What are you unwilling to feel?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
What are you unwilling to feel?
Mine: Happiness.
Not sure why.... I'm not very afraid of being hurt anymore... I have resiliency and skills to deal with this.
Maybe I'm simply used to using happiness as a smokescreen for covering up pain, and now the pain is exposed and being dealt with... I don't have a healthy viewpoint of happiness. I'm comfortable with chaos. I still am having a problem being at ease in quiet, nice environments when I don't have full control or an escape plan. Happiness is safe only when I have an ultra-safe, controlled environment.
I heard this question in a guided meditation. Ask your body, what are YOU unwilling to feel, in this moment?
Not sure why.... I'm not very afraid of being hurt anymore... I have resiliency and skills to deal with this.
Maybe I'm simply used to using happiness as a smokescreen for covering up pain, and now the pain is exposed and being dealt with... I don't have a healthy viewpoint of happiness. I'm comfortable with chaos. I still am having a problem being at ease in quiet, nice environments when I don't have full control or an escape plan. Happiness is safe only when I have an ultra-safe, controlled environment.
I heard this question in a guided meditation. Ask your body, what are YOU unwilling to feel, in this moment?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Not sure if it's unwilling but I don't feel happiness anymore. I don't feel love either. I wish I did but I've no idea how it switch it back on. Despite all the inroads I've made into carving out a good life post exah I know deep down am never going to be free cos the fall out is like ripples on a pond that go on forever. It follows me no matter what I try to do. The 22 years I wasted on exah I can never, ever get back. I stayed too long until I was too old. That's my reality. Life now is just as hard in other ways. I am facing old age with no pension, no paid off house and no security and being the sole carer of a severely autistic adult son Despite this I am glad I am not with him anymore. Happiness tho? No. That seems illusive. I realised in my ruiminations this morning I actually liked being married despite it all but the chances of that again are nil now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
For me, it's not happiness exactly. I find myself feeling happy, but I am having trouble feeling that kind of full, unbridled, uninhibited bottomless JOY that I know I am capable of feeling. And I think I am not feeling it because I am working hard at recognizing my own feelings and most of them haven't been very nice for the last while.
That said, I had a few minutes of something weirdly close to that feeling last night, so maybe I'm getting back there.
That said, I had a few minutes of something weirdly close to that feeling last night, so maybe I'm getting back there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 40
Love.
I was with XAH since we were teenagers. Our divorce was final this summer and I’m in my mid 50’s.
I feel so betrayed by him. The decades of dealing with addiction from not only XAH but my father has turned me into someone who isn’t capable of love.
I see couples in love and wish I had that but I just don’t see how it can happen.
I was very ill this month and in the hospital for a few days and had to deal with it by myself. I had no one to lean on for support. I feel my best years have passed me by and all the good men are already taken (lol).
I was with XAH since we were teenagers. Our divorce was final this summer and I’m in my mid 50’s.
I feel so betrayed by him. The decades of dealing with addiction from not only XAH but my father has turned me into someone who isn’t capable of love.
I see couples in love and wish I had that but I just don’t see how it can happen.
I was very ill this month and in the hospital for a few days and had to deal with it by myself. I had no one to lean on for support. I feel my best years have passed me by and all the good men are already taken (lol).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Love. I am with Tryingin2016 on this one. I love AH incredibly and I have a hard time seeing myself sharing my life with anyone else. I don't know if I could love again, or even get close to another man. But deep down inside, I want to experience passion again. I want to be loved and desired and admired.
Maybe one day.
Maybe one day.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
I think feeling love again is definitely possible - but it's really hard because you have to allow yourself to feel vulnerable first in order to then experience that kind of love. And allowing yourself to feel vulnerable is terrifying after what we've been through.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Currently: being enough
When I do something well, I quickly go from enjoying it to feeling like I need to be better, better, better... and the enjoyment is replaced by self judgement and old unhealthy habits.
Awareness. Stopping... turning towards some new skill of self-care and self-love. I know I'm now able to feel that I'm enouhh. It's surprising to me to see how often I'm UNWILLING to feel I'm enough. It's a choice.
When I do something well, I quickly go from enjoying it to feeling like I need to be better, better, better... and the enjoyment is replaced by self judgement and old unhealthy habits.
Awareness. Stopping... turning towards some new skill of self-care and self-love. I know I'm now able to feel that I'm enouhh. It's surprising to me to see how often I'm UNWILLING to feel I'm enough. It's a choice.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by keepingthefaith 
Currently: being enough
When I do something well, I quickly go from enjoying it to feeling like I need to be better, better, better... and the enjoyment is replaced by self judgement and old unhealthy habits.
Awareness. Stopping... turning towards some new skill of self-care and self-love. I know I'm now able to feel that I'm enouhh. It's surprising to me to see how often I'm UNWILLING to feel I'm enough. It's a choice.
When I do something well, I quickly go from enjoying it to feeling like I need to be better, better, better... and the enjoyment is replaced by self judgement and old unhealthy habits.
Awareness. Stopping... turning towards some new skill of self-care and self-love. I know I'm now able to feel that I'm enouhh. It's surprising to me to see how often I'm UNWILLING to feel I'm enough. It's a choice.
