Husband picking fights
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Join Date: Nov 2017
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Husband picking fights
Hi guys. He drinks at night and textfights. If ignore provocation he "ups the ante" by escalating, upsetting the kids, etc. yesterday he implied I packed spoiled food in the kids' lunches. Confronting the behavior also provokes a fight. I can't leave and leave the kids part time with a functional alcoholic (he doesn't do things that would limit his custody etc). Help
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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Welcome Lunchbox.
I think its time to get yourself some support - and this is a good place to start, but get as much as you can. He obviously believes you are stuck with him and cant ever get away, and while you're isolated in this situation it's going to be easy to slip into a state where you believe his quacking.
I don't know where you are in the world, but please, please seek legal advice and find out what resources are available for people in your situation. Your husband sounds (from this and your other post) verbally abusive.
Being habitually drunk and abusive will affect his custodial rights. It might seem difficult, but make a journal of the things he says and does.
No matter if he doesn't like your boundaries, stick to them. If that means going out somewhere with the kids for a drive, or to visit someone or for some evening grocery shopping so be it.
Growing up with a functioning alcoholic parent is damaging. Any child deserves better. There is help available. Please reach out and get it. AlAnon could be a good first port of call.
Take care.
BB
I think its time to get yourself some support - and this is a good place to start, but get as much as you can. He obviously believes you are stuck with him and cant ever get away, and while you're isolated in this situation it's going to be easy to slip into a state where you believe his quacking.
I don't know where you are in the world, but please, please seek legal advice and find out what resources are available for people in your situation. Your husband sounds (from this and your other post) verbally abusive.
Being habitually drunk and abusive will affect his custodial rights. It might seem difficult, but make a journal of the things he says and does.
No matter if he doesn't like your boundaries, stick to them. If that means going out somewhere with the kids for a drive, or to visit someone or for some evening grocery shopping so be it.
Growing up with a functioning alcoholic parent is damaging. Any child deserves better. There is help available. Please reach out and get it. AlAnon could be a good first port of call.
Take care.
BB
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Lunchbox - Don't make assumptions about custody. I read many things on this website and others about needing a DUI or evidence of abuse, etc. A lot depends on your jurisdiction, your judge and your husband's desire to keep information out of the public record. My ex had no DUIs, was regarded as a great father by our friends and neighbors, etc. , but his custody is limited to every other Saturday and Sunday, no overnights and I can refuse a visit if I believe he has been drinking or is otherwise not capable of providing proper care to our child.
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Location: Central O-H-I-O
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Originally Posted by Westexy 
Lunchbox - Don't make assumptions about custody. I read many things on this website and others about needing a DUI or evidence of abuse, etc. A lot depends on your jurisdiction, your judge and your husband's desire to keep information out of the public record. My ex had no DUIs, was regarded as a great father by our friends and neighbors, etc. , but his custody is limited to every other Saturday and Sunday, no overnights and I can refuse a visit if I believe he has been drinking or is otherwise not capable of providing proper care to our child.
COD
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Not custody. Parental responsibility.
Our state has moved to shared parental responsibility. Instead of custody, children's activities, involvement in religious services education healthcare etc. are divided between two parents with one parent having more responsibility for one area than the other parent. "To ensure parenting time for both@. Gone are the days of custody. Harder to get the kids away from him.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Originally Posted by Lunchbox1
Our state has moved to shared parental responsibility. Instead of custody, children's activities, involvement in religious services education healthcare etc. are divided between two parents with one parent having more responsibility for one area than the other parent. "To ensure parenting time for both@. Gone are the days of custody. Harder to get the kids away from him.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
And how did you arrange that? Not trying to hijack the thread, just wondering, since I might be in that situation soon.
COD
COD
The longer version is my husband did not want to appear in court, and he definitely didn't want to appear in a court where we were going to go through all of the details of his drinking including texts, emails and photos. He also didn't want to spend a lot of "our" money on attorneys so we had a custody/visitation agreement, along with a financial proposal ready to present to my husband at the same time. In that financial proposal, I made some concessions (in my mind at least) because it was more important to me to have more control over visitation. For example, I don't get child support which some people view as a ridiculous concession, but it wouldn't have been much anyway, it was more important to me to control visitation, AND I wanted to keep more of my 401k.
My attorney told my husband that if we were able to present all of the evidence we had, he felt confident that a judge would require him to consistently work a program and perhaps even require supervised visits for some period of time. My husband wanted NONE of this. I'll be happy to share more COD, but I don't want to put too much in a public forum. Please feel free to message me with any questions at all. I think this approach might be less effective with most moms, but some aspects of it might be helpful. One last thing - My husband trusted that I had our child's best interests in mind regarding visitation and he trusted that I would let him see our child more if he was doing well, which I have. They have even had some successful overnight visits at this point.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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I had enough documentation of his drinking problem and a pretty clear narrative of how his drinking and abusive behavior had escalated that the judge was unwilling to take his word for anything.
