Kw0920

I am literally exhausted and feeling so many things...the one thing i am thinking the most right now is the shame...the shame and guilt of wanting to even try to save what i can of my marriage...knowing i don't have any confidence or trust in my AH..to stay sober..to not hurt us again. We are in two very different spots right now...he is spewing anything that comes into his mind..about me..about our marriage...about what he is No longer going to do...in his words "settle" anymore...and then he wants to either work on our marriage on us or "he is done" i mean..what? I cannot even express the turmoil i am going through emotionally....i am sick over it and so very very tired. When do i decide it is time to let go and live for me..to take care of me...when do i decide that is ok! I can say it all i want to everyone else...just can't say it to him...

Chevfb7

This is exactly where I am at! Word for word it's so me. I don't have any wise words of advice, but I just wanted to let you know I'm exhausted too and you aren't alone.

hearthealth

There was something that kept me attached to husband even though I was telling everyone how done and tired I was of him. I don't know what it was but I truly wasn't completely done with him or I would have been able to tell him I was done. Maybe for me, it was thinking this time things were going to be fixed.

When I'm ready to break the ties then it will be over.

dandylion

To me, I think we have to come to acceptance, first. Acceptance of the true reality of the situation. To live in the reality and not the fantasy of what we want it to be.

Soulful

I have been in this toxic cycle for 10 years. Realistically speaking, when I first met AH, we were partying so I was also indulging in drugs, mind you I never did cocaine in my life. I used to drink, smoke marijuana, the occasional ecstasy pill.

I saw that his friends were doing it in his place, but he swore he never did it, although there were instances where he would disappear for days, but I didn't really question much since we were just dating really.

I eventually stopped partying all together and this is when the friction began.
When we decided to get serious about our relationship, I figured that maybe his partying ways would slow down. They didn't, and this caused a lot of fights and he kept telling me that I was controlling and that I should be more "cool". It really played with my mind, so I did my best to be "cool". The cycle got worse, especially when we got married, because this is when we talked (and we BOTH agreed) to have a kid. Little did I know that I was going to experience this pregnancy and raising this child alone. Now, he was in the home, but not really present, if you know what I mean.

The cycle has been going on and on and on and to answer your question, I am not sure how you know when to stop it. I just know because I am simply completely emotionally detached from it and I am counting down until I kick him out and I am making plans of how to redo the apartment. I also know I am done, because I felt like an ice cube the last couple of times he got home all coked out and unable to stand up. I would scream and yell and try to reason with him, cry and make him see how hurt I am. These couple of times I just went through the mechanical motion of opening the gate, closing his bedroom door and pretending I never even went through that. We have been sleeping in separate rooms since our son was born, so that's 5 years.

It's almost as though in my head, I am already divorced, I just have to also make that into reality.

What makes you afraid to end the relationship? Because not being able to tell him just says to me that you are afraid of being alone/without him. The thing is, you are already alone, he is not there emotionally.

Mango blast

(((Hugs)))

atalose

Sounds like he was able to voice his opinions, his wants, needs and his future plan of not settling anymore.

You on the other hand can’t seem to even muster the words to speak to your husband about your feelings about your wants or needs so working on the marriage doesn’t seem possible.

You can decide anytime you want to let go, to live for you, take care of you. Why do you think you are not worth all of that?

Kw0920

Thank you so much everyone...So much of what everyone has said has hit me somehow...knowing I am not alone in the feelings...knowing that people stay...and we all don't know why...
And yes...I know we all leave when we are ready...even if we "have been gone" for a while anyways. I just got a couple new books to start reading...and am looking forward to diving in ...."The dilemma of the alcoholic marriage" and " Discovering Choices: Our Recovery in Relationships". I am going to counseling on Monday with someone new...and you all...my Al-anon meetings...my friends...I am so grateful for just knowing someone is right there....
My heart is just so sick of being broken....I am so sad that I am again at the realization that I am not someone's choice...for this marriage it is the other women...not just the drinking....I have been told that "i should remember that the AH is acting like his other version of himself in active drinking" and that it is not the same person that he is when he is in recovery...but I don't think I can truly ever forgive the cheating..the seeking of other women. I know deep down that I can and will probably never trust him again...and that is the hardest part...that is where i feel the most shame...the cheating...it is what hurts the most..

I know this was all over the place...but just getting out so many thoughts...

53500

It's very hurtful for sure. It is NOT your fault, it does NOT reflect on you in any way shape or form. It's on him. It is said often on this forum, alcoholism and cheating are two different things. A person can be guilty of both, of course, but there are plenty of As who don't cheat and plenty of cheaters who don't drink.

If he's inclined to cheat, well that's just who he is. Maybe he thinks sleeping around shows what an awesome stud he is, stokes his self-esteem. Whatever the reason, it is NOT a deficiency in you. It's in him.

::hugs:: to you kw..

Kw0920

None of it reflects on you. Truly it doesn't. He's a bit of a mess with serious low self esteem. You were his choice for sure it's just that his head hasn't worked out that it's nothing out there that will help him feel better....he has to do that work himself. In a sense it won't matter who he ends up with, he'll always feel unfulfilled...until he starts working out how to value himself, for himself.

You're doing brilliantly taking all those steps....keep going!![/QUOTE]

This..exactly this