I always default to divorce
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I always default to divorce
So I told my ah last week I hated his drinking and that I wished he would spend the evenings upstairs with family. He usually 'works' downstairs while drinking during the day then eats dinner and goes back downstairs until he comes to bed at 3am. I have been miserable since we've had our triplets (6yrs) and constantly think of divorcing him. He is super self centered, mean, ignores everyone but his friends, etc.
When I really think about it, I decide I need to at least go to some al-anon meetings and meet with a therapist before following through. I do the worst thing ever and tell him I want a divorce during heated fights. Of course he thinks I'm bluffing, which it seems I am. I am totally codependent and realize this. I know I cannot control him, just myself. I just hate how he punishes me by ignoring the family and pouts.
Truly I don't see this improving. He got mad at me today because I went to a spiritual class. Usually I'd work today but I took it off to take this class. I lied to him by not telling him my plans. He yelled "do you think a spiritual class was a good idea?" all disgusted at me. Plus this happened after we had a major fight last night and so that was enough for him to storm out and come back with Windsor and cigs. I'm sure he feels justified and now he is mowing the lawn to avoid me/family.
I'm just tired of this. I never do anything for myself truly. The ONLY time there's peace is if I leave him to ignore us and not say anything about drinking or anything remotely critical.
His job history goes like this- he gets a job, deems himself the golden child at the office. Then after a year or less starts talking about what a ******* his boss is. Then eventually gets fired. It's like clockwork. He cannot handle criticism and lashes out if he feels attacked.
According to him I am evil bitch who makes him feel bad by saying horrible things to him. I just am tired of this. All the other women at the class were talking about their supportive husbands and I just sat there thinking "I'm going to get the silent treatment if lucky" I honestly hate his guts. He would suffer financially without me and will not leave this house. he will be a ******* and I know it. I am stuck here in hell.
I just go straight to divorce when things are like this. Since we fight so much I think about divorce often! I just don't want to do something rash because he's mad at me and I don't like it. Truly I just hate him though! I don't see life being pleasant ever with him
When I really think about it, I decide I need to at least go to some al-anon meetings and meet with a therapist before following through. I do the worst thing ever and tell him I want a divorce during heated fights. Of course he thinks I'm bluffing, which it seems I am. I am totally codependent and realize this. I know I cannot control him, just myself. I just hate how he punishes me by ignoring the family and pouts.
Truly I don't see this improving. He got mad at me today because I went to a spiritual class. Usually I'd work today but I took it off to take this class. I lied to him by not telling him my plans. He yelled "do you think a spiritual class was a good idea?" all disgusted at me. Plus this happened after we had a major fight last night and so that was enough for him to storm out and come back with Windsor and cigs. I'm sure he feels justified and now he is mowing the lawn to avoid me/family.
I'm just tired of this. I never do anything for myself truly. The ONLY time there's peace is if I leave him to ignore us and not say anything about drinking or anything remotely critical.
His job history goes like this- he gets a job, deems himself the golden child at the office. Then after a year or less starts talking about what a ******* his boss is. Then eventually gets fired. It's like clockwork. He cannot handle criticism and lashes out if he feels attacked.
According to him I am evil bitch who makes him feel bad by saying horrible things to him. I just am tired of this. All the other women at the class were talking about their supportive husbands and I just sat there thinking "I'm going to get the silent treatment if lucky" I honestly hate his guts. He would suffer financially without me and will not leave this house. he will be a ******* and I know it. I am stuck here in hell.
I just go straight to divorce when things are like this. Since we fight so much I think about divorce often! I just don't want to do something rash because he's mad at me and I don't like it. Truly I just hate him though! I don't see life being pleasant ever with him
Last edited by Mamapajama; 09-16-2017 at 04:45 PM. Reason: Clarify title
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Hi,
I am new here too. As I just discovered after posting yesterday, you are not alone in hell! All of our hells are a little different, but they are all painful. And each of us can do some things to help ourselves.
