Has an affair every rehab or program
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Suchafool 
You are worth so much more than the disrespect you have been receiving from this man. I know this hurts...believe me, I know. I promise you that it gets better because I am speaking to you from the other side of that pain.
You are worth so much more than the disrespect you have been receiving from this man. I know this hurts...believe me, I know. I promise you that it gets better because I am speaking to you from the other side of that pain.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I'm glad you've left. After my relationship ended, I also wanted to scream WHY?!?! It's just unfair that someone you cared about could treat you the way they did. Then one day, as I was crying my heart out, someone said something really revealing: Okatz, this man does not love you. So that was all I needed to know. The man does not love you, he loves his drugs. Drugs are number 1, the addict is number 2 (because he needs to keep himself going so he can keep drugging/drinking), and you are a distant, very distant number 3... unless there are other things that are drug-related that he needs his energy for, then maybe you're number 8 or 200. If he's an addict, he's not prepared to have a relationship with anyone, EVEN the people he cheats with. If he's cheating with someone in rehab, he's basically found someone he can get high with. I would be surprised, very surprised if they didn't use drugs/drink together. It's always better to have a relationship with a person who does not share your dysfunction even if you are both recovering from it.
Anger is good. Use that anger to stay away from him. Be angry. Use it to protect yourself from bullsh*t. After a while, the "why" you should ask yourself is why did you stay? Usually the answer is uncomfortable, like maybe you got caught in the sunk-cost fallacy: you've invested x amount of time with him, and you don't want that to be wasted time, but the reality is, it was. Or maybe you didn't think you could find anyone else and you didn't want to be alone. Whatever the reason is, don't feel bad about it, just leave it all behind and live a better life.
So much easier to say these things than to do them myself. :-)
Anger is good. Use that anger to stay away from him. Be angry. Use it to protect yourself from bullsh*t. After a while, the "why" you should ask yourself is why did you stay? Usually the answer is uncomfortable, like maybe you got caught in the sunk-cost fallacy: you've invested x amount of time with him, and you don't want that to be wasted time, but the reality is, it was. Or maybe you didn't think you could find anyone else and you didn't want to be alone. Whatever the reason is, don't feel bad about it, just leave it all behind and live a better life.
So much easier to say these things than to do them myself. :-)
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You cannot blame a rehab for affairs.
Thing is, addiction is addiction. Affairs are affairs. Many alcoholics don't cheat, and not all cheaters are alcoholics.
You deserve more. I am sorry if I am blunt as I know you are hurting. Stay strong.
I send you many hugs.
Thing is, addiction is addiction. Affairs are affairs. Many alcoholics don't cheat, and not all cheaters are alcoholics.
You deserve more. I am sorry if I am blunt as I know you are hurting. Stay strong.
I send you many hugs.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you have updated us.
I just want to add one thing, said gently. Please do not start a new relationship any time soon. I know from experience that I wanted someone to love me and to seem like the most deserving, wonderful person in my life - but when I tried that pretty soon after a devastating (and abusive) relationship ended, it was just not a good idea. For many reasons.
Take care of you.
I just want to add one thing, said gently. Please do not start a new relationship any time soon. I know from experience that I wanted someone to love me and to seem like the most deserving, wonderful person in my life - but when I tried that pretty soon after a devastating (and abusive) relationship ended, it was just not a good idea. For many reasons.
Take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 109
Suchafool,
Again, chiming in saying that you are not alone in this. Some of the great folks on your thread here have been helping me through a similar situation. I am not much further than I was a few weeks ago, but I can tell from what you say, you are emotionally sound enough to make it through this. For sometime now, I felt it was the rehab center which enabled this to occur, but later found out it was solely the two involved, my fiance and a new guy. I was told they were warned only in the last day or two of such things, and they both admit they think they were beyond it, meaning better than the statistics and hardship of rehab romance. I do feel they should cover these topics immediately upon arrival, and also detail consequences if such actions occur. This is the only thing I see the rehab centers improving upon. This doesn't change that alcoholism/cheaters are two separate things, it just seems to be a flaw from what I saw. Likewise, single sex type rehabs may be better, but who would have the foresight to imagine their loved one would do such a thing.
As stated in the Al Anon step 1, we are powerless over alcohol. We cannot control it for those addicted, we didn't cause it, and we don't have to stand for it. I look at my current situation, and finally can say, there is nothing more I can do to impact the situation...and I don't know if there ever was. This is where you can maybe start to see that what he is doing, he will do regardless of what you say or do...you don't control him, you don't own him. But that also means you can make your choice to stay, or go. The fine folks here will say RUN! And I have extreme difficulty in doing so, but somewhere deep in all of us, we know that would be best. It's just getting there that takes each person their individual amount of time.
Do take your time, do process your emotions, and do what you feel is right. When you need it, come here and vent, just as I do. Please try to take care of yourself, I know just how hard that is, but try little by little.
