Daughter is living with functioning alcoholic - he is going to propose
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Join Date: Dec 2017
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Daughter is living with functioning alcoholic - he is going to propose
My daughter is living with a functional alcoholic. She is in denial and overlooking his addiction. I'm concerned that she will marry him. I want to tell her to run as fast as she can and not marry him but I'm afraid I will ruin our relationship in doing so. No one else will talk to her about this either. I'm her mother ... I should tell her. She is 26, everyone says to let her make her own mistakes, that she will not listen and marry him anyway. I read such terrible stories from people that have endured relationships with alcoholics, I don't want this for her. Should I stay silent and pretend I'm happy for her when she becomes engaged and pay for a wedding that I know is doomed. Any of you that are married to alcoholics, if someone told you not to marry them would you have listened? I appreciate your feedback.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I was married to a guy that was nothing but trouble. I wouldn't have listened, but I wouldn't have asked my parents to pay for a wedding at age 26, either - especially if I had been living with him.
I think you have the moral responsibility to say something about what you see, though. And then drop it. She is the one who sees him day in and day out, I'm sure she knows.
I think you have the moral responsibility to say something about what you see, though. And then drop it. She is the one who sees him day in and day out, I'm sure she knows.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi and welcome, meowmy 
You posted in our chat admin forum, so I moved your thread here for more response.
I think people are probably right in that she going to make up her own mind about this, but I also think you absolutely have a right to voice your concerns - but only you can know if it might spoil the relationship you have with your daughter.
It may not end in marriage anyway - as Bim says I'm sure there are warning signs already.
It's a tough situation, but I know you'll find support here,
D
You posted in our chat admin forum, so I moved your thread here for more response.
I think people are probably right in that she going to make up her own mind about this, but I also think you absolutely have a right to voice your concerns - but only you can know if it might spoil the relationship you have with your daughter.
It may not end in marriage anyway - as Bim says I'm sure there are warning signs already.
It's a tough situation, but I know you'll find support here,
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, meowmy
Welcome to SR.
I think it is worth speaking to her.
You can express your concern about his drinking, which, presumably you have observed?
I would do it in as caring a way as I could, then drop it.
I don’t know your daughter so can’t speak to her reaction.
But...you just might be expressing out loud what she has observed, and maybe this will open the door to making some changes.
Or she might get defensive and angry.
Can’t know til you try.
Life with an alcoholic is one of the toughest things there is, but she is young enough to think she can change him, or is very invested in a wedding, as sometimes young women are.
Peace and good luck.
Welcome to SR.
I think it is worth speaking to her.
You can express your concern about his drinking, which, presumably you have observed?
I would do it in as caring a way as I could, then drop it.
I don’t know your daughter so can’t speak to her reaction.
But...you just might be expressing out loud what she has observed, and maybe this will open the door to making some changes.
Or she might get defensive and angry.
Can’t know til you try.
Life with an alcoholic is one of the toughest things there is, but she is young enough to think she can change him, or is very invested in a wedding, as sometimes young women are.
Peace and good luck.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Meow....Wow...this is a really...really, tough position for a mother to be in.
I have three adult children. There have been times when I had to tell them the straight, unadulterated truth, as I see it.
(I have a point of view that all might not agree with...lol...so, I am giving you this disclamer, up front)
By telling them the truth...it won't make you popular. However, popularity is not something that a parent should aim for. Yes, we love our children and we want them to love us back...so--do not worry about that...In spite of all the skirmishes and disagreements that we can have with our children...in the long run, if they loved us at 6yrs., they will love us, down deep, no matter what happens. Now, I caution you--it will be down deep where they won't let you see it...lol.....
Now...this is me--and, I can only tell you what I would do, in your shoes .
Absolutely, NO WAY would I pay for a wedding. I feel very strongly that if a child is ready to get married, they should be able and ready to pay for it. The age of dowries is over (in my view).
It is their marriage and it is their (both of them) responsibility to pay and provide for it.
Even though I would certainly talk to her (nicely) and let her know that you feel that she is making an unwise choice....I would attend the wedding if you are invited. And, I would buy her a nice wedding present, and be as civil as humanly possible. This is if she goes through with a wedding.