I feel your frustration. Keep posting and reading. You are strong and not an evil bitch! You will figure things out in due time and in a way that's healthy for you, if you just keep focusing on looking out for yourself.
I am new here too. As I just discovered after posting yesterday, you are not alone in hell! All of our hells are a little different, but they are all painful. And each of us can do some things to help ourselves.
I feel your frustration. Keep posting and reading. You are strong and not an evil bitch! You will figure things out in due time and in a way that's healthy for you, if you just keep focusing on looking out for yourself.
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Join Date: May 2017
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Welcome. I'm fairly new on here too, and my gosh I relate to every single thing you write about. I recommend you going to al anon and working with a therapist on your own! That's what I have been doing. Especially since the healthier you get the more likely it is that your husband will try to tear you down and call you selfish like mine has been doing. And try to suck you back in. This forum helps a lot too.
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Thanks! I thought about it and realized that I was being deceitful by letting him assume I was working. I sent him a apology text saying so. He didn't reply. He never accepts a apology "you SHOULD feel bad!" but alas I do feel better having apologized for something I know was wrong. It's not up to me if he accepts it. I also did it for myself more than him as I did feel guilty. I should not do the very things that I know are wrong. If he wants to be stubborn, so be it!
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Mammapajama...I reread your post several times....because I think I must h ave missed something? I just don't see where you "lied" to him....?
After all, you are an adult with free will and you have the right to take a spiritual class or any kind of class that you want to. You don't need his permission. If you had chosen to tell him as a courtesy, that is another thing.
He is not your father or your warden. He doesn't have a higher status or value than you...you are his equal.
I just don't see where you owed him an apology for anything...and I certainly don't think you have a thing to feel guilty about.....
***by the way, if he gives you any grief about alanon (in the future)....I think it is perfectly o.k. to say that it is a woman's enrichment class (that is not a lie...lol..)
I think that the most important thing, here, is that you need to attend to your own welfare as the first priority......
After all, you are an adult with free will and you have the right to take a spiritual class or any kind of class that you want to. You don't need his permission. If you had chosen to tell him as a courtesy, that is another thing.
He is not your father or your warden. He doesn't have a higher status or value than you...you are his equal.
I just don't see where you owed him an apology for anything...and I certainly don't think you have a thing to feel guilty about.....
***by the way, if he gives you any grief about alanon (in the future)....I think it is perfectly o.k. to say that it is a woman's enrichment class (that is not a lie...lol..)
I think that the most important thing, here, is that you need to attend to your own welfare as the first priority......
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Mamapajama, it sounds like both you and AH have issues to work on. I'm not saying that you SHOULD stay together, or NOT stay together; there is no way I could ever know what is best. However, what I hear here when you say "I always default to divorce" is that you see him as the cause of all your problems.
I felt the same way about XAH--at first, it was "if only he'd get sober, my life would be great!" Later on that started to change to "if only he was out of my life, my life would be great!" What I eventually learned was that, while he was ONE of the problems in my life, he was not the ONLY one--I had a whole slew of my own that I, me myself, was responsible for solving.
Leaving a dysfunctional relationship, whether an alcoholic one or not, isn't like removing a sliver, where once the offending object is gone, healing is complete and quick. While you are not the cause of his drinking, you do have a part in the dance of dysfunction here (lying about being at work?).
I hope you take time to read around the forums and also that you read the "stickies" at the top of the page. Alanon was another thing that helped me, and I'd strongly suggest it to you also.
Keep reading and posting--there are answers. They almost surely won't be easy, quick or comfortable, but they WILL be worth it.
I felt the same way about XAH--at first, it was "if only he'd get sober, my life would be great!" Later on that started to change to "if only he was out of my life, my life would be great!" What I eventually learned was that, while he was ONE of the problems in my life, he was not the ONLY one--I had a whole slew of my own that I, me myself, was responsible for solving.
