Here we go again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Egg Harbor Township NJ
Posts: 3
Here we go again
My brother will be 3 years clean come Feb. 2005. The problem is not drugs or alcahol this time around. He has been useing women,money etc.... It seems he is just an addict with just about anything or anyone he can pick up and use. Is that even possible? Is there such a thing?
He meets theese women and brings them into my home and introduces me and my family to them. A few weeks later he is living with them (I have to mention the fact he is not divorced yet and has a 4yr old son who also meets all of these women). These women have sat at our table (my Mothers and mine) for Easter,Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, only at Easter it's this one and at Thanksgiving it's that one and so on.
After a few months they start to call my house for idle chit chat, usually while they are watching my nephew while he is "working". Long story short, he brings them here, tells them how great I am , wants them to get to know me and then he leaves them. Then the phone call come with some female on the other end who is totally devistated. I am starting to feel alot of guilt at this point because I know how it is going to end. It will end when she discovers his cheating. The cheating starts on the internet and then it turns to RL cheating. I have sat back and watched him do this over and over, knowing he is doing it and saying nothing at all. This last woman went into $32,000 dollars worth of debt due to my brother and lets not forget her own stupidity. He asked her to sign on a truck loan for him and made promises to her he knew he wouldnt keep. There were other toys involved as well, very expensive ones. He cheated on her, she cought him and said she understood he has a disease, that he is an addict and she was willing to work through this with him. He continued to cheat after that and continued living in her home, a home she wanted to be his one day as well. He kept tellling her he loved her and continued to live there. Needless to say, his behavior continued. He then asked her if he could just rent a room there OMG when does it stop? His selfishness to too much to bare at times.
He is now gone because she asked him to please leave. She still loves this man, I am so confused! He wanted to keep the truck , she said ok just get it in your name and you can have it. Long story short again (just cutting through the lies he told her) he couldnt come through and just expected her to let him take the truck that is in her name and insurance in her name.
Now, after many years of a healthy relationship with my Mother wich took years for me to rebuild, this is causing alot of friction between us. My Mother continues to enable his wreckless behaivor. In my eyes there is no justification to his actions. I love him dearly from the bottom of my heart, but I cant watch him destroy himself and other people along the way. His behavior has been that of a tornado, a vortex spinning out of controll , sucking in all it can take and spitting it out after its done its damge. We all know what happens to a tornado in the end and I dont want to see that happen.
I am sure most of you know there is alot to this stroy that is missing. I know there are 3 sides to every story , his side, her side and what really happened. This is what I see.
I know I cant make him stop but, I want to stop caring! This is causing my pain. I have never turned my back on him but, I am ready too.
Any suggestions or support of any kind would be greatly appreciated. If you got this far thank you for listening!
((hugs))
Dar
He meets theese women and brings them into my home and introduces me and my family to them. A few weeks later he is living with them (I have to mention the fact he is not divorced yet and has a 4yr old son who also meets all of these women). These women have sat at our table (my Mothers and mine) for Easter,Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, only at Easter it's this one and at Thanksgiving it's that one and so on.
After a few months they start to call my house for idle chit chat, usually while they are watching my nephew while he is "working". Long story short, he brings them here, tells them how great I am , wants them to get to know me and then he leaves them. Then the phone call come with some female on the other end who is totally devistated. I am starting to feel alot of guilt at this point because I know how it is going to end. It will end when she discovers his cheating. The cheating starts on the internet and then it turns to RL cheating. I have sat back and watched him do this over and over, knowing he is doing it and saying nothing at all. This last woman went into $32,000 dollars worth of debt due to my brother and lets not forget her own stupidity. He asked her to sign on a truck loan for him and made promises to her he knew he wouldnt keep. There were other toys involved as well, very expensive ones. He cheated on her, she cought him and said she understood he has a disease, that he is an addict and she was willing to work through this with him. He continued to cheat after that and continued living in her home, a home she wanted to be his one day as well. He kept tellling her he loved her and continued to live there. Needless to say, his behavior continued. He then asked her if he could just rent a room there OMG when does it stop? His selfishness to too much to bare at times.
He is now gone because she asked him to please leave. She still loves this man, I am so confused! He wanted to keep the truck , she said ok just get it in your name and you can have it. Long story short again (just cutting through the lies he told her) he couldnt come through and just expected her to let him take the truck that is in her name and insurance in her name.
Now, after many years of a healthy relationship with my Mother wich took years for me to rebuild, this is causing alot of friction between us. My Mother continues to enable his wreckless behaivor. In my eyes there is no justification to his actions. I love him dearly from the bottom of my heart, but I cant watch him destroy himself and other people along the way. His behavior has been that of a tornado, a vortex spinning out of controll , sucking in all it can take and spitting it out after its done its damge. We all know what happens to a tornado in the end and I dont want to see that happen.
I am sure most of you know there is alot to this stroy that is missing. I know there are 3 sides to every story , his side, her side and what really happened. This is what I see.
I know I cant make him stop but, I want to stop caring! This is causing my pain. I have never turned my back on him but, I am ready too.
Any suggestions or support of any kind would be greatly appreciated. If you got this far thank you for listening!
((hugs))
Dar
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
(((dar))) The only thing I can say is to take care of yourself and your family. You don't have any power over what he is doing or what his women are doing. Set your boundaries and tell him what they are. If you don't want to be involved with these women, tell him and stick to it. If you don't mind me saying so, you would be better off if he didn't introduce them to you and kept that part of his life separate... but that's just me.
Alanon teaches that you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. All you can do is detach from it.
Take care of yourself and keep posting. Let us know how you are.
Alanon teaches that you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. All you can do is detach from it.
Take care of yourself and keep posting. Let us know how you are.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
It almost sounds like he not clean and who really knows for sure except him. But even if he is, he is living the same life...the life of a user.
You can stop getting involved and it is really pretty easy. Read passive aggressive. You don't have to actually say anything but you can cut conversations short and not get involved.
If this is bothering you so much then that is what I would do...back off in whatever manner is the most comfortable for you. You love your brother and don't want to burn that bridge but you don't have to be his accomplice.
JT
You can stop getting involved and it is really pretty easy. Read passive aggressive. You don't have to actually say anything but you can cut conversations short and not get involved.
If this is bothering you so much then that is what I would do...back off in whatever manner is the most comfortable for you. You love your brother and don't want to burn that bridge but you don't have to be his accomplice.
JT
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
thanks for sharing
It was very interesting to hear our story from this different viewpoint. The viewpoint of the brother.
My ex-AH has a brother, and I could almost imagine this was written by him. He would have had many, many of the same things to say as you did.
I will have to remember to say something to him next time I see him, to let him know I understand that he suffered from our 'tornado' almost as much as I did.
Thank you for making me take a look at the brother's viewpoint.
If it helps, the brother I am referring to has detached somewhat nicely, making it clear he has his own busy life and doesn't want to get involved in the whirlwind always swirling around his alcoholic brother.
My ex-AH has a brother, and I could almost imagine this was written by him. He would have had many, many of the same things to say as you did.
I will have to remember to say something to him next time I see him, to let him know I understand that he suffered from our 'tornado' almost as much as I did.
Thank you for making me take a look at the brother's viewpoint.
If it helps, the brother I am referring to has detached somewhat nicely, making it clear he has his own busy life and doesn't want to get involved in the whirlwind always swirling around his alcoholic brother.
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