atalose

Now is the time during your healing to figure out your part in this relationship and why you gave so much of yourself and your finances to someone you say didn’t need it. Why did you hold on knowing his bad behavior towards you was uncaring and unloving. Why did hearing his words matter so much more to you then the reality of his actions.

You are never going to get answers to his why’s, alcohol or not, he has issues, but you certainly can begin to answer your own why’s and learn from this experience.

BrunetteBabe05

Thank you all. Hugs back to you all. I appreciate the support so much because people seem to get frustrated with me a lot. I guess because I repeat myself. It is sad because it took him 6 months to even date me then a week after I lost my virginity to him. He was such a gentleman and I thought I found "the one". He was trying so hard to date me for 6 months. Me and my now deceased friend Shayla hung around him for those 6 months I knew him every single day. He would send flowers to my house, buy me random stuff, take me out to fancy restaurants, and say "It's just a friend date, don't worry." He wouldn't expect anything in return. He was a good friend to me, but like I said I did not like how he treated Shayla. That was his ex and they lost both of their virgnities together when they were 18, and dated for 3 years, then remained platonic friends for the next 6 years.

I was hesitant on dating him because I had loyalty to Shayla and I didn't like how he treated her. My therapist told me I "trauma bonded" with him when Shayla died. He was the next closest person to her, and I clung onto him because I lost my best friend who I loved and adored so much. So because of vulnerability I lost my virginity to him. I bet if Shayla was alive I would still be putting him off.

He was so caring, compassionate, and amazing. Literally what I would describe as the "perfect man". He was always talking to me, didn't push sex, he wanted me to feel comfortable, and do it when it's right. I really thought I was cautious and hit the jackpot because it is uncommon for a guy to chase a girl for 6 months and not push sex. I thought it was "true love" then. Stupid me. I was trying to avoid what every girl seemed to go through and that is regretting their first. That is why I was SO cautious where Shayla would laugh and say "You could give him a good night kiss for god sakes!" It was about another guy. Me and Shayla always double dated with guys. That is how cautious I was. I wouldn't even kiss a guy unless I knew "it was the right one". I guess I am weird but I just didn't want a broken heart, but boy is that a joke now. I still ended up with one.

I am so mad because I was so cautious and didn't fall for the first guy that gave me attention. I was hurt my whole life and I was mentally abused by my father, brother, and grandfather. I saw what my cousins went through with significant others, and that also made me super cautious. I just wanted my true love and now I am shattered completely because I feel like I failed myself more than anything because I had such STRONG values and morals on love and relationships.

I just hate how everything turned from being perfect to vile. It all breaks my heart. I fee like I can not trust anyone because he just used me. I am so heartbroken that I don't even know what to say anymore. Thank you for the advice on him and his disease. I appreciate it. <3 You all are amazing.

Well on a side note the jackass ex contacted me through WhatsApp it's a phone app so I can talk to my friends that are in other countries and face time them and what not. Well, he called me under his spare phone he has. It's a government phone. He's so stupid though because I have it under "Jake's Spare Phone", so I guess he thought he would be slick contacting me through that spare phone, and thinking I don't know the number. I wont have if it wasn't for me saving it under his name lol, but I obviously didn't answer it. I am mind boggled by him and his actions. He just keeps making me hate him more and more.

kodi

Hi brunettebabe

What you felt were REAL feelings no matter how genuine he was from his side. This is what is head scratching because it was genuine and real to you but from his side is the questions.

You sound blindsided by all this happening plus what is happening now. Thats a lot of emotion to deal with at once and they all take time to heal. For myself I took years to work through my emotions. While with my ex and also after we broke up.

Addiction affects anyone, bad or good. Don't personalise what he is affected by.

You fell hard for someone who it's not working out with - your job now is dealing with the aftermath. What needs healing and how go heal it. Falling in love with the wrong person happens to the best of us, don't be hard on yourself but DONT make it okay to tolerate anymore. That's on you and make your priority now.

I also feel strongly you have some abandonment or trauma from childhood. Even subconsciously. You mentioned the mental abuse from dad and granddad but you are tolerating a whole a lot of other behaviours and attaching severely to the ex. I suspect there is more to it.

We tolerate what we know to be normal and we deal with things how we best learnt too. Please look back before your ex if there is someone in your life regarding this.

I'm glad you have a counselor perhaps you can add some other things in to complement the therapy.

atalose

Now you have 1 more phone # to block. I’m glad you are continuing therapy, your counselor is helping you see things more clearly.

