Retaining Atty. on Wednesday
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Today I feel drained, and kind of numb. I gave DS a bunch extra hugs and kisses last night. I also told him that it's almost the new year, and each year brings changes and new adventures in our lives. I also made sure he knows mom & dad love him, and that any and all decisions that "I" make are for his best interest and benefit, though it may not seem like it at the time. That he needs to trust me, and to talk to me at any time, with any questions. I also promised him I will do my absolute best to be the best darn dad in the land!!
You're so sweet with your son - way to go on opening up communication through this! I hope you all have a great Christmas!
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Originally Posted by DontRemember 
Will you be my dad? I love the way you're handling things with your son and I know how messed up your head is through this process. Kudos to you,sir! 
COD
P.S. - My brain is still absolute mush the last couple of days, and the high level of anxiety is ridiculous. I was reading thru all the affidavits she sent and reading all sorts of material - it's overwhelming.
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And then we go and have a very nice, peaceful Christmas. Kid was thrilled, he was so appreciative of everything he got - he was a perfect angel. Makes this whole process even more difficult, we actually had a great couple of days.
Then she drank a bunch and passed out on the toilet again last night, but the joy in my child's eyes this weekend was wonderful.
Then she drank a bunch and passed out on the toilet again last night, but the joy in my child's eyes this weekend was wonderful.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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I'm glad you had a Christmas for him to treasure, and you too.
She isn't getting better though COD--this will just get worse.
You are doing the right thing.
Who knows, it may actually wake her up to the damage she's doing
to herself and the family.
I wouldn't count on it, but continuing as her personal punching bag
is never going to improve anything.
We are with you friend.
She isn't getting better though COD--this will just get worse.
You are doing the right thing.
Who knows, it may actually wake her up to the damage she's doing
to herself and the family.
I wouldn't count on it, but continuing as her personal punching bag
is never going to improve anything.
We are with you friend.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Nevada
Posts: 57
COD ~ Just remember to remind yourself that you are doing the best you can at this moment in time. I know that it is a tough time of year to go through all this crap. Stay strong....the light at the end of this tunnel isn't the alcoholic train, it is strength, peace, and serenity.
Best wishes.
Best wishes.
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Heck, I don't know - you guys are doing so much for me as it is. I'm not a wuss or anything, I just hate the thought of hurting my son and breaking apart the family. And the thought of selling the house that we built two years ago, and the battles and the hateful words she will spew from her mouth, and the tension and stress.
I told the attorney that DS always says, "I love it when we are all together". (Meaning DS, me, and AW). Attorney said, "It sounds like he doesn't believe you guys are really 'together' even when you are in the same house. Thoughts?
I told the attorney that DS always says, "I love it when we are all together". (Meaning DS, me, and AW). Attorney said, "It sounds like he doesn't believe you guys are really 'together' even when you are in the same house. Thoughts?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Well, COD, I can only come at this from my experience.
As a child, growing up with an alcoholic mother and a codependent father, the idea of change would have been very scary for me. I would have experienced hurting feelings if it had ever happened. I'm not going to argue that.
It simply doesn't mean that it wouldn't have been the best thing for me.
Instead, we stayed and had a horribly unhealthy relationship model demonstrated and ingrained in me, which I then took into every adult relationship I had. Ultimately, that hurt me much worse, for much longer, and was much, much more difficult to move past than a change in our family would have done or been.
I might also gently suggest that *you* are not the one hurting your son. You both live with someone who chooses not to deal with life on life's terms but to drown and numb her feelings to the point of inappropriate behavior, repeatedly and despite negative consequences. That hurts all of you.
The very best thing you can do--for literally everyone involved--is start living and modeling the healthiest life you can for yourself. To stop micromanaging the little moments of pain and dysfunction and start addressing the bigger issue of your own well-being. You may disagree, but I don't believe that is possible for you to do in your current circumstances. Not in a meaningful, long-term way.
The fact that one of the things you are concerned about as you move forward is the unhealthy and abusive way she will respond to this situation is proof enough that you need to move on from this.
It will be hard. It will be worth it. We are here for you.