I couldn't pinpoint it when originally answering this thread, but this sounds exactly like me. I have to always be improving and am never enough. It makes me really driven in certain aspects, but it is emotionally crippling and sucks the fun out of absolutely everything I love. Because I am never good enough, in my mind that means I am not good at all. No matter how much opposite feedback I get.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,718
Security and safety.
I have always had terrible anxiety over loss or having something taken away from me. I know it came from my childhood. My mom would decide what she thought I didn't need and throw it out. Nothing was sacred to her. Nothing held any sentimental value. I still have a hole in my heart from not having things that I once held dear to me.
I have always had terrible anxiety over loss or having something taken away from me. I know it came from my childhood. My mom would decide what she thought I didn't need and throw it out. Nothing was sacred to her. Nothing held any sentimental value. I still have a hole in my heart from not having things that I once held dear to me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Trust/Faith
I'm always onguard. I'm always evaluating the environment. The radar is on. I'm always searching for tension and the cure. I spend more time not trusting the here and now than enjoying and finding happiness in the moment. It creates a pessimistic environment instead of an optimistic life.
I'm always onguard. I'm always evaluating the environment. The radar is on. I'm always searching for tension and the cure. I spend more time not trusting the here and now than enjoying and finding happiness in the moment. It creates a pessimistic environment instead of an optimistic life.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I was w/my XAH for a very long time. I came to the realization that I did not even love him, I don't know what that sort of love is like. Our relationship was a farce. Sadly, I don't know that I ever will love someone in that way, or be loved in that way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Relaxation....
I feel I am constantly on-guard with AW around - I'm trying to make sure everything is smooth, life is not too disrupted for DS. If we go out or have people over, I'm always on edge as to when she will drink too much, snap at me, or just act stupid.
I don't feel like I have been able to totally let my guard down in YEARS. I'm not sure I would recognize peace if it smacked me in the face with a lightsaber.
I feel I am constantly on-guard with AW around - I'm trying to make sure everything is smooth, life is not too disrupted for DS. If we go out or have people over, I'm always on edge as to when she will drink too much, snap at me, or just act stupid.
I don't feel like I have been able to totally let my guard down in YEARS. I'm not sure I would recognize peace if it smacked me in the face with a lightsaber.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Romantic love. Right now, I don't know if I'm capable of letting someone love me, fall in love with me, be in love with me, dare I say adore me? Before I was married, I ran away from men who appeared to be "in love" with me or who declared their love for me. I thought they must be nuts.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
We will have peace on the Codie bus COD!!!! 
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
Relaxation....
I feel I am constantly on-guard with AW around - I'm trying to make sure everything is smooth, life is not too disrupted for DS. If we go out or have people over, I'm always on edge as to when she will drink too much, snap at me, or just act stupid.
I don't feel like I have been able to totally let my guard down in YEARS. I'm not sure I would recognize peace if it smacked me in the face with a lightsaber.
I feel I am constantly on-guard with AW around - I'm trying to make sure everything is smooth, life is not too disrupted for DS. If we go out or have people over, I'm always on edge as to when she will drink too much, snap at me, or just act stupid.
I don't feel like I have been able to totally let my guard down in YEARS. I'm not sure I would recognize peace if it smacked me in the face with a lightsaber.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by hopeful4
I was w/my XAH for a very long time. I came to the realization that I did not even love him, I don't know what that sort of love is like. Our relationship was a farce. Sadly, I don't know that I ever will love someone in that way, or be loved in that way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Weak/Incapable/Needy/Helpless
I struggle with this a lot. I believe this is what got me into the mess that I am in. I wasn't willing to admit to myself that the situation was hurting me and I NEEDED more. I felt this overwhelming pull to take everything on, including all of his bull$hit with nowhere to turn for help.
I am slowly learning that it is OK to ask for help. I am also learning the valuable lesson of WHO to ask for help (my family is not high on that list, in fact they are currently at the bottom). I am beginning to learn that there are people out there who want to and are willing to help me, a very foreign concept.
I've lived most of my life with a "I can do it!" attitude which had served me well in many ways but I'm learning /exploring the fine line between needing to do it myself and allowing myself the freedom to admit that I need help.
Again, I do think that my "take it all on" attitude is what got me into this relationship because I basically took over all responsibilities for my STBXAH. As I move forward, I will be more mindful about my future relationships having equal parts of give and take.
Because when I'm actually being truthful, I want so badly for someone to help me and take care of me too.
I struggle with this a lot. I believe this is what got me into the mess that I am in. I wasn't willing to admit to myself that the situation was hurting me and I NEEDED more. I felt this overwhelming pull to take everything on, including all of his bull$hit with nowhere to turn for help.
I am slowly learning that it is OK to ask for help. I am also learning the valuable lesson of WHO to ask for help (my family is not high on that list, in fact they are currently at the bottom). I am beginning to learn that there are people out there who want to and are willing to help me, a very foreign concept.
I've lived most of my life with a "I can do it!" attitude which had served me well in many ways but I'm learning /exploring the fine line between needing to do it myself and allowing myself the freedom to admit that I need help.
Again, I do think that my "take it all on" attitude is what got me into this relationship because I basically took over all responsibilities for my STBXAH. As I move forward, I will be more mindful about my future relationships having equal parts of give and take.
Because when I'm actually being truthful, I want so badly for someone to help me and take care of me too.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