No new contact = no new hurts!!!

HardLessons

Hi BB

I am sorry for what you are going through. I am very sorry for your experience.

Somewhere in this thread you asked if anyone going through this now can relate to what happened to you.

I'm am several months in - now out of a relationship with an addict since beginning of June. So I am a few months farther along than you. I was involved in a very ugly situation.

My situation was different from yours but yet, it is the same. I totally understand what you are going through.

My humble short term advice - totally remove yourself from this situation. Get this guy out of your life. I clearly understand from reading your posts that you are hurting badly. Get away from him so you can begin to work on yourself. Get out of the trenches.

The above advice is what I did for myself. I am not saying its an easy road from there. But at least the drama ends & you can begin to heal.

Let me know if you have questions.

Thanks

NYCDoglvr

Finding a new, more willing, enabler is typical alcoholic behavior. The person you're describing isn't anyone suited to a healthy relationship and while you're understandably in pain I see it as a positive step for you. Alanon was a lifesaver for me in learning to detach and make better choices.

LLLisa

I apologise if my reference to a politician upset you.

I will not apologise for attempting to give a very real example of how girls and women are objectified, used and mistreated by some men and how many of us feel ashamed of being treated this way when we have done nothing wrong.

Virginity is not some "prize" that a young woman should feel ashamed about "giving away" to a man who then mistreats her. In my opinion, it's a construct designed by society to control the sexuality of women and girls. If this in any way assists the OP to deal with a shame she does not deserve then I think I have helped.

BrunetteBabe05

Thank you so much!!! Love and hugs to you. I am so glad you were able to get out of your horrible and ugly situation. Thank you for your advice and kindness. I will try. <3

BrunetteBabe05

Thank you so much Sylvie. Your wisdom, advice and kind words made me cry (in a good way lol). You are so informative and compassionate. Thank you for everything and your perspective. Love and hugs to you. <3

BrunetteBabe05

Thank you all for the support. I am crying from happiness that you all are so nice and not degrading me at all, and so non judgmental about my situation. You don't know how much it means to me. <3 My mother is very supportive, but my friends aren't. They kinda have that attitude "You knew what you were getting into." Not really because he conned me into thinking every time he would change, and he conned me into thinking he was a good man. So, it hurts that they aren't supportive, nor are they understanding, but it's great to know I have support on here. <3

Well...my ex won't quit. He messaged my mother on facebook from another account saying "I miss my baby. All I do is think of her 24/7. I miss her so bad. I just want her back, but I know that will never happen. She was my everything." My mother just wrote back "Yeah it's a shame, but it's time to move on. Good luck to you. Bye." And blocked his account.

He then messaged me from a different number on my WhatsApp. Not even from the spare phone, and he called me. I didn't know who it was so I didn't answer. He then texted me through WhatsApp and said "Hey, it's Jake. I heard you have been going through alot lately. I wanted to check in on you. I am not in love with you anymore, I always viewed you as a friend." I thought how can you go from saying you want me back and I am "your baby", to "I am not in love with you anymore." three hours later? Also ALWAYS viewed me as a friend? How dare he? I texted him back to leave me alone. I said "I am not your friend and you caused drama in my life because I had to press charges on your bro's gf because she wouldn't stop texting me. You are nothing but a trouble maker, a manipulator, and a liar. The law will be involved if you continue to contact me". He said "I am sick of your threats. I will file a police report on you if you keep threatening me. You cant even make this break up peaceful. You aren't the women I met years ago."

I am making this break up peaceful because I am not contacting him and staying away. He is psychotic if he thinks I would ever be friends with him and he shouldn't want me as a friend. Apparently this older woman he knows doesn't even have his phone number. They met one time at the club he was at, and he said he was going to that club to see if he would see her again. So, they didn't even exchange numbers. He just wants to try and see her again so he can use her. He said to the room mate "I just need this woman to take care of me."

All he does is flip flop, and doesn't even have the decency to apologize to me for starting trouble by telling his brother a personal text I sent to my ex, and starting trouble to the point of the brother and his girlfriend texting me. She wouldn't stop and was insulting me so badly that I cried, and filed harassment charges on her. So, he has a lot of nerve to even contact me through a different number through my app, and ask how I am? He should be apologizing for causing drama in my life. I am so heartbroken and my depression is just getting worse. I literally can't function and taking a shower is a struggle. Why is he doing this to me? And flip flopping. It's so crazy.

