I did not get sucked back in - yay!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
I did not get sucked back in - yay!
OK, I wanted to share today.
I am one of the members here who chose to end my marriage to my AH and focus on my own life. I did the hard thing, the asking him to leave, during one of the low points, when his behavior was at it's worst, it was easier that way, used my anger to quell any fear.
I want to be happy with my daughter and all the other friends and family in my life, and to recover from my codependent ways. I tend to fall for men who are needy, I tend to feel secure in a love where I am in a rescuer or hero role. Where I feel better than him. I have lots of other characteristics like that, characteristics of the codependent. So I will be focused on my recovery forever, I suspect. I truly enjoy, and am very successful in, all aspects of my life except my romantic relationships.
My divorce is nearly complete, the final papers will be ready any day now for us to sign. He no longer tries weekly to make me miss him or feel guilty or anything else to take him back. He has been out of the house for 5 months, and living with a new woman and her kids for the last 3. The calls have dwindled down to occassional chats about a common expense or the divorce. He even finally submitted a change of address form at the post office.
He's stopped the calls to chat, to put on the charm, trying to check if he can get to me. He has accepted he can't, and is focusing on the new enabler.
Anyway, my recent experience...
It was around 7pm and he calls. Asks me if 'she' called me. I said who? He said his girlfriend. I said no, why? (I had never seen or spoken to her.) He said they had a huge fight and he was sure she'd call me to 'get back at him'. He begged me not to answer my phone if it rang.
Hmmm. Just think of all the reactions I had.
Fear. Would she hurt me, my daughter, or do some expensive damage to my home or car? Am I going to have to hear hurtful things about how he was actually seeing her all through our marriage, or other things she thought would hurt him for me to know?
Humor. Their relationship has been a mess and he used to call and complain or cry to me about it all the time in the beginning. He'd tell me how mean she was, that he wasn't allowed to be my friend, how much better I was, how he called he by my name all the time. He even showed up here drunk and crying how he hated her one night. I have to admit, watching it instead of living it made me laugh. And certainly made me feel good about my decision to end our marriage!
Anger. Why am I involved in this? I have my own new life now and I don't need this crap.
Rescue. Yup. Gotta admit that one tugs at a codie like me. I wondered if he was safe, what he would do next.
So, how did I handle it?
I assured him she hadn't called.
I told him to keep me out of it, and reminded him I have done nothing to either of them.
When he started quacking about how he would never let her hurt me or my daughter, I just moved the subject on by saying "are you safe?".
When he said "no, I don't think so" and began his drama about maybe he'd put a gun in his own mouth I did not bite.
I just asked where he was.
When he told me he was at our mutual friend Eric's I asked to speak to Eric.
I asked Eric if he was safe and Eric said he was in bad shape (drunk) and had all his hunting rifles and ammo still in his truck.
(My ex had just picked up those last precious belongings from my house the week before.)
Eric said they were going to fight to keep him there rather than driving around like that.
OK, we shared a moment of small talk since we hadn't spoken since the separation, then I said goodbye and he put my ex back on.
I said thanks for the warning, and I won't answer the phone, and good luck and be safe. I said it might be nice if someone told me later it was all over and all were safe. (It'd be nice to stop worrying about a girlfriend stalking me.) And I said goodbye.
And that was it. I detached. But I cared.
Is that detachment with love?
I kind of forgot about it until later that night, when I realized I still had heard nothing. But I didn't call or anything, I was just glad it seemed to be a false alarm. The next morning, when I realized we got through closing time with no call, I figured all was well.
It has been a week and still I haven't called to find out what happened. That is amazing progress for me!
I just kind of don't want to find myself involved. It's like it is all just some soap opera I used to watch. I kind of get curious how the characters are doing, what craziness has happened lately, but yet it's all so ridiculous and nearly unbelievable.
And I have better things to do than to tune in.
How GREAT is THAT?
(Gabe, I am looking for a 'You go, Spunky' from you. I love those! LOL. )
I am one of the members here who chose to end my marriage to my AH and focus on my own life. I did the hard thing, the asking him to leave, during one of the low points, when his behavior was at it's worst, it was easier that way, used my anger to quell any fear.
I want to be happy with my daughter and all the other friends and family in my life, and to recover from my codependent ways. I tend to fall for men who are needy, I tend to feel secure in a love where I am in a rescuer or hero role. Where I feel better than him. I have lots of other characteristics like that, characteristics of the codependent. So I will be focused on my recovery forever, I suspect. I truly enjoy, and am very successful in, all aspects of my life except my romantic relationships.
