Ups and downs of newly sober boyfriend
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 15
Ups and downs of newly sober boyfriend
Hello all ,
So my boyfriend and I have been together almost six years - we are now living in separate cities as he is working on his recovery. He came into the city two weekends ago for a wedding we both attended and it was the best night we've had with each other in a very long time , he stayed over and I went to work the next day. I came home after four hours to find him intoxicated. ( im still processing this)
We didn't really talk about it too much and I kind of left it alone and it seems like it was a bit forgotten about.
I saw him last weekend and had a really great time . He's been really kind and respectful, present and receptive recently and it's been so nice . When I do see him I find his little outbursts of anger and frustration so ridiculous to the point where I can't even be in the same room as him.
Now currently he's in this weird angry mood where he doesn't want to talk etc he's now getting a place of his own because he wants to do something on his own for the first time
One minute were so good and everything is fine then next he hardly even speaks to me...
I have definitely distanced my self and I went to my first alanon meeting two days ago. I definitely feel like I'm getting into my own routine! Im feeling more like my self and really not so focused on him. I'm enjoying friends and family and work a lot more now.
I guess my biggest question is do I hold him accountable for this weird and angry behaviour, ie when he says things that are hurtful? Or do you just let it go and excuse it as "he's just trying to get sober" this isn't the first time he has gone and shut me out.
I'm almost at the point now where I don't want to deal with all this up and down and I honestly feel like it would be better just to call it all off so I can stop holding on to this like uncertain future . Im tried of him being angry with me and irritated . I've done noting but give him the space that he needs and the support when he asked etc
Kinda lost , kinda mad , kinda over all of it ...
So my boyfriend and I have been together almost six years - we are now living in separate cities as he is working on his recovery. He came into the city two weekends ago for a wedding we both attended and it was the best night we've had with each other in a very long time , he stayed over and I went to work the next day. I came home after four hours to find him intoxicated. ( im still processing this)
We didn't really talk about it too much and I kind of left it alone and it seems like it was a bit forgotten about.
I saw him last weekend and had a really great time . He's been really kind and respectful, present and receptive recently and it's been so nice . When I do see him I find his little outbursts of anger and frustration so ridiculous to the point where I can't even be in the same room as him.
Now currently he's in this weird angry mood where he doesn't want to talk etc he's now getting a place of his own because he wants to do something on his own for the first time
One minute were so good and everything is fine then next he hardly even speaks to me...
I have definitely distanced my self and I went to my first alanon meeting two days ago. I definitely feel like I'm getting into my own routine! Im feeling more like my self and really not so focused on him. I'm enjoying friends and family and work a lot more now.
I guess my biggest question is do I hold him accountable for this weird and angry behaviour, ie when he says things that are hurtful? Or do you just let it go and excuse it as "he's just trying to get sober" this isn't the first time he has gone and shut me out.
I'm almost at the point now where I don't want to deal with all this up and down and I honestly feel like it would be better just to call it all off so I can stop holding on to this like uncertain future . Im tried of him being angry with me and irritated . I've done noting but give him the space that he needs and the support when he asked etc
Kinda lost , kinda mad , kinda over all of it ...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
He's mentally confused. He's confused about all directions of his life at this time Him,you,LIFE and all that goes with it. I was a mess for a few months when I got sober. I was lost in all aspects of everything. I felt crazy as hell! I'm not excusing his behavior or mine,at all.. I projected a lot,if not most of my feelings(INSECURITIES) onto others that were 'close' to me. Up to you about how much you want to 'deal' with,but it will be a ride for a while.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I hold my husband accountable. My husband probably never learned the proper way to deal with differences. He was raised in an alcoholic household. The other day he called me weirdo. I stated the conversion is over I will not talk to you if you call me names. I left the room. He can grumble and pout but he will not call me or my ideas names.
There will be alot of up and downs as it will be a new way of life. It is not easy to decide to stay either. Especially since mine is not in a program just not drinking. If he wants to drink he will and if he wants to be angry he will. I need to stand up for my standards of life.
There will be alot of up and downs as it will be a new way of life. It is not easy to decide to stay either. Especially since mine is not in a program just not drinking. If he wants to drink he will and if he wants to be angry he will. I need to stand up for my standards of life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, M0n3t.
Welcome to SR.
I would not let hurtful words go in the name of trying to get sober.
His behavior sounds to me that he is still drinking.
Could be he is trying not to drink when you are together, so is white knuckling it, and that could be the cause of his anger.
As Mindful said, not sure how much recovery is actually happening.
Back to my first statement.
Hurtful words and behavior, to me, is never acceptable.
Don’t know how you draw your boundaries on that.
That’s really up to you.
Myself, I would think long and hard about where, if anywhere, this relationship is going, and whether it’s one I would want to stay in.
Peace.
Welcome to SR.
I would not let hurtful words go in the name of trying to get sober.
His behavior sounds to me that he is still drinking.
Could be he is trying not to drink when you are together, so is white knuckling it, and that could be the cause of his anger.
As Mindful said, not sure how much recovery is actually happening.
Back to my first statement.
Hurtful words and behavior, to me, is never acceptable.
Don’t know how you draw your boundaries on that.
That’s really up to you.