SparkleKitty

Please stop communicating with him at all. Let yourself heal, stop picking at the scab.

No new contact = no new hurts.

BrunetteBabe05

I understand everything you are saying. I read the sticky notes Dandylion sent me, and some you sent me. I read up on all this info, but nothing sinks in. As I said before in this thread, it's like I look for personal experiences, and personal knowledge, than general knowledge. The articles and sticky notes are extremely helpful but because I really have no outlet to express my pain, I come on here to vent and see what people say. I don't disregard anything you all are saying. I am trying SO hard to forget about him. I really am, but no matter what I do, I can't get past this pain and sadness. I am severely depressed and I never been that depressed in my life. Everything is a HUGE task. I feel exhausted and practically sleep all day. I am trying to find a job but I have no motivation for ANYTHING! I never felt this low in my life. I understand and I agree, it's just hard for me, and I am just venting and expressing my pain. I know I shouldn't care what he does, but it's so fresh. It hasn't been two months yet. I think if he were to say hurtful crap like what he's saying and do the things he's doing now like 4 or 5 months later, I probably wouldn't care or think about it. He just keeps adding more fuel to the fire in such a short amount of time. It'd be one thing if he was doing this like a long time down the road.

He plays with my head and feelings. He says one thing and says another. He flip flops. It really hurt me when he said he "always" viewed me as a friend, as if our relationship was just a friendship for two years??? That was so hurtful. I know that he wanted to be friends, and that's even more hurtful. How could you want to be friends with someone you were "so in love" with and they were your "soulmate"? That makes no sense. I am trying to ignore it and chalk it up to his disease, but I seem to obsess even when I am trying to convince myself this is all his disease. i just keep saying to myself "Don't concentrate on what he's saying. He's out of his mind. He's a drunk." etc. It seems to not work. It's crazy and I am just a mess. Thank you for the support. <3

honeypig

BB, getting ready for work, so I'm short on time, but I think if you read these rules and follow them, you'll see improvement:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...act-rules.html (No Contact Rules)

There are a number of "no contact" threads going right now, that you can find w/o even leaving page 1 of the F&F section.

Alanon?

It might feel like it, but this is NOT going to kill you. The sun will rise and you will go to your job and life will go on all around you. As time passes, you'll rejoin the flow. Not discounting your pain or fear; I am well acquainted w/both. But it's based on exactly that, that makes me say "it won't kill you."

You're gonna be OK. Just keep on going one day at a time. And do not break no contact!

teatreeoil007

Brunette Babe:

I'm so sorry you are feeling so low. Part of your depression is just purely from the break-up as break ups are hard no matter the circumstance. You could break up and have it be as a slow let down (being let down "easy", as opposed to hard) and it would still hurt and you would feel at least somewhat down. But, here you are broke up and the circumstances sound awful.

I agree with others that it's best to go completely no contact, and don't even allow yourself to "hear" from a third party how he's doing or what he's up to.

My take: His new relationship with the older woman is a rebound type thing and he's in the early stages of all relationships in which there is a certain amount of just plain old infatuation. But that usually doesn't last anyways...he'll get tired of her or she'll get tired of him and providing for him....but who knows what's going on in the mind of someone in active addiction. It sounds pretty sick if you ask me!

What kind of normal man wants to be dependent on a woman 30 years older than himself to "provide" for him? Hmm? What kind of man does that? Ask yourself if these are his true colors? Aren't you turned off by that? I mean, really, what kind of man does that? And, who knows....he may want to get back at you so is setting things up for maximum impact and wants word to get round about back to you just to hurt you.

Cut all ties with him, including perhaps his friends that he keeps in touch with. Block everything.... including social media, etc....everything...so there is no way you even have "hear" about him.

PuzzledHeart

I know I'm late to the conversation, but as LLisa said virginity is highly overrated.

I have not been around the block. I have swum the entire island. My "number" is higher than my husband's, and frankly he doesn't give a flying hoot. He didn't care that I walked into our relationship with TWO broken engagements. I spent so much time stressing out that it was going to be a big deal. It most definitely wasn't. He definitely did not give a flying f@#$ (no pun intended).

This is what I got out of all the heartbreak - a taste of what DOESN'T work so I could most definitely avoid it in the future. The repeated experience of getting my heart trashed in the gutter and learning how to put myself back together. But also the realization that I couldn't take the right person for granted when he walked into my life.