My divorce is nearly complete, the final papers will be ready any day now for us to sign. He no longer tries weekly to make me miss him or feel guilty or anything else to take him back. He has been out of the house for 5 months, and living with a new woman and her kids for the last 3. The calls have dwindled down to occassional chats about a common expense or the divorce. He even finally submitted a change of address form at the post office.
He's stopped the calls to chat, to put on the charm, trying to check if he can get to me. He has accepted he can't, and is focusing on the new enabler.
Anyway, my recent experience...
It was around 7pm and he calls. Asks me if 'she' called me. I said who? He said his girlfriend. I said no, why? (I had never seen or spoken to her.) He said they had a huge fight and he was sure she'd call me to 'get back at him'. He begged me not to answer my phone if it rang.
Hmmm. Just think of all the reactions I had.
Fear. Would she hurt me, my daughter, or do some expensive damage to my home or car? Am I going to have to hear hurtful things about how he was actually seeing her all through our marriage, or other things she thought would hurt him for me to know?
Humor. Their relationship has been a mess and he used to call and complain or cry to me about it all the time in the beginning. He'd tell me how mean she was, that he wasn't allowed to be my friend, how much better I was, how he called he by my name all the time. He even showed up here drunk and crying how he hated her one night. I have to admit, watching it instead of living it made me laugh. And certainly made me feel good about my decision to end our marriage!
Anger. Why am I involved in this? I have my own new life now and I don't need this crap.
Rescue. Yup. Gotta admit that one tugs at a codie like me. I wondered if he was safe, what he would do next.
So, how did I handle it?
I assured him she hadn't called.
I told him to keep me out of it, and reminded him I have done nothing to either of them.
When he started quacking about how he would never let her hurt me or my daughter, I just moved the subject on by saying "are you safe?".
When he said "no, I don't think so" and began his drama about maybe he'd put a gun in his own mouth I did not bite.
I just asked where he was.
When he told me he was at our mutual friend Eric's I asked to speak to Eric.
I asked Eric if he was safe and Eric said he was in bad shape (drunk) and had all his hunting rifles and ammo still in his truck.
(My ex had just picked up those last precious belongings from my house the week before.)
Eric said they were going to fight to keep him there rather than driving around like that.
OK, we shared a moment of small talk since we hadn't spoken since the separation, then I said goodbye and he put my ex back on.
I said thanks for the warning, and I won't answer the phone, and good luck and be safe. I said it might be nice if someone told me later it was all over and all were safe. (It'd be nice to stop worrying about a girlfriend stalking me.) And I said goodbye.
And that was it. I detached. But I cared.
Is that detachment with love?
I kind of forgot about it until later that night, when I realized I still had heard nothing. But I didn't call or anything, I was just glad it seemed to be a false alarm. The next morning, when I realized we got through closing time with no call, I figured all was well.
It has been a week and still I haven't called to find out what happened. That is amazing progress for me!
I just kind of don't want to find myself involved. It's like it is all just some soap opera I used to watch. I kind of get curious how the characters are doing, what craziness has happened lately, but yet it's all so ridiculous and nearly unbelievable.
And I have better things to do than to tune in.
How GREAT is THAT?
(Gabe, I am looking for a 'You go, Spunky' from you. I love those! LOL. )
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Good for you for not letting him suck you back in. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other as you continue on your own journey. The journey with him has come to an end. Isn't that just the best feeling?
Hugs, Jo
Hugs, Jo
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: South
Posts: 63
You are an amazing inspiration to me!!! That situation present-day would have been impossible for me to overcome. ESPECIALLY not calling to find out what happened! That's my biggest problem. When AH and I get into a fight, I am ALWAYS the first one to call. He tends to leave and stay at a hotel (and we have 2 small children, but don't get me started on that), and I am always the first to call. I so wish I could detach more!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
Thank you all!
Thanks so ,much to you all for the supportive responses.
I actually do feel great for having my first notable success with detachment.
And yes, jojo, really believeiong the journey with him is over and ym own journey is beginning IS the best feeling!!!!
**{hugs}} to you all for sharing this good moment with me.
I actually do feel great for having my first notable success with detachment.
And yes, jojo, really believeiong the journey with him is over and ym own journey is beginning IS the best feeling!!!!
**{hugs}} to you all for sharing this good moment with me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
Re:
I think you are very brave to focus on you and your daughter. Bravo!
