ellima01

My AH just called me- I am at work ( I work full time in an Emergency room- I also go to school fulltime) and he is talking loud and telling me "he doesn't have to live this way, " says he never has any f**king money and he's sick of it, he recently started an auto detail business out of our home- makes a little money- puts it toward groceries sometimes (ALWAYS makes sure he has cig's and whiskey)- who do you think pays the bills, ME. I pay it all- and yet he feels it necessary to yell/ vent at (to) me. I am now sitting here feeling like crap- he's out of cig's- Its all my fault- he makes my stomach hurt.
Lately I have benn totally doing the wrong things- I just don't know what to do. Three times he's asked me to pick him up whiskey- each time of course I say NO WAY- but the more he talks (ie: "I won't have to drive drinking if you'll pick it up") i have caved- three times now
plus- when did I make it my responsibility to make sure he has cig's?
I do whatever it takes to make sure he does so I don't have to hear him b**tch
help

quietsins

hes going to do what he wants to anyways.. so why have more guilt by buying the booze for him? if he decided to drink and drive. he decides it. not you. and he is going to be responsible for the consequences. not you. and lets face it... he sure is sounding just like my A.... its going to be all your fault even if you were Mother Theresa.

good luck

Ann

I am sorry you are hurting, and can only suggest that you do what is right for you. Personally, I would fulfill no request that included a threat to do something stupid and that I knew there would be no gratitude for.

It's one thing to ask you nicely, and another to call you at work and yell at you.

Think about it...only you can decide when enough is enough, and start looking after you.

Hugs
Ann

Cadence57

Ellima,
It's not your responsibilty to make sure he has his booze and smokes - if he wants them bad enough he'll figure a way to get them. Let him take responsibility for his habits -- and if he does go out and drives while drunk (and gets caught), let him own that responsibility as well. Stick to your guns - eventually he will stop asking (or bullying) you to get them.

Be Strong!

Gabe

Do you really want to live your life that way?
It's your choice you know.
And believe me, I understand doing what it takes to shut down the constant bitching. Been there, done that.
But if you perpetuate this cycle, your whole life is going to center around catering to his needs.
Next time he calls you at work to whine about what he wants you to get him, tell him you're busy, and that if he needs something, he should go get it himself.
Then, do something nice for yourself when you get off work.
Shift your focus off him and back onto you.
I promise, you will like the results.

redrose0729

I know how you fell me and my ex-husband was the same way. And the more I tried to please him just to shut him up the more he found to bitch about and whats worse he wasn't an alcholic he was just an a**hole. To give you just one example he has a skin condition and uses lotion to help the itching well only a few of them really worked according to him and he would come home from work and tell me to go out and get his lotion (it was right there at his job he could have gotten it before he left work) and if the store was out of his brand and I brought home another brand and sometimes it was a more expensive brand he would yell at me and tell me "you just did this to F**k me up" like it was my fault they were out. I found the more I did for him the more he wanted me to do for him. Finally I had enough and realized I didn't have to live that way and got out. Im not saying that is what you have to do that decision is up to you but I did just want to let you know I can understand how you feel.
Rose

jessieandme2003

I often asked myself why I did the things I did when my husband told me to. Why did I put up with it, and keep doing and giving and agreeing?

I also paid all the bills, did all the housework, and catered to his demands. Why?

I think at some point I finally faced what I didn't want to about my situation. I was doing it because I was pretty sure that if I didn't he wouldn't love me anymore. I think I knew deep down that he was with me because I did all that, and that if I didn't he would see no reason to be with me.

That scared me so I kept going.

SJW

Wow, Jessie and Me! What wonderful insight about why we do some of the things we do when we know they're not right!

Ellima, have you ever heard the phrase "we teach people how to treat us"? You've taught him that you will respond to his bullying, so he will keep it up. When you won't accept it anymore, things will change.

Let's say that Jessie is right when she says that she was afraid that if she didn't do all the things her husband wanted her to that he wouldn't see any reason to be with her. If that's what is happening with you, too, why would you choose to stay with someone that is only using you?

You deserve better. You are a good, responsible human being who deserves to be treated with respect and civility. Yet you put up with the way he treats you. You're way too good to be treated so cruelly. You're doing all the work, paying all the bills and putting up with all the crap. What is fair about that? How can that change? It won't as long as he has anything to say about it. It's a situation that's working out great for him. You can't be taken advantage of unless you allow it. Choose not to allow it! You deserve better treatment! Demand it.

SJW

Gracey

Wow:

I have taught my husband if he yells loud enough and bullys me enough, that I will do what he wants too......If I change that things will get better.......that is so me.....