Is this "normal"?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Is this "normal"?
The rollercoaster of emotions, deceit, heartbreak and disappointments have been going on for YEARS. I remember the first time I kicked him out, the thousands of emails I sent him, messages, meetings... I was trying to hard to make him understand what he is doing.
So many times I would cry to him and share my vulnerability and tell him how much I was hurting from all of this. So many times I would ask to sit down and create boundaries so we both be happy.
I feel nothing now. I am honestly forcing myself to cry, because I feel it's not normal to feel so indifferent about this. When he would come home at 7am, I would stay up and try to reason with him, cry, yell, get mad... The last time he came home like that, I just simply opened the door, gave him a glass of water, closed the door and spoke ZERO words. I spoke ZERO words to him since then and I have no desire to justify or explain anything to him.
I just simply don't care about his existence. I actually sleep with ear plugs on (I co sleep with my son and have been doing so since he was born, so 5 years now). I sleep with ear plugs because I don't want to know when he is coming home, I don't want to even hear his breath. I turn off my phone, because I really don't even want to receive any calls in case anything awful happens to him.
Is this normal to feel this detached? I am asking because I loved this man so much. I was SO in love with him and I have forgiven him many times because I loved him. (well, reading all the posts that were in the previous post I made made me realize I didn't really love HIM, I loved the idea of what we could have had.
I am just simply numb and counting down until Dec 14th when he is leaving to see his family so I can change the locks. I feel stone cold and I am not sure why that is or what's going on with me. Shouldn't I feel sad? Angry? Shouldn't I scream like I used to?
So many times I would cry to him and share my vulnerability and tell him how much I was hurting from all of this. So many times I would ask to sit down and create boundaries so we both be happy.
I feel nothing now. I am honestly forcing myself to cry, because I feel it's not normal to feel so indifferent about this. When he would come home at 7am, I would stay up and try to reason with him, cry, yell, get mad... The last time he came home like that, I just simply opened the door, gave him a glass of water, closed the door and spoke ZERO words. I spoke ZERO words to him since then and I have no desire to justify or explain anything to him.
I just simply don't care about his existence. I actually sleep with ear plugs on (I co sleep with my son and have been doing so since he was born, so 5 years now). I sleep with ear plugs because I don't want to know when he is coming home, I don't want to even hear his breath. I turn off my phone, because I really don't even want to receive any calls in case anything awful happens to him.
Is this normal to feel this detached? I am asking because I loved this man so much. I was SO in love with him and I have forgiven him many times because I loved him. (well, reading all the posts that were in the previous post I made made me realize I didn't really love HIM, I loved the idea of what we could have had.
I am just simply numb and counting down until Dec 14th when he is leaving to see his family so I can change the locks. I feel stone cold and I am not sure why that is or what's going on with me. Shouldn't I feel sad? Angry? Shouldn't I scream like I used to?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I do think it's normal. I definitely got to this place as well. The switch in your brain has flipped, and you just cannot flip it back. You spend YEARS trying and trying, obsessing, trying to control, crying, hurting, all of the hurts that come with addiction. Eventually, I think we just get worn out of it all.
We get married or have relationships to have a partner. Not to have to mother our partner, but to be with someone who gives back to the relationship also. When that role changes, the partnership dissolves.
Big hugs.
We get married or have relationships to have a partner. Not to have to mother our partner, but to be with someone who gives back to the relationship also. When that role changes, the partnership dissolves.
Big hugs.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Soulful.
Perhaps your detachment comes from a place of acceptance.
You have accepted that this is who he is..
No amount of crying, explaining, justifying, and angry words wil change this behavior.
You, however, have changed yours.
Of course, there is sadness beneath the numbness and detachment.
Someone you loved and had a life with just isn’t there for you, and that hurts.
Time to move on, I think.
Peace and good thoughts.
Perhaps your detachment comes from a place of acceptance.
You have accepted that this is who he is..
No amount of crying, explaining, justifying, and angry words wil change this behavior.
You, however, have changed yours.
Of course, there is sadness beneath the numbness and detachment.
Someone you loved and had a life with just isn’t there for you, and that hurts.
Time to move on, I think.
Peace and good thoughts.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Welcome it, yes? Detachment is your friend...as is determination.
Sooner or later, love wears out. When we are scorned, diminished, and exploited enough...it’s healthy to stop caring about him and start putting you and your child first.
Sooner or later, love wears out. When we are scorned, diminished, and exploited enough...it’s healthy to stop caring about him and start putting you and your child first.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I used to be very enmeshed and codependent with my husband. When I learnt to detach from him and put my focus on myself it was a great relief.
I work my programs and keep my side of the street clean. AH does what he does.
