Nola0250

Hi, I am new. I've been lurking for a week or two. I've been married to my alcoholic husband for 14 years. He's a "functional alcoholic." Meaning, everyone thinks he's awesome even though most of them know he drinks too much. He has held down a job (though underemployed) except for one 18 month stint where he just couldn't find a job (and didn't look much until I finally put my foot down). In addition to the alcohol, he hoards and overspends our income buying all kinds of stuff on the internet. My complaints have generally been characterized as unreasonable and blowing issues out of proportion. Doesn't help that my family (without knowing all the details) would frequently support that position. Apparently, I do that, according to them, too.

A few months back, after several years of feeling like I was losing it, I finally decided to see a therapist to try to figure out how to get control of my life. Interestingly enough though AH's drinking was one of the issues I brought up, I didn't initially identify it as the main event, despite the blowups we've had over the years and my threats to leave in the past. A couple years ago I was trying to figure out how to get my self to leave him, when he developed some severe (not alcohol related) health problems. Now that he's healthy again, I went to the therapist to work on me.

Wow am I ever codependent. I was floored by what is in restrospect completely obvious. And considering my family life growing up, my behavior as well as their initial reactions to my complaints about him make complete sense. Fortunately my family now gets it (pretty much) and support my decision (if I actually make it) to leave him.

I confronted him a month ago with his drinking even after the recent health problems, the spending issues, and demanded specific budget changes, that he stop drinking, and that he see a therapist, all of which he has refused ever time in the past. I felt like I had to demand this one last time and have him refuse, then I'd leave. Problem is, he didn't refuse. He actually admitted he had a problem (first time he's done that), agreed to the budget changes and has stuck with them (I know, for a whole month - not a lot yet) and went to a therapist experienced in substance abuse as well as marriage and family counseling, who he is seeing for individual sessions and we are also seeing together.

When drunk, he is frequently verbally abusive and at a minimum dismissive. When pushed he has historically done the minimum required to keep me from walking out the door. I feel like this is probably no different but it's hard to leave when an effort is actually being made. The combination of shock, irritation, optimism, pessimism and uncertainty I'm dealing with right now is giving me an emotional indigestion I can barely stand.

Oh, and it also turns out that while he hasn't had a drink in a month, he did have a marijuana edible and didn't think it would be relevant to mention that. He is a chronic liar. More often he implies or allows me to believe what is not true without actually clearly stating the lie. I have known this for years and yet, here a still am. I have somehow allowed myself to ignore it, most of the time. In addition to lying about drinking, smoking, spending, and many other issues (infidelity is not an issue), he is frequently fun, witty, charming and sometimes kind.

Today for some reason I felt a sudden clarity that I need to leave and that I can't "detach" and work on fixing myself in his presence. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just needed to say all that. Thanks for listening.

dejavuwife

That is a whole lot of realization in a relatively short period of time. Try to absorb it for a while...there is no timer. Take it one step at a time.

SparkleKitty

Hi Nola, and welcome. Really glad you posted, and very sorry for the position you are in.

I think your clarity today was spot-on. You deserve whatever time and space you need to deal with your own issues, regardless of whatever he is or isn't doing. You've waited fourteen years already; you don't have to wait one more minute.

Stick around and keep posting!

Nola0250

Thanks for the kind replies. It helps to read these stories and know that I'm not alone in dealing with these kinds of issues. The thing is, mine is not that bad. But, I actually deserve more than Not That Bad. Somehow I have to internalize that well enough to act. Again, thanks.

Bekindalways

Welcome Nola. I am so glad you found us and posted.

I've often wondered if dealing with an alcoholic who is shaping up is more difficult than just the alcoholic. With my Qualifier there was absolutely no hope so the decision was crystal clear . . .. excruciatingly painful but clear.

Those of you whose Qualifiers make attempts to get better mean you live in a kind of limbo. You said something about Emotional Indigestion that sounds right on.

Keep reading and posting and let us know how you get on. Unfortunately there is no painless way forward from this situation.