Leaving a dysfunctional relationship, whether an alcoholic one or not, isn't like removing a sliver, where once the offending object is gone, healing is complete and quick. While you are not the cause of his drinking, you do have a part in the dance of dysfunction here (lying about being at work?).
I hope you take time to read around the forums and also that you read the "stickies" at the top of the page. Alanon was another thing that helped me, and I'd strongly suggest it to you also.
Keep reading and posting--there are answers. They almost surely won't be easy, quick or comfortable, but they WILL be worth it.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 76
What Honeypig said. Definitely the dysfunction always goes both ways.
What I'm learning about myself is that while his use is not my fault and I can't control whether he does or doesn't, the fact that I have stayed through miserable cycles for years is all about me and only I can fix it.
What I'm learning about myself is that while his use is not my fault and I can't control whether he does or doesn't, the fact that I have stayed through miserable cycles for years is all about me and only I can fix it.
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I guess I didn't lie but I let him think I was going somewhere else. He has done that to me in the form of going to bar while during work hours. He has a fit if he has to be alone with the kids for something not work (won't admit it) so I didn't tell him and it's completely blown up in my face.
He sent me this text earlier
I'm not the bad guy. If you are going to go to an allonon meeting then you should also go to; a shop acholic meeting, my mom if a mess meeting, my dad has foot in mouth disease meeting, I hate doing housework meeting, and I'm a liar meeting.
We are fighting non stop and according to him it's all my fault of course. We are both toxic to each other and I am sick to death about it. I think he is MAJORLY overreacting to yesterday.
I keep trying to reason with him and it's of course going nowhere.
I hate this- I hate him so much
He sent me this text earlier
I'm not the bad guy. If you are going to go to an allonon meeting then you should also go to; a shop acholic meeting, my mom if a mess meeting, my dad has foot in mouth disease meeting, I hate doing housework meeting, and I'm a liar meeting.
We are fighting non stop and according to him it's all my fault of course. We are both toxic to each other and I am sick to death about it. I think he is MAJORLY overreacting to yesterday.
I keep trying to reason with him and it's of course going nowhere.
I hate this- I hate him so much
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I guess my title was my wondering if I'm just thinking "divorce" every time I'm upset. It's just he's done so much that he will not admit. Everything would be fine if it weren't for me (according to him) I sent him a apology/olive branch and it almost poured gasoline on a already big fire. If he sent me a heartfelt apology I would be so happy.
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he sounds like a truly awful person. entitled, full of self, hostile and controlling. the longer this goes on, the harder it will be for you to make a break. and it sounds like a break is in order......
i work in cancer research and our group monitors the data from a clinical trial....observing the levels of toxicity and adverse events of the patients. there are what are considered 'acceptable' levels of both IF overall the majority of patients are benefiting from the treatment. but once those thresholds are crossed (futility), the trial is stopped. we recently had a trial with a new combo of drugs and everything indicated this combo should IMPROVE the treatment success. however, when the trial was started the results were disastrous, the trial was quickly halted.
my point is we too have thresholds of toxicity and adverse events. however we must be our own monitors. we must be in tune with ourselves, with our inner monitor and we must be able to call a halt. toxicity can be deadly......
i work in cancer research and our group monitors the data from a clinical trial....observing the levels of toxicity and adverse events of the patients. there are what are considered 'acceptable' levels of both IF overall the majority of patients are benefiting from the treatment. but once those thresholds are crossed (futility), the trial is stopped. we recently had a trial with a new combo of drugs and everything indicated this combo should IMPROVE the treatment success. however, when the trial was started the results were disastrous, the trial was quickly halted.
my point is we too have thresholds of toxicity and adverse events. however we must be our own monitors. we must be in tune with ourselves, with our inner monitor and we must be able to call a halt. toxicity can be deadly......
