a much better life awaiting you. If you want more proof, read around the forum. It's the truth, and all that you need to do to start making it happen is to take one step at a time in that direction.
You and all of us here are addicted to our addicts. Babescake, you are so in the right place. Now just try to turn the focus off of him and on to you: what do you want? What kind of a relationship would you like to have? What are your own short-comings? How do you start addressing these issues?
Talk to us lady! Just about you not him.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
Originally Posted by BrunetteBabe05
I'm just so hurt. I hope he leaves me alone for good instead of playing head games with me and convincing me he's a different person, when he's not.
There can be no tug-of-war if one of you won't play.
Honeypig is right, all your posts are the same. Absolutely nothing has changed since the very first one. Was it back in September?
He slept with other women: the two of you had broken up. To me, that means each person can do whatever he/she wishes. It's not cheating. Then he begs you to come back. I bet it's because the other women he pursued wouldn't put up with his drinking! (or manipulating, or cheapness, or leaving socks on the floor. Fill in the blank)
One doesn't have to *hope* a manipulator leaves her alone. One can walk away, instead.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
BB, do whatever you need to stick to this breakup. You have chosen an addict which would indicate you have codependent tendencies so go to an Alanon meeting. These meetings don't work for everyone but for some are a life saver.
I remember my qualifier's passionate declarations of love and commitment and how confusing it was when he would turn around and take actions that made a relationship with me impossible. Painful and confusing. I was 25 when I managed to get away from him.
Big hug to you. What you are going through is beyond painful.
I remember my qualifier's passionate declarations of love and commitment and how confusing it was when he would turn around and take actions that made a relationship with me impossible. Painful and confusing. I was 25 when I managed to get away from him.
Big hug to you. What you are going through is beyond painful.
Bulldogs46
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Georgia
Posts: 21
When I read your story, I literally had to shake my head in disbelief. It sounded as if we were dating the same person. I have been down the same path that you have been down...broken promises, lies, cheating, etc. and he still continues to do the same to me now. He has told me that he has always loved me and has never stopped, I was the only one he wanted to be with and marry and has apologized for all his wrong doings only to do it again. I have refused to see him for quite a while. Just in the last couple of days he wanted to take me to the mountains so that we could work on things, but just last night he ran off with some woman to have sex. I made the comment..."you will sleep with anyone or anything" and his response was "I will as long as they are showing me attention". I can't even begin to tell you the type of women he has been sleeping with...it disgust me to the core. He literally has no respect for himself or anyone else for that matter. Do I think he loves me, no I don't. I think he is in love with the idea of having someone like me because I don't drink, do drugs, I have a great paying job and I own my own home. I'm just a way out for him, but I will not give him that benefit and I will not allow him to take advantage of me. I finally had enough last night and so I blocked him and his friends from my phone and all social media. I refuse to be treated this way any longer and he will just have to live with his decision and choices that he has made. If he really does love me, then he will be the one who has to live with the regret of never knowing what it truly could have been if he had gotten his life together. You deserve so much more, so cut all ties and move on with your life. I know it's hard when you love someone, but you have to start loving yourself and stop being drawn in to all the lies and betrayal of addiction.
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