Really complicated...
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 9
Really complicated...
Hey all,
First time user, here. Thankful to have found this forum as I have felt very alone in everything my family is going through. I know this is long, but again, it's complicated.
My story is that my mom is an alcoholic of over 12 years and as of the last few years I'm also pretty sure abusing Ambien and possibly other meds. I am out of the house, in my 30s and married with my own kids.
However, things get complicated in the details. My dad is the pastor of the church where I lead worship. My mom became an alcoholic right when we started the church.
I found out in a pretty traumatizing way. She had a full blown, foaming at the mouth seizure in front of my husband and I probably 12 years ago. I was terrified and called 911. After she went limp, they asked me if she was still breathing and I literally thought she was dead. It was awful. Since then she has lost her license multiple times from DUI (currently hasn't had one for years and can't get it back for about another 2), and one of those times I had to pick her up out of jail. It has been the most insane roller coaster ride.
Throughout the course of all of that, she did get treatment at times and a lot of it really helped but she hasn't been in treatment actively for years. She had some (legitimately) bad experiences in AA and with the counselor at the Addiction Treatment Center she was attending. And the other issue is that my dad acts like having to take her to meetings since she can't drive is a huge pain for him, and with her being so insecure, she just got tired of asking (again, it's obviously layered with complications). However, in spite of being out of treatment, she was sober for well over a year until this summer. I came over with my kids and found her so drunk she couldn't get out of her chair and after I helped her to bed, I found what seemed to be a suicide note. This was a first and it scared the crap out of me. I immediately contacted my dad, and although he was concerned, he didn't do anything other than talk to her and have her call me to explain herself. I tried to tell her that this is extremely concerning and she needs to be seeing a therapist or other professional but she was very adamant that she isn't actually suicidal, etc. She apologized and said this time it wasn't like before but this was a one time slip up. Of course, I am smart enough to know that it doesn't work like that, and since then she has definitely not stayed sober, although I believe Ambien has been the culprit recently.
That all being said, it gets complicated because of the secrecy of the whole thing since my dad leads a church. My mom is extremely insecure and terrified people will find out. My dad tries to protect her (and partially his own image and "the church" I'm sure) by trying to manage all of her issues himself.
To explain my involvement and why this is so hard, after talking to a counselor myself recently, I'm realizing that my mom and I have a very codependent relationship. I am literally one of her only friends. Definitely the only one that she feels comfortable talking to about everything. Which means I have taken the brunt of every emotional breakdown she has endured. I have heard her say that she resents the church and feels like my dad values the church over her and many other concerning, unhealthy things about her marriage, etc. So I go into "fix it" mode and give advice and nag until I'm blue in the face, but obviously after this many years, it has done nothing but make me an enabler. And my kids ADORE her and she them, but I have kept them around her in spite of all of this because I feel so bad, which i now realize is also enabling and unhealthy for them.
So less than a week ago, my husband and I decided to meet with my parents to tell them that we are leaving the church. This may not sound like a big deal, but as the worship leader and our church being so small, it is a very big deal. We have been at the center of everything along with my dad since it started and there is a good chance that us leaving means the church falls apart. It wasn't meant to be an intervention meeting, but more of me saying that I can't keep enabling such dysfunction within my family and the church. My dad was very defensive and pretty much dismissed and disagreed with everything I had to say. Sadly, he is very blind to how bad it is. My mom just took it all personal and blames herself.
Since then, it has been a nightmare. My mom already has an issue with constantly messaging me when she's sober (it gets incredibly ridiculous), but she downward spiraled harder than ever. She thinks I'm cutting her off, is sending me messages asking why I think she is a terrible mom (never said anything like that), is definitely not sober and probably hasn't been since. My counselor is adamant that I go "gray rock" with them (for those not familiar, it's an alternative to "no contact" where you still have small contact with them but stay very neutral and don't feed into drama) and keep my communication with them very minimal. My mom has tried EVERYTHING so far to get me to connect with her - randomly offering money for house projects, to have the kids over, wanting to talk to the kids to talk about christmas presents, and so on. I am very confident that what we are doing is very much the right thing, but the fear of my mom killing herself, my dad not helping her get treatment (he thought she was "doing great" before I stepped in and in his words "undid all of [his] hard work to get her to a good place"), and just the general grief of leaving a church and disconnecting from family.
