What I don't miss....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 120
What I don't miss....
-finding a gas station where they don't know I'm the wife of that guy that makes 3-4 beer runs a day on weekends.
-holidays & social gatherings where I can't relax
-words with no action
-the stress of trying to put on a happy face in front of my family and the defensiveness I felt any time they asked about him
-being questioned about my fidelity when I never cheated
-a man, besides being an A, who used me to feel better about himself
-thinking that I didn't deserve better
I appreciate you all here on SR so much. Your words kind of knock me back into reality, even when I'm just reading and not posting.
-holidays & social gatherings where I can't relax
-words with no action
-the stress of trying to put on a happy face in front of my family and the defensiveness I felt any time they asked about him
-being questioned about my fidelity when I never cheated
-a man, besides being an A, who used me to feel better about himself
-thinking that I didn't deserve better
I appreciate you all here on SR so much. Your words kind of knock me back into reality, even when I'm just reading and not posting.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
My list is long what I dont miss but examples:
anxiety that was high alert ALL the freaking time - about what is and what isn't - like what mess is waiting arriving home, how drunk is he today, what surprises I have to sort out, is he and when is he going to cheat cause he avoided me all the time, is he actually at work, is he driving drunk, is he actually going to the store for groceries or is he going to the bottle store etc
Stress - calming him down if he got angry drunk, him picking fights with me when he drank, him just passing out cold after keeping to himself all evening, having to be the contact when people looking for money he wasted on drinking, always cleaning up messes etc etc
Being responsible for his part and my part of running the household
Being responsible for his part and my part of keeping the relationship going.
Being highly embarrassed by his actions - like the neighbours seeing him sitting in the car outside drunk out of his mind and family arriving when he was drunk out of his mind.
Feeling so freaking alone ALL the time - even in the same room as him. And feeling to ashamed to be honest to someone close about his drinking.
Having money be wasted by his spending habits
Dealing with his family
Feeling like I can't talk to people because he didn't want too most of the time.
Feeling like I couldnt have a social life I wanted
Not being able to focus on my goals and dreams because I had what felt like an overgrown child that needed constant attention and cleaning up after.
One of the biggest things is having my thoughts "chatter" go away. My brain worked overtime processing the constant reactions and trying to fix things. It is much much calmer now for me.
Also a biggie to me: the "scent " of an alcoholic - I still get an reaction if I'm near someone that has that smell.
anxiety that was high alert ALL the freaking time - about what is and what isn't - like what mess is waiting arriving home, how drunk is he today, what surprises I have to sort out, is he and when is he going to cheat cause he avoided me all the time, is he actually at work, is he driving drunk, is he actually going to the store for groceries or is he going to the bottle store etc
Stress - calming him down if he got angry drunk, him picking fights with me when he drank, him just passing out cold after keeping to himself all evening, having to be the contact when people looking for money he wasted on drinking, always cleaning up messes etc etc
Being responsible for his part and my part of running the household
Being responsible for his part and my part of keeping the relationship going.
Being highly embarrassed by his actions - like the neighbours seeing him sitting in the car outside drunk out of his mind and family arriving when he was drunk out of his mind.
Feeling so freaking alone ALL the time - even in the same room as him. And feeling to ashamed to be honest to someone close about his drinking.
Having money be wasted by his spending habits
Dealing with his family
Feeling like I can't talk to people because he didn't want too most of the time.
Feeling like I couldnt have a social life I wanted
Not being able to focus on my goals and dreams because I had what felt like an overgrown child that needed constant attention and cleaning up after.
One of the biggest things is having my thoughts "chatter" go away. My brain worked overtime processing the constant reactions and trying to fix things. It is much much calmer now for me.
