HELP! I am freaking out!
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I applaud your ability to be the only adult in the room, SaveHer.
Agree that letting grandmother back in on a limited basis is beneficial for your child.
I would proceed with caution, that's all.
Good thoughts.
Agree that letting grandmother back in on a limited basis is beneficial for your child.
I would proceed with caution, that's all.
Good thoughts.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi SaveHer, you made your point really well with your MIL by withdrawing her babysitting duties. I don't think you could have been any plainer and she seems to have taken your point to heart. Letting her see her GC in controlled circumstances is a kind thing to do, and won't make your point less strong.
Having the police involved has probably scared them both and cost her a lot.
Is it possible that she's a little intimidated by her son?
Having the police involved has probably scared them both and cost her a lot.
Is it possible that she's a little intimidated by her son?
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
This grandmother put an abuser, her wants and his wants before the court order you worked hard to obtain and are working hard to enforce. Listen to actions, such as her disregard for you, your daughter, the court order.
It's okay, and perhaps very healthy, to change your mind about allowing her access to your daughter. Consult your laywer about her feeling and experience with getting this court order to stay enforced.
This is VERY early on for the one year order. Let your protective actions speak loud and clear.
Yesterday I met with a laywer who advocates for families and can help me with a restraining order to keep my mother away from my son, if it is needed. It is a huge weight lifted. I didn't realize how much I feared him being in danger of being emotionally and psychologically abused by her... it happens very stealthily, very underhanded and hard to detect.
Children are adaptable. My son and I are finding new, healthy people to spend time with.
It's okay for you and your daughter to spend time away from the turmoil of your ex and his mom. Especially during this first year of healing.
It's okay, and perhaps very healthy, to change your mind about allowing her access to your daughter. Consult your laywer about her feeling and experience with getting this court order to stay enforced.
This is VERY early on for the one year order. Let your protective actions speak loud and clear.
Yesterday I met with a laywer who advocates for families and can help me with a restraining order to keep my mother away from my son, if it is needed. It is a huge weight lifted. I didn't realize how much I feared him being in danger of being emotionally and psychologically abused by her... it happens very stealthily, very underhanded and hard to detect.
Children are adaptable. My son and I are finding new, healthy people to spend time with.
It's okay for you and your daughter to spend time away from the turmoil of your ex and his mom. Especially during this first year of healing.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Letting her see her GC in controlled circumstances is a kind thing to do, and won't make your point less strong.
I'm with FG. Letting her see her grandchild in _controlled_ circumstances is really a good thing. My alarm bells would be immediately set off, however, if your MIL immediately starts trying to push the boundaries ("When can I babysit her again?" "Can you bring her to my house ?") Do you have a plan if she starts doing that?
And again, as FeelingGood said, she may be intimidated by her son, so she may not even want to ask these questions. All you can do is remind her she is just as free to draw up boundaries - they serve as a defensive layer of protection that will preserve her relationship with her granddaughter.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Originally Posted by SaveHer 
1. ...they both confessed although they claim it wasn't premeditated. Insert dramatic eye roll here.
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2. AXBF's mother contacted me... She said she loves us and misses us.
3. I don't know... having been in a dysfunctional, abusive relationship for almost a decade.
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2. AXBF's mother contacted me... She said she loves us and misses us.
3. I don't know... having been in a dysfunctional, abusive relationship for almost a decade.
2 - Being sucked in.
3 - Confusion caused by #2... from emotional, verbal, psychological abuse, the brain wants to smooth things over... to appease... to please others before the priority of one's own health.
A healthy relationship can allow space for healing. A few months without any contact can open the mind and body into a safe zone of healing, into being ready to either be in contact or have more time without contact.
Before my experience first hand with this, I too would have thought continued contact would be best. That has changed completely after the great relief, recovery from anxiety and great amount of growth I've found simply by adding the one additional component of no contact. When I heard about it in these forums, I didn't realize what a beautiful gift it would be for me.
What I felt as love and flood of good emotions was trauma bonding. Recovery from it is progressing quickly with not having any contact with my mom or dad. They look and seem to be kind, loving and caring. That is all a show that works very well, in order for them to manipulate others.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
I'm with FG. Letting her see her grandchild in _controlled_ circumstances is really a good thing. My alarm bells would be immediately set off, however, if your MIL immediately starts trying to push the boundaries ("When can I babysit her again?" "Can you bring her to my house ?") Do you have a plan if she starts doing that?