Again, chiming in saying that you are not alone in this. Some of the great folks on your thread here have been helping me through a similar situation. I am not much further than I was a few weeks ago, but I can tell from what you say, you are emotionally sound enough to make it through this. For sometime now, I felt it was the rehab center which enabled this to occur, but later found out it was solely the two involved, my fiance and a new guy. I was told they were warned only in the last day or two of such things, and they both admit they think they were beyond it, meaning better than the statistics and hardship of rehab romance. I do feel they should cover these topics immediately upon arrival, and also detail consequences if such actions occur. This is the only thing I see the rehab centers improving upon. This doesn't change that alcoholism/cheaters are two separate things, it just seems to be a flaw from what I saw. Likewise, single sex type rehabs may be better, but who would have the foresight to imagine their loved one would do such a thing.
As stated in the Al Anon step 1, we are powerless over alcohol. We cannot control it for those addicted, we didn't cause it, and we don't have to stand for it. I look at my current situation, and finally can say, there is nothing more I can do to impact the situation...and I don't know if there ever was. This is where you can maybe start to see that what he is doing, he will do regardless of what you say or do...you don't control him, you don't own him. But that also means you can make your choice to stay, or go. The fine folks here will say RUN! And I have extreme difficulty in doing so, but somewhere deep in all of us, we know that would be best. It's just getting there that takes each person their individual amount of time.
Do take your time, do process your emotions, and do what you feel is right. When you need it, come here and vent, just as I do. Please try to take care of yourself, I know just how hard that is, but try little by little.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 4
You all have helped me so much. I go back and read these posts over and over. Letting go is hard, which makes no sense. I’ve left good men in my past go that did far, far less than he did....I just kept saying this is a disease, he needs help. I have been to Alanon several times. They taught me alcoholics lie, with never blinking an eye, but don’t take it personal......well that is very very hard. And cheating is a character flaw, not a symptom of alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
The thing about Alanon is that it's just other people, going through the same things. They are not therapists.
Cheating is very personal, and anyone who does not see it as personal is misguided in my opinion.
Stay the course. Keep posting, you are not alone!
Cheating is very personal, and anyone who does not see it as personal is misguided in my opinion.
Stay the course. Keep posting, you are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
Originally Posted by Suchafool 
You all have helped me so much. I go back and read these posts over and over. Letting go is hard, which makes no sense. I’ve left good men in my past go that did far, far less than he did....I just kept saying this is a disease, he needs help. I have been to Alanon several times. They taught me alcoholics lie, with never blinking an eye, but don’t take it personal......well that is very very hard. And cheating is a character flaw, not a symptom of alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 8
Many treatment centres in Canada are single sex. Here is an exerpt from the website of one of them:
"Apart from families and partners, your relationship with your peers during your stay in alcohol treatment is an important step in your recovery. We address the tendency of those struggling with alcoholism to isolate when coping with life’s challenges. By sharing their experiences and supporting others who are struggling with similar issues, clients can experience strength in numbers.
Unfortunately, sharing intimate thoughts and living together for an extended period can also be the catalyst for romance in a co-ed environment. Men and women in early recovery are particularly vulnerable to jumping into unhealthy relationships. This can have a devastating impact on marriages and have a “triangulating” effect in the peer group where jealousy and rivalries can start. Our alcohol treatment program is intentionally male-only so that clients can experience the power of the peer group in a safe environment."
(Sunshine Coast Health Centre)
So as much as people's choices are their own, etc. there is a greater chance of heterosexual "rehab romances" happening when the treatment facilities are co-ed.
My loved one is in a single sex treatment centre currently.
"Apart from families and partners, your relationship with your peers during your stay in alcohol treatment is an important step in your recovery. We address the tendency of those struggling with alcoholism to isolate when coping with life’s challenges. By sharing their experiences and supporting others who are struggling with similar issues, clients can experience strength in numbers.
Unfortunately, sharing intimate thoughts and living together for an extended period can also be the catalyst for romance in a co-ed environment. Men and women in early recovery are particularly vulnerable to jumping into unhealthy relationships. This can have a devastating impact on marriages and have a “triangulating” effect in the peer group where jealousy and rivalries can start. Our alcohol treatment program is intentionally male-only so that clients can experience the power of the peer group in a safe environment."
(Sunshine Coast Health Centre)
So as much as people's choices are their own, etc. there is a greater chance of heterosexual "rehab romances" happening when the treatment facilities are co-ed.
My loved one is in a single sex treatment centre currently.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by Suchafool
I’m trying to stay positive about inpatient rehabs and meetings, but it’s so hard. My husband 5 years, 5 inpatient rehabs across the country, 2 outpatient extended programs and sober houses. Every single time he has an affair. He tells me the meetings, groups, discussions and team building force their togetherness day in and day out for 28 days. The see each other all day, eat together and share their most intimate moments. I don’t understand this way of thinking from the people who run theses programs!! Can’t they see this is like dating camp? CoEd field trips??? Are you serious????? Seeing each other in all the weekly meetings???? I give up, I push to get him help, sacrifice and this is the outcome every single time.