I have a question though, how do you get to the point that you can leave. My AH sounds alot like your ex- He has broken everything in our house (at different points of his drunkensess) has talked to me like I am nothing and steals lies...well, you know the drill.
But I still remember who he used to be, and still love him so much
I could vomit at the thought of him being with someone else- I know he is very codependant (worse than me even) and would go straight to some one else if i kicked him out. I have lost so much in my life- I don't know if I can lose another thing- even if he is a jacka@@.
I have a question though, how do you get to the point that you can leave. My AH sounds alot like your ex- He has broken everything in our house (at different points of his drunkensess) has talked to me like I am nothing and steals lies...well, you know the drill.
But I still remember who he used to be, and still love him so much
I could vomit at the thought of him being with someone else- I know he is very codependant (worse than me even) and would go straight to some one else if i kicked him out. I have lost so much in my life- I don't know if I can lose another thing- even if he is a jacka@@.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
OMG, you're such an inspiration to all of us. You need to sit down and put it all in writing. What a story.
Keep up the good work. I pray for your continued growth and health in your new life.
Blessings, Kathy
Keep up the good work. I pray for your continued growth and health in your new life.
Blessings, Kathy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
Ellima,
It wasn't easy. I felt the same way, so completely in love with the way I imagined we could be. I knew he was capable of being the perfect guy for me sometimes, so I just obsessed with finding the way to make him be that guy all the time.
How I got to the point of leaving was not due to my having amazing strength, actually. I want to be very honest about that. Here is my story of ending it...
I became so miserable in our day to day life I found msyelf complaining constantly, putting him down non-stop, and controlling him to the point of insanity. I would call him names when he came home late and drunk. I'd nag at him for being out of work and doing nothing all day but go to the bar instead of helping around the house. I gave him NO MONEY to spend at all. I wanted him to be a different man and I made his life become unbearable.
So one day he said he was leaving. I was stunned, hurt, shattered. He meant it, he had a place all lined up, and I didn't think I could live without him. I came to Al Anon to try to udnerstand what had happened to my marriage and how could I fix it.
I learned a lot from Al Anon, and started learning about my codependency and such. He was gone a few months, and I worked on rebuilding my relationships with friends and family and being honest about how life with him really was. I was a zombie at first, the pain was intense, but I kept plodding along and coming here.
After a few months he started wanting me back.
He was running out of money, friends to use, and becoming concerned at seeing me date a little and the thought of losing control over me. That was the reality. But of course I saw it as him finally able to see how miserable he was without me, and now he would really change so we could be happily ever after. He promised sobriety, so I was hoping maybe he hit his bottom and I'd have my happily ever after!
Yet even as I took him back in I had doubts. I knew the odds were horrible he'd make it. He had been through rehab and AA before, but his denial was too strong.
So I kept working on the Al Anon stuff, learning to focus on me and my happiness, to detach from his drinking issue, and to picture my life the way I wanted it.
I was very happy with him while he was sober. My life had never been better than those few months. I didn't worry about him, obsess where he was, I simply trusted and enjoyed life. All that weight lifted off my shoulder was heavenly! I made plans with friends and didn't worry that meant he'd go to the bar. I didn't worry if he wanted money to go shopping. I didn't have to do all those controlling things anymore, and life was GREAT!
So when the signs came back, the ones telling me he was slipping mentally even if he hadn't drunk yet... I reacted differently than ever before.
I reacted by simply knowing I didn't want to go back to that. That I liked this new life of trust and freedom and not all about his drinking. I decided I wanted to be happy like that, and I knew I couldn't be happy if I had all that came with his drinking in my life again.
Amazingly enough, I was able to believe that I could go back to working on that life of my own I was starting before he came back, with the help of Al Anon, and that my happiness was not dependent on him succeeding.
He had worked his way back to drinking daily, and going to the bars again. I remember so clearly, he stopped home to shower and go back to the bar, it was a Wednesday night, and I simply told him to either stay home that night, fight for sobriety, or get out and stay out. I said we had a deal when he came back to the marriage, and he could not stay if he was not going to work sobriety. He had been out every nigth that week, he was clearly not able to 'control' the drinking as he had said he could.
I was so sure of my feelings, I must have sounded so calm to him!
There was no way he wasn't going out, so he went and didn't come back that night. He called late the next day to say he would come for his stuff, and I said ok. I was actually relieved, in spite of the pain of failure of my dream.
