GoodguyJoel

Just went beyond 15 minutes...wanted to correct something

I was/am still a codie...but trying to work past it.

HTown

Why is it up to her? You should be the one in control of whether you have a relationship. This woman is not worthy of you. You sell yourself short.

GoodguyJoel

I should also ask...

Although I joke about "Miami this, new guy that, drinking this, I want control that, I'm leaving back to michigan in a month this, you are not on my team that."

Does this sound like the quacking of an alcoholic?

She still does all this even in rehab...maybe a dry drunk?

Or maybe it is the underlying personality disorder/mental illness (If that truly exists).

I should mention I have also read lots on what seizures can do to the brain...and even major ones, including the trauma she suffered from hitting the floor may actually cause brain damage and or personality changes. However, I am no clinician or doctor regarding this issue, so I can't say with any certainty what so ever. But I will say after the first major seizure, she did start to change...and this is when the alcoholism truly took off. Maybe just a weird coincidence. I just can't easily say that she "just fell out of love with me." I can't rule it out...but with the alcoholism in the mix, it just seems like quacking and trying to get immediate gratification and "her way" regardless of who she hurts or disposes of...

GoodguyJoel

You are right...I wanted to add that.

IF I WANTED TO TAKE HER BACK! Which I currently do not. So, yes, I get to choose that as well. Agreed, and good point.

Hawkeye13

I'd say it's more than quacking--how unkind of her to talk about another man to you.
Sounds like self-centered insensitive childishness from my perspective.
When I quit drinking, I was full of apologies and remorse for my actions
and what they did to my spouse.

I notice this post is still much more about her than your own recovery--
keep moving forward in little steps, and try to stay away from contact, updates,
her family / friends etc. and concentrate on the diss and finishing up your studies.

I think what you're seeing here is the "real" her such as it is--
As you get more distance, it will get clearer to you as well I think.
Good job ignoring text and voicemail!

SparkleKitty

No one here can predict what she will or won't do, what she is or isn't doing, and even if we could, we are not here for her. We're here for you.

I hope you can keep pulling your focus away from her and whatever she is or isn't doing and back to yourself, where it will actually do a great deal of good.

trailmix

I actually get why you are looking for answers.

I feel like there is part of this story missing.

She goes to rehab, meets fellow re-habber that also likes to drink and/or do other drugs. Off they go, he has money to support her so she doesn't have to work.

He winds up having to send her away because HE can't handle it.

Has he told her she needs to stay in rehab before going back to him? There has to be a motivator. She has mentioned she plans on drinking again so I guess that is kosher in this new arrangement with him.

You know, anger can be a motivator sometimes. I don't think it's a good idea to cling on to it for a long time but if you are angry with her go ahead and be angry!

hopeful4

Joel, you are putting so much energy into figuring her out. She isn't willing to figure herself out, little long you trying to guess what is going on in her addicted, selfish mind. Yup. I said that, and would say it again. She ONLY went to rehab to keep herself from being homeless. That's it. Now she has a plan, to run into the arms of another man. How is that showing she cares for you in any way? It's not.

Keep going to Alanon. Stop trying to figure her brain out and be thankful your brain does not work in that same way. Focus on YOU. Keep looking at where you want to be, and see yourself with someone who actually deserves your love. She does not.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Do you want to be with a woman who continues down this road?

FireSprite

This is where/why you're losing people here Joel.

We don't know. We don't CARE because she's NOT the one here posting, reaching out for help. YOU are. We can guess all day long but we'll never be doing anything except throwing darts just to see what sticks..... it would amount to less than nothing because we'd ALL have wasted our time.

So how are you stopping these kinds of thoughts when they start? What do you do to break the cycle? What kind of tools are you utilizing? Why not focus your questions on things we can actually help with?

atalose

Adding the thought of a dual disorder STILL does not change the fact that she has moved on. It does not change the fact she has made decisions good or bad for herself that do not include you.

Trying to predict HER future is futile and no one not even her could possible answer that question.

These obsessions and thoughts you have sound to me like the bargaining stage of grief. The if only stage……

If only she was dual diagnosed previously in past rehabs

If only someone would tell me to continue to hang on because she will get sober this time

If only a doctor could identify brain damage from seizures, then maybe they could fix that part and the alcoholic part would also get better

Making deals with your hire power, “if you make her well and bring her back to me fixed and how I want her I will…………..

You shun the anger part of grief because maybe just maybe if you actually do become anger with her and her behaviors it might bring you closer to acceptance. Anger can be a great and positive for change – change in us.

AnvilheadII

I guess it may come from the fact that I am the only one fact checking her on everything.

The more I find, the more I tell others, or they tell me, the more we see how there is nothing congruent.

