Retaining Atty. on Wednesday
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Originally Posted by dandylion 
I think that the greatest damage to your child, right now, is witnessing a dysfu nctional relationship, as a part of his daily life.....it is his current "normal"....
He will carry that into his adult life
He will carry that into his adult life
I quoted what Dandy said, above, because it really is important. I think sometimes that parents don't truly understand what a child is going to learn from all of this dysfunction.
Your wife isn't going away, your child will have contact with her, someday they may have a great relationship, it's not the end of your child's family just hopefully a better family for him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Thank you to everyone for your kind words and encouragement. I spent a great deal of time filling out affidavits yesterday (I ABHOR paperwork), and that saddened me. AW is on vacation this week and keeping DS home with her, so she's been somewhat better in her interactions towards me. But, she was still slumped over the island last night when I came down to turn off the lights.
Appt. is at 9 this morning, and it's 6 degrees outside - that's going to be fun.
I really, REALLY appreciate all your support, tough love - EVERYTHING! Without you guys I would never have gotten to this point, it just wouldn't have happened.
Down the road, I'll tell DS what a wonderful group of friends I have, that I've never met!
COD
Appt. is at 9 this morning, and it's 6 degrees outside - that's going to be fun.
I really, REALLY appreciate all your support, tough love - EVERYTHING! Without you guys I would never have gotten to this point, it just wouldn't have happened.
Down the road, I'll tell DS what a wonderful group of friends I have, that I've never met!
COD
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
We are in your corner COD--it's about that cold outside here this morning.
I'm pumping wood into the woodstove to keep it tolerable and still sitting
here in a down coat (no central heat)
Hang in there and let us know how it goes and what else we can do to support you.
I'm pumping wood into the woodstove to keep it tolerable and still sitting
here in a down coat (no central heat)
Hang in there and let us know how it goes and what else we can do to support you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It was 1 degree here this morning, yuck! It makes me lack motivation to do anything except be home and read a book. However, responsibility calls, and I always answer!
Keep on keeping on. That sweet boy knows you love him so much, and will always be there for him. That's #1, always. You are a great dad COD!!!!!
Keep on keeping on. That sweet boy knows you love him so much, and will always be there for him. That's #1, always. You are a great dad COD!!!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
You OK COD?
I'm a 'processor', and there seemed like too much to process today. Also, AW and I have plans to go to a musical mid-January, it was her birthday present. There was a good possibility she would get the filing before the play - and I'm too nice of a guy to ruin that for her. I will sign them, probably soon.
Just not today.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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In case it helps...
I grew up the way your son is. Constantly watching for signs of tension, trying to head off trouble, being the good child, learning how to diffuse tension by being funny, always, always on alert, always looking for approval, never feeling safe.
Today I am nearly sixty. I repeat those patterns to this day. I have just returned from two days with my family...including my difficult father who is now 93 and almost gone, mentally and physically...and I did it all again. I am exhausted and depressed.
This is the life role your son is learning.
Save him. The world is not kind to pleasers.
Sending you a hug.
I grew up the way your son is. Constantly watching for signs of tension, trying to head off trouble, being the good child, learning how to diffuse tension by being funny, always, always on alert, always looking for approval, never feeling safe.
Today I am nearly sixty. I repeat those patterns to this day. I have just returned from two days with my family...including my difficult father who is now 93 and almost gone, mentally and physically...and I did it all again. I am exhausted and depressed.
This is the life role your son is learning.
Save him. The world is not kind to pleasers.
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Aries.....what a great (accurate) statement---"The world is not kind to pleasers".....
OMG...that is sooo true!
It is often the pleasers that end up saying (feeling) that the world is not fair. Actually, the world isn't fair...but, the "pleasers" seem to have less natural protection from the bumps and scrapes of life.....
OMG...that is sooo true!
It is often the pleasers that end up saying (feeling) that the world is not fair. Actually, the world isn't fair...but, the "pleasers" seem to have less natural protection from the bumps and scrapes of life.....
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ariesagain and Central Ohio Dad.....I am dedicating the following song to you....
It is a song about a "pleaser".....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVy5yOs0NSA
It is a song about a "pleaser".....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVy5yOs0NSA
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Also, AW and I have plans to go to a musical mid-January, it was her birthday present. There was a good possibility she would get the filing before the play - and I'm too nice of a guy to ruin that for her.
If you're not ready, you're not ready, and it is what it is. If you're overwhelmed, well, who wouldn't be? But don't put yourself in a position where you start manufacturing reasons to delay what needs to be done.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart
She has no problem passing out drunk in front of her son, peeing on the floor, and Lord knows what else, and you're concerned about ruining a musical for her?
