Husband picking fights
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
2) son is hysterical at the thought of us splitting
Yeah. I stayed 20 years cos my son went hysterical at the idea of us splitting up. So did my older 7 kids. Now they don't speak to me cos I stayed. Kids do not know what is best for them. I have very little contact with 2 of my kids, 4 do not speak to me at all and I have a grandchild I have never seen who is 2 next month. My two adult sons living with me are scarred for life cos of my staying cos what you have to remember is the situation you have at this moment in time is as good as it gets and it will steadily get worse. Eventually your child will not remember he wanted you and his dad to stay together. He will only know he is miserable and you did not protect him. It's a hard pill to swallow and I have cried bitter tears over it but that is what I am left with. Please do not end up like me.
Yeah. I stayed 20 years cos my son went hysterical at the idea of us splitting up. So did my older 7 kids. Now they don't speak to me cos I stayed. Kids do not know what is best for them. I have very little contact with 2 of my kids, 4 do not speak to me at all and I have a grandchild I have never seen who is 2 next month. My two adult sons living with me are scarred for life cos of my staying cos what you have to remember is the situation you have at this moment in time is as good as it gets and it will steadily get worse. Eventually your child will not remember he wanted you and his dad to stay together. He will only know he is miserable and you did not protect him. It's a hard pill to swallow and I have cried bitter tears over it but that is what I am left with. Please do not end up like me.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Agree with Lady and others about not staying for the kids. My kids too were terrified of divorce, but when I moved out, they realized they could breathe. They are so much happier and they also see AH for what he is-- an alcoholic.
We are not divorced yet (but living separately), and my 12 yo daughter has now started asking me to divorce her dad. They both admit they love their dad, but only like seeing him "in small doses." Actually, when we were visiting family in another city, they wondered if they could move and only see dad on holidays.
My other comment is: I've noticed around here that alcoholic parents often don't make use of the custody time (i.e. they are too drunk or hungover to want to deal with their kids).
This sucks for the kids and also for the parent who maybe had made plans, but ends up working out for the better a lot of the time.
We are not divorced yet (but living separately), and my 12 yo daughter has now started asking me to divorce her dad. They both admit they love their dad, but only like seeing him "in small doses." Actually, when we were visiting family in another city, they wondered if they could move and only see dad on holidays.
My other comment is: I've noticed around here that alcoholic parents often don't make use of the custody time (i.e. they are too drunk or hungover to want to deal with their kids).
This sucks for the kids and also for the parent who maybe had made plans, but ends up working out for the better a lot of the time.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 116
Look...
So, to clarify, he's not beating or cheating, supports the family, is involved in transportation and some childcare (when I work). My complaint is that he's got narcissistic qualities that don't allow him to accept sufficient responsibility for his mistakes, which he can too easily blame them for, as they can be quite rude and verbally abusive to him. He drinks about 4 drinks a day, which is of course twice as much as what qualifies as "heavy drinking." When he drinks, he's annoying and tries to pick arguments. So, my kids and I hate the alcohol. But no one is being abused. I have told them about the three C's, and also that cussing him out for it won't help. I acknowledge to them that he drinks too much. There are complicated personal details involving my occupation that explain why I don't attend F2F. BUT I do participate virtually.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Thanks for the extra info. So just to make sure I have this right - he drinks every day and every day he picks arguments with you and the kids?
That sounds abusive to me.
How does that affect you? Are you comfortable with staying in this situation? Do you want leave? You, not the kids, not what your Mom says or your best friend, where do you want to be?
That's really all that matters. Consider yourself and your life, consider the children, that's it.
The fact that your children "cuss-out" their Father indicates there is huge dysfunction here, that's damage they will take in to adulthood unless they get help.
Just my thoughts on what you have stated.
That sounds abusive to me.
How does that affect you? Are you comfortable with staying in this situation? Do you want leave? You, not the kids, not what your Mom says or your best friend, where do you want to be?
That's really all that matters. Consider yourself and your life, consider the children, that's it.
The fact that your children "cuss-out" their Father indicates there is huge dysfunction here, that's damage they will take in to adulthood unless they get help.
Just my thoughts on what you have stated.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lunchbox.....it looks like you are in need of some legal advice about how to proceed.....with someone who is knowlegable about these kinds of situations.....
There are ways to protect the children through legal means....
I suggest that you make a confidential call to the local domestic abuse organizations....because they know about these th ings...and, ask for a referral to a lawyer that they are familiar with.....
I don't know how old your k ids are...but, this kind of tension and "fighting" with a parent will be internalized, with the kids, and the longer it goes on...the worse it will get....
