hearthealth

H medical test was today. Afterward we went to a bar/restaurant. He ordered a soda drank that and you know the rest he ordered a beer. I gently reminded him that he wasn't suppose to have alcohol for 24 hours and it's been an hour since leaving the procedure. Quack..you can't trust the doctor's. You're still unsteady a little on you're feet. Ah. I left money on the table and told him I'll be in the car. I went through the if only he appreciated all I did to get him through this... But then I reminded myself I don't need a front row seat to him circling the drain. The matter is he won't bring me the happiness I deserve out of life. I worked in the garden as he gives me the silent treatment. I'll be calling the lawyer on Monday.

qtpi

So sorry hearthealth. I know you were doing everything you could to work things out. Stay strong over the weekend and let us know how Monday goes.

dandylion

hearthealth.....I hope you can keep the angry going....lol. It is easier to be motivated while angry, sometimes....and then, when the anger settles down, one can begin to do self-doubt, all over again. one must guard against that....
I think it is good to write a list of everything in the relationship, that you can think of, that is bad in the relationship.......then, read it every time you start going to self-doubt......even if it is once, every hour!

hopeful4

I think that's a wise choice HH. Hugs.

hearthealth

This is what kept me in the marriage. Maybe he could stay sober.....NOT.
I don't think I'm anti-drinking. Though I was sitting at the establishment thinking why are these people drinking before noon not that noon should be some magical hour. Then my H askes for the drink list,illusion crushed. I wasn't angry, sad for us. I just seen the light. I just have been down this road one too many times.

AnvilheadII

while i am sorry you had to endure another disappointing event with the AH, i am really impressed by your hutzpah - that you left him IN the bar and that when you got home you busied yourself with something that WAS NOT HIM!

it's kinda like that latest pop hit - it's great the first 20 times you hear it, tolerable the next 30 times you hear it - then one day, on the 51st hearing of that damn song, you want to take a baseball bat to the radio. ENOUGH is indeed truly ENOUGH.

i hope you find ways to have a good weekend, around the drunken speed bump.

hearthealth

I just got a birthday card from, married into family, SIL. The card was about drinking. I thanked her for remembering.

The card is like salt on an open wound. I know it's denial. I threw it out but it still stinges.

dandylion

Hearthealth.....I puzzled over this post....I don't understand how it would be salt on a wound....You are not the one drinking......right?
lol...:splain it to me, Lucy....

hearthealth

I had told her everything about H drinking. She knew what a problem it's been so to send me such a card.

dandylion

hearthealth...do you think it is possible that she didn't have any negative motivation in her heart.....meant no offense?
My family sends some incredible funny cards, all the time....all kinds of sordid subjects....like being old, wrinkly, senile, being drunk, being krazy.....
And, I know that it is just trying to be funny....If I took offense at any of it ...lol..I would be offended all of the time....

I have a question....do you feel any shame if others know that your husband is an alcoholic?

hearthealth

Alcoholic no, divorce yes.

dandylion

hearthealth...let me say that there is absolutely NO shame in getting a divorce or being divorced. Not in today's world. People are allowed to make the decisions that they need to in the interest of their own welfare and that of their children.

Now, I realize that there was a time, in history when this was not always so...for women (but not for men!!!). Thank the Lord that this is no longer the norm.
I have so much respect for women, in history, who have had the courage to do the right thing for themselves....as it has paved the way for the rest of us.....

hearthealth

I possess no shame for others who make that choice. But for me it's not allowed.

Bekindalways

I so get this heart health. I have a total double standard for myself and others. It isn't fair to myself but there it is.

Also I used to be pretty judgmental about divorce as only someone who has never married can be. In the last decade, my relationship with my sister fell apart and neither of us can fix it. I get it now and have been humbled.

Can you invite that shame in and ask it to teach you whatever lesson it has for you? Kind of sit with it and listen but not react to it?

Hugs to you; this must be beyond painful.

FeelingGreat

What very wise words from Bekind. Can you try and unpack that feeling of shame by putting it into words. Start with your most judgemental feeling about divorce, and then question (not challenge) your beliefs right down to their origin.

I'm feeling for you now. I know that emotion of sad resignation that comes with finally making a decision you've avoided for a long time.

Ladybird579

I possess no shame for others who make that choice. But for me it's not allowed.
Can you articulate why you feel it's not allowed for you?

thousandwords53

Yup! Very helpful Dandy. My anger settles way to quickly.
Especially when all is 'peaceful'...this is so hard.

We got this HH

dandylion

thousandwords...I think that for those who have been in the holding pattern for years....and, are so afraid of the confrontation of actually leaving....is to be ready to fly the coop at a moment's notice....and let the anger be the "wind beneath your wings".....
Like, have every detail worked out, ahead of time....down to having you bag packed and ready to grab....Yes, it does take a lot of preplanning.
Even planning the parting words...if you must say anything.
Like..."Have your people call my people"......

SmallButMighty

I totally understand this feeling.

I held that exact belief for myself for a long time. I meant my marriage vows dammit. I am strong dammit. Our love is strong dammit. If we just get passed this next hurdle it will be clear sailing into our golden years...... until....dammit, he's still drinking, dammit I can't take this anymore... GAWDDAMMIT I deserve soooo much better than what I'm getting from him...

I know it's hard. And it was really humbling for me to realize I was going to be divorced! . I felt like a failure when I ended my decades long marriage to my AXH. He made sure of that.

I know now I didn't fail. Nobody, least of all me, should be judging the choices I had to make to get healthy in my head and happy in my heart. If Id've had a spouse that cared about his health and the state of our relationship the way I did, my marriage to him would not have ended. But it did. And that was for the best, despite the growing pains it caused all involved.

Hang in there hearthealth, you deserve to be happy.

Please be gentle and kind with yourself.

thousandwords53

"Healthy in my head, Happy in my heart"

That's beautiful. That's now the background of my phone for minute to minute reminder.