It may be that she has an element of daydreams about a fairytale, princess type of ceremony. Too much emphasis on the wedding and not enough emphasis on the actual marriage, going forward...in my opinion.
If it were me..I would tell her that if the marriage makes it, successfully, for 5yrs., that I would give her a beautiful affair to re-new the vows (including a beautiful dress).
I, also, would talk to her...woman to woman...about avoiding pregnancy....which is probably the biggest irreversible trap that she can fall into--if she marries a practicing alcoholic.
I think it is important to be clear and kind about what you say to her. But, I believe that a m other is a role model...and, while, she may well ignore everything that you say...she will remember them when the time ever comes.
LOL...think of your "mothering" at this time, in her life, like that of a very high-level and wise consultant. Because that is really, what it amounts to.
Say, she does get married, and comes to you with some marital unhappiness...related to alcoholism....I don't advise that you try to play counselor to her, very much...I would be prepared to direct her to alanon and an individual therapist of her own....
Part of maturing is to learn to take responsibility of one's own actions and facing the consequences...be they good or bad.....
I really don't envy your position at all....it is tough, I know. But, if you stay honest and calm...and have very clear boundaries about what you will and what you will not do...you will get through this. I promise.
On more word of caution...DO NOT let her put a guilt trip on you or force you to feel obligated beyond what you want to do. This is her life,,,and, she should be the one handling it.....
I have three adult children. There have been times when I had to tell them the straight, unadulterated truth, as I see it.
(I have a point of view that all might not agree with...lol...so, I am giving you this disclamer, up front)
By telling them the truth...it won't make you popular. However, popularity is not something that a parent should aim for. Yes, we love our children and we want them to love us back...so--do not worry about that...In spite of all the skirmishes and disagreements that we can have with our children...in the long run, if they loved us at 6yrs., they will love us, down deep, no matter what happens. Now, I caution you--it will be down deep where they won't let you see it...lol.....
Now...this is me--and, I can only tell you what I would do, in your shoes .
Absolutely, NO WAY would I pay for a wedding. I feel very strongly that if a child is ready to get married, they should be able and ready to pay for it. The age of dowries is over (in my view).
It is their marriage and it is their (both of them) responsibility to pay and provide for it.
Even though I would certainly talk to her (nicely) and let her know that you feel that she is making an unwise choice....I would attend the wedding if you are invited. And, I would buy her a nice wedding present, and be as civil as humanly possible. This is if she goes through with a wedding.
It may be that she has an element of daydreams about a fairytale, princess type of ceremony. Too much emphasis on the wedding and not enough emphasis on the actual marriage, going forward...in my opinion.
If it were me..I would tell her that if the marriage makes it, successfully, for 5yrs., that I would give her a beautiful affair to re-new the vows (including a beautiful dress).
I, also, would talk to her...woman to woman...about avoiding pregnancy....which is probably the biggest irreversible trap that she can fall into--if she marries a practicing alcoholic.
I think it is important to be clear and kind about what you say to her. But, I believe that a m other is a role model...and, while, she may well ignore everything that you say...she will remember them when the time ever comes.
LOL...think of your "mothering" at this time, in her life, like that of a very high-level and wise consultant. Because that is really, what it amounts to.
Say, she does get married, and comes to you with some marital unhappiness...related to alcoholism....I don't advise that you try to play counselor to her, very much...I would be prepared to direct her to alanon and an individual therapist of her own....
Part of maturing is to learn to take responsibility of one's own actions and facing the consequences...be they good or bad.....
I really don't envy your position at all....it is tough, I know. But, if you stay honest and calm...and have very clear boundaries about what you will and what you will not do...you will get through this. I promise.
On more word of caution...DO NOT let her put a guilt trip on you or force you to feel obligated beyond what you want to do. This is her life,,,and, she should be the one handling it.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 690
Maybe you could approach the subject in a non threatening way. LIke say to her ...do you think "Jim" drinks too much? Just do it in a non threatening way. That way hopefully she will not get defensive, At 26 she is an adult and will make her own decisions. As a mother of a daughter married to an alcoholic my heart breaks for you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
A few years ago I was dating an addict. My parents warned me about him and I didn't listen. I thought they were just being judgmental. My parents are very controlling and have never been afraid to make their opinions known. Marriage wasn't really on the table for us BC he knew my parents hated him (Refused to even meet him) and toward the end of our relationship we were dating in secret. It didn't stop me from dating him tho.