FeelingGreat

Hi Nola, even if it took a while to digest your situation you now seem to have a clear take on it. Great that your family understands at last. If you're close to your family it's better that they support you.

Maybe you could ask yourself whether you have anything left for him and your marriage? If the answer is that he could change completely but it's too late anyway, they you at least have some clarity.

If you still love him and it's the way he's behaved in the past, then you may want to see the therapy through. I think individual counselling for you is a great idea and it's not clear to me whether you're still having that. You're in some distress now, and talking to a neutral person will help with that. SR's great too.

SaveHer

I'd like to give you several big *hugs* for all the progress I see in your post. You went from tolerating to questioning to making big changes in a matter of months. That's huge!

Living with this level of crazy for so long takes away our ability to think clearly and trust ourselves. Please be kind to yourself as you sort through all of these emotions and decisions. You're not an idiot, but you just might be codependent.

Have you ever tried al-anon?

Nola0250

Thanks Save Her,

I have not yet been to AlAnon. The meetings nearest me are at the same time as my evening exercise class which is a great outlet and community for me as well. Haven't found anything yet that doesn't interfere with that, work hours or both. But I do have a therapist I'm working with, and a couple very supportive and insightful family members.

And yes, I certainly am codependent. I've got lots of books on my Kindle and I think I'm learning a lot.

At this point I have enough clarity that I know what I need to do, but I'm grieving the relationship, the lost time, and trying to figure out how to go about rebuilding me, and how much of that I can or should do from where I sit still in this thing.

I know a fair bit of the what, but I'm still figuring out a lot of the how. I've been stuck for a long time and just got unstuck enough to get this far. I want to make sure I'm doing what I need to not get stuck again.

Mango blast

Hi Nola,

I'll second the recommendation for Alanon. Alcoholism is a family disease that's chronic and progressive. Getting help from those who've been through this saved my life. I was shrinking down, stressed and dieing without realizing it. With recovery, life has become full of possibilities and joy.

Also, a post here I read this summer really hit home for me. It equated the words "You're perfect for me." to "You put up with my crap." That has nothing to do with love, and everything to do with me being a willing victim.

Nola0250

That is brilliant, thank you. I have a couple weeks of crazy work and travel, and will try to get an al alnon meeting on my schedule before I leave so I can do it as soon as I get back, if I can't try one before I leave.

I'm having so much trouble seeing clearly and this group is really helping me. It's so good to see that others are struggling with the same kinds of things that I am.

AH is behaving really well now and I'm enjoying his company. Right now I'm finishing up work and he's texting me pictures of the amazing dinner he's making for us (he's a great cook). He's always in the house so when I'm there, he's working his magic and making me feel comfortable and cared for. Translation: doing the minimum, he just realized the bar for the minimum has been raised. I know it won't last and I've been through this with him before. But of course my heart says, but what if this is the time he really gets it and does stop long term?

When I'm away from him, I know that even if he never drinks another drop, I've collected enough resentment and experience with the lies and misdirection that I will never have a good and trusting relationship with him.

It's so difficult to more forward when things are not terrible, and he still feels like family to me, but I know that it will never really be good for me. It will never get better than "not bad." I need a lot of reminders of that and I think the al anon would help.

Sasha1972

If he's verbally abusive and dismissive when he's drunk, and he will probably get drunk again - he'd have to make a lot of amazing dinners to make up for that. Plus he hoards, overspends, and doesn't tell the truth. And is only "sometimes" kind. That doesn't sound great to me.

This has not been my experience, but from what I've read a lot of people on this board have had alcoholic spouses who "shape up" long enough to please the non-drinking spouse temporarily and then go back to drinking (or obvious drinking) once they've reassured themselves that the non-drinker isn't actually going to follow through on threats to walk out. It sounds like your husband has made a pretty comfortable life for himself which accommodates his drinking and other dysfunctional behavior, and if you left, he might not have be so comfortable any more. I understand that alcoholics react strongly to anything which they think might threaten their ability to keep drinking, and your leaving might be perceived as such a threat (in my case, it was the opposite - my ex wanted me gone because he believed my presence inhibited him from drinking as much as he wanted to).