And now I have all these people at our church that are going to want to know what's going on when they find out we are leaving. I am so stressed out trying to figure out how to handle it (what do I tell them? how much should they know? etc) but I am trusting my counselor to help me work through that.
Anyway, thanks for reading through all of this. I can tell that I am slipping a bit into depression this week with all the heaviness of the emotions I'm trying to wrestle with. I don't really want to eat, I'm super irritable with my kids, sit in bed all day, can't cry anymore. All while ignoring erratic calls and texts from my mom. It's a mess. I am trying to trust that it just has to get worse before it gets better and let go of my expectations and control in any of this.
First time user, here. Thankful to have found this forum as I have felt very alone in everything my family is going through. I know this is long, but again, it's complicated.
My story is that my mom is an alcoholic of over 12 years and as of the last few years I'm also pretty sure abusing Ambien and possibly other meds. I am out of the house, in my 30s and married with my own kids.
However, things get complicated in the details. My dad is the pastor of the church where I lead worship. My mom became an alcoholic right when we started the church.
I found out in a pretty traumatizing way. She had a full blown, foaming at the mouth seizure in front of my husband and I probably 12 years ago. I was terrified and called 911. After she went limp, they asked me if she was still breathing and I literally thought she was dead. It was awful. Since then she has lost her license multiple times from DUI (currently hasn't had one for years and can't get it back for about another 2), and one of those times I had to pick her up out of jail. It has been the most insane roller coaster ride.
Throughout the course of all of that, she did get treatment at times and a lot of it really helped but she hasn't been in treatment actively for years. She had some (legitimately) bad experiences in AA and with the counselor at the Addiction Treatment Center she was attending. And the other issue is that my dad acts like having to take her to meetings since she can't drive is a huge pain for him, and with her being so insecure, she just got tired of asking (again, it's obviously layered with complications). However, in spite of being out of treatment, she was sober for well over a year until this summer. I came over with my kids and found her so drunk she couldn't get out of her chair and after I helped her to bed, I found what seemed to be a suicide note. This was a first and it scared the crap out of me. I immediately contacted my dad, and although he was concerned, he didn't do anything other than talk to her and have her call me to explain herself. I tried to tell her that this is extremely concerning and she needs to be seeing a therapist or other professional but she was very adamant that she isn't actually suicidal, etc. She apologized and said this time it wasn't like before but this was a one time slip up. Of course, I am smart enough to know that it doesn't work like that, and since then she has definitely not stayed sober, although I believe Ambien has been the culprit recently.
That all being said, it gets complicated because of the secrecy of the whole thing since my dad leads a church. My mom is extremely insecure and terrified people will find out. My dad tries to protect her (and partially his own image and "the church" I'm sure) by trying to manage all of her issues himself.
To explain my involvement and why this is so hard, after talking to a counselor myself recently, I'm realizing that my mom and I have a very codependent relationship. I am literally one of her only friends. Definitely the only one that she feels comfortable talking to about everything. Which means I have taken the brunt of every emotional breakdown she has endured. I have heard her say that she resents the church and feels like my dad values the church over her and many other concerning, unhealthy things about her marriage, etc. So I go into "fix it" mode and give advice and nag until I'm blue in the face, but obviously after this many years, it has done nothing but make me an enabler. And my kids ADORE her and she them, but I have kept them around her in spite of all of this because I feel so bad, which i now realize is also enabling and unhealthy for them.
So less than a week ago, my husband and I decided to meet with my parents to tell them that we are leaving the church. This may not sound like a big deal, but as the worship leader and our church being so small, it is a very big deal. We have been at the center of everything along with my dad since it started and there is a good chance that us leaving means the church falls apart. It wasn't meant to be an intervention meeting, but more of me saying that I can't keep enabling such dysfunction within my family and the church. My dad was very defensive and pretty much dismissed and disagreed with everything I had to say. Sadly, he is very blind to how bad it is. My mom just took it all personal and blames herself.
