BAW81

Thank you! How are you getting through this?!

I keep ping ponging between emotions. I do not want him to have my son overnight, honestly I think he already gets too much time, and I want him to FAIL big time but then the guilt sets in about wanting him to fail. I feel so much guilt because I should want my son’s dad to be healthy and then I start to think “well maybe this will help him get straight” and after about 30 minutes I’m right back to the wanting him to fail and the cycle starts over.

Mango blast

(((((Hugs)))))

Time to do some serious self care. One day at a time. Be the healthiest ***you*** possible... and sometimes that means acknowledging and sitting with uncomfortable emotions. It also means enjoying life!

What can you do for yourself, in this moment?

One day at a time. Pray, have hope, keep your eyes open to signs of support for you and your son.

If it came right down to it and everyone... judge, lawyer, etc. say you need to allow an unsupervised visit and your gut instincts screamed "NO!!!" -- your gut, your Inner Knowing... not your fear, logic or brain -- would you be HEALTHY enough to TRUST yourself to make a good healthy choice for you and your son?

What would happen if you didn't comply? Knowledge is power. Keep praying. More will be revealed.

We don't become stronger by everything being easy.

KTF

dandylion

BAW...I don't think it is that you want him to fail...it is that you want your child to be safe!!!!
Try not to beat yourself up with the guilt.

BAW81

I couldn’t sleep all night....I just keep replaying what I could’ve done or my lawyer to avoid what actually happened....I can feel myself spinning.

dandylion

BAW....By chance, are there grandparents or relatives, on your husband's side who can spend the night with him and the son,,,or, at least, make some checks to make sure that everything is o.k.?

Westexy

BAW - I totally understand your reaction, your anxiety and your spinning. I agree with KTF above - you need to take some specific action to care for yourself right now. Continuing to think and rethink about what happened, how it could have been different, what you could have done, etc. isn't productive or healthy for you or your kid and if possible, you need to get out of your own head for a bit. Do you have a friend you can spend some time with doing something - anything - to take your mind off of what happened and what hasn't happened yet? Again, please know that I understand the anxiety that goes with this situation and I don't want to discount the fear that you have.

I also think the judge is testing your ex and is using Christmas Eve, one of the biggest parental carrots in existence, as the reward. If your ex is unwilling to pull it together for that, it will tell the judge a lot. And honestly, if he is able to pull it together that quickly, then it says something positive about his priorities. That's quite a heavy to do list the judge handed down though.

hopeful4

I would seriously doubt that he can do that.

Sending you huge hugs and prayers.

velma929

How does one *prove* one is attending AA?

BAW81

Unfortunately not, my STBXAH doesn’t even live here full time. He moved back across the country last January to where all of his family and (what’s left of his) friends are. His family also hasn’t even contacted me in over a year nor reached out to inquire about the well-being of our son. Knowing them, they’ve crafted a tale about me and that I’m the horrible one keeping him and them from my son.

His place here is only a few blocks away. I might insist a copy of his key which will make me feel better knowing I can get in should I need to....

biminiblue

One doesn't.

I went to a lot of AA meetings. I've also read a bajillion threads on the Alcoholism side (I'm in recovery.) The AA meetings part of this is the easiest part to "game." Judges know that, too.

BAW, One Day at a Time. You'll get through this.

BAW81

Thank you. I am going to plan a fun weekend of getting and decorating a tree with my son and also make sure to exercise today. I feel the dark cloud and immediate need to “fix” this and I know it’s not healthy...it’s just so hard not to do it since that has been my MO my whole life.

I am so grateful for the words of encouragement. I do have family and friends that I can talk to but I know that all of you truly understand where I’m coming from and your support and wisdom means the world to me.

BAW81

The judge said he has to provide proof via sign in sheets....is that not possible?

Challenger2013

He could forge signatures. Use fake names. Write in cursive. Use his non dominant writing hand. There are a thousand ways to fake a signature sheet.
And an experienced Judge will recognize the fakes. Hopefully.

biminiblue

The problem with sign-in sheets is that it's just a slip of paper signed by some random person with no way to contact them or question them. People bring the paper to AA meetings, have them signed by *anyone* and then leave without staying for the meeting and/or they can have it signed by the drunk next to them at a bar, or a friend, or etc. No way to prove they went. You don't show ID at AA meetings. The whole point is that they are anonymous. AA doesn't have accountability, it's like church. Totally voluntary, come and go as you please. Lots of meetings won't even sign them.

Not only that, AA recovery isn't about showing up to meetings anyway. The people who were court ordered who I saw were on their phone the whole meeting or reading a novel, or whatever. Judges hope it will be an honest attempt, but alcoholics are nothing if not clever when it comes to drinking. Not only that, you can drink and go to meetings. I think your best hope is the Soberlink.

BAW81

I know this too. Just because you go, doesn't mean you listen. This is why my anxiety is so high.

I love my son so much I could explode. He is so loving and joyful and happy and my STBXAH doesn't even deserve to be his father.

CentralOhioDad

This is the kind of crap that scares me about the whole process - I can't imagine not being able to see DS every day!!! Especially Christmas Eve? Uuugghh

BAW81

Yes. This is the jagged piece of glass that you swallow as a parent divorcing. The ultimate goal of the courts is for BOTH parents to have equal access to the child(ren).

This why it is extremely important for those in our shoes to all that we can to document the abuse and fight to protect our children.

Westexy

For those of you still in the relationship and facing divorce, I'm so sorry. I understand your fear about leaving small children with your XAW or H and your sadness at the prospect of not seeing your child every day. What helped me with the sadness part is focusing on what is truly best for my child instead of focusing on my own emotions - not disregarding my own emotions - just readjusting where my brain spends its time. What's best for my kid is having a close relationship with both of his parents if that is possible and safe, so that is what I work on facilitating. I don't save my XAH anymore, but if he is doing everything he's supposed to be doing, then I make time for him to see our son. It's better for our son if this works out. It can be hard for sure, but keeping the focus on creating the best possible life for my son helps me get through the hard times.

CentralOhioDad

I'm on the verge of a panic attack just thinking about it.

BAW81

I am going to print this out. I've been all over the place all day and this is a good reminder to NOT mix up my anger and resentment about everything with my child's relationship with his dad.

I'm going to do my best (gulp) to ask myself 1.) Is he safe? 2.) Is this good for him? If I can confidently answer them both yes then I will do my best (and probably vent here) to put my own emotions aside.

Thank you, Westexy.