TropicalWinter

I'm going to try to describe this as well as possible without compromising privacy.

STBXAH and I are on the same page to an extent - we want to make the divorce as painless and drama-free as possible.

However, his view of that is for me to sign paperwork that his lawyer drew up. He wanted me to go over the paperwork with him and sign it that afternoon. I told him that he needed to email it to me.

These last few months, I have been the busiest I've ever been with an internship and my capstone semester in school. I read the paperwork, thought "no way in hell am I signing that," and brushed it aside, buying time by telling him that I had questions about it before I signed anything.

In the meantime, his father passed away. A couple of days ago he told me that we needed to settle everything, as in me signing, by this weekend. He asked me what my questions were, and I told him that I would email him.

I do not have a lawyer - yet. I am only just now coming up for air after finishing school. The paperwork involves me waiving my right to alimony, child support, and other financial rights. He has said that he wants to "work that out" with me, but bottom line is that I don't trust him. He is living in addiction, and he abandoned us. I am NOT signing it.

But here's where the FEAR comes in. I have grown a lot in my own recovery, and I am no longer the person I once was. However, because of this pressure to sign this paperwork, I am feeling those old feelings of fear surface again:

Fear of telling him no
Fear of the repercussions of saying no with regards to other aspects of my situation (can't really elaborate publicly, but let's just say that I am more tied to his family than I'd necessarily like to be, but I'm not really in a position to change that right now)
Fear that he will use the children as weapons - right now I have them the vast majority of the time, and I'd like to keep it that way

My thought process right now is, instead of emailing him a long, detailed list of the aspects of the paperwork that I object to, I should just say something like "While I agree that it would be best to keep this as simple as possible, I am not comfortable signing the paperwork at this time." As in, taking a "less is more" approach. A friend of mine who is in recovery said that silence can never be misquoted.

IDK, just putting it out there.

SparkleKitty

He is very clearly pressuring you to make an uninformed decision on an arbitrary deadline. You don't even need to respond.

But you do need to engage a lawyer as soon as possible. Doing so is not causing drama, it is protecting yourself and your kids. There is no way on earth that you should trust him to do the right thing, and that is not something you need to feel guilty for.

Sasha1972

Where I live, "waiving child support" isn't even legal. Child support is the right of the child - a parent can't sign away their child's right to support from the other parent. To me, any paperwork which involves you agreeing not to pursue child support is a red flag.

Lawyers exist to sort out matters like this. I think it would be completely legitimate for you to say that you need independent legal advice before signing anything. Hire a lawyer who is working for you alone (don't "share" a lawyer with your ex) and have him/her go over the paperwork and explain the implications to you. You do not have to be pressured into anything.

CentralOhioDad

What's the rush with him? Something he wants to hide, I feel. I think he knows you have the fears, and if he pushes hard enough, that you will cave in to those fears.

I agree - get a lawyer ASAP! You need an unbiased advocate on YOUR side, and soon.

TropicalWinter

Oh yes, he is definitely pressuring me. The impetus for writing this post is that he texted me a little bit ago asking how I was coming on the paperwork. I haven't responded.

And yes, the deadline is arbitrary. I am very well aware that I am under no obligation whatsoever to cater to their desires. The thing is, that whole family is used to wielding power over people and getting things their way. They are very wealthy, have beautiful homes, fancy cars, but the inside is rotten - enmeshed, enabling, petty, and shallow.

TropicalWinter

I believe the rush is because his father has died. I don't know exactly how that changes his situation, but that's the only thing I can think of. The family is VERY wealthy. I had suspected that was the reason behind the pressure a few weeks ago when his father was really sick - they wanted me to sign before he died. But he died sooner than they thought he would, I think.

CentralOhioDad

Like others have said, "Fears are not facts." Stay strong and you'll do the right thing.

atalose

What is your holdup in getting an attorney? That should be the first thing you do, not put anything in writing to him regarding anything he's proposed.

Is the pressure to sign the paperwork have anything to do with the grandfather passing away and a possible inherence he might be receiving?

Just because he texts or calls doesn't mean you need to respond. This is where an attorney is invaluable!

TropicalWinter

I am in the process of getting referrals for an attorney. I have been barely making it through these last few months with school and being a single mom. I just finished school and finally have the time to address these issues.

I had talked to an attorney when he first left and had been stealing money from me in the form of cashing checks at a check cashing place. However, that attorney has indirect ties to the family, so I want someone new.

TropicalWinter

And yes, I think the pressure has everything to do with the death of his father. Either an inheritance or a change in salary/status in the family business, or both. We have been separated for a couple of years now, but there is no "legal separation" in my state. He wants me to sign away my rights to EVERYTHING. He even told me to my face that there is no alimony in our state, which is completely untrue. If there's no alimony, then why is there language in the document for me to waive my right to it? Hmmmmmmmm

SparkleKitty

Yeah, he and his family need to stop being your primary source of information.

TropicalWinter

Oh, they're not my primary source of information. I don't trust any of them at ALL.

DreamCatcher17

I agree with a lot of the above. I would get a lawyer, I would not sign anything that says I will not be getting child support or other finances while he is active in his addiction, who knows if you would get the money that your kids need VS his needs first. If he doesn't pay, there are consequences, I am not sure where you live or how the law is for custody of children, but I wish you the best and I hope you are able to keep your babies away from the addiction, that is no place for a child. I am sure you know that I would not handle any situation well if my baby was away from me, even for 1 day. .

glenl

I am not a lawyer, but I worked for lawyers for many years.

DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING WITHOUT HAVING YOUR OWN ATTORNEY LOOK AT IT FIRST.

I all-caps this from a place of love. This man does not have your best interest in mind - if he did, you wouldn't be afraid.

I wouldn't respond to any more messages. I know lawyers are expensive, but call around and find someone who will work with you. This is a stereotype, but you may have better luck with a female attorney in a situation like this.

He almost certainly has come into some asset or cash he thinks he can hide. And you have every right to child support, etc. Don't sign it away to "keep the peace" - there already is no peace to keep.

atalose

I don’t mean this in a mean way but you have lived separate lives for 2 years and you are only now today seeking referrals for attorneys. I guess the separation worked for you financially and enabled you to attend school. When you don’t cave to his pressure any and all help he currently is providing he could take away, are you prepared for that?

TropicalWinter

Yes, the separation worked for me financially and enabled me to go to school. I had been an at-home mom for well over a decade when he abandoned us.

Yes, I am prepared for that possibility. I am in the process of getting my professional license and will be able to start working in that capacity soon (provided that I passed my board exam that I just took). My family is behind me and can help if I need them to.

TropicalWinter

I'm not signing it. I just have fear about telling him/them that.

SparkleKitty

That is something that a lawyer can (and should) do for you, then.

Hangnbyathread

Or how about you construct an edited version of the terms that are more inline with what you're thinking is fair.

At this point you don't need an attorney to help you decide what seems right to you.

I can pretty much guarantee that as soon as you change something more towards being in the middle or favoring you he will drag his feet on his end.

You don't need an attorney to tell you how to modify terms at this juncture.

Ariesagain

YOU NEED AN ATTORNEY.

Sorry, but I couldn’t disagree more. You’re going up against a wealthy family and an ex who doesn’t think he needs to support his child AND he also thinks you’re stupid enough to sign away your rights and your child’s if he bullies you enough.

An attorney will know what your rights are in your jurisdiction and what the local judges and mediators are likely to accept.

I get that it’s scary and expensive but you owe it to your child, if nothing else.