Our finances are separate which supports my sense of security.
I work my programs and keep my side of the street clean. AH does what he does.
Our finances are separate which supports my sense of security.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
I think so as well. I wish I could make him disappear, alas we have a child together, so he will be in that part of my life at least. I am sure I will forgive him and I am sure things will "normalize", but for now, I need to stay in the present and the present offers me no emotions.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
I do think it's normal. I definitely got to this place as well. The switch in your brain has flipped, and you just cannot flip it back. You spend YEARS trying and trying, obsessing, trying to control, crying, hurting, all of the hurts that come with addiction. Eventually, I think we just get worn out of it all.
Big hugs.
Big hugs.
At the time, I was a little shocked by how abrupt it was - I went from "I'm being torn apart inside because the person I love so much is treating me badly" to "I am done and I don't really care what happens to this person" almost instantaneously. In hindsight, I think that the switch had been flipping slowly for months - I was "ready to be done" for a long time before I allowed myself that conscious thought.
I had a lot of anger and sadness come up later, but in that moment, detachment was what I needed to move me forward and detachment was what I got.
So I don't think it's abnormal at all. Emotions come and go in ways which don't always make sense to our conscious selves.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Shouldn't I feel sad? Angry? Shouldn't I scream like I used to?
feel what you feel, not what you think you SHOULD feel. we all spend way too much time trying to second guess our thoughts and emotions, like there is some algorithm or scientific formula to it all.
you have BEEN sad
you have BEEN angry
you HAVE screamed
now..........you're not. you are in a different place. you have a different perspective. you may be entering into a state of balance.....
feel what you feel, not what you think you SHOULD feel. we all spend way too much time trying to second guess our thoughts and emotions, like there is some algorithm or scientific formula to it all.
you have BEEN sad
you have BEEN angry
you HAVE screamed
now..........you're not. you are in a different place. you have a different perspective. you may be entering into a state of balance.....
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 15
Soulful, I can relate to your feelings so much. For a long time I started to detach myself from him; it started blocking his facebook so I couldn't see him posting anything, he likes to vent about his feelings there and I was always looking to run away from them; it stayed blocked since the first year of our rs and still is. Then, deleting him from my phone all together because I couldn't even dare to think I could call him when he was gone. Living together I went to bed just like you do now, earphones, blacked out room and under sleeping pills so I couldn't see, hear, feel anything. He was always saying I didn't care about him, but I knew I shut him out because I cared TOO MUCH and couldn't handle his presence anywhere.
Our brain is smart and knows how to regulate our emotions and actions so we don't end up insane.
Our brain is smart and knows how to regulate our emotions and actions so we don't end up insane.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Today he told me that I am not dealing with this maturely. I asked him to stop smoking marijuana in the home and if he doesn't stop, I have to contact the authorities. I have asked him several times to stop doing that and of course he has ignored my request. It is very dramatic, I know, but I am tired of drugs in the house.
He called me immature and told me that we have to work together for Ariyan, he is not a bad guy and that it's not nice to threaten him with police.
He certainly knows how to push my buttons, but I decided to let him know I have the right to contact the police if I feel my safety is compromised. Calling me immature made me rage inside, but I didn't react. I just told him I have enough evidence to prove he is a drug addict and I kindly asked him to not speak to me again until he is gone.
He called me immature and told me that we have to work together for Ariyan, he is not a bad guy and that it's not nice to threaten him with police.
He certainly knows how to push my buttons, but I decided to let him know I have the right to contact the police if I feel my safety is compromised. Calling me immature made me rage inside, but I didn't react. I just told him I have enough evidence to prove he is a drug addict and I kindly asked him to not speak to me again until he is gone.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 89
“Sooner or later, love wears out. When we are scorned, diminished, and exploited enough...it’s healthy to stop caring about him and start putting you and your child first.”
This.
My therapist once told me that I needed to hit rock bottom too. And that I would know when I did.
I hit it about two weeks ago. I finally built up the determination to sign the papers and pay the lawyer. And now, while the fear and uncertainty are there, I can see a future that doesn’t involve me living in a basement bedroom like a hermit. My son and I will move forward while she stays stuck in her rut.
This.
My therapist once told me that I needed to hit rock bottom too. And that I would know when I did.
I hit it about two weeks ago. I finally built up the determination to sign the papers and pay the lawyer. And now, while the fear and uncertainty are there, I can see a future that doesn’t involve me living in a basement bedroom like a hermit. My son and I will move forward while she stays stuck in her rut.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Soulful
Today he told me that I am not dealing with this maturely. I asked him to stop smoking marijuana in the home and if he doesn't stop, I have to contact the authorities. I have asked him several times to stop doing that and of course he has ignored my request. It is very dramatic, I know, but I am tired of drugs in the house.