As a child, growing up with an alcoholic mother and a codependent father, the idea of change would have been very scary for me. I would have experienced hurting feelings if it had ever happened. I'm not going to argue that.
It simply doesn't mean that it wouldn't have been the best thing for me.
Instead, we stayed and had a horribly unhealthy relationship model demonstrated and ingrained in me, which I then took into every adult relationship I had. Ultimately, that hurt me much worse, for much longer, and was much, much more difficult to move past than a change in our family would have done or been.
I might also gently suggest that *you* are not the one hurting your son. You both live with someone who chooses not to deal with life on life's terms but to drown and numb her feelings to the point of inappropriate behavior, repeatedly and despite negative consequences. That hurts all of you.
The very best thing you can do--for literally everyone involved--is start living and modeling the healthiest life you can for yourself. To stop micromanaging the little moments of pain and dysfunction and start addressing the bigger issue of your own well-being. You may disagree, but I don't believe that is possible for you to do in your current circumstances. Not in a meaningful, long-term way.
The fact that one of the things you are concerned about as you move forward is the unhealthy and abusive way she will respond to this situation is proof enough that you need to move on from this.
It will be hard. It will be worth it. We are here for you.
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COD.....did you notice how, instantly, the attorney recognized what you have difficulty seeing (accepting).....that the family is already broken...!?
Alcoholism has already broken it apart.....
Your son already knows that you two are not "together". He is so much more aware than you think he is....
I think that the greatest damage to your child, right now, is witnessing a dysfu nctional relationship, as a part of his daily life.....it is his current "normal"....
He will carry that into his adult life....and, he will either marry an alcoholic, and become a co-dependent to one or he may become one, himself.....or, screw up every romantic relationship he attempts.
If you talk to the Adult Children of Alcoholics...they will tell you that this is true....
And, you will run the additional risk that you child may resent you for keeping them in the alcoholic home, when they reach teens or adulthood....This happens a lot.
I think that telling yourself over and over that you are tearing his family apart is making life miserable for you and not helping him one bit.....
The quality of family is not demonstrated just by the fact that people are in the same room....but, by the quality of the interactions between the members of the family.
I know of lots of families that are not physically all together..24/7....Think of families where one parent is deployed in the military.....and, of the family of long-distance bus drivers....and of pilots....
This step may be the first step toward becoming better co-parents for the boy.
At least it is giving it that chance. When her adult tantrums are over...if they do occur....this may be the first real wake-up call that she has that alcoholism is taking a toll on her (and you all)....
At this point, I believe that there is no chance for the Norman Rockwell family that you dream about. That sucks...but, it is reality. Not facing that reality is like trying to build a house on sand....no matter how attractive that house might look, from the outside, it is bound to collapse....
Alcoholism has already broken it apart.....
Your son already knows that you two are not "together". He is so much more aware than you think he is....
I think that the greatest damage to your child, right now, is witnessing a dysfu nctional relationship, as a part of his daily life.....it is his current "normal"....
He will carry that into his adult life....and, he will either marry an alcoholic, and become a co-dependent to one or he may become one, himself.....or, screw up every romantic relationship he attempts.
If you talk to the Adult Children of Alcoholics...they will tell you that this is true....
And, you will run the additional risk that you child may resent you for keeping them in the alcoholic home, when they reach teens or adulthood....This happens a lot.
I think that telling yourself over and over that you are tearing his family apart is making life miserable for you and not helping him one bit.....
The quality of family is not demonstrated just by the fact that people are in the same room....but, by the quality of the interactions between the members of the family.
I know of lots of families that are not physically all together..24/7....Think of families where one parent is deployed in the military.....and, of the family of long-distance bus drivers....and of pilots....
This step may be the first step toward becoming better co-parents for the boy.
At least it is giving it that chance. When her adult tantrums are over...if they do occur....this may be the first real wake-up call that she has that alcoholism is taking a toll on her (and you all)....
At this point, I believe that there is no chance for the Norman Rockwell family that you dream about. That sucks...but, it is reality. Not facing that reality is like trying to build a house on sand....no matter how attractive that house might look, from the outside, it is bound to collapse....