Also a biggie to me: the "scent " of an alcoholic - I still get an reaction if I'm near someone that has that smell.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
I do not miss:
- the sight of a Foster's beer can and the sound it makes when its opened
- checking the bank statement every week calculating how much money he spent on booze
- being afraid to have any alcohol in the house because if it was here, it would be finished
- feeling nervous every time we were invited to a social gathering that a. he wouldn't want to go b. would go and sulk c. would go and drink too much and embarrass me
- the times he peed/pooped the bed
- the glossy look in his eyes and slurred speech
- the snoring
- taking care of all the bills, taxes, and other adult responsibilities
- worrying if he was going to get fired from another job/helping him when he knew he was about to get fired from another job
-wasting my energy trying to pump him up
- the sight of a Foster's beer can and the sound it makes when its opened
- checking the bank statement every week calculating how much money he spent on booze
- being afraid to have any alcohol in the house because if it was here, it would be finished
- feeling nervous every time we were invited to a social gathering that a. he wouldn't want to go b. would go and sulk c. would go and drink too much and embarrass me
- the times he peed/pooped the bed
- the glossy look in his eyes and slurred speech
- the snoring
- taking care of all the bills, taxes, and other adult responsibilities
- worrying if he was going to get fired from another job/helping him when he knew he was about to get fired from another job
-wasting my energy trying to pump him up
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Almost all of the above plus:
-Panic attacks
-Crying in my car on my way home from work and having to pull myself together so my child wouldn't see me upset
-Coming home from EVERYTHING to a drunk
-Being accused of breaking things that my AH broke while he was drunk
-Paying to repair things that my AH broke
-Sleeping in the guestroom to avoid my AH
-Panic attacks
-Crying in my car on my way home from work and having to pull myself together so my child wouldn't see me upset
-Coming home from EVERYTHING to a drunk
-Being accused of breaking things that my AH broke while he was drunk
-Paying to repair things that my AH broke
-Sleeping in the guestroom to avoid my AH
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I don't miss the threatening, cracked-out presence of my stepson.
I don't miss hearing him say he's going to beat my husband (his father) in the back of the head with a tire iron.
I don't miss wondering what the next phone call will bring.
I do miss the sober version of my stepson even though I did not get to see him much...
I don't miss hearing him say he's going to beat my husband (his father) in the back of the head with a tire iron.
I don't miss wondering what the next phone call will bring.
I do miss the sober version of my stepson even though I did not get to see him much...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
-thinking I didn't deserve better...... wow, powerful!!!
When in our life with our addict, did that switch turn, that we didn't deserve better?? I wish every man and women on the f&f forum would ask themselves, when did it become "normal" to live with unacceptable behavior from our addict?
I truly have no clue.......ugh!!!
When in our life with our addict, did that switch turn, that we didn't deserve better?? I wish every man and women on the f&f forum would ask themselves, when did it become "normal" to live with unacceptable behavior from our addict?
I truly have no clue.......ugh!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 20
Things I don't miss:
-worrying constantly where he was, who he was with, when he would come home, if he was safe, if he was making good decisions..
-ignored phone calls and texts
-name calling, demeaning me, throwing things, breaking things, yelling at me
-finding mini bottles hidden in shoes, dressers, car, cupboards
-coming home from work and him being passed out drunk already
-the selfishness
-not being able to express myself, my feelings, my emotions, my thoughts
-listening to him talk about how much he hated the dogs
-the slurring, the stink, the lazy eyes, the stumbling around
-trying to drag him off the couch into bed
-washing his scrubs, setting his alarm, waking him up for work, getting him water
-basing everything I did and say off of what his mood was that day
-him embarrassing us when out with friends or even just us two together
-him going out alone and not allowing me to come or know where
-constantly on his phone but always hiding it from me or my sight
-the lies, about everything... small, big, matters, didn't matter, everything was a lie
-never being appreciated for anything I would do for him
-being told to shut up
-constantly being reminded his family didn't like me or approve of us dating
-everything financial between us being a business transaction
-not knowing if that day he was going to love me or hate me
-everything being my fault no matter how hard I tried
-worrying constantly where he was, who he was with, when he would come home, if he was safe, if he was making good decisions..