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Thank you! I completely agree! It's funny because I kept saying "this is a toxic relationship! Not good for anyone!" His answer is very much "if you would only... everything would be fine!"
He projects onto me and anyone else close to him. His sister is very successful and awesome. He worships her. When she had a issue with him his answer was "maybe she isn't as great as we all think" not maybe she has a point!
The problem isn't solely him of course. I fight back and argue with him. Our arguments are usually me just defending myself. I do a lot of JADEing. It's such a waste of energy!
The phrase "if you run into a55holes all day long, YOU are the a55hole!" Completely is lost onto him.
He has a ton of friends and many people feel comfortable with him instantly. It's because they aren't asking anything of him that is difficult. He completely turns if he feels someone is criticizing him. Yet sits there and pouts that he feels guilty everyday and hates himself, and it's my fault, or his catholic guilt, or whatever. He doesn't see that he is victimizing himself and pretty much standing in his way.
It's just hard to live with someone who will get mad at you for things they do.
He will never quit, if he did he will never go to meetings. That's why I feel pretty hopeless at any change.
He projects onto me and anyone else close to him. His sister is very successful and awesome. He worships her. When she had a issue with him his answer was "maybe she isn't as great as we all think" not maybe she has a point!
The problem isn't solely him of course. I fight back and argue with him. Our arguments are usually me just defending myself. I do a lot of JADEing. It's such a waste of energy!
The phrase "if you run into a55holes all day long, YOU are the a55hole!" Completely is lost onto him.
He has a ton of friends and many people feel comfortable with him instantly. It's because they aren't asking anything of him that is difficult. He completely turns if he feels someone is criticizing him. Yet sits there and pouts that he feels guilty everyday and hates himself, and it's my fault, or his catholic guilt, or whatever. He doesn't see that he is victimizing himself and pretty much standing in his way.
It's just hard to live with someone who will get mad at you for things they do.
He will never quit, if he did he will never go to meetings. That's why I feel pretty hopeless at any change.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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The problem isn't solely him of course. I fight back and argue with him. Our arguments are usually me just defending myself. I do a lot of JADEing. It's such a waste of energy!
it's tough NOT to do that......it takes tools, skill and practice. detachment is an art. but it is only a short term solution, not a lifestyle. it's good you understand JADE.
however, please use caution...in volatile, toxic situations when one partner ceases to behave in the expected "role" the other can really feel threatened and ramp up the attacks, not exclusive of violent/abusive acts.
it's tough NOT to do that......it takes tools, skill and practice. detachment is an art. but it is only a short term solution, not a lifestyle. it's good you understand JADE.
however, please use caution...in volatile, toxic situations when one partner ceases to behave in the expected "role" the other can really feel threatened and ramp up the attacks, not exclusive of violent/abusive acts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by honeypig 
Mamapajama, it sounds like both you and AH have issues to work on. I'm not saying that you SHOULD stay together, or NOT stay together; there is no way I could ever know what is best. However, what I hear here when you say "I always default to divorce" is that you see him as the cause of all your problems.
I felt the same way about XAH--at first, it was "if only he'd get sober, my life would be great!" Later on that started to change to "if only he was out of my life, my life would be great!" What I eventually learned was that, while he was ONE of the problems in my life, he was not the ONLY one--I had a whole slew of my own that I, me myself, was responsible for solving.
Leaving a dysfunctional relationship, whether an alcoholic one or not, isn't like removing a sliver, where once the offending object is gone, healing is complete and quick. While you are not the cause of his drinking, you do have a part in the dance of dysfunction here (lying about being at work?).
I hope you take time to read around the forums and also that you read the "stickies" at the top of the page. Alanon was another thing that helped me, and I'd strongly suggest it to you also.
Keep reading and posting--there are answers. They almost surely won't be easy, quick or comfortable, but they WILL be worth it.