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Sparkle and Dandy - I know all of these things, I've even posted these things to others, yet my heart is beating 100 mph, and my body is all tensed up. Plus, the thought of possibly not seeing him for maybe days at a time is killing me.
And, I've never been concerned or focused on my own well-being, my energy is spent being a single parent (so-to-speak) spending time cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc., and trying to avoid the ever-changing moods of my AW, plus spending as much time as I can trying to be a decent parent to DS. Yes, in return for that I now have high BP and nagging headaches, and fatigue.
I'm logical, I'm a planner, I'm (mostly) reasonable in thought and action. This sh*t goes against everything that I am and have been for 50+ years! It's maddening to me.
Thanks for letting me vent.
COD
And, I've never been concerned or focused on my own well-being, my energy is spent being a single parent (so-to-speak) spending time cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc., and trying to avoid the ever-changing moods of my AW, plus spending as much time as I can trying to be a decent parent to DS. Yes, in return for that I now have high BP and nagging headaches, and fatigue.
I'm logical, I'm a planner, I'm (mostly) reasonable in thought and action. This sh*t goes against everything that I am and have been for 50+ years! It's maddening to me.
Thanks for letting me vent.
COD
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Location: W Washington
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he was a perfect angel
because at his young age he believes the IF he acts the right way, says the right thing, does the right thing, HE can make it all ok. he has already assumed that responsibility. and as with all children, he desperately wants both of his parents to be present physically and emotionally. and for there to be peace in the home.
yet in truth, his home is anything BUT peaceful.
and one parent is anything BUT present physically and emotionally.
being "perfect" takes a toll. internalizing all the stress takes a toll. knowing that there is something VERY wrong with mom takes a toll.
feeling the tension in the home takes a toll.
I just hate the thought of hurting my son and breaking apart the family. And the thought of selling the house that we built two years ago, and the battles and the hateful words she will spew from her mouth, and the tension and stress.
YOU are not the cause of the hurt and strife in the home, only an unwilling participant. YOU are not breaking apart the family, that happened YEARS ago and by the other party. there have been fights and battles and hateful words for a long time. none of your actions CREATED any of this. you are responding to the situation in order to give your son a home that is NOT filled with strife, and passed out drunkards, and angry words. you are giving your son a GIFT by getting him OUT of an alcoholic home.
because at his young age he believes the IF he acts the right way, says the right thing, does the right thing, HE can make it all ok. he has already assumed that responsibility. and as with all children, he desperately wants both of his parents to be present physically and emotionally. and for there to be peace in the home.
yet in truth, his home is anything BUT peaceful.
and one parent is anything BUT present physically and emotionally.
being "perfect" takes a toll. internalizing all the stress takes a toll. knowing that there is something VERY wrong with mom takes a toll.
feeling the tension in the home takes a toll.
I just hate the thought of hurting my son and breaking apart the family. And the thought of selling the house that we built two years ago, and the battles and the hateful words she will spew from her mouth, and the tension and stress.
YOU are not the cause of the hurt and strife in the home, only an unwilling participant. YOU are not breaking apart the family, that happened YEARS ago and by the other party. there have been fights and battles and hateful words for a long time. none of your actions CREATED any of this. you are responding to the situation in order to give your son a home that is NOT filled with strife, and passed out drunkards, and angry words. you are giving your son a GIFT by getting him OUT of an alcoholic home.
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COD - the only thing keeping me going these days is : what do I want to model for my children. I have spent years working on the relationship alone, they saw me try and then they saw me ultimately decide that I deserved better and they deserved to have a peaceful life away from the daily stress. It was incredibly scary and there will be mourning from everyone and thats incredibly hard. However I now know that should my kids find themselves in a toxic relationship they now know they have choices and they deserve better. You may not see the benefits of your strength for years but do not doubt that you are giving your kids a gift. Hugs your amazing!
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COD, If it's any consolation... not too long out from leaving xabf, my blood pressure dropped, my migraine frequency went from 4x a month to 3 or 4 a year, my insomnia is almost gone, and I don't have a twinge of anxiety. The worst part for me was realizing my responsibility, and then forgiving myself for it all being self inflicted for so long to some extent.