You may want to get the kids into alakid, or alateen or counseling....
If you are stressed...imagine how it is for them.....they could carry the effects of this I nto their own adulthood and relationships....that is how this stuff becomes generational
There are ways to protect the children through legal means....
I suggest that you make a confidential call to the local domestic abuse organizations....because they know about these th ings...and, ask for a referral to a lawyer that they are familiar with.....
I don't know how old your k ids are...but, this kind of tension and "fighting" with a parent will be internalized, with the kids, and the longer it goes on...the worse it will get....
You may want to get the kids into alakid, or alateen or counseling....
If you are stressed...imagine how it is for them.....they could carry the effects of this I nto their own adulthood and relationships....that is how this stuff becomes generational
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lunchbox.....I would like to add that we understand that there doesn't have to be beating or cheating, etc...for situations to be damaging. You probably have never thought in terms of the word "abuse"....so, maybe, it would help if you inserted the word "damaging" or "traumatic" "Psychologically stressful", instead.....
The word "abuse" is commonly used on a forum like this...because a lot of it does exist...and the fact that there are lots of types of abuse (damage, trauma) that can leave scars just as much as physical abuse...…
I'm just saying.....
The word "abuse" is commonly used on a forum like this...because a lot of it does exist...and the fact that there are lots of types of abuse (damage, trauma) that can leave scars just as much as physical abuse...…
I'm just saying.....
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Dandylion makes some really good points. "Abuse" is tossed about as a word but it does have a huge impact (I mean the word, just to clarify - it can be off-putting).
You might find this stickied post helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...hat-abuse.html (What abuse is)
You might find this stickied post helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...hat-abuse.html (What abuse is)
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I was abused when I was a kid. Most of the time my nanny didn't touch me. However, you bet I remember those days when she stabbed us with needles, plunged our faces into the cereal, and tore up our dolls and stuffed animals.
Did it leave any marks or bruises? No, and now when I remember that it makes me even angrier. She didn't want to leave any marks because she didn't want get into trouble. She wanted to abuse us without leaving any evidence. And that's just cruel and calculating.
Once I came to that realization, it made it so much easier to go no contact with her. My sister claims that it wasn't abuse because we were brats and deserved it and forty years later my sister's the reason why I'm on SR.
Did it leave any marks or bruises? No, and now when I remember that it makes me even angrier. She didn't want to leave any marks because she didn't want get into trouble. She wanted to abuse us without leaving any evidence. And that's just cruel and calculating.
Once I came to that realization, it made it so much easier to go no contact with her. My sister claims that it wasn't abuse because we were brats and deserved it and forty years later my sister's the reason why I'm on SR.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Lunchbox, your husband seems a lot like mine. He would drink 3 cans of beer a night more on Fridays and the week end. It increased to 9 cans a night. When he was drunk we were in eggshells. He would complain which lead to arguments. My children are impacted by it and would act out because they had no other way to deal with it. H behavior included throwing things and putting holes in the wall. My inlaws dislike me because they minimized the impact and assumed I must be at fault at least 50-50. He would also verbally and physically abused the children as discipline especially when I was not home.
This way of life is not the way children thrive. It stopped when I finally said no more. I filed for divorce. I had the children start seeing a counselor. H stopped drinking. His behavior and our communication improved.
This way of life is not the way children thrive. It stopped when I finally said no more. I filed for divorce. I had the children start seeing a counselor. H stopped drinking. His behavior and our communication improved.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 539
Lunchbox
You are saying that he is not doing anything to lose visitation. I would not be so certain about that. You also said that you are a buffer zone for the kids. You probably aren't protecting them as much as you think. They live full time in an alcoholic home watching their dad model horrible behavior to his wife. Mom is modeling that a wife should accept that kind of behavior.
You need to take yourself AND the children to appropriate meetings for self help. Get a lawyer and begin with separation. Arm the children with how to recognize and manage alcoholic behavior. During legal proceedings disclose your concerns and request a neutral person be available for the children to call if they believe their father is drunk and they want to leave.
The current situation is unhealthy for all of you. You are stopping yourself from getting something better for yourself and the children. At alanon you will meet real women who have faced this. A lawyer will be clear with your true legal position and ability to protect the children. I think a frank discussion with hubby in his sober moments is also due. Does the family outside your home know? Can they help?
You are saying that he is not doing anything to lose visitation. I would not be so certain about that. You also said that you are a buffer zone for the kids. You probably aren't protecting them as much as you think. They live full time in an alcoholic home watching their dad model horrible behavior to his wife. Mom is modeling that a wife should accept that kind of behavior.