Myself, I would think long and hard about where, if anywhere, this relationship is going, and whether it’s one I would want to stay in.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i think you answered this question:
I guess my biggest question is do I hold him accountable for this weird and angry behaviour, ie when he says things that are hurtful?
with this:
I'm almost at the point now where I don't want to deal with all this up and down and I honestly feel like it would be better just to call it all off so I can stop holding on to this like uncertain future . Im tried of him being angry with me and irritated
I guess my biggest question is do I hold him accountable for this weird and angry behaviour, ie when he says things that are hurtful?
with this:
I'm almost at the point now where I don't want to deal with all this up and down and I honestly feel like it would be better just to call it all off so I can stop holding on to this like uncertain future . Im tried of him being angry with me and irritated
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
Tomsteve nailed it. Kick this guy to the curb. Recovery? yeah right, you go to work and he is drunk when you got home. you had a perfect time together and he drinks. see you cannot help, no matter how great you get along, how perfect, it is the drinking- which he is still doing that is destroying everything around it.
move on
move on
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
6 months? Only 6 months of dating and all of this drama, oh boy!!! I’m sorry but if you are just beginning to date someone and yes I think 6 months is still in the just beginning to date period and all of these giant red flags are waving at you then yes it’s time to end the madness and save yourself any further heartache.
It sounds like the typical ups and down’s of addiction, he acts nice and orderly when he’s got booze in him and nasty mean when he doesn’t. I agree, if he was drunk 2 weeks ago he’s not in recovery.
Unacceptable behavior is always unacceptable; being drunk is never an excuse to abuse other people.
It sounds like the typical ups and down’s of addiction, he acts nice and orderly when he’s got booze in him and nasty mean when he doesn’t. I agree, if he was drunk 2 weeks ago he’s not in recovery.
Unacceptable behavior is always unacceptable; being drunk is never an excuse to abuse other people.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm almost at the point now where I don't want to deal with all this up and down and I honestly feel like it would be better just to call it all off so I can stop holding on to this like uncertain future .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by atalose 
6 months? Only 6 months of dating and all of this drama, oh boy!!! I’m sorry but if you are just beginning to date someone and yes I think 6 months is still in the just beginning to date period and all of these giant red flags are waving at you then yes it’s time to end the madness and save yourself any further heartache.
It sounds like the typical ups and down’s of addiction, he acts nice and orderly when he’s got booze in him and nasty mean when he doesn’t. I agree, if he was drunk 2 weeks ago he’s not in recovery.
Unacceptable behavior is always unacceptable; being drunk is never an excuse to abuse other people.
It sounds like the typical ups and down’s of addiction, he acts nice and orderly when he’s got booze in him and nasty mean when he doesn’t. I agree, if he was drunk 2 weeks ago he’s not in recovery.
Unacceptable behavior is always unacceptable; being drunk is never an excuse to abuse other people.
I almost feel as long as we are in contact I won’t truly be able to “look after my self “
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Well, your last sentence seems to have a lot of truth in it.
Time to step away?
Six years is a long time, I know.
But how much more time do you want to spend putting another’s needs before yours?
Life is too short.
We all deserve a partner who loves us, is respectful to us, and is emotionally present in the relationship.
Time to step away?
Six years is a long time, I know.
But how much more time do you want to spend putting another’s needs before yours?
Life is too short.
We all deserve a partner who loves us, is respectful to us, and is emotionally present in the relationship.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
You have good instincts. He may have had a short sober period but then he drank and you can't say for now he's sober at all. Let him go; if he stays sober for a year with a solid program then perhaps reconsider. You need to take care of yourself and for that I recommend Alanon, which was a life-saver for me. A big hug.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Well, your last sentence seems to have a lot of truth in it.
Time to step away?
Six years is a long time, I know.
But how much more time do you want to spend putting another’s needs before yours?
Life is too short.
We all deserve a partner who loves us, is respectful to us, and is emotionally present in the relationship.
Time to step away?
Six years is a long time, I know.
But how much more time do you want to spend putting another’s needs before yours?
Life is too short.
We all deserve a partner who loves us, is respectful to us, and is emotionally present in the relationship.
Thank you for that. It’s hard when it’s been so long I forget it’s not the only option sometimes
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I almost feel as long as we are in contact I won’t truly be able to “look after my self “
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Hi, M0n3t.
Welcome to SR.
I would not let hurtful words go in the name of trying to get sober.
His behavior sounds to me that he is still drinking.
Could be he is trying not to drink when you are together, so is white knuckling it, and that could be the cause of his anger.
As Mindful said, not sure how much recovery is actually happening.
Back to my first statement.
Hurtful words and behavior, to me, is never acceptable.
Don’t know how you draw your boundaries on that.
That’s really up to you.
Myself, I would think long and hard about where, if anywhere, this relationship is going, and whether it’s one I would want to stay in.
Peace.
Welcome to SR.
I would not let hurtful words go in the name of trying to get sober.
His behavior sounds to me that he is still drinking.
Could be he is trying not to drink when you are together, so is white knuckling it, and that could be the cause of his anger.
As Mindful said, not sure how much recovery is actually happening.
Back to my first statement.
Hurtful words and behavior, to me, is never acceptable.
Don’t know how you draw your boundaries on that.
That’s really up to you.
Myself, I would think long and hard about where, if anywhere, this relationship is going, and whether it’s one I would want to stay in.
Peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Well, your last sentence seems to have a lot of truth in it.
Time to step away?
Six years is a long time, I know.
But how much more time do you want to spend putting another’s needs before yours?
Life is too short.
We all deserve a partner who loves us, is respectful to us, and is emotionally present in the relationship.
Time to step away?
Six years is a long time, I know.
But how much more time do you want to spend putting another’s needs before yours?
Life is too short.
We all deserve a partner who loves us, is respectful to us, and is emotionally present in the relationship.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by atalose
Listen to that inner voice! Your instincts are your internal guide, they will never fail you. Your heart is your fantasy guide, most often not in reality more of a magical wonderful future.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Thank you so much for the reply - I think the only way I can look after my self is to let him go . It’s a hard thing to wrap your head around
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
My sponsor puts it this way: "let go or be dragged". I learned the hard way how true this is.
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