Becki67

Hi Everyone,

T minus 11 days until I can move into the home. I haven't told him I'm moving yet. I haven't actually spoken to him at all since he came home Friday. I avoid him. He's been sober and pleasant and I know I should say something to him, but I just can't yet.

I haven't been sleeping well and I'm very anxious right now, on the verge of a panic attack. In fact, I feel one coming on now. I'm also sick and have been trying to kick this respiratory virus for the past two weeks. My immune system must be shot due to all this stress. During my relationship with him, I have been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder (no wonder!), but I haven't had a panic attack in a few years now.

What is wrong with me? I so want to leave and I keep that picture in my head of having that chaos free life. I HAVE to go. If I don't change something, nothing will change. I know that and I'm determined to go through with this.

I just needed to talk to you guys.

Thanks.

SparkleKitty

Hey Becki67, just wanted to let you know I'm here and listening.

Try to just focus on doing the next right thing, and keep breathing!

dandylion

Becki.....what you are fearing (telling him) will not be as bad as what you are feeling, right now. What you are already living is much worse.
LOL..I am always talking about the short-term pain for the long-term gain...

You can take this to the bank---your knees may be shaking, but the courage that you have inside, will come forward at just the very second that you really need it. That is the way it always works. Courage is not the absence of fear. It is doing what you need to do in spite of fear.

Here is my suggestion.....take a piece of paper and write the facts, that you need to tell him, on it. Just the essential facts...no need to write a book about it.
Make it concise and short. Then, read it to him...like reading from a teleprompter, if necessary..... If that is how you can get the words out....
Once he hears the words...then you are freed up from this burden of dread...and you can move forward.....The dread really is the worst part...so get it over with....
Stop trying to make it, totally, pain free,...there is no way of doing that....

Actually, courage comes much easier when it is the only option.....

Becki67

Thank you. I know enough to know it's a combination of being ill for so long and not telling him what's going on. I don't really know why I'm afraid to tell him. I've said it to him so many times before. I guess because every other time I said it, I didn't mean it and didn't really believe I would. Now that I really mean it and believe I will, it's harder. Does that make any sense at all?

I'm taking deep breaths and took the dog for a cruise. I need to get out of this house but I feel like crap.

Becki67

You are absolutely right. I started crying while reading your post which is my signal that the panic attack is over. Those are the words I needed. Thank you.

dandylion

Becki...oh, yeah....it makes sense....I believe that you are saying that you don't trust yourself...when you don't have him as a "safety net".....a fear of being on your own.....fear of the unknown....
It is much more comfortable with the "devil that you know".
As miserable as you describe (and, I believe that you are)....such misery has become your normal....your comfort zone......
This is what it sounds like to me.....

Becki67

I always thought I was stronger than that, but you're right. I've actually said those words...he's the devil that I know and I've lived this way for so long that a little longer wouldn't hurt me...then he goes on a binge and it starts all over. I have to break the cycle...I know that and I want to and I will.

I've gone this far and walking into the new house last weekend, I got a glimpse of a much much better life. I have hope. So, I'll focus on what I'm going to say and I'm going to tell him today.

You must have a lot of experience dealing with individuals with anxiety. You understood that I was just building up all the dread/fear in my mind. It's an irrational fear, I know. Thank you so much!

dandylion

Becki.....I will be waiting, here, to hear how it goes.....
lol....oh, yes, I am no stranger to anxiety. I know that, usually, it is the fear of the fear that is the main problem.....

Lilro

You've got this girl! Head up!

Smarie78

Thank you for the inspiration Becki. I am terrified of leaving my qualifier. I know I am not unique and this can and has been done over and over and we CAN live a peaceful life if we succumb to short term pain. As much as I am sorry for the panic you are going through (I suffer from GAD also, but thank God flare up has been at bay for the last 6 years!), I want to tell you that it is a GOOD thing.
When I was 17 and had my first real panic attack which later developed into GAD - basically a 6 month long feeling of panic and dread, my therapist shared with me that this was my first symptom of healing. I thought she was crazy, how could this be a good thing when I felt so bad? It turns out that all the pain I was in, all the suffering I kept bottled up, was manifesting itself and coming up to the surface. Everthing I pushed down for so long couldn't be held any longer. I was like a pressure cooker and my body was trying to get my attention that it needed some TLC.

So embrace the fear, know that these are symptoms of change. And they are scary and awful, but they will bring you to the other other side of permanent serenity.

Much love and luck to you. Proud of you

Becki67

Well, we just had the talk and it went better than I expected. Don't get me wrong...I know that the begging, crying, drinking and such will rear it's ugly head before we move, but I feel good about my decision. He promised to get help, promised to change and said that I don't have to leave the house. I told him that's great, but don't do that thinking that I'm going to stay. I told him that he can't get well if he's doing it for any other reason than himself. I will work on myself and he will work on himself. I told him that I would be there to support him IF he's showing that he's working on himself but ONLY if he's doing that.

I think we were both relieved, actually. We're both miserable and stuck doing the same old same old. One of us had to make the move and I think he was almost glad that I did it for us.

But, it's out in the open and we're working on a plan for the house now.

No more panic attacks.

I'll keep you all posted. Thanks for being there for me!

honeypig

Becki, what dandy said here described me to a T while still involved w/XAH. I totally get what you were saying, panic attacks and all.

You're moving forward, and you're gonna be OK. We're all here for you, and your big shiny new peaceful fun inspired lovely life is waiting for you!

dandylion

Becki...Congrats, on getting this dreaded part over with. I know that you were scared, but, your courage came through....