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Different ways of dealing with it. I'm not saying, no contact ever... simply a space of time for healing.
If it's already a healthy relationship, a few months of giving someone who's been abused *for a decade* some quiet, separate space for herself and daughter should be no big deal.
Been here, done this MANY different ways. I finally was brought back to this. I wasn't ready for it until I hit one wall after another with being sucked back into abuse.
If it's already a healthy relationship, a few months of giving someone who's been abused *for a decade* some quiet, separate space for herself and daughter should be no big deal.
Been here, done this MANY different ways. I finally was brought back to this. I wasn't ready for it until I hit one wall after another with being sucked back into abuse.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
I don't know if AXBF's mother is intimidated by her son. I think she has a long history of enabling him, and his recent stint in the hospital tugged harder than ever on her heartstrings. She is "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" personified.
My only motivation for allowing her to visit, briefly and only in my presence, is in thinking about what is best for my daughter. Before two weeks ago, his mom was a generous, loving grandmother, warm and fun and totally enamored of her grandchild. I don't think one lapse in judgment changes that. It does, however, change my trust in her. I already called the police; I see no need to be punitive beyond that.
And yes, I'm keeping my eyes and ears WIDE open. I will be far less understanding if she tries to test my boundaries. It will be very interesting to see how it goes on Tuesday.
Btw, I never thought of myself as "strong" or "the only adult in the room." As an only child, I'm used to being infantilized by my parents and considered "sensitive," "spoiled" and "selfish" by AXBF. Thank you for helping me to rewrite the narrative of my life.
My only motivation for allowing her to visit, briefly and only in my presence, is in thinking about what is best for my daughter. Before two weeks ago, his mom was a generous, loving grandmother, warm and fun and totally enamored of her grandchild. I don't think one lapse in judgment changes that. It does, however, change my trust in her. I already called the police; I see no need to be punitive beyond that.
And yes, I'm keeping my eyes and ears WIDE open. I will be far less understanding if she tries to test my boundaries. It will be very interesting to see how it goes on Tuesday.
Btw, I never thought of myself as "strong" or "the only adult in the room." As an only child, I'm used to being infantilized by my parents and considered "sensitive," "spoiled" and "selfish" by AXBF. Thank you for helping me to rewrite the narrative of my life.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Bravo to you. Just bravo to put your child first.
I think I would sit her down, explain to her that you want her to have this relationship with your child, however, their safety will always come first, and that this is her first, and last, chance. Basically if she screws it up again, done.
That is just my .02 and what I personally would do.
Gentle hugs momma bear.
I think I would sit her down, explain to her that you want her to have this relationship with your child, however, their safety will always come first, and that this is her first, and last, chance. Basically if she screws it up again, done.
That is just my .02 and what I personally would do.
Gentle hugs momma bear.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
AXBF's mother visited today. It was a very eye-opening experience for me. Now I totally know what you meant, ktf, when you said:
1- Waking up to both their tactics.
2 - Being sucked in.
I always knew AXBF had "tactics," but I never thought his mother had them. Today, she was like smothered in windex: I could see right through her! Codependents engage in the exact same behaviors as the addicts they enable.
Lying: The first thing AXBF's mother told me was that she and her son hadn't planned to run into each other at the park near my house. I know what you're thinking--what a coincidence! Well, keep in mind that AXBF does work about a mile or so from my house; however, he has not been working since he wound up in the hospital. If he wasn't on his way to work, then why would he have reason to be riding his bike through the park near my house? ABSOLUTE BULLSH!T
Blaming: Following a very brief apology, in which she admitted to not being able to say no to her very persistent son and apologized for not being stronger and doing the right thing, she proceeded to blame her son for, well, pretty much everything. He is the one to blame. He did this to her. He doesn't even care about how much he hurts anyone. I thought, wait a minute. It takes two to tango, and even if your story is true and the meeting wasn't premeditated, you should have walked away and ignored him, and if that didn't work, you should have called the police. You were her caregiver, not him. You were the sober one, not him.
Manipulating: Once she established that it was all her son's fault and she an innocent victim, she tried to return to our previous dynamic of "us vs. him." The only problem? I still feel like it's me vs. them. She told me all about AXBF's continuing downward spiral. He is still drinking so heavily that he stumbles around her house. He says he doesn't care if he has to go to jail. He keeps getting medical bills he can't afford and saying he'll just let them go to collections. Etcetera, etcetera. She was trying to suck me back in, only I'm immune to it now. I just don't care anymore. All I care about is me and my daughter. I don't want to be on her team or play her silly little game. If she has a problem with her son, then she shouldn't let him live under her roof and use her.