I felt the same way about XAH--at first, it was "if only he'd get sober, my life would be great!" Later on that started to change to "if only he was out of my life, my life would be great!" What I eventually learned was that, while he was ONE of the problems in my life, he was not the ONLY one--I had a whole slew of my own that I, me myself, was responsible for solving.
Leaving a dysfunctional relationship, whether an alcoholic one or not, isn't like removing a sliver, where once the offending object is gone, healing is complete and quick. While you are not the cause of his drinking, you do have a part in the dance of dysfunction here (lying about being at work?).
I hope you take time to read around the forums and also that you read the "stickies" at the top of the page. Alanon was another thing that helped me, and I'd strongly suggest it to you also.
Keep reading and posting--there are answers. They almost surely won't be easy, quick or comfortable, but they WILL be worth it.
I do NOT feel that way at all! He quit for 1 year and some months a few years ago. He was way worse to be around! Very much dry drunk behaviors. He got himself fired from yet another 'a55hole' and then started a company without talking with me about it. Our house was paid for so he mortgaged it and worked non-stop. His company earned 0 money, zero. For a good 2+ years but would not stop and admit that it failed.
We never saw him and when we did he was extremely irritable. It's the only reason I do not say I wish he'd quit drinking. I just wish he'd quit being a selfish immature person. I really don't ever see him admitting fault or seeing that he needs to change because he is very stubborn.
I think I'm done with him. I cannot think of a time period in the last 7 years that he wasn't awful to be around.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
The problem isn't solely him of course. I fight back and argue with him. Our arguments are usually me just defending myself. I do a lot of JADEing. It's such a waste of energy!
it's tough NOT to do that......it takes tools, skill and practice. detachment is an art. but it is only a short term solution, not a lifestyle. it's good you understand JADE.
however, please use caution...in volatile, toxic situations when one partner ceases to behave in the expected "role" the other can really feel threatened and ramp up the attacks, not exclusive of violent/abusive acts.
it's tough NOT to do that......it takes tools, skill and practice. detachment is an art. but it is only a short term solution, not a lifestyle. it's good you understand JADE.
however, please use caution...in volatile, toxic situations when one partner ceases to behave in the expected "role" the other can really feel threatened and ramp up the attacks, not exclusive of violent/abusive acts.
He is acting like super dad right now and I can't explain but he does it out of spite! I don't understand why he would think that would hurt me? I want him to be superdad!! That's one of my complaints that he ignores us for the most part! I think it's so he can throw it in my face later "I was playing with the kids on Sunday!!" Yeah jokes on me I guess? I love days where he plays with them. I can count on one hand the days like this though.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Hang in there - When people are experiencing a lot of pain and don't want to deal with it - it comes out! How we speak to people is all about us, and not the other people. He's getting on your case about meetings and trying to pounce on every flaw you have because he's unwilling, afraid, etc to deal with his own.
The disease of alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful.
I have heard said and repeat myself - the alcoholic is wrapped around the bottle and us in Al-anon, we're wrapped around the alcoholic! We get obsessed with what they're doing, saying, etc and try to take control and drive ourselves crazy! We didn't cause, cannot control, and cannot cure the disease of alcoholism.
But, we can take care of ourselves. Keep going to meetings - I'm willing to bet he's insulting your "going to Al-anon" is because he feels threatened. When we al-anon people find emotional strength and start healing and getting better - the disease HATES it! we're supposed to take care of it, right?
Anyways, take care of you - go to meetings, write on this board - whatever you can to take care of you. For me, I really couldn't learn how to stop the crazy train until I had been going to meetings for a while. Stuffing all those feelings for years was a massive undertaking to unravel.
My suggestion - just keep coming back. Keep going to meetings -- especially if you feel better after leaving them. For me, I feel better EVERY time. I deserve to have some peace and serenity and so do you.
Hang in there. The alcoholism is pure craziness.
The disease of alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful.