He ended up getting arrested and I was heart broken like completely devastated. I had always been an alcoholic but after that I ended up using opiates. Fast forward to almost 3 years ago now, he got out of prison and got in contact with me and we ended up hooking up. Ended up relapsing on heroin and overdosing. I'm clean now tho and I don't talk to him anymore (he's actually doing pretty well now tho)
Anyway sorry to ramble. But my point is despite all my parents warnings and despite getting hurt the first time I still ended up going back for more. So yes in the end we DO have to make our own mistakes. And love can make us blind.
My parents couldn't make me stop dating him. But they did make me question marrying him and out strain on our relationship and deep down somwhere I knew they were right. So I say share your concerns and don't really pretend to be supportive of her relationship but also don't expect her to to listen or change anything.
He ended up getting arrested and I was heart broken like completely devastated. I had always been an alcoholic but after that I ended up using opiates. Fast forward to almost 3 years ago now, he got out of prison and got in contact with me and we ended up hooking up. Ended up relapsing on heroin and overdosing. I'm clean now tho and I don't talk to him anymore (he's actually doing pretty well now tho)
Anyway sorry to ramble. But my point is despite all my parents warnings and despite getting hurt the first time I still ended up going back for more. So yes in the end we DO have to make our own mistakes. And love can make us blind.
My parents couldn't make me stop dating him. But they did make me question marrying him and out strain on our relationship and deep down somwhere I knew they were right. So I say share your concerns and don't really pretend to be supportive of her relationship but also don't expect her to to listen or change anything.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi M, I'm sorry you have this dilemma. I think you should prepare for the fact that she probably won't listen to advice and it could drive her away from you. When you're being pushed, you push back, and being in love will magnify that.
A friend of mine whose sons often brought home difficult girlfriends had a policy of just accepting them whatever she thought. I followed advice this with my future DIL and I'm glad I did. She had a drug habit, a daughter, came from a family of semi-criminals, and had many opinions I didn't agree with, but I have no doubt I would have lost my son if I'd been hostile. Today she's been clean for many years, is a fabulous mother, a brilliant wife and one of my best friends, and they are very much in love 7 years after they wed.
My suggestion is to accept your future SIL and get to know him, then if his drinking problems continue your daughter will be free to come to you for advice and help. This wouldn't be my suggestion if I thought you could do any good by advising her not to marry him, but it may just push her the other way.
A friend of mine whose sons often brought home difficult girlfriends had a policy of just accepting them whatever she thought. I followed advice this with my future DIL and I'm glad I did. She had a drug habit, a daughter, came from a family of semi-criminals, and had many opinions I didn't agree with, but I have no doubt I would have lost my son if I'd been hostile. Today she's been clean for many years, is a fabulous mother, a brilliant wife and one of my best friends, and they are very much in love 7 years after they wed.
My suggestion is to accept your future SIL and get to know him, then if his drinking problems continue your daughter will be free to come to you for advice and help. This wouldn't be my suggestion if I thought you could do any good by advising her not to marry him, but it may just push her the other way.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Nothing obligates you to fund a wedding and reception, especially not in the 21st century.
I will tell you what a second-time bride told me once.
She was engaged to be married to her first husband. He friends and family kept telling her what a terrible decision she had made. He was a user, he was flirting with her friends. She told me, "Every time somebody told me what a loser he was, I was even more determined to prove them all wrong." She wondered (20/20 hindsight and all) if people had just not nagged her so, if she might have seen the light sooner. As it was, being defensive took up a lot of energy and time.
I will tell you what a second-time bride told me once.
She was engaged to be married to her first husband. He friends and family kept telling her what a terrible decision she had made. He was a user, he was flirting with her friends. She told me, "Every time somebody told me what a loser he was, I was even more determined to prove them all wrong." She wondered (20/20 hindsight and all) if people had just not nagged her so, if she might have seen the light sooner. As it was, being defensive took up a lot of energy and time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,469
What a tough position to be in. Great advice above. I'll explain my story as I was in a similar situation, not Alcohol but meth.