Since then, it has been a nightmare. My mom already has an issue with constantly messaging me when she's sober (it gets incredibly ridiculous), but she downward spiraled harder than ever. She thinks I'm cutting her off, is sending me messages asking why I think she is a terrible mom (never said anything like that), is definitely not sober and probably hasn't been since. My counselor is adamant that I go "gray rock" with them (for those not familiar, it's an alternative to "no contact" where you still have small contact with them but stay very neutral and don't feed into drama) and keep my communication with them very minimal. My mom has tried EVERYTHING so far to get me to connect with her - randomly offering money for house projects, to have the kids over, wanting to talk to the kids to talk about christmas presents, and so on. I am very confident that what we are doing is very much the right thing, but the fear of my mom killing herself, my dad not helping her get treatment (he thought she was "doing great" before I stepped in and in his words "undid all of [his] hard work to get her to a good place"), and just the general grief of leaving a church and disconnecting from family.
And now I have all these people at our church that are going to want to know what's going on when they find out we are leaving. I am so stressed out trying to figure out how to handle it (what do I tell them? how much should they know? etc) but I am trusting my counselor to help me work through that.
Anyway, thanks for reading through all of this. I can tell that I am slipping a bit into depression this week with all the heaviness of the emotions I'm trying to wrestle with. I don't really want to eat, I'm super irritable with my kids, sit in bed all day, can't cry anymore. All while ignoring erratic calls and texts from my mom. It's a mess. I am trying to trust that it just has to get worse before it gets better and let go of my expectations and control in any of this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
I think stepping back from this dysfunction is very wise on your part.
Of course your parents want to keep their "cover" intact and are trying to
draw you back in, blame shift, etc. but it sounds like a really unhealthy situation
for all concerned and nothing changes if nothing changes.
What you are doing takes courage, and I hope you really get extra support
from therapy and self-care in this acute stage.
Sending you support
Of course your parents want to keep their "cover" intact and are trying to
draw you back in, blame shift, etc. but it sounds like a really unhealthy situation
for all concerned and nothing changes if nothing changes.
What you are doing takes courage, and I hope you really get extra support
from therapy and self-care in this acute stage.
Sending you support
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 591
Hi tresat6, so sorry to read of your problem as it certainly sounds like a complicated one. I am by no means an expert but the central problem seems to be the church so can’t it also be part of the solution? Not sure your affiliation but my church Preaches weekly about excepting, loving, and lifting people who are in need of it. I do understand your dads wanting to keep this “secret” as he is a man of honor in the church, but there is no shame in her sickness, and I’m sure most if not all the congregation would not only understand but support her, and if not then they may need to listen a little closer to the message. It just seems to me that leaving the church is leaving the problem. It’s still there, but even more is broken? I hope you and your family find peace and I will certainly be praying for you and your mom.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Donnyb 
Hi tresat6, so sorry to read of your problem as it certainly sounds like a complicated one. I am by no means an expert but the central problem seems to be the church so can’t it also be part of the solution? Not sure your affiliation but my church Preaches weekly about excepting, loving, and lifting people who are in need of it. I do understand your dads wanting to keep this “secret” as he is a man of honor in the church, but there is no shame in her sickness, and I’m sure most if not all the congregation would not only understand but support her, and if not then they may need to listen a little closer to the message. It just seems to me that leaving the church is leaving the problem. It’s still there, but even more is broken? I hope you and your family find peace and I will certainly be praying for you and your mom.
I do believe that if they shared their struggles that the people at our church would lovingly surround them and I have been encouraging them to do exactly that from the beginning. But that is literally her worst nightmare (people finding out). She is legitimately terrified of what people will think of her and just uses any excuse to not tell anyone.
I feel like attending this church is not only stealing my peace and joy as I am constantly faced with my families issues, but I am also enabling my dad to see it all as "okay" and like it will magically get better as my mom suffers alone in their prison of a house.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm an alcoholic in recovery and I'm also Christian.
I agree that honesty and love are the answers. What a great lesson this would be for the entire congregation if your dad would practice what he preaches. Maybe in time he will admit his own brokenness. So very sad, I hope he reaches for help.
I know you posted about your mom, but your dad is suffering just as much and doesn't have the faith to move forward.
Have you considered just telling people the truth? What is the worst that could happen? I bet people already know. You can't hide something like alcoholism forever. Ripping off the bandaid...I mean, I don't think I could be persuaded to lie to people in my own church about something like this, and losing my support "family" by quitting church sounds pretty drastic.
