dejavuwife

The hospital is releasing him in a couple of days, and he will be doing outpatient five days a week and meetings on his own. I am nervous. I know I am going to have to tend to my emotions about this without him, which is not typical for us, but I know he will not be ready to hear everything right now. He needs to work on himself while I work on myself.

We had a good family session today where he laid out his recovery plan. His memorable quote during the session: "I was in Disneyworld while the rest of my family was in hell."

Any pointers with dealing with the first weeks? Dandylion, I did read one of those books you posted in another thread...in one sitting!

AnvilheadII

what are your boundaries?

dejavuwife

I know he has to follow the recovery plan, for one. BUT I also know I cannot have a person under the influence in the home with me and the kids....the question is how to get him out of our home if he is high as he would have no business driving (not even sure what I could convince him to do if under the influence).

I know we can change the code to the locks pretty easily if we can get him out of the house...did that recently.

Seren

I wish I knew more about the legal ins-and-outs of getting someone to leave their own home unless they do so voluntarily. I suppose if you know he relapses then you can ask him to leave, but it may be safer for you and the kinder to leave if it comes to that. Is that fair? Well, addiction in general doesn't seem to be fair to me. But if your boundary is that you will not be around someone who is high or drunk, then the action may have to come from you.

hopeful4

If it's unsafe, call the police and they will tell him to leave for the moment. However, that won't keep him out. I would speak to an attorney of what your rights are regarding this, just in case. Where I live you can try to file to keep the other party out of your house, but the judges don't like to do it and only do so in extreme cases.

Big hugs. Deep breaths. I think your key words of you have to keep the focus on you is very wise.

BAW81

If you feel threatened in any way, call the police.

It might be a good idea to have your own plan to leave the house with the kids should something happen and he won't leave. Pre-packed bags in the car for everyone and a place (friends house/family house/hotel) you already know you're going if you need to.

atalose

And what acceptable plan did you lay out for him? What boundaries did you state at the good family session?

dejavuwife

We had actually collaborated on his recovery plan prior to the meeting (via phone); meaning I told him what I minimally needed for him to come home--I told him he had to be at a meeting every day; go to the 5 day a week PHP; not have access to our money for at least a week; and he is not welcome in our house in an altered state. He added the specifics (which meetings on what days, calling his sponsor, etc)

atalose

Those sound more like rules to me then boundaries.

Rule…….he has to be at a meeting every day, attend 5 a week

Boundary……….if he does not attend meetings regularly I will walk away from this marriage.

Rule……he cannot have access to our money for at least a week

Boundary……if I discover money is missing and unaccounted for I will take over all finances and make sure he does not have access without my knowledge.

A rule is what he will do.

A boundary is what you will do.

dejavuwife

Then I worded it incorrectly. When I say that he needs to attend a meeting every day, I mean he is going to have to do that to be able to stay in our home--otherwise, I will legally get him out if he does not leave willingly (have already spoken with a lawyer about how).

hopeful4

It's excellent that you have discussed this and have plans in place. I encourage you to continue with good self care as that is so important for you.