Yes, times after that he tried to make me feel I threw him out and I was wrong. But I just kept taking steps to detach from him and his drinking. I knew I didn't want that life for my daughter or myself, and that he would not change any time soon.
he knew I was different, and he found a new woman and attached himself completely within a couple months.
Sorry this was long. Just wnated to share how I 'did' it.
I suspect if he hadn't exhibited his unbearably selfish behavior I would have had a harder time taking my stand. So when he tried to soften me later I just kept remembering that bad side of him, so I wouldn't fall for the charming side. Remembering that I'd never be able to change him.
It wasn't easy. I felt the same way, so completely in love with the way I imagined we could be. I knew he was capable of being the perfect guy for me sometimes, so I just obsessed with finding the way to make him be that guy all the time.
How I got to the point of leaving was not due to my having amazing strength, actually. I want to be very honest about that. Here is my story of ending it...
I became so miserable in our day to day life I found msyelf complaining constantly, putting him down non-stop, and controlling him to the point of insanity. I would call him names when he came home late and drunk. I'd nag at him for being out of work and doing nothing all day but go to the bar instead of helping around the house. I gave him NO MONEY to spend at all. I wanted him to be a different man and I made his life become unbearable.
So one day he said he was leaving. I was stunned, hurt, shattered. He meant it, he had a place all lined up, and I didn't think I could live without him. I came to Al Anon to try to udnerstand what had happened to my marriage and how could I fix it.
I learned a lot from Al Anon, and started learning about my codependency and such. He was gone a few months, and I worked on rebuilding my relationships with friends and family and being honest about how life with him really was. I was a zombie at first, the pain was intense, but I kept plodding along and coming here.
After a few months he started wanting me back.
He was running out of money, friends to use, and becoming concerned at seeing me date a little and the thought of losing control over me. That was the reality. But of course I saw it as him finally able to see how miserable he was without me, and now he would really change so we could be happily ever after. He promised sobriety, so I was hoping maybe he hit his bottom and I'd have my happily ever after!
Yet even as I took him back in I had doubts. I knew the odds were horrible he'd make it. He had been through rehab and AA before, but his denial was too strong.
So I kept working on the Al Anon stuff, learning to focus on me and my happiness, to detach from his drinking issue, and to picture my life the way I wanted it.
I was very happy with him while he was sober. My life had never been better than those few months. I didn't worry about him, obsess where he was, I simply trusted and enjoyed life. All that weight lifted off my shoulder was heavenly! I made plans with friends and didn't worry that meant he'd go to the bar. I didn't worry if he wanted money to go shopping. I didn't have to do all those controlling things anymore, and life was GREAT!
So when the signs came back, the ones telling me he was slipping mentally even if he hadn't drunk yet... I reacted differently than ever before.
I reacted by simply knowing I didn't want to go back to that. That I liked this new life of trust and freedom and not all about his drinking. I decided I wanted to be happy like that, and I knew I couldn't be happy if I had all that came with his drinking in my life again.
Amazingly enough, I was able to believe that I could go back to working on that life of my own I was starting before he came back, with the help of Al Anon, and that my happiness was not dependent on him succeeding.
He had worked his way back to drinking daily, and going to the bars again. I remember so clearly, he stopped home to shower and go back to the bar, it was a Wednesday night, and I simply told him to either stay home that night, fight for sobriety, or get out and stay out. I said we had a deal when he came back to the marriage, and he could not stay if he was not going to work sobriety. He had been out every nigth that week, he was clearly not able to 'control' the drinking as he had said he could.
I was so sure of my feelings, I must have sounded so calm to him!
There was no way he wasn't going out, so he went and didn't come back that night. He called late the next day to say he would come for his stuff, and I said ok. I was actually relieved, in spite of the pain of failure of my dream.
Yes, times after that he tried to make me feel I threw him out and I was wrong. But I just kept taking steps to detach from him and his drinking. I knew I didn't want that life for my daughter or myself, and that he would not change any time soon.
he knew I was different, and he found a new woman and attached himself completely within a couple months.
Sorry this was long. Just wnated to share how I 'did' it.
I suspect if he hadn't exhibited his unbearably selfish behavior I would have had a harder time taking my stand. So when he tried to soften me later I just kept remembering that bad side of him, so I wouldn't fall for the charming side. Remembering that I'd never be able to change him.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
Re:jesse And Me2003
Thank you for sharing that with me. You are an amazingly brave person- even if you don't believe it. I will try to work onme- I am back in school- that is a start. God Bless
ellima01
ellima01
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