Mt boyfriend
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 12
Mt boyfriend
my boyfriend will not let me talk to his sponsor. I really don't believe he has one. he won't event let me go to a meeting with two of them so I can find out more about his addiction. He stopped talking to me today. Any help would be great. He is a good man.
Pam
Pam
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hey there.
The thing is, it's not your recovery. It's his. It's his sponsor, his meetings, his drinking, his responsibility. I can't speak to whether or not he actually has a sponsor, but either way, it's up to him to decide how much of it he shares or doesn't share, and he needs the space to do that.
In the meantime, you can find out more about addiction right here. We have an extensive collection of "Stickies" collected in four threads at the very top of the Friends & Family of Alcholics Forum that can provide you with a good foundation for understanding addiction, and its partner, codependency, which is most of what we deal with over here on this side of Sober Recovery.
As for his not talking to you, I really can't say what that might be about. Now is a good time to focus on taking care of yourself and giving him the space to take care of himself. Early recovery can be an overwhelming time for people dealing with addiction -- they have given up their primary coping mechanism for for uncomfortable feelings and haven't replaced it with healthy behaviors yet.
The thing is, it's not your recovery. It's his. It's his sponsor, his meetings, his drinking, his responsibility. I can't speak to whether or not he actually has a sponsor, but either way, it's up to him to decide how much of it he shares or doesn't share, and he needs the space to do that.
In the meantime, you can find out more about addiction right here. We have an extensive collection of "Stickies" collected in four threads at the very top of the Friends & Family of Alcholics Forum that can provide you with a good foundation for understanding addiction, and its partner, codependency, which is most of what we deal with over here on this side of Sober Recovery.
As for his not talking to you, I really can't say what that might be about. Now is a good time to focus on taking care of yourself and giving him the space to take care of himself. Early recovery can be an overwhelming time for people dealing with addiction -- they have given up their primary coping mechanism for for uncomfortable feelings and haven't replaced it with healthy behaviors yet.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Addicts drink/drug/gamble... etc, as a (flawed and destructive) coping mechanism for feelings they find too overwhelming to face. Sometimes facing those feelings can be extremely painful. In recovery, they are not supposed to use alcohol/drugs/to gamble... etc, so they have no way of coping with their feelings and rehab is supposed to be a place where people who have the same problems can discuss their difficulties. It is probably very exposing for him to have to deal with this, and that might be why he doesn't want to share it. It may be that he is not ready to share it with you and may never be. I would give him the space to deal with his recovery on his own.
I can't tell you if he has a sponsor or not, nor can I say if he's actually doing all the things he is supposed to be doing. It takes a long time and a lot of work to learn to trust someone again if they have broken your trust. Shift your focus from the addict to your own well-being while they figure out how to manage their well-being. This is just my suggestion, and it is what I told my STBXAH we should do after he goes into rehab (unfortunately he had no intention of going to rehab): you can work on repairing your relationship when the addict is in a better place emotionally (however, it could be months). In the meantime, figure out your life, how you want to live, how you can live better... etc.
I can't tell you if he has a sponsor or not, nor can I say if he's actually doing all the things he is supposed to be doing. It takes a long time and a lot of work to learn to trust someone again if they have broken your trust. Shift your focus from the addict to your own well-being while they figure out how to manage their well-being. This is just my suggestion, and it is what I told my STBXAH we should do after he goes into rehab (unfortunately he had no intention of going to rehab): you can work on repairing your relationship when the addict is in a better place emotionally (however, it could be months). In the meantime, figure out your life, how you want to live, how you can live better... etc.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Based on your other thread and your growing intuition that he is not in a recovery program, he doesn’t have a sponsor and he’s filled excuses for why he can’t go AA meetings, then I think your intuition is correct, which it usually always is………….he’s been lying to you for a year. I think you know the truth but need some validation for what your instincts have been telling you and maybe some denial mixed in there with a little hope that it’s possible he is telling you the truth.
But then it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck……..it’s a duck!
But then it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck……..it’s a duck!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
I hate to say it, but he doesn't really owe you access to his recovery like that..... the whole point of recovery is individual accountability. He's a grown man who has the right to a certain amount of privacy around his therapy - you aren't his mom & he isn't a minor child needing someone to advocate for him. The best thing I ever did FOR ME was to fully let go of my husband's journey in all of this.
The real question you should be asking yourself is: What can you do to feel OK about things whether he is or isn't actively recovering? What are you doing to create & maintain boundaries around what you consider acceptable behavior? What are you going to do if/when you find out he isn't honoring your boundaries or meeting the expectations you have built up in your mind? What happens when you can't control the situation or the outcome?
Welcome to F&F!
The real question you should be asking yourself is: What can you do to feel OK about things whether he is or isn't actively recovering? What are you doing to create & maintain boundaries around what you consider acceptable behavior? What are you going to do if/when you find out he isn't honoring your boundaries or meeting the expectations you have built up in your mind? What happens when you can't control the situation or the outcome?
Welcome to F&F!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