If you're not ready, you're not ready, and it is what it is. If you're overwhelmed, well, who wouldn't be? But don't put yourself in a position where you start manufacturing reasons to delay what needs to be done.
If you're not ready, you're not ready, and it is what it is. If you're overwhelmed, well, who wouldn't be? But don't put yourself in a position where you start manufacturing reasons to delay what needs to be done.
Let the tickets go and start getting your life back.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I'm not sure I understand the part about not wanting to ruin an evening at a musical either. You may need to ignore the part of you that worries about whether your ex thinks you're a "nice guy" (guaranteed she won't once she receives the divorce papers).
I agree with the others, if you yourself aren't ready to sign, then hold off (and own the decision not to sign the papers). But there will always be an external reason why "now" is not the right time (Christmas is coming, we have plans to go to a play, it's her mom's birthday ...). Please don't let these external reasons get in the way of securing your son's future. He's spent a lot of time in a dysfunctional mess already, and it hasn't gotten better in years.
I agree with the others, if you yourself aren't ready to sign, then hold off (and own the decision not to sign the papers). But there will always be an external reason why "now" is not the right time (Christmas is coming, we have plans to go to a play, it's her mom's birthday ...). Please don't let these external reasons get in the way of securing your son's future. He's spent a lot of time in a dysfunctional mess already, and it hasn't gotten better in years.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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(In case I don't sound sympathetic, I do understand where you're coming from. I had all the papers and everything together for a separation agreement, and at the last minute almost stalled because ... it was our 20th anniversary the next week and I thought it would be "mean" of me to "ruin" it. Never mind that the whole marriage was already ruined, or that I was living with someone who gave me rules about what I was allowed to touch or not touch in the house, so that he could "feel more comfortable", as well as other red-flag signs of craziness.
Fortunately I got past the stall, told him it was over and here's the paperwork, and then stood there as he took the anniversary card my parents had sent and tore it slowly into little pieces over the garbage can while watching for my reaction. I do not regret my decision, or the timing of it, at all).
Fortunately I got past the stall, told him it was over and here's the paperwork, and then stood there as he took the anniversary card my parents had sent and tore it slowly into little pieces over the garbage can while watching for my reaction. I do not regret my decision, or the timing of it, at all).
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 89
I think I had at least two consultations with my lawyer over the course of a year and a half before I finally decided it was time.
While I understand the desire to wait until after her birthday, don’t do what I did and keep finding “reasons” why I needed to wait. I used birthdays, the end of school, the beginning of school, and various holidays as deadlines that I never stuck to.
While I understand the desire to wait until after her birthday, don’t do what I did and keep finding “reasons” why I needed to wait. I used birthdays, the end of school, the beginning of school, and various holidays as deadlines that I never stuck to.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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I worked hard to make every occasion that revolved around my ex a perfect day or outing- Father's Day, his b-day (he went out of his way to be a jerk on other people's birthdays), and there was always drinking no matter what. He once made a special trip to the liquor store because he'd realized it was the cat's birthday.
Just like he always had a "reason" to drink, there was always a reason I couldn't just leave. Maybe if I tried again with another perfect day for him, he would be happy enough to stop drinking for his loving family.
I had my own timeline and so do you. It was never going to be easy, because nothing in my ex's life can be simple, there's always got to be some big drama going on no matter what. If you take her out for a perfect evening and then hand her the papers the next time you're angry that she is an alcoholic, how is that any kinder?
Just like he always had a "reason" to drink, there was always a reason I couldn't just leave. Maybe if I tried again with another perfect day for him, he would be happy enough to stop drinking for his loving family.
I had my own timeline and so do you. It was never going to be easy, because nothing in my ex's life can be simple, there's always got to be some big drama going on no matter what. If you take her out for a perfect evening and then hand her the papers the next time you're angry that she is an alcoholic, how is that any kinder?
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COD....I really do get why you want to wait another 2 weeks....and, you have the right to do that, of course. It is your life and your time li ne....
I think that what people are saying (and I agree)....just don't fall into the trap of making reasons/excuses to postpone the necessary and inevitable.....
The passage of time won't make it any easier.....in fact, I think that the longer that you procrasitinate.....it actually makes it harder to summon your courage....
I think that what people are saying (and I agree)....just don't fall into the trap of making reasons/excuses to postpone the necessary and inevitable.....
The passage of time won't make it any easier.....in fact, I think that the longer that you procrasitinate.....it actually makes it harder to summon your courage....
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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I've already made an appointment to go next week to sign everything and get it moving forward. Being in limbo isn't helping me or DS. I do appreciate everyone's support (and the well-deserved kicks in the pants!)
COD
COD
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