I have heard said and repeat myself - the alcoholic is wrapped around the bottle and us in Al-anon, we're wrapped around the alcoholic! We get obsessed with what they're doing, saying, etc and try to take control and drive ourselves crazy! We didn't cause, cannot control, and cannot cure the disease of alcoholism.
But, we can take care of ourselves. Keep going to meetings - I'm willing to bet he's insulting your "going to Al-anon" is because he feels threatened. When we al-anon people find emotional strength and start healing and getting better - the disease HATES it! we're supposed to take care of it, right?
Anyways, take care of you - go to meetings, write on this board - whatever you can to take care of you. For me, I really couldn't learn how to stop the crazy train until I had been going to meetings for a while. Stuffing all those feelings for years was a massive undertaking to unravel.
My suggestion - just keep coming back. Keep going to meetings -- especially if you feel better after leaving them. For me, I feel better EVERY time. I deserve to have some peace and serenity and so do you.
Hang in there. The alcoholism is pure craziness.
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You are definitely not alone, I've been through it. RAH spent every night ignoring family and in the garage getting wasted. Everything was my fault. I threatened divorce many times to his deaf ears. We have 7 yr old twins and and another 11 yr old daughter. He quit drinking recently for the third time and things are much better but his mind is still in the dry drunk fog at times. The best week I've had in the past few years was when he left to visit his buddy in another state. When drinking, he is a monster to us to but fun and helpful to all his friends. I resented that for years. Still do. Don't believe his blame game and mean insults directed at you. When my RAH isn't drinking, he never calls me all the disgusting names or tells me how he does everything and I do nothing, etc. All of that bravo was just his addiction talking. There can be a light at the end of the tunnel but he has to decide to change. I am not going to tell you that you need to focus on you and fix you, because I don't believe we are problem. However, what I am doing is getting my finances in order and looking for a better job just in case in the future....well you know the rest. I want to be able to leave if and when I have to. And as far as being scared to be a single mom with 3 kids, we pretty much already are and have been for a long time. Good luck to you. There are lots of people here who understand what we are going through and can give insight and advice. It has helped me a lot.
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Mp,
Doesn't sound like a fun home to live in for anyone, let alone triplets with special needs. I lived in this environment 3/4 of my life, until I was going crazy. It took lot of work on my part, but I got out, and you can too, if that is what your choose.
You and your kids deserve so much more then what the father of your children is offering. In fact he offers nothing. Keep reading this forum and realize he is really not worth all the anxiety. Build up your strength and figure out if this is what you want, a life sentence with a self centered addict. Hugs, there is a lot of support for us codies.
Doesn't sound like a fun home to live in for anyone, let alone triplets with special needs. I lived in this environment 3/4 of my life, until I was going crazy. It took lot of work on my part, but I got out, and you can too, if that is what your choose.
You and your kids deserve so much more then what the father of your children is offering. In fact he offers nothing. Keep reading this forum and realize he is really not worth all the anxiety. Build up your strength and figure out if this is what you want, a life sentence with a self centered addict. Hugs, there is a lot of support for us codies.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Okay... what is JADE? Is it useful? Should I know it?
Also, you said he completely turns if someone is criticizing him, he sits there, pouts, feels guilty, yet it's not his fault. He sees himself as the victim. My AH (soon to be ex, I hope! God give me strength) was/is like this too. He was/is ALWAYS the victim. He was drugging because he hated himself and felt like a victim. I feel that this sort of person eventually can become very dangerous. My AH eventually became violent. That was my breaking point: no one should ever feel unsafe around their spouse -- it doesn't matter what you said to him or what you didn't do for him -- no one EVER deserves to feel unsafe with the people they are supposed to trust. I'm saying that even though it's still hard for me to move on because it's lonely being alone.
