hearthealth

I am realizing I am not only powerless over the alcoholic but I am powerless over the dry drunk. My life has become unmanageable as I try to bring my message of Alanon/AA to the A. He is the only one that can change his ways even as 'sober'.
I can only decide if this is too unacceptable to stay because I can't do anything more than accept.
How does one get over this feeling of powerlessness?

FeelingGreat

Hi HH, you're only powerless over him. You have your own power if that's what you choose. Being on the verge of leaving, then giving your marriage another chance, may have taken some power away in your own mind.
I get the feeling from your posts that drunk or sober you really don't like him. Would that be accurate? If so you may never feel happy in your marriage whether he's drinking or not.

Soulful

You are only powerless over the disease and addiction. Everything else is in your control to change.

atalose

ACCEPTANCE once you fully accept you are powerless over another individual and their disease it will allow you to SURRENDER into your real power, which is only over yourself and your choices in life.

firebolt

I can tell you with all certainty, that the only times in life that i've changed...REALLY changed....is when I have experienced feelings of loss. Almost like a chemical change in my body - to where there is no possible way I was moving forward from it as the same person I was before it.

Loss of friends, loss of family, loss of pride, loss of love, loss of POWER.

It't a pretty pivotal moment, and you feel like a miserable kicked puppy, you grieve it, and then you pick yourself up by the bootstraps and move forward in a much different way than you are used to. There are silver linings in it all. (((HUGS))) to you, change is NOT easy!

NYCDoglvr

It only works if the alcoholic seeks out AA, is open, honest and willing to do the hard work of getting sober.

maia1234

Alanon and open AA meetings are for you, its not for you to share the message. That is something that will click or not click with him.

Keep going to meetings and in time it will "click" on what you need to do.

FireSprite

My experience was that once I finally let go - I mean, REALLY, fully, emotionally Got There with Letting Go - then my anxiety & fear about the lack of control was actually gone, popped like a balloon & the result was freeing.

It felt REALLY GOOD to not feel responsible for someone else's choices. I felt the literal weight of it shift off of my shoulders - it's Not Mine To Carry, it never was. I could choose to put it down & when I did I had all this space. Space for new thoughts, emotions, plans, ideas, awarenesses, self-love..... what started out as a heavy, negative burden transformed into love & possibilities instead.

hopeful4

Yes. This!!!!

While the ache of seeing how it affects children never subsides, the knowledge that it's not yours to own is so freeing! When I finally realized it, I felt like a million pounds had been lifted from my shoulders. This was before I even divorced. I finally realized I was not going to change anything, and that it was not mine to change. It was relief.

Seren

Hearthealth

Because you don't have any choice. I love my stepson. IMO, he needs to stop drinking, stop doing drugs, get a job, pay his own way, build his own life. That is my opinion, and those things would, without doubt, be best for him in the long run. Just as it would be for your husband in the long run.

Thing is, even if I locked my stepson in the basement and only let him out to go to work, he would still find a way to use drugs and drink if that is what he chose to do.

So, I can only accept that his life is his own, his decisions and actions are his own. If I don't accept this, then I spend my whole life stressed out, resentful, chasing around after him, pushing him to do things "my way". If I did that, I would truly be losing my life on the altar of someone else's addiction because I would not have time or energy left for my own life. I have chosen to let him go.

It's just that easy...and just that hard.

FireSprite

Yes - THAT's the word I was reaching for.... Relief!!

hearthealth

It felt REALLY GOOD to not feel responsible for someone else's choices. I felt the literal weight of it shift off of my shoulders - it's Not Mine To Carry, it never was. I could choose to put it down & when I did I had all this space. Space for new thoughts, emotions, plans, ideas, awarenesses, self-love..... what started out as a heavy, negative burden transformed into love & possibilities instead. [/QUOTE]

This is it. I've still been mentally attached to him too much. I need to not let his actions still dictate my day. He still had those decades of alcoholic mind set that effects out lives.

hearthealth

So, I can only accept that his life is his own, his decisions and actions are his own. If I don't accept this, then I spend my whole life stressed out, resentful, chasing around after him, pushing him to do things "my way". If I did that, I would truly be losing my life on the altar of someone else's addiction because I would not have time or energy left for my own life. I have chosen to let him go.

It's just that easy...and just that hard.

I don't know how to the two threads to one reply but this has been what I've been fighting. If only he would...instead of If only I would..

hearthealth

I have a hard time posting lately because I wonder if it is a sober recovery topic. We had another situation come up recently. I told him I don't want to be married to him anymore. He stated he thought the same thing. I think I surprised myself how direct I was with him. I wasn't afraid of the reaction. I was finally tired of living like this.

thousandwords53

You're getting there!
I also avoid posting my dramas, I get it. But keep posting. It has been and continues to be very helpful.

SparkleKitty

This is totally a sober recovery topic. It's a good reminder that not-drinking is rarely enough to fix anything.

So what's next for you?

hearthealth

He once again is acting as though his venom meant nothing to me. I am waiting to hear back from my lawyer.

firebolt

I think it's absolutely an SR topic! I think a big part of the reasons we found ourselves in the messes we have is because we don't listen to ourselves, or articulate what we really want and need for the sake of potential, and not hurting someone else.

I hope you gave yourself a pat on the back, and keep moving forward! Really, the worst that's going to happen is we get the life we want

hearthealth

Sylvie, I've wanted to post to your recent threads but didn't want to take it over. I live with fear. I got so use to living by my gut(fear) that I didn't live with my head. I say he doesn't know how to have a relationship but the only relationship I know is fear driven.

I have been pushing my comfort at work and friendships and outside activities but the only thing I can't change is other people. I've accepted that with in laws now I accept it with my husband. I will prepare for the new year.

hearthealth

After this last incident I no longer try to teach him the better ways. His outburst was emotional abuse just like the recent not my post, an old thread. I know that outburst is not me and him saying it doesn't make it so. He just irritates me that he is not trying to fix himself by self thought and therefore us. I think I have enough self thought for the both of us and it's just mind tiring.