By that point, most of my friends were already married and I started feeling like a bit of a freak. Now, I look back at that period with so much nostalgia. I spent so much of my time not dating, and instead just did things. There was a time where I sang with multiple bands, rode my bike on multi-day trips, hiked, travelled to Europe ( I flew in the off-seasons and stayed in hostels - definitely couldn't afford the hotels!), took acting classes, and just plain lived. I had a day job and occasional side gigs to keep things going.

I know I'm sounding like a broken record here, but I really do believe that the time you spend figuring out what YOUR dreams actually are will help with your healing. You are so young - you can afford to be a bit impractical and strive for something that seems, on the surface, a bit ridiculous. If you had told me in college that I was going to end up singing in three bands I would have looked at you as if you had horns growing out of your head.

The heartache, in the end, made my life so much better and so much richer, because I was hungry to find something that gave that pain some actual meaning. Don't get me wrong. It was horrible. During my last broken engagement, I lost fifteen pounds in two weeks. My sister was begging me to eat because I just wanted to starve and die. I locked myself in the bedroom, closed the windows and door, and just wanted to live in darkness. I once woke up after somebody rang the phone, and I was so ANGRY at that person ringing up the phone because she woke me up from a dream where me and my ex-fiance were still together. I cried such hot bitter tears.

So here I am, and here you are. You can get through this. It's not going to take days. It's not going to take weeks. It may take a longer time than either of us want. But I bet one day before you know it you'll be counseling someone you love, someone whose heart has been broken, and your advice will be steady and true because you actually lived through that pain, and you made it to the other side.

teatreeoil007

It's hard to say if it's his alcoholism or just him that is hurting you so much. He could treat you badly, even if he wasn't an addict. And I know many alcoholics who are faithful to their partners.....but he's proven to you more than a few things here. Not the least of which is he's putting stock in materialistic things....he values the rich lady for some reason and as much as that hurts to know he chooses that...it's what he is choosing to do right now.

But I have just a "hunch" that he's not only choosing her but attempting to sort of parade it in front of your nose as a parting shot at you. One way to look at this is: If he didn't give a flying crap about what you thought, he wouldn't sink to this level. He would go away more quietly. But, he seems to have almost made a conscious effort to ensure you would somehow hear what he's up to and who with.

Anyways, hon: She might have more money and things than you, but there's one thing she doesn't have that she can never hold over you and that is your age. She's 57, for goodness sakes. She's going to be dead in her grave with moth's eating away at her skeleton long before you will...just picture that next time this whole thing makes you want to cry. Sorry....that's really morbid, but it's the truth, hon. And, it's Halloween season to boot. (wink). Ok, enough of my ranting, folks.

Nata1980

Sorry you are feeling low - he just found another person to sponge off of. I feel bad for the cougar in question, too - she should know better

Can you imagine having kids with this person? Run, not walk, this is a sign from universe that it is time to move on. He is showing you exactly who he is.

teatreeoil007

How are you doing tonight, m'dear? I hope alright.

You know, it's highly likely your ex has issues aside from addiction. He may have issues with being a man or not having a good male role model in his life. Or...............he had attachment dysfunction issues with the man in his life that was SUPPOSED to be a male role model. In situations like that, those type of men form dysfunctional attachments to women inSTEAD.

Now, I may be wrong. In some cases what prevents a boy in having a healthy relationship with the male role model in his life is having a domineering mother. I'm not saying that all boys who have a domineering mother turn out like that, but it's just one theory.

In yet other cases, men who are drawn to older women have unresolved issues with their mothers...and subconsciously they seek to resolve those issues....again, it may be subconscious.

Then again, maybe he just sees a good deal and is taking advantage of it...which, if that is the case: Shame on him.

Shake the dust off your feel from this dude. He's brought you a bunch of misery. Tell yourself: "No more". No mas.

HardLessons

Hi BB

From reading your posts & the all responses, It seems you are well on your way to having a good fundamental understanding of addiction. Meaning at this point you are aware as to what you are dealing with.

It next becomes important to apply all that we learn to our own specific situation. It honestly took me a while to be able to do that. For me, I was so wrapped up in her life I didn't want to face the reality of what I had learned.

Right now, I think its important you try to make some informed decision. In the simplist of terms, you have three choices. Each of these choices have consequences. None of these choices are easy. BTW below are the same three choices I had.