Some of the wise people in here have said that we can die long before the alcoholic. It's easy to see why!
Some of the wise people in here have said that we can die long before the alcoholic. It's easy to see why!
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If your wife had a contagious disease that would cause your son harm, you wouldn't think twice about isolating him from her.
The longer he is exposed to her behavior, the more he will think this is normal.
If and when you do separate, you are actually providing your son a shelter where he knows he will feel safe. He won't be exposed to his mom's drunken spells, as he is right now.
I came from an abusive household, and as I got older, I did everything in my power to avoid going home. There was no way I was going to expose myself to that crazy woman, and the other adults were pretty much useless in protecting me so I hated them too. I remember my aunt just watching my nanny beating me up and she did absolutely nothing to stop it. My own dad feels guilty to this day for not making more of a stand, but at the time he didn't want to rock the boat.
My sister chose to drink and drug herself instead.
Are you willing to sacrifice your own child to keep your household together?
The longer he is exposed to her behavior, the more he will think this is normal.
If and when you do separate, you are actually providing your son a shelter where he knows he will feel safe. He won't be exposed to his mom's drunken spells, as he is right now.
I came from an abusive household, and as I got older, I did everything in my power to avoid going home. There was no way I was going to expose myself to that crazy woman, and the other adults were pretty much useless in protecting me so I hated them too. I remember my aunt just watching my nanny beating me up and she did absolutely nothing to stop it. My own dad feels guilty to this day for not making more of a stand, but at the time he didn't want to rock the boat.
My sister chose to drink and drug herself instead.
Are you willing to sacrifice your own child to keep your household together?
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Hey,bud.. You're not breaking apart the family. You are trying to help the family here. Who knows..maybe this divorce will push her to get help...maybe it won't,but by staying you know what's going to be 'life'. You know you can't handle/live like that any longer. You know your DS should NOT have to live/grow up around that. The only solid future that can be made,for anyone, is by the decisions and actions of a sound,caring,clear mind. Your wife does not have this currently. She has only one main thing on her mind. I know..I've been faced with this on both fronts. She's currently sick in the head. You're not abandoning her. You're saving yourself and your son from more of the same. I know it's hard..I do. Instead of dwelling on the 'what if's?' look towards that solid future and start planning that out. Positive thoughts!
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COD.....anticipation is often worse than the actual event. (as you have already experienced)....remember your fear of going to see the lawyer...?
I think you are doing the same with your fears of single parenthood.
You may be becoming too dependent on your son. He is absolutely capable of being without you for a few days at a time....in the presence of another caretaker. As a matter of fact, children of his age need to be away from their parents for well circumscribed periods of time. They begin to venture out into the greater world, away from the safety of the parent-child bond....and, then, back again. This is how they become able to engage with the rest f the world...and develop their own skills and ability to perform and survive.
One can handicap a child by holding them too close for too long...It can hamper their ability to develop, socially.
You have been very open about wanting to be the "best parent ever"....well, preparing them and teaching them what they need to become, eventually, an independent adult is what a good parent has to do....that is the long term goal....
I think, for you, there is a need to develop more of a life for youself. There are lots of examples of those who have focused their entire lives into their partner...or their kids...while ignoring that they are meant to flourish, also.
First of all---having a life of your own...while simultaneously being a partner/and, or, being a parent...is a tremendous and valuable role modeling for the child. What they see you have...personally...they will want for themselves... A parent who clings tightly to the child, in fear, can be crippling to the child...no matter where that "fear" is coming from.....
As for single parenthood...you are already doing a majority of it anyway....the work part of it. You exhaustion, that you frequently speak of, I think, comes more from trying to manage your alcoholic wife and live in that environment, than being a single parent...
I myself, was a single parent after I divorced their father...3 little ones...with one still in diapers...
It was not the horror that you think it is. I was much more relaxed, and happy and able to enjoy the simple pleasures of being alive! I know that I was a better mother--because I had more life energy to direct their way....We had so much fun and did so many things together....all the time....Yet--I was free to have friendships of my own, too...and to date and enjoy the company of ma les who treated me well (I never lived with any of them---until I married, again).....