He called me immature and told me that we have to work together for Ariyan, he is not a bad guy and that it's not nice to threaten him with police.
He certainly knows how to push my buttons, but I decided to let him know I have the right to contact the police if I feel my safety is compromised. Calling me immature made me rage inside, but I didn't react. I just told him I have enough evidence to prove he is a drug addict and I kindly asked him to not speak to me again until he is gone.
He called me immature and told me that we have to work together for Ariyan, he is not a bad guy and that it's not nice to threaten him with police.
He certainly knows how to push my buttons, but I decided to let him know I have the right to contact the police if I feel my safety is compromised. Calling me immature made me rage inside, but I didn't react. I just told him I have enough evidence to prove he is a drug addict and I kindly asked him to not speak to me again until he is gone.
He is the one behaving irrationally and like an immature teenager, not you. You are taking the necessary steps to protect yourself and your child.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 249
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
From his perspective, everything about this situation is working. He gets to do what he wants, come home whenever, abuse his family to keep you in line. Of course he's going to attack anything that threatens his cushy existence. I heard every crazy thing under the sun after I left my ex, it was all my fault and I was horrible, etc. It's pretty standard, the script blaming everyone else for their bad behavior and choices.
He is the one behaving irrationally and like an immature teenager, not you. You are taking the necessary steps to protect yourself and your child.
He is the one behaving irrationally and like an immature teenager, not you. You are taking the necessary steps to protect yourself and your child.
I am asking this because I am confident you probably heard this too and this is the only button that gets me to still react.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Soulful
How did you act (I can't say react, because reacting is giving them the power) when your ex said to you that he is a good guy and you are making him into a monster for nothing?
I am asking this because I am confident you probably heard this too and this is the only button that gets me to still react.
I am asking this because I am confident you probably heard this too and this is the only button that gets me to still react.
The problem was always everything _but_ alcohol. Ludicrous, but that was how he needed to think to live that way. He had/has a major investment in _not_ "getting it" because he doesn't want to make any real changes. Just pay lip service, manipulate, threaten and make token gestures to ensure that enabling continues.
Nobody "turns anyone" into anything. No one "makes" anyone feel, do or say anything. At this point, my ex is just ridiculous and sad. Time, distance, finding similar stories on SR and working the steps in my Al Anon program have given me perspective.
ETA: You don't have any obligation to warn him that if he engages in behavior that endangers the household, you will call the police. That is something a grown man should already understand.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
This is very normal. I've posted about it once before. It's when you are just so worn out that you actually just shut down. You re trying so hard to hold it together and then one day, you flatline. You numb out. You feel nothing. The first couple of years I remember being crazy, acting crazy, crying, roaming the streets at 2am looking for him, bargaining, panicking when the phone didn't ring and I knew he was off on a bender. I would scream and cry and fight. Then as they happened more frequently it slowed down, I stopped reacting. I'm not so sure it was something I learned to do, rather than something by body did on auto-pilot. And for all the make ups, that slowed down too. All of the promises and forgiveness and words stopped meaning anything at all. They got to the point where when I heard them I would wince because I had heard them so many times before. I was just done. I couldn't even stand his touch anymore. My body was rejecting it too. I went numb.
Sure I still cared when he disappeared that he was really dead this time, but otherwise I just went about my life, quite happily too. Eventually nothing he did meant anything to me. Even when I found more evidence that he was cheating once again, I didn't care much. It hurt a little bit , sure. But it hurt me more because I was still in the mess and still dealing with someone who had no intention of changing. Basically, I didn't really care if he was sleeping around. I didn't really care anymore about anything except getting away.
If you've ever seen the great film 'Revolutionary Road', I was Kate Winslet in the end after Leonardo confessed that he had been cheating. I just didn't care.
You're feelings are normal. They are an awakening.
Sure I still cared when he disappeared that he was really dead this time, but otherwise I just went about my life, quite happily too. Eventually nothing he did meant anything to me. Even when I found more evidence that he was cheating once again, I didn't care much. It hurt a little bit , sure. But it hurt me more because I was still in the mess and still dealing with someone who had no intention of changing. Basically, I didn't really care if he was sleeping around. I didn't really care anymore about anything except getting away.
If you've ever seen the great film 'Revolutionary Road', I was Kate Winslet in the end after Leonardo confessed that he had been cheating. I just didn't care.
You're feelings are normal. They are an awakening.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
When I left I'd reached the point of indifference, which is the opposite of love. I didn't care what happened to him, only relief that it was over. The point is, what are you going to do about it? Our actions speak louder than words; by staying I would have essentially been saying "It's ok."
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