ScaryTime

I went to my very first Al Anon meeting this morning. I am very encouraged and really feel that this group will help me! Thanks to this site for the repeated mentions of the importance of getting into an Al Anon program! I will most definitely be going back. I kept crying though and felt kinda silly about that but was repeatedly assured that it was ok and very normal. The topic for this meeting was “defensiveness”. Oh boy can I talk about that!
Everyone was so welcoming and caring! I don’t know that I have ever been a part of anything like it before.
Other than when I attended an AA meeting with one of my best friends years ago - I went as her support. She is (at this point) a recovered alcoholic for 18 years! So proud of her!
I don’t know that I ever looked at myself as close as I have over the last three years. Can we say co-dependent? Ugh!
I just feel so stupid that I didn’t see the warning signs. I grew up in an alcoholic home and I keep thinking that I just basically repeated my mother’s life with all the cover ups and taking all the lies my AH told me as truth - all the time knowing he was lying to me...
And now my mother is an alcoholic as well as my father. I do not want that portion to repeat in me!
I have a lot of work to do and I am looking forward to actually feeling joy again.. it comes and goes but is so far in between...
For my online research course we have been assigned to write a 3000 word paper about decision making. I have deided to write mine on my experiences with alcoholism. My thesis is “the home environment in which there is substance abuse, impacts a child”s decision making ability throughout their whole life”. It still needs some polish but I am finding that it is very therapeutic for me to write this paper! Really making me look at myself and the decisions I have made at certain points in my life and whether those decisions were made because of what I knew - heaven forbid I go outside my comfort zone...
Sorry for the rambling... just feeling so many emotions today.
For the first time in years my AH made me laugh out loud today. He is putting up the Christmas lights outside and he wrapped them around himself and stood in the hallway and plugged them in! He looked ridiculous! Lol! He is sober and 20 days... I can’t help but remain skeptical...
keeping the faith and trying not to focus my healing on his actions.

Berrybean

Hey.

I'm so pleased the AlAnon meeting was useful.

I'm reading a great book at the moment about ACOA daughters of alcoholics. Its very enlightening. Might be worth a look.

Perfect Daughters: Adult Daughters of Alcoholics Parents by Robert Ackerman

The CoDa handbook is also very useful.

BB

dandylion

Scary Time....Yes, I know how hard it makes it.....when they do something that is so endearing! It is like..it slams our heart right back to the thought/wish..wish...wish that they would/could be like that all of the time!!

That is one reason that I think we need to work sooo hard in keeping the brain in charge of our heart during the very vulnerable times.
We have to remember that we can't just live on delicious little crumbs and false hope.....because that is what keeps us on that "roller coaster ride", that we are all so familiar with...lol....

ScaryTime

Perfect Daughters: Adult Daughters of Alcoholics Parents by Robert Ackerman
The CoDa handbook is also very useful.
Thank you Berrybean! I will for sure get these books! I am a huge reader - mostly fiction - has always been my means of escape from looking at my passed out AH or just tuning out his rants.
Thanks again!

ScaryTime

“That is one reason that I think we need to work sooo hard in keeping the brain in charge of our heart during the very vulnerable times.”
Right, I have let myself fall into that trap SO many times. My heart is broken...still trying to decide if I can heal and remain with him.
Or if I my marriage is broken beyond repair? I don’t know the answer to that. 😕

dandylion

Scary Times....when I read some of the things that you have gone through (in the marriage)....I was thinking...."wow....that is a LOT of abuse to go through".......
In particular...cheating...repeatedly...is a deep seated issue and isn't just connected to alcoholism (although they can overlap)......

ScaryTime

I still am flip flopping do I leave or stay? At times I think he is trying so hard but is he just doing it so he doesn’t lose everything.
It didn’t get so bad that we lost everything but only because he didn’t have access really to the finances. I don’t know that he cheated on me...I suspect and he lies about everything else so....

dandylion

Scary Time....time will tell.....it always does.....(it did before, didn't it?)......

One thing to keep in mind....deep seated issues don't get addressed in a few days or weeks after putting down the bottle...although putting down the bottle is a necessary first step to anything....
It takes a longer time...like about a year or two to begin to do the kind of internal changes that lead to long term change. It is time consuming and it takes m o tivation and dedication to the program and therapy. Many alcoholics can white knuckle it for periods of time....but, unless they have dedicated t hemselves to change as their first priority...above ALL else...relapse is always just a drink away...

One must ask oneself, I think, if you have it in you to go another "round"...if things should go south, again....?
I know for me...I had to say that "this is enough"....I can't/won't go through this crap, again. I am tired, to the core...and, my children deserve a serene, happy mother....not one who is walking on eggshells or lies awake, at night, wondering when it is going to start all over, again......
Although my first husband cried, and begged for several weeks for me not to divorce him....I did...and, that was many, many years ago. He did the full court press...lol. I hear from the adult children and the grapevine of some mutual friends that he has not changed one molecule.....

That is my story....and, I know that not every situation is the same....but, looking back, I don't regret my decision one bit.

FeelingGreat

You don't have to decide right away. You already have some financial protections in place (congratulations) and I hope you can build up an emergency fund.
As for him trying hard, whatever his motivation time will tell whether he stays sober, and whether it's enough for you. You have no obligation to stay because he's sober ie he's trying = I must stick with him. But long term sobriety might bring back the man you loved.

honeypig

ST, I'm so glad you had such a good experience at your first Alanon meeting! It sometimes takes people several tries to find a good fit, and needless to say, since each group is independent, some groups are far more healthy and helpful than others.

The feeling of being among those who understand and accept you and your situation is such a huge relief, isn't it? And the crying thing--psssssht! You'd be abnormal if you DIDN'T cry, I think. I sure did. I think a lot of it for me was that I was finally in a place where it felt safe to do so.

For me, Alanon was not the entire answer, but it was definitely a big part. I'm glad it looks like it will be at least a part of your answer, too.