Ive been through a lot of counseling alone, and with my husband on this and I accept the conclusion there are various reasons why people cheat, and why people abuse substances. There are many "inside" factors that contribute to both in most cases.
I actually do place some responsibility on the rehabs for this issue. Because addiction affects the brain, which affects the emotions, along with logic and reason. Many rehabs do throw people in together, with staff who are really not medical or psych professionals.. Ive even heard of places where the staff gets it on with the patients. Picking a rehab is serious business and I feel this way because one we picked without much research was terrible, and he ended up not staying. There are rehabs that are not co-ed. and ones that handle dual diagnosis, mental health issues, ones that are for longer than 28 days. (that is not enough time for many people and often these refer patients to sober houses or groups for aftercare where again there is little or no professional treatment) It takes a lot of work to find the good ones that fit into a family's budget if not covered in full by insurance. That is incredibly sad also.
I know it will be hard to move on, but I think you deserve something much more than this. I hope one day you can look back and know this road has led you to a happy place and peace.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
This is interesting. I did not know that there were single-sex rehabs.
I was at a meeting today where one of the people there had a son in rehab, and they had to do a lot of research before putting their son in the right rehab. They said that if the rehab does not interview the rehabilitation candidate at least four times to find out where they are "at", it isn't a good idea to choose that rehab, because it's important that the candidate for rehabilitation actually wants to stop using rather than just says that they want to stop because saying it makes people happy.
I was at a meeting today where one of the people there had a son in rehab, and they had to do a lot of research before putting their son in the right rehab. They said that if the rehab does not interview the rehabilitation candidate at least four times to find out where they are "at", it isn't a good idea to choose that rehab, because it's important that the candidate for rehabilitation actually wants to stop using rather than just says that they want to stop because saying it makes people happy.
Originally Posted by BBKazz
Many treatment centres in Canada are single sex. Here is an exerpt from the website of one of them:
"Apart from families and partners, your relationship with your peers during your stay in alcohol treatment is an important step in your recovery. We address the tendency of those struggling with alcoholism to isolate when coping with life’s challenges. By sharing their experiences and supporting others who are struggling with similar issues, clients can experience strength in numbers.
Unfortunately, sharing intimate thoughts and living together for an extended period can also be the catalyst for romance in a co-ed environment. Men and women in early recovery are particularly vulnerable to jumping into unhealthy relationships. This can have a devastating impact on marriages and have a “triangulating” effect in the peer group where jealousy and rivalries can start. Our alcohol treatment program is intentionally male-only so that clients can experience the power of the peer group in a safe environment."
(Sunshine Coast Health Centre)
So as much as people's choices are their own, etc. there is a greater chance of heterosexual "rehab romances" happening when the treatment facilities are co-ed.
My loved one is in a single sex treatment centre currently.
"Apart from families and partners, your relationship with your peers during your stay in alcohol treatment is an important step in your recovery. We address the tendency of those struggling with alcoholism to isolate when coping with life’s challenges. By sharing their experiences and supporting others who are struggling with similar issues, clients can experience strength in numbers.
Unfortunately, sharing intimate thoughts and living together for an extended period can also be the catalyst for romance in a co-ed environment. Men and women in early recovery are particularly vulnerable to jumping into unhealthy relationships. This can have a devastating impact on marriages and have a “triangulating” effect in the peer group where jealousy and rivalries can start. Our alcohol treatment program is intentionally male-only so that clients can experience the power of the peer group in a safe environment."
(Sunshine Coast Health Centre)
So as much as people's choices are their own, etc. there is a greater chance of heterosexual "rehab romances" happening when the treatment facilities are co-ed.
My loved one is in a single sex treatment centre currently.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I have not thought about this before, thank you for posting this.
Originally Posted by aliciagr
I actually do place some responsibility on the rehabs for this issue. Because addiction affects the brain, which affects the emotions, along with logic and reason. Many rehabs do throw people in together, with staff who are really not medical or psych professionals.. Ive even heard of places where the staff gets it on with the patients. Picking a rehab is serious business and I feel this way because one we picked without much research was terrible, and he ended up not staying. There are rehabs that are not co-ed. and ones that handle dual diagnosis, mental health issues, ones that are for longer than 28 days. (that is not enough time for many people and often these refer patients to sober houses or groups for aftercare where again there is little or no professional treatment) It takes a lot of work to find the good ones that fit into a family's budget if not covered in full by insurance. That is incredibly sad also.
I know it will be hard to move on, but I think you deserve something much more than this. I hope one day you can look back and know this road has led you to a happy place and peace.
I know it will be hard to move on, but I think you deserve something much more than this. I hope one day you can look back and know this road has led you to a happy place and peace.
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