The more she lies, and keeps us all wondering what is true or not, the more control she keeps in the situation and can move the situation in a way that suits her.

how about ya'll just back off and mind your own business and let this person get on with HER life and SHE sees fit??? fact checking? findings? sharing your finds with others and collecting intel? can you hear how this just screams CONTROL??? man i'd be hightailing it out of state too..............

dandylion

atalose....YES! The bargaining stage of grief. Normal, expected...and, transient.

HardLessons

Joel

Who paid for the rehab she is in now?

You said previously she is broke. You said previously the mother paid $40,000 for the last recent rehab. You said previously you don't have the money to pay for her rehab. Although based on your numerous comments of how much you love & care about her I don't understand why you wouldn't pay for her rehab to help her.

Thanks

GoodguyJoel

Hello again everyone,

I do want to clarify that I have backed off. I am not currently fact checking etc. I have given that up as of Saturday of last week because I couldn’t stand the lies we were all getting. I was just trying to find truth, and I get that she is only human, so maybe she just can be true in this state. I accept that. I was talking about my previous behavior and the thoughts I am left with. But even those thoughts will likely never get answered. I was never like this in our relationship because I do believe in freedom and to love freely. However, none of what happened made sense to me and I was trying to make sense of it. Again, I probably will never, unless she does and tells me. I’m not holding my breath. I don’t think she’s even in a state of mind to do so from what we talked about and I observed. This isn’t a critical statement, it’s just acknowledging where she really is.

Likewise, I just had no way of seeing this coming. So it is just the way I handled it. And remember I was not the only one talking to the family and friends...they would seek me out and ask why I knew. But at some point the lies and actions didn’t make sense, so I tried to find truth, and so did others. Recall she ran from everyone, not just me.


As for who paid, I didn’t pay a cent for her rehab. Her mother again is paying. At a minimum for insurance and when we last spoke, she has no clue what out of pocket costs will come...but that’s mom taking care of her baby, and none of my business at this point.

Yes, I am over analyzing. Yes, I was very happy yet dependent on our relationship. Yes, we had some problems, but not enough to justify this. Yes, she ran off with another guy. Yes, she isn’t actively seeking me. Yes, she told me she loves me and we’re intimate. Yes, I tried to make sense of this, it was a very very important aspect of my life. She was a great person to me before this all happened. But, yes, she is an addict, and addiction doesn’t need to make sense whatsoever. Likewise, with my knowledge of who she is, family history, and how she handled her stresses, i think there is some other underlying issue.

But I accept all of this. Do I like it? No. But is it my choice? No.

Is it my decision to stay involved? Yes. Am I going to? No.

If she gets sober, stays that way, and reaches out to me in the future, will I talk to her? Maybe. Depends.

Until it is anything more than I need this or that, or lies about me and our relationship, I don’t think I will bother. It is not fair to me. I tried very hard. I loved her deeply, and still do. But it is best if I back off for us both. Let her come to her own realizations, I can’t force them on her. But I did tell her that if she does get sober, she will likely see this all differently. I firmly believe that.

GoodguyJoel

Oh and I misread the last question.

I DID pay for all the bouts of detox, the many partial out patient programs, and drove her to them. Went to a few meetings with her. Tried to formulate plans with her to stay sober, and what to do when she felt the urges to drink, etc. I supported each positive step. I even drove her for approximately 6 months straight to each house showing when she had seizures and couldn’t drive for 3 months at a pop. I tried to help her find new routes of vocation based on what she told me she loved in life and we would discuss the skills she has and how they overlap in a variety of jobs, all in hopes she would take steps to try something new. I promoted our wedding as a great positive step, and us moving and starting new careers and building a whole new life with her that would be the way we wanted it to be. I told her all the financial woes were temporary, and that they would be gone soon if we just stick it out a bit longer.

I can’t express enough, I tried everything. I am not perfect, but I sure did try as much as I humanly could without outright giving her my job, and my PhD program, and my every waking moment.

What do I get in return? She leaves me... her financial woes are way worse, and she shattered all that she is, and what we were.

Maybe that is just par for addiction.

Hawkeye13

It is really hard Joel--but letting go will make things a bit easier over time.
They say recovery is an inside job, and I sure found that to be true for me.

In the end, nothing my husband said or did made me quit.
I chose to do it for myself, and I got the "bonus" of saving my relationship.

littlesister1

Joel

The answer/s you seek are very very simple

She is an addict, doing what addict do PERIOD.

Has nothing to do with you, she will treat anyone and everyone the same way.

STOP TRYING TO FIGURE OUT CRAZY

maia1234

Sending hugs, Joel.
It hurt more then life its self sometimes. The pain is no different then an addict detoxing, just in a different way.

Do some self care, mind your side of the street and pray often that someday she will find recovery. This is truly the only thing us codies can do. Take care of you!!

hopeful4

Keep moving forward Joel. You are figuring some things out, and that's a good thing.

atalose

Lots more of this kind of thinking and self-talk!!!!! Now you’re beginning to “get it”