Soulful

It isn't by any means my intention to keep my child away from my AH, but I feel that it is in my son's best interest to have limited communication with his father.

My AH has confused and disappointed my 5 year old many times. He would either be too coked out to play with him, wake him up early morning while banging on the entrance door, because he was too drunk to know how to unlock it, he would neglect him while I was on business trips and leave him alone in the home (my son was found by my neighbour crying at the window and asking for help), drive under the influence with him in the car and so on. At my son's 5th birthday party, he drove under the influence of cocaine and alcohol and he threatened us to get in the car, verbally abusing us and yelling at my son and calling me names in front of him.

Not something I want my son to continue experiencing any longer. Dec 14th is when I am kicking him out and I wish I could make my AH disappear forever, never speak to him again, but unfortunately we have a son together.

How can I responsibly keep this man away from my son? I live in Mexico and my AH is going back to Toronto for Christmas to visit his family. It would be in everyone's best interest if he stayed in Toronto, but I can't force him to make that decision. How do I keep this awful man away from my son?

Mango blast

Prayer. Take the rest of this one day at a time.

So far with this, I've found much support for my son and I, much knowledge about what I'm dealing with and many options I haven't had to use, yet. Professionals and volunteers who specialize in addiction/dysfunction/abuse and family protection.

With relying on prayer, the people I need in my life started showing up as I needed them. Much like the saying, "when the student is ready, the teacher appears" pray helps to ready my mind and heart to accept and look forward to having help. Pray also opens my eyes to options I was unable or not willing to see.

In that, somehow.... everything keeps falling into place. Addiction is chronic, progressive and very self-centered. It's also very counter-intuitive... this is where prayer guides me instead of logic. Alcoholism, recovery (including mine from being exposed to the chaos) and LIFE itself are illogical. How prayer works is illogical.... so I pray to embrace the illogical.

Ariesagain

Find out what your rights are. i’m not sure whether your marriage falls under Mexican law or Canadian, but it’s worth a consultation with a local lawyer to find out.

I found that the Mexican culture was very kind to and protective of children...way back when I was one. Having the local legal and law enforcement communities on your side could be a big help if he does decide to come back to your area.

I’m sorry both of you are going through this.

Maudcat

Hi, Soulful.
I agree with Aries.
Contact an attorney to find out how you can best protect your son.
It sounds like your spouse has endangered and neglected your son plenty.
If he returns to Mexico from Toronto and continues contact after you have separated, document everything going forward.
Video, if you can., safely.
I am so very sorry for your situation.
Hugs.

dandylion

Soulful...I think that you have no other option but to turn to the legal system for that kind of advice....

Soulful

Yes, I have several videos, photos of him being out of it, also how he parked the car after he drove it under the influence. Of course my neighbour frantically calling me while I was in New York for business during the meeting asking me where I was, I have saved all the messages from her. I saved everything.

I have reached out to a lawyer and setup an appointment for Tuesday. She is a good friend of my best friend and definitely trust her guidance.

Thank you. I have been putting this off for YEARS, but my son is growing up and it is getting harder to hide my AH's addiction.

Mango blast

There is no hiding it. Kids know way more than we realize.

From their point of view, being lied to adds to the confusion... when what they're seeing and knowing is being negated again and again.

Being honest doesn't mean being cruel... it doesn't mean we need to complicate things with emotions or big explanations. Being able to know our own truth of what's going on and no longer trying to hide it from ourselves or our children is FREEING.

(((Hugs)))

Soulful

Absolutely! I was going insane trying to keep peace in the home and even when I felt I did everything right, he still used. It was very confusing to me, because when I was angry at him, I could justify it in my confused head that it was my fault. (it wasn't but you know, it sort of made sense in an illogical way that I caused him to do cocaine because I was angry and I was stressing him out). But when I did nothing wrong and he still used, that just completely messed me up and I started to have an issue differentiating between reality and denial.

OpheliaKatz

Soulful, I will pray for you and the safety of your son.

Maudcat

It’s the other way round, Soulful.
You were angry because he was using cocaine.
Addicts love to blame others.

hopeful4

Get to an attorney, pronto!

Soulful

I didn’t see it that way for the longest time. I do tend to have a pretty strong personality, so my AH used that to blackmail me. I need to be more relaxed, less angry... etc

I realized that strong personality does not equal angry. I was only angry when it came to dealing with his abuse and addiction.

Hope I find some peace with the lawyer tomorrow. I feel nothing, just pure numbness still.

hopeful4

Just keep moving forward, one step at a time. We are here with you.

Many hugs!