I agree that it's a good idea save those texts and speak to someone who is qualified to give legal advice for your specific location and situation. I lived with my ex's abuse for so long that I had lost my perspective on how bad it really was. I would say don't worry about Al Anon just now. Some of the principles and techniques are counterproductive and can even put you in danger by making the abuse escalate until he can get that old reaction from you.
He did many of the same things you're describing, and the abuse escalated over time, and so did the drinking. I was able to find help through my local legal aid (there's no single central website, but you can search (your area) legal aid and find local resources. Seeking out information doesn't obligate you to do anything until you're ready, but knowing my rights gave me the confidence to make sound decisions to protect myself and my kids. I had no faith in myself for a long time.
You don't deserve this treatment. No one does. A book that really opened my eyes about my situation was Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. I finally got to see that what my ex was doing was actually about control and entitlement. He got whatever he wanted and the whole household revolved around his moods because we were terrified of his rages. Everything about that arrangement worked for him, of course he didn't want it to change.
I hope you and your kids are able to have some peace this weekend. Take care and please keep posting and reaching out.
I agree that it's a good idea save those texts and speak to someone who is qualified to give legal advice for your specific location and situation. I lived with my ex's abuse for so long that I had lost my perspective on how bad it really was. I would say don't worry about Al Anon just now. Some of the principles and techniques are counterproductive and can even put you in danger by making the abuse escalate until he can get that old reaction from you.
He did many of the same things you're describing, and the abuse escalated over time, and so did the drinking. I was able to find help through my local legal aid (there's no single central website, but you can search (your area) legal aid and find local resources. Seeking out information doesn't obligate you to do anything until you're ready, but knowing my rights gave me the confidence to make sound decisions to protect myself and my kids. I had no faith in myself for a long time.
You don't deserve this treatment. No one does. A book that really opened my eyes about my situation was Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. I finally got to see that what my ex was doing was actually about control and entitlement. He got whatever he wanted and the whole household revolved around his moods because we were terrified of his rages. Everything about that arrangement worked for him, of course he didn't want it to change.
I hope you and your kids are able to have some peace this weekend. Take care and please keep posting and reaching out.
In search of myself
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Philadelphia FREEDOM
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by Lunchbox1
Never got that peace. Got temporary respite in January until the day of his checkup when he left the appt to go buy a fuxkton of alcohol.
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Everything irritates me
When I know he's drinking, every minimally annoying comment or provocation he makes makes me want to scream. Like nagging me to make the kids do more around the house. Not a bad idea in itself but him telling me what to do makes me hate him more.
Originally Posted by Lunchbox1
Yes and no.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Originally Posted by Lunchbox1
When I know he's drinking, every minimally annoying comment or provocation he makes makes me want to scream. Like nagging me to make the kids do more around the house. Not a bad idea in itself but him telling me what to do makes me hate him more.
I hope you're able to explore other options for your life. They are there. I was always a "worst case scenario" kind of person, so my inner doomcryer worked overtime to assure me that all of my worst fears would manifest if I made any big decisions.
You've been made to feel as though your judgement is unsound, but that's not the case. Your husband has worked to ingrain that idea in you so that he can go on his merry way without consequences.
That's the real problem. He is happy with this arrangement, in spite of his constant criticism and complaining.
Take care. You deserve peace.
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Problem is leave and he gets the kids for visits. And he's controlling and ranting even sober.
So then they don't have me there as a buffer. Whenever I go to work they are fighting with him. They are really rude to him at this point.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
having feelings of "hate" towards another are not healthy for you! the kids can feel the tension......it's just not a good situation for anyone.
what options do YOU see?
what options do YOU see?
In search of myself
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Philadelphia FREEDOM
Posts: 149
Again, do you want to leave the relationship? Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting? Do you want to try it? Please accept my apology for not seeing your response to my question.
Okay, so you want to leave. Do you have a support system of family and/or friends? Do you have the financial ability to leave? If not, can you get to the point where you can leave?
Al-Anon would be of great help. At least consider attending several different meetings to see if one is a good fit for you. My AH loved to pick fights during specific holidays, as in Christmas time. Ugh. I spent A LOT of time in Al-Anon meetings during that time of year. It could be beneficial to you to share with others face-to-face what you are dealing with.
Okay, so you want to leave. Do you have a support system of family and/or friends? Do you have the financial ability to leave? If not, can you get to the point where you can leave?
Al-Anon would be of great help. At least consider attending several different meetings to see if one is a good fit for you. My AH loved to pick fights during specific holidays, as in Christmas time. Ugh. I spent A LOT of time in Al-Anon meetings during that time of year. It could be beneficial to you to share with others face-to-face what you are dealing with.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
And he's controlling and ranting even sober.
So what's good at all about this situation? It's a very unhealthy environment for the children, What can you do? Get a counselor, go to Alanon. Take a stand! Be sure you are letting the kids know that this kind of "ranting anger" is unacceptable and immature behavior. Doesn't mean their father doesn't love them or that they cannot love him, but it is not the healthy way to deal with people in a loving relationship. And call the elephant in the room what it: Alcoholism. How different would my life (and that of my siblings) have been if our Mother (or any sober adult!) had the courage to just name it and tell us it wasn't our fault, we didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it!