Also, you said he completely turns if someone is criticizing him, he sits there, pouts, feels guilty, yet it's not his fault. He sees himself as the victim. My AH (soon to be ex, I hope! God give me strength) was/is like this too. He was/is ALWAYS the victim. He was drugging because he hated himself and felt like a victim. I feel that this sort of person eventually can become very dangerous. My AH eventually became violent. That was my breaking point: no one should ever feel unsafe around their spouse -- it doesn't matter what you said to him or what you didn't do for him -- no one EVER deserves to feel unsafe with the people they are supposed to trust. I'm saying that even though it's still hard for me to move on because it's lonely being alone.
Originally Posted by Mamapajama
Thank you! I completely agree! It's funny because I kept saying "this is a toxic relationship! Not good for anyone!" His answer is very much "if you would only... everything would be fine!"
He projects onto me and anyone else close to him. His sister is very successful and awesome. He worships her. When she had a issue with him his answer was "maybe she isn't as great as we all think" not maybe she has a point!
The problem isn't solely him of course. I fight back and argue with him. Our arguments are usually me just defending myself. I do a lot of JADEing. It's such a waste of energy!
The phrase "if you run into a55holes all day long, YOU are the a55hole!" Completely is lost onto him.
He has a ton of friends and many people feel comfortable with him instantly. It's because they aren't asking anything of him that is difficult. He completely turns if he feels someone is criticizing him. Yet sits there and pouts that he feels guilty everyday and hates himself, and it's my fault, or his catholic guilt, or whatever. He doesn't see that he is victimizing himself and pretty much standing in his way.
It's just hard to live with someone who will get mad at you for things they do.
He will never quit, if he did he will never go to meetings. That's why I feel pretty hopeless at any change.
He projects onto me and anyone else close to him. His sister is very successful and awesome. He worships her. When she had a issue with him his answer was "maybe she isn't as great as we all think" not maybe she has a point!
The problem isn't solely him of course. I fight back and argue with him. Our arguments are usually me just defending myself. I do a lot of JADEing. It's such a waste of energy!
The phrase "if you run into a55holes all day long, YOU are the a55hole!" Completely is lost onto him.
He has a ton of friends and many people feel comfortable with him instantly. It's because they aren't asking anything of him that is difficult. He completely turns if he feels someone is criticizing him. Yet sits there and pouts that he feels guilty everyday and hates himself, and it's my fault, or his catholic guilt, or whatever. He doesn't see that he is victimizing himself and pretty much standing in his way.
It's just hard to live with someone who will get mad at you for things they do.
He will never quit, if he did he will never go to meetings. That's why I feel pretty hopeless at any change.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Good Morning...
Just a question. What is it that you are teaching your children about healthy relationships?
I'm not being judgmental, believe me I've been where you are but this is something I want you to really think about..... You don't have to post an answer, I just want you to think about it.
We are here.... ((Big Hug))
Just a question. What is it that you are teaching your children about healthy relationships?
I'm not being judgmental, believe me I've been where you are but this is something I want you to really think about..... You don't have to post an answer, I just want you to think about it.
We are here.... ((Big Hug))
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by Mamapajama
I just wish he'd quit being a selfish immature person. I really don't ever see him admitting fault or seeing that he needs to change because he is very stubborn.
And he does have every right to live his life as he chooses. I'm not defending him, just saying that he's made it pretty clear what HIS choice is. The next move is yours, but it has to be a REAL move, not just "he is wrong, his choices are wrong, and he needs to change."
I think I'm done with him. I cannot think of a time period in the last 7 years that he wasn't awful to be around.
What's first --getting your initial consultation w/a good lawyer? Getting finances/transportation/living arrangements sorted out? Wherever you start, that step forward is going to do you way more good than stewing in anger and frustration that AH is who he is. You know what they say about silk purses and sow's ears, right?
Onward! Upward! Forward!
ETA: Not to say I don't get the whole anger/disappointment/feeling betrayed thing. I DO get it, in a big way. And anger is great if you're using it as fuel to propel yourself forward. But if not, it's nothing but a great big energy suck--feel it, let it go and move on.
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