I agree that honesty and love are the answers. What a great lesson this would be for the entire congregation if your dad would practice what he preaches. Maybe in time he will admit his own brokenness. So very sad, I hope he reaches for help.
I know you posted about your mom, but your dad is suffering just as much and doesn't have the faith to move forward.
Have you considered just telling people the truth? What is the worst that could happen? I bet people already know. You can't hide something like alcoholism forever. Ripping off the bandaid...I mean, I don't think I could be persuaded to lie to people in my own church about something like this, and losing my support "family" by quitting church sounds pretty drastic.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by biminiblue
I'm an alcoholic in recovery and I'm also Christian.
I agree that honesty and love are the answers. What a great lesson this would be for the entire congregation if your dad would practice what he preaches. Maybe in time he will admit his own brokenness. So very sad, I hope he reaches for help.
I know you posted about your mom, but your dad is suffering just as much and doesn't have the faith to move forward.
Have you considered just telling people the truth? What is the worst that could happen? I bet people already know. You can't hide something like alcoholism forever. Ripping off the bandaid...I mean, I don't think I could be persuaded to lie to people in my own church about something like this, and losing my support "family" by quitting church sounds pretty drastic.
I agree that honesty and love are the answers. What a great lesson this would be for the entire congregation if your dad would practice what he preaches. Maybe in time he will admit his own brokenness. So very sad, I hope he reaches for help.
I know you posted about your mom, but your dad is suffering just as much and doesn't have the faith to move forward.
Have you considered just telling people the truth? What is the worst that could happen? I bet people already know. You can't hide something like alcoholism forever. Ripping off the bandaid...I mean, I don't think I could be persuaded to lie to people in my own church about something like this, and losing my support "family" by quitting church sounds pretty drastic.
My dad is definitely suffering but also a huge part of the problem in my eyes. He is addicted to ministry and constantly puts it before everything in his life. Which is why the church has gotten to such an unhealthy place.
My counselor seems to think that because of the complex relationship I have with my parents that I need to be really careful with who I tell and how much they know. My dad means well but has been pretty manipulative through this whole thing and really made a lot of this my responsibility.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, if she has multiple DUIs (in the US) it's part of public record.
I think it's likely they know. Plus, alcohol doesn't metabolize out of the body all that quickly. If she's been in public within a day of drinking someone smelled it. If she has disappeared from worship, people already suspect something.
The shame and embarrassment, I get it. I'm so very glad to be living in the light now instead of that dark swamp created by alcohol. So sad, this is why Jesus came to save us.
Prayers for your family.
I think it's likely they know. Plus, alcohol doesn't metabolize out of the body all that quickly. If she's been in public within a day of drinking someone smelled it. If she has disappeared from worship, people already suspect something.
The shame and embarrassment, I get it. I'm so very glad to be living in the light now instead of that dark swamp created by alcohol. So sad, this is why Jesus came to save us.
Prayers for your family.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
trezat......Do I ever know what you are talking about....when you describe how much a minister's family guards their image!
My husband came from a long line of church families....his father and grandfather, before him...and two brothers who are ministers.....
(they wanted him to be a minister, also--but, he wanted absolutely nothing to do with it...lol).
I am going to send you a PM (private message)....Look for the blinking black box at the right hand, top of the page....and click on it, when it blinks.....
My husband came from a long line of church families....his father and grandfather, before him...and two brothers who are ministers.....
(they wanted him to be a minister, also--but, he wanted absolutely nothing to do with it...lol).
I am going to send you a PM (private message)....Look for the blinking black box at the right hand, top of the page....and click on it, when it blinks.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Trez - I understand how you feel. I used to keep the truth about my husband's drinking from his family, my family, our neighbors, etc. to protect him (I thought). In retrospect, I see myself as complicit in the progression of his alcoholism. I don't see it as my fault, but as his loving partner, the way I handled my role in the relationship - helping him with his secrets - was detrimental to both of us.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Have you thought about seeking Celebrate Recovery for yourself? Similar to Alanon, however more of a spiritual base. I feel it truly helped me get through some of my darkest times. And your counselor seems to be wise. I agree with gray rocking them.
It seems that until your mom decides she truly wants to recovery, she won't. Maybe she needs therapy herself, that seems quite likely. However, you cannot make or love someone into recovery.
I don't think it's necessary to explain to anyone why you are leaving. Just say it's a personal choice and leave it at that. I also don't agree with making up lies to cover for an addict. That's toxic.