Before I divorced my exH had to move my mental energy from focusing on all the impossibles to focusing on the possible. No easy task, but one when met with even minimal research, a little courage, focus on freedom, and protecting the minor children not the grown man's feelings, starts to shift the whole dynamic.
Yes, divorce is a big deal, and a hassle, but I'm glad I got out of that marriage while my kids were still young, and of course I still had to deal with my exH because of the kids but the peace of mind, the soothing environment I created for our "broken home" was in no way broken, it was mighty, and peaceful, and fun, and loving, and free! The stress of still having to deal with him was intermittent and actually much less troubling than I had catastrophized in my head before we split up. Much less.
One foot in front of the other. Baby steps still get you places. The past is gone, you are free in THIS moment.
Peace,
B
So what's good at all about this situation? It's a very unhealthy environment for the children, What can you do? Get a counselor, go to Alanon. Take a stand! Be sure you are letting the kids know that this kind of "ranting anger" is unacceptable and immature behavior. Doesn't mean their father doesn't love them or that they cannot love him, but it is not the healthy way to deal with people in a loving relationship. And call the elephant in the room what it: Alcoholism. How different would my life (and that of my siblings) have been if our Mother (or any sober adult!) had the courage to just name it and tell us it wasn't our fault, we didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it!
Before I divorced my exH had to move my mental energy from focusing on all the impossibles to focusing on the possible. No easy task, but one when met with even minimal research, a little courage, focus on freedom, and protecting the minor children not the grown man's feelings, starts to shift the whole dynamic.
Yes, divorce is a big deal, and a hassle, but I'm glad I got out of that marriage while my kids were still young, and of course I still had to deal with my exH because of the kids but the peace of mind, the soothing environment I created for our "broken home" was in no way broken, it was mighty, and peaceful, and fun, and loving, and free! The stress of still having to deal with him was intermittent and actually much less troubling than I had catastrophized in my head before we split up. Much less.
One foot in front of the other. Baby steps still get you places. The past is gone, you are free in THIS moment.
Peace,
B
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 116
But
Two reasons. 1)Because if we are in the same house I can protect them but if we aren't, he's drunk and they're stuck. He's too functional to lose rights. 2) son is hysterical at the thought of us splitting.
Originally Posted by Bernadette
And he's controlling and ranting even sober.
So what's good at all about this situation? It's a very unhealthy environment for the children, What can you do? Get a counselor, go to Alanon. Take a stand! Be sure you are letting the kids know that this kind of "ranting anger" is unacceptable and immature behavior. Doesn't mean their father doesn't love them or that they cannot love him, but it is not the healthy way to deal with people in a loving relationship. And call the elephant in the room what it: Alcoholism. How different would my life (and that of my siblings) have been if our Mother (or any sober adult!) had the courage to just name it and tell us it wasn't our fault, we didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it!
Before I divorced my exH had to move my mental energy from focusing on all the impossibles to focusing on the possible. No easy task, but one when met with even minimal research, a little courage, focus on freedom, and protecting the minor children not the grown man's feelings, starts to shift the whole dynamic.
Yes, divorce is a big deal, and a hassle, but I'm glad I got out of that marriage while my kids were still young, and of course I still had to deal with my exH because of the kids but the peace of mind, the soothing environment I created for our "broken home" was in no way broken, it was mighty, and peaceful, and fun, and loving, and free! The stress of still having to deal with him was intermittent and actually much less troubling than I had catastrophized in my head before we split up. Much less.
One foot in front of the other. Baby steps still get you places. The past is gone, you are free in THIS moment.
Peace,
B
So what's good at all about this situation? It's a very unhealthy environment for the children, What can you do? Get a counselor, go to Alanon. Take a stand! Be sure you are letting the kids know that this kind of "ranting anger" is unacceptable and immature behavior. Doesn't mean their father doesn't love them or that they cannot love him, but it is not the healthy way to deal with people in a loving relationship. And call the elephant in the room what it: Alcoholism. How different would my life (and that of my siblings) have been if our Mother (or any sober adult!) had the courage to just name it and tell us it wasn't our fault, we didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it!
Before I divorced my exH had to move my mental energy from focusing on all the impossibles to focusing on the possible. No easy task, but one when met with even minimal research, a little courage, focus on freedom, and protecting the minor children not the grown man's feelings, starts to shift the whole dynamic.
Yes, divorce is a big deal, and a hassle, but I'm glad I got out of that marriage while my kids were still young, and of course I still had to deal with my exH because of the kids but the peace of mind, the soothing environment I created for our "broken home" was in no way broken, it was mighty, and peaceful, and fun, and loving, and free! The stress of still having to deal with him was intermittent and actually much less troubling than I had catastrophized in my head before we split up. Much less.
One foot in front of the other. Baby steps still get you places. The past is gone, you are free in THIS moment.
Peace,
B
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Lunchbox1
Two reasons. 1)Because if we are in the same house I can protect them but if we aren't, he's drunk and they're stuck. He's too functional to lose rights. 2) son is hysterical at the thought of us splitting.
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