I was 19 when he proposed, I was so excited. He was 31.. Red flags, as an adult, I get it.
My mom had been over many times, he'd met my family and besides out age differences everyone seemed to like him, he was charming, manipulating, impulsive, cheater, lier, and so on. Well, everything was pretty normal until the proposal then the abuse started, the physical and mental. My mom stopped by when I had a black eye, I lied about it of course, he cold clocked me the day before rehearsal dinner, locked me outside in the dead of winter with shorts and a tank top on.
I couldn't tell anyone, I was scared. Scared to leave, scared to stay as I had no idea what he would do if I tried to leave him. So I stayed, as I was walking down the isle I was praying someone would stop this show, it never happened.
We got a hotel room that night, he was wasted and I wasn't 21 so I was sober. He had passed out, woke up the next morning and I was alone, he left me in the room alone. You'd think I would have been relieved, nope I was sad. What did I do wrong, why wasn't he here, it was our wedding, blah blah. I was a mental mess.he ended up going out with his father, and tole me he thought I'd even joy running myself a hot bath and being alone. Yes, I should have ran far far away.
The point of my story, we all can put a mask on made up of any emotion for outsiders to see.
If you feel she is in danger, do anything you can to get her away.
If she isn't in any danger physically or mentally, this will probably be a life lesson she'll have to experience on her own. As far as you paying for it, ummm, I'd personally limit that dollar figure.
This could turn out well for them, he could change, this could be her last wedding, make sure her dress and hair is amazing!!!
My son is crawling all over me so I had to shorten this.
I was 19 when he proposed, I was so excited. He was 31.. Red flags, as an adult, I get it.
My mom had been over many times, he'd met my family and besides out age differences everyone seemed to like him, he was charming, manipulating, impulsive, cheater, lier, and so on. Well, everything was pretty normal until the proposal then the abuse started, the physical and mental. My mom stopped by when I had a black eye, I lied about it of course, he cold clocked me the day before rehearsal dinner, locked me outside in the dead of winter with shorts and a tank top on.
I couldn't tell anyone, I was scared. Scared to leave, scared to stay as I had no idea what he would do if I tried to leave him. So I stayed, as I was walking down the isle I was praying someone would stop this show, it never happened.
We got a hotel room that night, he was wasted and I wasn't 21 so I was sober. He had passed out, woke up the next morning and I was alone, he left me in the room alone. You'd think I would have been relieved, nope I was sad. What did I do wrong, why wasn't he here, it was our wedding, blah blah. I was a mental mess.he ended up going out with his father, and tole me he thought I'd even joy running myself a hot bath and being alone. Yes, I should have ran far far away.
The point of my story, we all can put a mask on made up of any emotion for outsiders to see.
If you feel she is in danger, do anything you can to get her away.
If she isn't in any danger physically or mentally, this will probably be a life lesson she'll have to experience on her own. As far as you paying for it, ummm, I'd personally limit that dollar figure.
This could turn out well for them, he could change, this could be her last wedding, make sure her dress and hair is amazing!!!
My son is crawling all over me so I had to shorten this.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Well, you might try this?
“You’re a smart woman and you’re going to make your own decisions. I’m going to say this now, once, and never mention it again unless you bring it up...I’m deeply concerned his drinking will get worse. As a favor to me, I’m asking you to spend ten minutes reading this link (insert link to Friends And Family of Alcoholics here).
I love you and want only good things for your life. I will support whatever decisions you make.”
If she does read here, at least she will have the information. What she does with it is her choice, yes?
You’re a good mom. Sending you a hug.
“You’re a smart woman and you’re going to make your own decisions. I’m going to say this now, once, and never mention it again unless you bring it up...I’m deeply concerned his drinking will get worse. As a favor to me, I’m asking you to spend ten minutes reading this link (insert link to Friends And Family of Alcoholics here).
I love you and want only good things for your life. I will support whatever decisions you make.”
If she does read here, at least she will have the information. What she does with it is her choice, yes?
You’re a good mom. Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
I probably would not have listened if my parents said anything...but it would have been nice for them to at least voice their opinions .... To know they were on my side or at least planted the seed of awareness - that would have been extremely helpful.
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