Approaching Christmas... facing my fears
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Approaching Christmas... facing my fears
I'm working through a lot of trauma and fears in therapy, recovery groups and counseling -- recovering from c-ptsd.
My Christmas plans are a combination of putting me first and sacrificing some of this in a planned, supported, deliberate way in order to work on building healthy relationships for myself, my husband and DS10. We don't have a parenting plan. I've had full custody for more than 1 1/2 years.
My husband is in jail until December 24, finishing a lenient sentence from a 2015 arrest that allowed him to serve jail time on his own schedule.
He is currently working a recovery program(?). For all the times that hasn't lasted in the past, for all the other issues involved and for the Post Alcohol Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) symptoms that have been difficult for me to deal with... I simply, honestly fear this.
One acronym for fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. ... and then there's good, healthy fear... honoring and acknowledging both of these.
I am going to rent a cabin next door to a resort for Dec. 24 and 25. My husband is welcome to join us there. I'm not going to cook ANYTHING. I'm going to continue doing things very differently than the first 30 years of our marriage. I'm grateful for fast food, other restaurants and prepared foods at the grocery store. I'll buy milk, cereal, fruit, yogurt and tea to have on hand, and a 12 pack of Coca-Cola, which I now find fun, festive and comforting to have around even when I don't drink it. Trains and Coca-Cola trucks are a fun thing for me to notice and enjoy while traveling.
I'm completely okay with no holiday decorations, other than stockings to hang for DS and our puppy, and holiday paper plates. Everything we need keeps showing up in our lives and I'll continue to trust in that. DS and I enjoy hanging out at the resort and they have decorations there.
I'm practicing things I can say, such as "No one else gets to say what I've experienced." and "No." as a complete sentence with no explanation or justification. My biggest fears right now are because of the childhood trauma I'm now remembering and my husband and adult children being close to my parents. Not issues I'm willing to discuss yet. This is definitely a time to keep things light and bright and not tackle any big things!
I am getting comfortable with calling 911 for help when I need to. That sounds really at odds with planning a holiday, but it fits in well for me and I'm going to embrace this. I'm grateful for police and 911 operators who have been there to support me and it's VERY good for me to know I have this resource available.
My Christmas plans are a combination of putting me first and sacrificing some of this in a planned, supported, deliberate way in order to work on building healthy relationships for myself, my husband and DS10. We don't have a parenting plan. I've had full custody for more than 1 1/2 years.
My husband is in jail until December 24, finishing a lenient sentence from a 2015 arrest that allowed him to serve jail time on his own schedule.
He is currently working a recovery program(?). For all the times that hasn't lasted in the past, for all the other issues involved and for the Post Alcohol Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) symptoms that have been difficult for me to deal with... I simply, honestly fear this.
One acronym for fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. ... and then there's good, healthy fear... honoring and acknowledging both of these.
I am going to rent a cabin next door to a resort for Dec. 24 and 25. My husband is welcome to join us there. I'm not going to cook ANYTHING. I'm going to continue doing things very differently than the first 30 years of our marriage. I'm grateful for fast food, other restaurants and prepared foods at the grocery store. I'll buy milk, cereal, fruit, yogurt and tea to have on hand, and a 12 pack of Coca-Cola, which I now find fun, festive and comforting to have around even when I don't drink it. Trains and Coca-Cola trucks are a fun thing for me to notice and enjoy while traveling.
I'm completely okay with no holiday decorations, other than stockings to hang for DS and our puppy, and holiday paper plates. Everything we need keeps showing up in our lives and I'll continue to trust in that. DS and I enjoy hanging out at the resort and they have decorations there.
I'm practicing things I can say, such as "No one else gets to say what I've experienced." and "No." as a complete sentence with no explanation or justification. My biggest fears right now are because of the childhood trauma I'm now remembering and my husband and adult children being close to my parents. Not issues I'm willing to discuss yet. This is definitely a time to keep things light and bright and not tackle any big things!
I am getting comfortable with calling 911 for help when I need to. That sounds really at odds with planning a holiday, but it fits in well for me and I'm going to embrace this. I'm grateful for police and 911 operators who have been there to support me and it's VERY good for me to know I have this resource available.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Well, it sounds like you have a sound plan. Am I to understand correct that you and your son are staying at the resort but also have rented the cabin in case your husband wants to join? Just making sure I understand.
How is the puppy? So exciting. We are picking up my daughter's puppy next week. She is a young adult, she is doing all the work and paying all the bills. We will see how it goes, but I am excited. Who doesn't love puppies?!
It's my understanding you have spent the majority of this time NC with your husband. Is something else going on that you have to call 911 for? I hope you and your son are safe? You don't have to say, and I am not being nosey. I wish for happiness and safety for you and your son.