On a positive note, I did finish my homework and do the dishes while she was here, so at least there's that...
1- Waking up to both their tactics.
2 - Being sucked in.
I always knew AXBF had "tactics," but I never thought his mother had them. Today, she was like smothered in windex: I could see right through her! Codependents engage in the exact same behaviors as the addicts they enable.
Lying: The first thing AXBF's mother told me was that she and her son hadn't planned to run into each other at the park near my house. I know what you're thinking--what a coincidence! Well, keep in mind that AXBF does work about a mile or so from my house; however, he has not been working since he wound up in the hospital. If he wasn't on his way to work, then why would he have reason to be riding his bike through the park near my house? ABSOLUTE BULLSH!T
Blaming: Following a very brief apology, in which she admitted to not being able to say no to her very persistent son and apologized for not being stronger and doing the right thing, she proceeded to blame her son for, well, pretty much everything. He is the one to blame. He did this to her. He doesn't even care about how much he hurts anyone. I thought, wait a minute. It takes two to tango, and even if your story is true and the meeting wasn't premeditated, you should have walked away and ignored him, and if that didn't work, you should have called the police. You were her caregiver, not him. You were the sober one, not him.
Manipulating: Once she established that it was all her son's fault and she an innocent victim, she tried to return to our previous dynamic of "us vs. him." The only problem? I still feel like it's me vs. them. She told me all about AXBF's continuing downward spiral. He is still drinking so heavily that he stumbles around her house. He says he doesn't care if he has to go to jail. He keeps getting medical bills he can't afford and saying he'll just let them go to collections. Etcetera, etcetera. She was trying to suck me back in, only I'm immune to it now. I just don't care anymore. All I care about is me and my daughter. I don't want to be on her team or play her silly little game. If she has a problem with her son, then she shouldn't let him live under her roof and use her.
On a positive note, I did finish my homework and do the dishes while she was here, so at least there's that...
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think you should tell her just what you said. That you don't care about any of that, and that you are not tied to that anymore, and don't have to be. Your #1 priority is your child, and if she wants to be around said child, it has to be hers as well.
I often think about this as so many with addiction problems seem to end up back with the parents, or even grandparents. I have to feel for them b/c I cannot imagine how hard it is to see their own child or grandchild with this behavior and not be able to do anything about it. Having your qualifier be your child is an entirely different ballgame mentally, grown or not.
That being said, it's not OK what she did, and if she needs to vent and draw someone in, she needs Alanon, CR, or a therapist (or all of the above). Maybe have some Alanon literature handy to give to her and see what she says about that.
Big huge hugs!
I often think about this as so many with addiction problems seem to end up back with the parents, or even grandparents. I have to feel for them b/c I cannot imagine how hard it is to see their own child or grandchild with this behavior and not be able to do anything about it. Having your qualifier be your child is an entirely different ballgame mentally, grown or not.
That being said, it's not OK what she did, and if she needs to vent and draw someone in, she needs Alanon, CR, or a therapist (or all of the above). Maybe have some Alanon literature handy to give to her and see what she says about that.
Big huge hugs!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Gosh, I wonder where your ex learned to manipulate people ...
MIL sounds like she has mastered two techniques, "poor-me" and "triangulation". Any genuine apology gets deflected into "but I really didn't mean to, it just happened, it's so hard having a son like that, etc etc..." which leads smoothly into "we both understand how hard it is, we can bond over our shared understanding of how messed up ex is, it's the two of us against him ..." (which, you are absolutely right, under other circumstances turns into Mom and Alcoholic Son against SaveHer).
I am only too familiar with both of those tactics and they are both utter crap. Good for you for seeing through them. The use of those tactics is a huge red flag that this is someone you can't trust, who is not good for you to be around.
MIL sounds like she has mastered two techniques, "poor-me" and "triangulation". Any genuine apology gets deflected into "but I really didn't mean to, it just happened, it's so hard having a son like that, etc etc..." which leads smoothly into "we both understand how hard it is, we can bond over our shared understanding of how messed up ex is, it's the two of us against him ..." (which, you are absolutely right, under other circumstances turns into Mom and Alcoholic Son against SaveHer).
I am only too familiar with both of those tactics and they are both utter crap. Good for you for seeing through them. The use of those tactics is a huge red flag that this is someone you can't trust, who is not good for you to be around.
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