-ignored phone calls and texts
-name calling, demeaning me, throwing things, breaking things, yelling at me
-finding mini bottles hidden in shoes, dressers, car, cupboards
-coming home from work and him being passed out drunk already
-the selfishness
-not being able to express myself, my feelings, my emotions, my thoughts
-listening to him talk about how much he hated the dogs
-the slurring, the stink, the lazy eyes, the stumbling around
-trying to drag him off the couch into bed
-washing his scrubs, setting his alarm, waking him up for work, getting him water
-basing everything I did and say off of what his mood was that day
-him embarrassing us when out with friends or even just us two together
-him going out alone and not allowing me to come or know where
-constantly on his phone but always hiding it from me or my sight
-the lies, about everything... small, big, matters, didn't matter, everything was a lie
-never being appreciated for anything I would do for him
-being told to shut up
-constantly being reminded his family didn't like me or approve of us dating
-everything financial between us being a business transaction
-not knowing if that day he was going to love me or hate me
-everything being my fault no matter how hard I tried
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
Coming home and he would be sitting at a TV table in front of the TV with whiskey in a 9 ounce plastic cup.
Never knowing if he would be Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde.
Flatulence
Being told I should not question what he spends money on- being told I always complained about how he spent money, when I never brought it up!
Knowing we never did anything together without alcohol
Dreading vacations- because he would always drink more and a few obnoxious encounters were a guarantee but I never knew when they were going to happen.
Never knowing if he would be Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde.
Flatulence
Being told I should not question what he spends money on- being told I always complained about how he spent money, when I never brought it up!
Knowing we never did anything together without alcohol
Dreading vacations- because he would always drink more and a few obnoxious encounters were a guarantee but I never knew when they were going to happen.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I actually do miss STBXAH. So here is what I won't miss:
- cleaning food and drink stains from the floor
- cleaning food and drink stains from the carpet
- sweaty sheets from withdrawal
- having blankets ripped off me as I sleep
- not having enough sleep because I have to wake up to emergencies
- the awful smell
- the toilet constantly flushing
- the horrid state of the bathroom
- feeling lonely next to the person I love the most
- being shouted at
- being lied to
- having money taken from me
- having to feed, house, clothe, and clean a person who was doing something to hurt himself and make those tasks difficult for him to do himself
- having my pets constantly stressed
- feeling like I'm nobody, just someone who had to look after another person
- feeling like I had no future
- feeling like neither of us had any future
- feeling used
- not being able to eat the foods I liked
- having an ambulance on speed dial
- all the doctors I was constantly organizing
- relapse
- being ignored
- not getting cuddles
- being expected to have sex when I didn't get cuddles (of course I said no)
- all the excuses for everything
- the cognitive dissonance from gaslighting
- back pain and lack of concentration from stress
- weight gain from stress
- insomnia from stress
- cleaning food and drink stains from the floor
- cleaning food and drink stains from the carpet
- sweaty sheets from withdrawal
- having blankets ripped off me as I sleep
- not having enough sleep because I have to wake up to emergencies
- the awful smell
- the toilet constantly flushing
- the horrid state of the bathroom
- feeling lonely next to the person I love the most
- being shouted at
- being lied to
- having money taken from me
- having to feed, house, clothe, and clean a person who was doing something to hurt himself and make those tasks difficult for him to do himself
- having my pets constantly stressed
- feeling like I'm nobody, just someone who had to look after another person
- feeling like I had no future
- feeling like neither of us had any future
- feeling used
- not being able to eat the foods I liked
- having an ambulance on speed dial
- all the doctors I was constantly organizing
- relapse
- being ignored
- not getting cuddles
- being expected to have sex when I didn't get cuddles (of course I said no)
- all the excuses for everything
- the cognitive dissonance from gaslighting
- back pain and lack of concentration from stress
- weight gain from stress
- insomnia from stress
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