1. Stay with this guy in a realationship - find out for yourself just how deep that rabbit hole goes

2. No longer see him but stay in communication with him - continue the misery, pain, & suffering all of which you clearly describe in your posts

3. Cut all contact & move on with your life - this is painful based on all that you described. Yes you are left with having to deal with many painful issues. There is however light at the end of this tunnel!

I am going through it now just as you are. I am a few months farther along than you. I am a grown man & I was on my knees from my relationship with her barely able to stand. I had to make a choice.

I started with choice #2. That didn't work out very well for me.

After getting quality advice from a lot of the very same people giving you advice on SR, I chose #3. I am not on my knees today. Am I all better - nope. I am dealing with numerous very painful issues. I am getting there & am determined to get there no matter how long it takes.

I wish you all the best. I'm very sorry you are dealing with this extremely difficult situation.

GoodguyJoel

Brunette:

Ironically I am going through something similar. My situation is that my fiance became a serious alcoholic over the past year-year and a half, and I stood by her side through it all. I tried my best to support her, and sometimes it got the better of me by the end. A two and a half months ago, she finally decided to go to a 30 day rehab program. It started well, but in the last week I was called in to have a family therapy session. She broke off the engagement, and said she was leaving. I found out the following weekend that she was leaving with a person who was in rehab that was slightly older, and a bit more wealthy than I. She lied to everyone in her life circle, and left me and our two year old pup. She left for a different state to live with him, and threw me out like trash. She treated family and friends similarly.

It has now been 1 and 1/2 months since this happened, and trust me when I say, I truly feel your pain. I am in a really tough place currently, and this situation has had me questioning life itself. Worse off, she even continued drinking with this person, and didn't take rehab/recovery seriously from what I know. We were in contact initially, but I have cut off contact since about 3 weeks ago. She has since called me a few times, and texted, never revealing anything because the texts were "call me back" or "I know you are awake," and left no messages. She is planning a big grandiose life with this new person and they plan to move to Miami together. She has had no remorse for her parents or me or the friends, but her mother is trying to keep things friendly to know she is ok.

This was the love of my life, and although each relationship is different, I believe you when you say that this person likely did love you. And throwing all the problems at alcohol, or mental issues doesn't change the actions they have taken. I have been searching for answers like an insane person, only to find I don't really have any, or at least any that I want to hear. I of course would want this person back, but its a two way street, they have to want to come back...and after what has happened, would you even want them back? I don't know that answer for myself right now.

Coming on here and speaking my mind and getting a variety of responses has truly helped me, and also puts things in perspective. As loving people, we do deserve better. It is only time that will tell whether or not the person we care for truly cares about us. Much like your situation, I have an idea that much of this has to do with getting what they need, and immediate gratification. Also, avoiding the hardships they have caused, and running off to something new and easy. A proverbial "yes man."

It seems you are further along with this than me...but I am still here. My heart is still beating (however fast and panicked it may be right now). I am alive. Day by day, step by step, I have to find a way to find myself in all of this. I know the void is impossible to fill, and you are heart broken, but as many of the fine people are saying on here, you will find someone who will love you the way you want and need to be loved. I am not there yet, but I do believe it.

I have such hard days, and some good days, but still I remain. They can't be the only focus of our lives forever, but grieving doesn't happen over night. Just please don't do anything brash, or you risk acting in a behavior much like the person you loved. This gold-digger mentality we are both dealing with is truly terrible, sad, and shows the decline of a person. We can only hope in time that they see us for who we truly are, and were to them. In the mean time, self betterment is one thing I am truly all about now, and hope you can do the same. In my searching for answers, I looked inward, and saw many flaws (to the point that I am still questioning if I did something truly wrong in the relationship), and although I fight with these emotions, I know in the end that I am not the reason for this bad behavior. I am not the reason she drank, and I am not the reason she makes bad decisions and hurts people...especially those who would have spent their lives with them loving them until our last breaths. You know inside of you that you are not the reason as well for this all. You seem like a kind person, and do deserve better. It is easy to hear that from others, just as it is easy for me to type it to someone else. Just go read my thread if you think I am speaking as though this is easy. It is not. But in a form of comradery, please know you aren't alone. Please know that if I was next you now I would give you the biggest hug and say lets hang in there, we will make it (I say this with tears in my eyes as I type).

Please take in those good days you have, and properly address the days that you don't have a good day. Talk this out with all the people on here, because it is a different form of love. A love for all good people quietly suffering, and feel alone. You are not alone my friend. You are not alone at all.