Sending continued prayers and big hugs!
How is the puppy? So exciting. We are picking up my daughter's puppy next week. She is a young adult, she is doing all the work and paying all the bills. We will see how it goes, but I am excited. Who doesn't love puppies?!
It's my understanding you have spent the majority of this time NC with your husband. Is something else going on that you have to call 911 for? I hope you and your son are safe? You don't have to say, and I am not being nosey. I wish for happiness and safety for you and your son.
Sending continued prayers and big hugs!
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
I'm going to rent the cabin. The price is lower, allows for pets, has a lot of room and several sleeping areas. I'm looking forward to to this. DS10 is too.
I started No Contact with my husband's last relapse.
I ask God/Universe/Great Spirit for guidance throughout each day and in deep meditation and quiet prayer time. Usually this results in more joy and good connections with healthy people... often, I'm also brought awareness of emotional pain and hurt I didn't notice.
Everything is counter-intuitive and illogical, yet I keep seeing and feeling great healing in my life, even with digging into deeper layers of pain I hadn't known were there.
Safety for myself and DS comes first. By taking this One day at a time, everything keeps working out. I respond quicker when feeling any need to call for help or support. Dealing with an active alcoholic is not something I want to do anymore. If another relapse happens, I'm willing to step out of the way and let others deal with it.
Open to healing, however that presents itself!
Puppy is beautiful and much loved. She's also how HP works in my life... giving me something light, bright and distracting right when I'm ready to do more and work on my recovery in a different way.
I started No Contact with my husband's last relapse.
I ask God/Universe/Great Spirit for guidance throughout each day and in deep meditation and quiet prayer time. Usually this results in more joy and good connections with healthy people... often, I'm also brought awareness of emotional pain and hurt I didn't notice.
Everything is counter-intuitive and illogical, yet I keep seeing and feeling great healing in my life, even with digging into deeper layers of pain I hadn't known were there.
Safety for myself and DS comes first. By taking this One day at a time, everything keeps working out. I respond quicker when feeling any need to call for help or support. Dealing with an active alcoholic is not something I want to do anymore. If another relapse happens, I'm willing to step out of the way and let others deal with it.
Open to healing, however that presents itself!
Puppy is beautiful and much loved. She's also how HP works in my life... giving me something light, bright and distracting right when I'm ready to do more and work on my recovery in a different way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
The resort has public areas that are decorated for the holidays, fun kid friendly things to do, free wifi and restaurants. Not planning on staying cooped up anywhere. Getting connected with life in new ways this Christmas.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Thank you!
There is a big part of me that wants to loudly TELL what horrible, crazy, mean things my parents did, but I understand how this abuse is often turned around and the victim is the one blamed. It infuriates me that my husband and our oldest children are close to my abusers and very sympathetic to them.
And then I'm able to step away from this, create the space I want and need around me, and choose who I'm willing to share that with.
It helps in vocalizing this, in acknowledging this... in seeing what I'm powerless over, I also find where I do have power in my life.
DS10 isn't aware of the seriousness of the dynamics between myself and my parents. He's allowed to miss them, to mention them... and some of the awareness he's spoken of in how he sees them has astounded me. He misses them most after being around his siblings... not sure if it's things they say or simply memories of times we've all been together as my parents are great at putting on elaborate shows of being "wonderful people" when it serves them.
Thanks to Alanon, I'm able to let him share without commenting and without changing or challenging any of his feelings. He is allowed to FEEL whatever comes up.
In all this I'm able to recognize anger I have, deal with it in private, realize there is no simply sharing this with others in my close family... and finding PEACE.
There is a big part of me that wants to loudly TELL what horrible, crazy, mean things my parents did, but I understand how this abuse is often turned around and the victim is the one blamed. It infuriates me that my husband and our oldest children are close to my abusers and very sympathetic to them.
And then I'm able to step away from this, create the space I want and need around me, and choose who I'm willing to share that with.
It helps in vocalizing this, in acknowledging this... in seeing what I'm powerless over, I also find where I do have power in my life.
DS10 isn't aware of the seriousness of the dynamics between myself and my parents. He's allowed to miss them, to mention them... and some of the awareness he's spoken of in how he sees them has astounded me. He misses them most after being around his siblings... not sure if it's things they say or simply memories of times we've all been together as my parents are great at putting on elaborate shows of being "wonderful people" when it serves them.
Thanks to Alanon, I'm able to let him share without commenting and without changing or challenging any of his feelings. He is allowed to FEEL whatever comes up.
In all this I'm able to recognize anger I have, deal with it in private, realize there is no simply sharing this with others in my close family... and finding PEACE.
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