thousandwords53

So I was asked on a date by stbxh. I was feeling anxiety about answering him, and felt like saying "maybe" or "sure" just so I didn't have to say "NO". (Even though I wanted to say no)
So I declined by saying "please do not ask me that"
A round about way of saying "no"
Ugh. I know I've seen threads here about feeling guilty when saying no...man I'm feeling extremely uncomfortable but I did it.
Go me. Haha.

Mango blast

"Please do not ask me that."

Direct. Honest.

Purpleskye

Direct and honest is right. And the best way to go. If they don't appreciate it, then that says more about them than you.

Ariesagain

hearthealth

It actually sounds better than a no. This way he knows not to ask that in the future either.

hearthealth

You can't control what another person will say. You can reinforce your boundaries.

dandylion

thousandwords....the way I look at it---your job was to give an honest answer. You did that...at least, you didn't tell him a positive answer.
His responsibility is to process it any way he sees fit. It is not your job to process it for him.....
He has to learn to live life on life's terms...just like the rest of us.

**Warning---you are going to need to get over the idea of him liking or approving or being happy/satisfied with every thing you say or do.....
Expect that he will be angry...or sad...or unhappy...or manipulative....That is his problem....not your monkey, any more.....
It will take practice, on your part....but, you will eventually find out that the Earth still spins on it's axis....and the locusts don't come.....

hopeful4

Good for you!

Gm0824

I think you gave a great answer! I have a (kind of) funny story: there was a man who I was uninterested in that kept asking me out to dinner and I said a lot of variations of the word "No". Short and sweet. No, No thank you, Nope. And with every "Nope" he would wait a week and then ask again. Frustrated, I was telling an older man I trust about this and asked what I should do. He laughed at me and said every time I say "Nope" the guy hears "Hope". His sage advice? "No, and do not ask me again." or "No, I am not interested in that and do not ask me again." And it worked! Say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean.

thousandwords53

Thank you all for the encouragement. I had knee jerk reactions to add: "sorry" or "hope you understand" or "can I think about it" ....and am still grappling with feeling his rejection for him. I'm just going to acknowledge these feelings and ride them out. In previous times I would have went on that date or apologized for my answer. I have lots of work to do still.

Ariesagain

I wonder...if you cave in and “date” him while separated isn’t that giving him exactly what he wants?

No pesky parenting responsibilities.

Your undivided attention during the “date.”

Sex on demand.

In between times he can indulge his addictions without interference.

All on his schedule.

Why feel guilty about not catering to his supreme selfishness?

thousandwords53

I feel guilty because somewhere along the line I have been conditioned to please. Your thoughts on him getting all the benefits of me without any ties were right in line with my thinking. He hasn't even had a chance to miss me yet. No contact fail.

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug.

qtpi

Its called a soft no. Perfectly acceptable.

glenl

It's textbook codependency. I didn't realize it myself for many years. It seems to me it takes a lot of anti-brainwashing before you shake it, at least for me that's true so far.

Mango blast

"I'm just going to acknowledge these feelings and ride them out."

This is a beautiful way to deal with these feelings!

You're doing many good things. Acknowledge, Honor and Accept the ways you've been good to yourself.

The more we focus on the healing... the ways we're making progress... the HEALTHY places we see in ourselves... the quicker these things take hold and grow.

Growth is uncomfortable.

"All the joy and happiness I'll ever want is right outside my comfort zone."

With growth, practice and Alanon.... one day I realized SERENITY is also possible outside my comfort zone.

Illogical, yet there it was.

Prayer:

Give me eyes to see
Ears to hear and
Strength to embrace the illogical.

dandylion

glenl....be careful to totally avoid the horizontal tango. That would totally upset your applecart.
Men tend to consider that to indicate that everything is back to status quo.....

thousandwords53

What Dandy said^^^ (not that I'd know....ok yes I do hahahaha)

Sasha1972

I think your answer is great. Not only do you not want to "date" your ex (blech!), you don't want to be in the position of having to think about whether you want to "date" your ex. So you don't even want the question to intrude into your space.

Way to go!

hearthealth

^^^^^This is the cycle that keeps happening. So much harder when you're living with the person.