Sending you huge hugs. I am very sorry you are going through this.
It seems that until your mom decides she truly wants to recovery, she won't. Maybe she needs therapy herself, that seems quite likely. However, you cannot make or love someone into recovery.
I don't think it's necessary to explain to anyone why you are leaving. Just say it's a personal choice and leave it at that. I also don't agree with making up lies to cover for an addict. That's toxic.
Sending you huge hugs. I am very sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 141
So very sorry that you are in this very dysfunctional alcoholic-in-the-family situation.
And, yes, your situation is TRULY COMPLICATED!
I think you are doing the right thing, by taking care of yourself and your own, immediate family. It sounds like you have a very wise counselor.
You and your family are in my prayers!!!
p.s.
There are many very wise and caring people in this F&F forum. I hope you will continue to come back and post, and read and learn more about this family disease called Alcoholism.
I too, am sending you some hugs.
And, yes, your situation is TRULY COMPLICATED!
I think you are doing the right thing, by taking care of yourself and your own, immediate family. It sounds like you have a very wise counselor.
You and your family are in my prayers!!!
p.s.
There are many very wise and caring people in this F&F forum. I hope you will continue to come back and post, and read and learn more about this family disease called Alcoholism.
I too, am sending you some hugs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Getting disentangled from this situation will no doubt benefit your own family
who have, I expect, been paying a large price to keep the silence and appearances going for your parent's sake.
It sounds like your parents have hard work and communication to do to fix their situation--
another way to "frame" this is that you are respecting them both
as adult enough to step back and to deal with the self-created situation,
and not abandoning them in any way.
Meanwhile, what else can you do for you and your family to heal from this?
Do you have another church in mind, and / or additional family therapy to process what
has been and will be a tough road.
who have, I expect, been paying a large price to keep the silence and appearances going for your parent's sake.
It sounds like your parents have hard work and communication to do to fix their situation--
another way to "frame" this is that you are respecting them both
as adult enough to step back and to deal with the self-created situation,
and not abandoning them in any way.
Meanwhile, what else can you do for you and your family to heal from this?
Do you have another church in mind, and / or additional family therapy to process what
has been and will be a tough road.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Well, if she has multiple DUIs (in the US) it's part of public record.
I think it's likely they know. Plus, alcohol doesn't metabolize out of the body all that quickly. If she's been in public within a day of drinking someone smelled it. If she has disappeared from worship, people already suspect something.
The shame and embarrassment, I get it. I'm so very glad to be living in the light now instead of that dark swamp created by alcohol. So sad, this is why Jesus came to save us.
Prayers for your family.
I think it's likely they know. Plus, alcohol doesn't metabolize out of the body all that quickly. If she's been in public within a day of drinking someone smelled it. If she has disappeared from worship, people already suspect something.
The shame and embarrassment, I get it. I'm so very glad to be living in the light now instead of that dark swamp created by alcohol. So sad, this is why Jesus came to save us.
Prayers for your family.
Thanks for the prayers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Have you thought about seeking Celebrate Recovery for yourself? Similar to Alanon, however more of a spiritual base. I feel it truly helped me get through some of my darkest times. And your counselor seems to be wise. I agree with gray rocking them.
It seems that until your mom decides she truly wants to recovery, she won't. Maybe she needs therapy herself, that seems quite likely. However, you cannot make or love someone into recovery.
I don't think it's necessary to explain to anyone why you are leaving. Just say it's a personal choice and leave it at that. I also don't agree with making up lies to cover for an addict. That's toxic.
Sending you huge hugs. I am very sorry you are going through this.
It seems that until your mom decides she truly wants to recovery, she won't. Maybe she needs therapy herself, that seems quite likely. However, you cannot make or love someone into recovery.
I don't think it's necessary to explain to anyone why you are leaving. Just say it's a personal choice and leave it at that. I also don't agree with making up lies to cover for an addict. That's toxic.
Sending you huge hugs. I am very sorry you are going through this.
She definitely needs therapy and claims she is starting it soon, but we will see. I honestly think she needs more than therapy since it seems she is abusing prescriptions but no one knows what or how much since she is alone for so much of the day.