And I don't mean to sound flippant, but if you left and it turned out that he really was working hard and recovery and remaining sober, there's nothing to stop you from reconciling and coming back (as long as he had demonstrated a good long run of sobriety).

Nola0250

You make perfect sense. Thanks. And you don't sound flip, you sound like you speak the truth.

Mklove

Yes, I agree that Sasha makes good sense. The practical parts of your relocation could give you something tangible to focus on now. Where will you move, when, what do you need in order to pack. Are these things done in front of him, when do you let him know to keep things safe. Everyone wins if he finds new motivation in your absence to change to a healthier more stable lifestyle. If he cannot change you are in a better place to move on.

Nola0250

Got home this evening and AH had made nice dinner. He said oh by the way there was this Lillet bottle in the fridge (someone brought this stuff a month ago to a dinner party, and there was not much left but it's just been sitting in the fridge). He said he needed the bottle for olive oil (he has always used leftover wine bottles for olive oil so that's not unusual for him. I don't know why whichever bottle he's using is always wrong and he has change them all the time, but it's kind of his thing).

Anyway, says he put the rest in the fridge in a container in case I want it. I did not, and poured it out. I think there was probably less than what was in the bottle, but I can't be sure because of the different container size. And of course, Nonconfrontational Nola did not ask if he drank any. I did count the beers in the fridge though.

I found there actually is an al anon meeting I can make tomorrow. I'm going. Thanks again for listening people.

honeypig

What would have been the point of asking? If he said no, you probably wouldn't have believed him anyway. If he said yes, then what? Does it seem likely that you'd get to have a heart-to-heart w/him, where he'd admit the error of his ways? Please, do NOT take offense at this, b/c I'm NOT making fun of you. I have been in the same place so many, many times, only I DID ask and I was lied to again and again. And even though I was almost certain he was lying, I pretended to believe him like I thought a good supportive wife should do. All it did was make me crazy, and yes, eventually I did stop asking questions where I knew I wouldn't believe the answer.

Nola, you GOTTA KNOW that this way^^ lies madness...

XAH was a very, very good hider. He hid his cigarettes and excess drinking from me for many years of our 19-year marriage before I finally began to put things together. When I finally came to SR, one of the main things I wanted to know was how could I tell if he actually stopped drinking or not, since he was never obviously drunk around me. I had never bothered looking for his liquor stash since I knew right from the get-go that he was WAY out of my league in terms of sneakiness and I'd never ever find it. He CLAIMED to be going to meetings, he CLAIMED to be sober, so how on earth would I KNOW FOR SURE if he was actually sober or not, w/no bottles to count? Did I need to buy a breathalyzer or what?

And a wise SR member, who understood that while recovery starts w/putting the bottle down, it absolutely doesn't end there, told me this:

Ya wanna know the SECRET to whether someone is serious about recovery or not? When they stop TALKING and start DOING. When they abandon the alcoholic oath:
I'm Sorry
Please Forgive Me
It will NEVER happen AGAIN
Talk is just squawk....noise to diffuse and disturb....

We live on a lake and have ospreys and eagles that come 'round. When they are on the hunt, there is NO doubt about their intentions...they hover above, they swoop and swirl and then DIVE after their prey. It is magnificent and silent. They have a purpose and have no NEED to announce their plan. They are unconcerned with the world around them....for the eagle there are always the attendant "murder" of crows, dive bombing, harassing, relentless...they are honed in on their goal.

Recovery is the osprey, tucking its wing in close to its body, a missile now, a projectile diving in a straight line towards the water, seeing beneath the surface to the fish.