You need to take yourself AND the children to appropriate meetings for self help. Get a lawyer and begin with separation. Arm the children with how to recognize and manage alcoholic behavior. During legal proceedings disclose your concerns and request a neutral person be available for the children to call if they believe their father is drunk and they want to leave.
The current situation is unhealthy for all of you. You are stopping yourself from getting something better for yourself and the children. At alanon you will meet real women who have faced this. A lawyer will be clear with your true legal position and ability to protect the children. I think a frank discussion with hubby in his sober moments is also due. Does the family outside your home know? Can they help?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
...he's got narcissistic qualities that don't allow him to accept sufficient responsibility for his mistakes, which he can too easily blame them for, as they can be quite rude and verbally abusive to him. He drinks about 4 drinks a day, which is of course twice as much as what qualifies as "heavy drinking." When he drinks, he's annoying and tries to pick arguments.
All of which you cannot change.
Don't lose sight of the vast number of things you can change.
I'm sorry for your situation, I know what it feels like to feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. And how hard and long and angrily I resisted the idea that it was me who had to change!
I say all this gently, believe me, because I suffered a long time. Things finally got better and our lives changed (beautifully) once I began to grasp the concept of accepting the things I could not change and changing the things I could!
Keep an open mind, be kind to yourself and encourage yourself to find change.
Peace,
B.
All of which you cannot change.
Don't lose sight of the vast number of things you can change.
I'm sorry for your situation, I know what it feels like to feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. And how hard and long and angrily I resisted the idea that it was me who had to change!
I say all this gently, believe me, because I suffered a long time. Things finally got better and our lives changed (beautifully) once I began to grasp the concept of accepting the things I could not change and changing the things I could!
Keep an open mind, be kind to yourself and encourage yourself to find change.
Peace,
B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 116
Hmm
Well thanks for your thoughts. Easier said than done. This is a highly manipulative person who can block their feelings to outsmart me even though I am smarter, because I am very emotional and can't think straight when upset. So a divorce and the aftermath will be constant court and sick games, and will bankrupt my elderly mother.
I don't understand someone who (sober) stops bussing the table because he feels I don't make the kids do enough around the house, or who gets drunk, takes phone pictures of nothing, and upon not getting sufficient adulation for them, writes passive aggressive text messages in order to provoke his wife. I don't understand how someone with an advanced degree who is not under the influence at the time, can't see why the NIH recommendation of 2/day and 14/week max isn't the same as little to nothing for three days and then three or four a day for four days.
I don't understand someone who (sober) stops bussing the table because he feels I don't make the kids do enough around the house, or who gets drunk, takes phone pictures of nothing, and upon not getting sufficient adulation for them, writes passive aggressive text messages in order to provoke his wife. I don't understand how someone with an advanced degree who is not under the influence at the time, can't see why the NIH recommendation of 2/day and 14/week max isn't the same as little to nothing for three days and then three or four a day for four days.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by Lunchbox1 
I don't understand someone who (sober) stops bussing the table because he feels I don't make the kids do enough around the house, or who gets drunk, takes phone pictures of nothing, and upon not getting sufficient adulation for them, writes passive aggressive text messages in order to provoke his wife. I don't understand how someone with an advanced degree who is not under the influence at the time, can't see why the NIH recommendation of 2/day and 14/week max isn't the same as little to nothing for three days and then three or four a day for four days.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lunchbox…..CentralOhioDad is right....He is an alcoholic. This is typical behavior for an alcoholic.
I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of articles (contain in the stickies)…..Articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. Over 100 of them. There is sooo much to learn. Knowledge is power.....
I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of articles (contain in the stickies)…..Articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. Over 100 of them. There is sooo much to learn. Knowledge is power.....
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lunchbox.....LOL....seems like you two have been availing yourselves of NIH research...…
Since we re on the subject of NIH....and research.....
If you would like to understand what goes on inside the brain apparatus with alcohol.....I think you would appreciate reading the following book....it contains the latest research on the subject.....
"The Addicted Brain"....by Michael Kuhar….
(you can get a cheaper copy if you get a used one on amazon.com)…...
Since we re on the subject of NIH....and research.....
If you would like to understand what goes on inside the brain apparatus with alcohol.....I think you would appreciate reading the following book....it contains the latest research on the subject.....
"The Addicted Brain"....by Michael Kuhar….
(you can get a cheaper copy if you get a used one on amazon.com)…...
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