I have definitely thought about going to AA meetings myself to just sit and talk and listen. But for now, I'm going to therapy and it's been pretty wonderful and eye opening. That's really the only reason I was able to see why I was becoming depressed and the role my parents were playing in it.
It will definitely be a long journey, but I am happy to finally be taking control of my side of the equation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by AlcSis
So very sorry that you are in this very dysfunctional alcoholic-in-the-family situation.
And, yes, your situation is TRULY COMPLICATED!
I think you are doing the right thing, by taking care of yourself and your own, immediate family. It sounds like you have a very wise counselor.
You and your family are in my prayers!!!
p.s.
There are many very wise and caring people in this F&F forum. I hope you will continue to come back and post, and read and learn more about this family disease called Alcoholism.
I too, am sending you some hugs.
And, yes, your situation is TRULY COMPLICATED!
I think you are doing the right thing, by taking care of yourself and your own, immediate family. It sounds like you have a very wise counselor.
You and your family are in my prayers!!!
p.s.
There are many very wise and caring people in this F&F forum. I hope you will continue to come back and post, and read and learn more about this family disease called Alcoholism.
I too, am sending you some hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 9
Update:
This week has been hell, but I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Today is the first day in a week that my mom hasn't incessantly messaged/called me all day either on drugs or drinking. Her messages were all heartbreaking...asking why I hate her, trying to offer me money for things, saying how much she misses her grandkids while sobbing...just torture! I know I can't help her, but I have definitely felt like I have been making it worse. My counselor just keeps telling me to hold firm in my "gray rock" method (keeping the responses short and bland, still kind) because my mom HAS to have her crisis for anything to change. Me involving myself in ANY way is only going to prolong it.
My dad did message me and basically tell me that because of our meeting (when we told them we were leaving the church), we have undone all of the work he had done with my mom to get her to a good place. It was really hurtful and ridiculous. It also showed how clueless he really is to how bad the situation has gotten. She just doesn't really talk to him very much, but instead was dumping everything on me constantly and only sober 50% of the time. After I replied to him pretty matter-of-factly in defense of our decision, he then replied with a more tender approach and said he was sorry for being complicit and not realizing how hard this has been for me. Sad thing is, I don't know if he's actually telling the truth or just hoping that I change my mind about everything.
My mom says she has a counselor now and I'm praying that's true. But until we know for sure, we are still keeping them at arms length.
We have no idea what to do about Christmas or how to tell our kids about how this decision affects everything (the distance from my parents and no more church where they have so many friends).
I have cried more tears over this than I have in a very long time. It's so hard, even though I know it's so necessary. Watching my mom fall apart from a distance with no one to help is just heart wrenching. I am trying my hardest to hold on to hope that things can eventually get better.
This week has been hell, but I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Today is the first day in a week that my mom hasn't incessantly messaged/called me all day either on drugs or drinking. Her messages were all heartbreaking...asking why I hate her, trying to offer me money for things, saying how much she misses her grandkids while sobbing...just torture! I know I can't help her, but I have definitely felt like I have been making it worse. My counselor just keeps telling me to hold firm in my "gray rock" method (keeping the responses short and bland, still kind) because my mom HAS to have her crisis for anything to change. Me involving myself in ANY way is only going to prolong it.
My dad did message me and basically tell me that because of our meeting (when we told them we were leaving the church), we have undone all of the work he had done with my mom to get her to a good place. It was really hurtful and ridiculous. It also showed how clueless he really is to how bad the situation has gotten. She just doesn't really talk to him very much, but instead was dumping everything on me constantly and only sober 50% of the time. After I replied to him pretty matter-of-factly in defense of our decision, he then replied with a more tender approach and said he was sorry for being complicit and not realizing how hard this has been for me. Sad thing is, I don't know if he's actually telling the truth or just hoping that I change my mind about everything.
My mom says she has a counselor now and I'm praying that's true. But until we know for sure, we are still keeping them at arms length.
We have no idea what to do about Christmas or how to tell our kids about how this decision affects everything (the distance from my parents and no more church where they have so many friends).
I have cried more tears over this than I have in a very long time. It's so hard, even though I know it's so necessary. Watching my mom fall apart from a distance with no one to help is just heart wrenching. I am trying my hardest to hold on to hope that things can eventually get better.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
trezat...d id you receive the PM (private message) that I mentioned in my above post?
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