They saw their father...(as much as he would allow)...and, they loved their father.
And...this is big---they didn't see us fighting. They didn't feel the tension between us in the atmosphere....they didn't see an unhappy mother who diverted her energy elsewhere...
Now, as adults, they recall the happy times that they/we had as they were growing up....
Now, I didn't get married, planning to get divorced! Just like everybody else, I did everything I could to hold up my end of the bargain....but, that is n ot how it worked out....
Because I divorced their father did not destroy anyone. Had I stayed in that marriage, with the kids, I think it would have been a different story.....
I'm just saying,,,,,,
I think you are doing the same with your fears of single parenthood.
You may be becoming too dependent on your son. He is absolutely capable of being without you for a few days at a time....in the presence of another caretaker. As a matter of fact, children of his age need to be away from their parents for well circumscribed periods of time. They begin to venture out into the greater world, away from the safety of the parent-child bond....and, then, back again. This is how they become able to engage with the rest f the world...and develop their own skills and ability to perform and survive.
One can handicap a child by holding them too close for too long...It can hamper their ability to develop, socially.
You have been very open about wanting to be the "best parent ever"....well, preparing them and teaching them what they need to become, eventually, an independent adult is what a good parent has to do....that is the long term goal....
I think, for you, there is a need to develop more of a life for youself. There are lots of examples of those who have focused their entire lives into their partner...or their kids...while ignoring that they are meant to flourish, also.
First of all---having a life of your own...while simultaneously being a partner/and, or, being a parent...is a tremendous and valuable role modeling for the child. What they see you have...personally...they will want for themselves... A parent who clings tightly to the child, in fear, can be crippling to the child...no matter where that "fear" is coming from.....
As for single parenthood...you are already doing a majority of it anyway....the work part of it. You exhaustion, that you frequently speak of, I think, comes more from trying to manage your alcoholic wife and live in that environment, than being a single parent...
I myself, was a single parent after I divorced their father...3 little ones...with one still in diapers...
It was not the horror that you think it is. I was much more relaxed, and happy and able to enjoy the simple pleasures of being alive! I know that I was a better mother--because I had more life energy to direct their way....We had so much fun and did so many things together....all the time....Yet--I was free to have friendships of my own, too...and to date and enjoy the company of ma les who treated me well (I never lived with any of them---until I married, again).....
They saw their father...(as much as he would allow)...and, they loved their father.
And...this is big---they didn't see us fighting. They didn't feel the tension between us in the atmosphere....they didn't see an unhappy mother who diverted her energy elsewhere...
Now, as adults, they recall the happy times that they/we had as they were growing up....
Now, I didn't get married, planning to get divorced! Just like everybody else, I did everything I could to hold up my end of the bargain....but, that is n ot how it worked out....
Because I divorced their father did not destroy anyone. Had I stayed in that marriage, with the kids, I think it would have been a different story.....
I'm just saying,,,,,,
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
Heck, I don't know - you guys are doing so much for me as it is. I'm not a wuss or anything, I just hate the thought of hurting my son and breaking apart the family. And the thought of selling the house that we built two years ago, and the battles and the hateful words she will spew from her mouth, and the tension and stress.
I told the attorney that DS always says, "I love it when we are all together". (Meaning DS, me, and AW). Attorney said, "It sounds like he doesn't believe you guys are really 'together' even when you are in the same house. Thoughts?
I told the attorney that DS always says, "I love it when we are all together". (Meaning DS, me, and AW). Attorney said, "It sounds like he doesn't believe you guys are really 'together' even when you are in the same house. Thoughts?
I haven't read the rest of the thread yet, but my oldest son (10) talks often about how he wants us all do do things together.
Just an FYI - I've been following your story and have read past threads. I know it must be so hard for you, and I think you are doing a kick ass job of keeping things together and staying on a path which I know is sad and scary for you. I will probably be going down this road within a year or two. I mean it when I say you've been kind of an inspiration for me
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