What you'll hear said here, again and again, is that recovery looks like recovery. It's not based on how many meetings per week or how much AA literature or anything else that you can count or measure. My own recovery (I am not an A, just to be clear) has involved increased responsibility for the things that are mine, less interference in the things that are NOT mine, learning to pause and think a moment before responding, allowing others to be who they are rather than trying to change them, and honesty w/myself and others--and that's just for starters. If you're not seeing positive changes in your AH, or at least the effort to make positive changes, then it's not likely he's really in recovery, regardless of how many bottles of beer are in the fridge...

Alanon was useful for me, and I hope it is for you too. You might find it helpful to do some reading about what Alanon is and how it works before going to that first meeting, as sometimes people leave feeling confused--"but we didn't talk about our A's at all! How can this help?" Here is the link to the worldwide Alanon site: https://al-anon.org/ Amazon generally has a good selection of very inexpensive used Alanon literature--"How Alanon Works" and "Paths to Recovery" are both good starters, IMO.

Nola0250

Honeypig, I take no offense at all. I put it out there just to hear that back from someone. I don't know why I need to have someone else say to me what I already know. I just do right now. And actually expressing my thoughts around this in a semi-coherent way rather than just thinking them seems to help.

And I really do know better than to really count bottles or try to figure out if he's truly drinking or not. He's hidden it for me during several month stretches of "sobriety" before, so why would I be able to find it now? I still think about it though, dang it.

honeypig

Nola, you are SO not alone in those behaviors. Way more common than not! Glad you aren't offended.

I did edit my post to contain some info on Alanon for you, wanted to make sure you saw it since I think you were replying while I was editing and thus might miss it if you didn't happen to come back and re-read the post.

Nola0250

I did get to an al anon meeting today. I just went to a newcomer's meeting, which was sort of an intro to what al anon is. I guess I should have gone to the main meeting which happened before it, but I did not know what to expect so I didn't. Anyway, it was good. It was like being on here, but in person! I will keep going to meetings.

So I've been asking for space from AH and what I've gotten instead is a charm offensive. This morning I told him I thought I should go stay with a friend for a few months to get more space, while I sort out what I need to do and whether I can stay with him. He said it was a deal breaker for him and if I wanted to leave him for 3 months, we could call it off right now. He said he loves me more than he loves himself, that's what marriage is, and if I don't love him the same way there's something wrong with me. Wow. Completely enmeshed. That is not normal, even I have figured that much out. Which I pointed out to him.

I brought up divorce, and then he started trying to dial it back. Said he would give me the space I need by spending his evenings at a friends house for the coming week (and then I'm leaving Friday for 10 days). Said he was leaving the rest of today to give me space, going to drive up the coast and find a nice place to watch the waves and play his guitar.

2 hours later while I was out at the store he called, from home, saying that he had been driving and had a seizure (partial seizure, he stays conscious). He took his meds, drove himself home but feels weak and can't get off the couch, could I bring him a sandwich because there's no food in the house?

So of course I did. But there's plenty of food in the house (like all the leftovers of the huge dinner he made us last night). And wait, he can't get off the couch and check the fridge, but he was able to safely drive himself 45 min home from where he had this "seizure" ??? I suspect he made up this entire episode and there really was no seizure, but I can't be sure.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't tell how much of his behavior is alcoholic manipulation type stuff, versus the more "normal" manipulation of a person who is afraid their spouse might leave... and I don't know whether that even matters.

dandylion

Nota.....maybe, a combination of both? I agree with you....it doesn't really matter...as your goal for yourself still remains the same.....

Mango blast

Listen to his actions, not words. Alcoholism is a mental illness and the lies are a part of this. There is no logic or reasoning... that is an illusionary whirlpool the alcoholic would like to suck others into.

You're not alone. Whether you believe in prayer or not, pray. Ask God/Universe/Mother Earth/Great Spirit ...however you want to put it out there... for help and guidance. Ask for eyes to see and ears to hear.

Then look for signs to show up... whether through songs, people, actual signs, something you overhear or something in nature... and trust your gut. Let your brain have a rest.

It's been a big shift for me from thinking I had to figure everything out to now seeing that things work out best when I step aside.