I may be an idiot
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 76
This thing is evolving by the hour now. He apologized for the "seizure" episode. Admitted he didn't really have a seizure, just "freaked out." Asked for information about stuff he had done while drunk, things he knew about and either didn't remember, or didn't remember accurately. He seems to see his problem for real in a way he has not before. It's clear he actually realizes now to some degee, how much he's hurt me. He is starting to take responsibility for it.
Lots of tears (from a man that never cries), lots of apologies. He's afraid and overwhelmed. He went online today and made himself a one on one appointment with the therapist I found him, and is going tomorrow.
I am so glad he is starting to get this, and I hope it leads to a good place for him. I really want to help him. I do love him. But I think this is round one of many iterations to come before he can end up in a good place, if he can do it. I think maybe he can, but of course no one can know for sure.
at the same time, I am just beginning to come to terms with my own stuff, and how I got to a place where I would accept what has become of my life and relationship. I don't think I can heal well living with him, no matter how he may be trying. It feels awful thinking of leaving right now, but of course that is part of this. And I can't tell how much of the current behavior is really real, and how much is designed to keep me here.
It feels like maybe this is a time he may be more easily receptive to separating and actually see the positives in it for both of us. After all if we both get healthy, there is nothing to prevent us from reconciling down the road. That's what I'm thinking about right now.
Lots of tears (from a man that never cries), lots of apologies. He's afraid and overwhelmed. He went online today and made himself a one on one appointment with the therapist I found him, and is going tomorrow.
I am so glad he is starting to get this, and I hope it leads to a good place for him. I really want to help him. I do love him. But I think this is round one of many iterations to come before he can end up in a good place, if he can do it. I think maybe he can, but of course no one can know for sure.
at the same time, I am just beginning to come to terms with my own stuff, and how I got to a place where I would accept what has become of my life and relationship. I don't think I can heal well living with him, no matter how he may be trying. It feels awful thinking of leaving right now, but of course that is part of this. And I can't tell how much of the current behavior is really real, and how much is designed to keep me here.
It feels like maybe this is a time he may be more easily receptive to separating and actually see the positives in it for both of us. After all if we both get healthy, there is nothing to prevent us from reconciling down the road. That's what I'm thinking about right now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
"This morning I told him I thought I should go stay with a friend for a few months to get more space, while I sort out what I need to do and whether I can stay with him. He said it was a deal breaker for him and if I wanted to leave him for 3 months, we could call it off right now."
One thing I would recommend going forward, because it always got me into trouble with my AXBF, is to avoid these types of flimsy boundaries. The more I would threaten to leave if he lied/drank/whatever and then didn't follow through, the more power I gave him. If you say you're going to do something, it's best to do it--despite the "charm offensive," the fake seizures, what have you. I think you see it for what it is: manipulation.
"And I can't tell how much of the current behavior is really real, and how much is designed to keep me here."
Just like you can't tell if he's lying about drinking, you can't tell if any of this is sincere because, well, you don't trust him. He broke your trust, and trying to trust someone who is constantly lying and manipulating you is crazy-making! I used to think AXBF's last ditch efforts were real, and he broke my heart over and over again. It's like everyone says around here: when it's real recovery, it will look and feel different and for a sustained period of time. You'll know. Of course, I hope this is all real for you, but chances are, it's not. I think you know that, too.
I try not to listen to my heart anymore; my gut has been more reliable.
One thing I would recommend going forward, because it always got me into trouble with my AXBF, is to avoid these types of flimsy boundaries. The more I would threaten to leave if he lied/drank/whatever and then didn't follow through, the more power I gave him. If you say you're going to do something, it's best to do it--despite the "charm offensive," the fake seizures, what have you. I think you see it for what it is: manipulation.
"And I can't tell how much of the current behavior is really real, and how much is designed to keep me here."
Just like you can't tell if he's lying about drinking, you can't tell if any of this is sincere because, well, you don't trust him. He broke your trust, and trying to trust someone who is constantly lying and manipulating you is crazy-making! I used to think AXBF's last ditch efforts were real, and he broke my heart over and over again. It's like everyone says around here: when it's real recovery, it will look and feel different and for a sustained period of time. You'll know. Of course, I hope this is all real for you, but chances are, it's not. I think you know that, too.
I try not to listen to my heart anymore; my gut has been more reliable.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 76
"Just like you can't tell if he's lying about drinking, you can't tell if any of this is sincere because, well, you don't trust him. He broke your trust, and trying to trust someone who is constantly lying and manipulating you is crazy-making!
THIS!
I am only just beginning to understand how I'm manipulated.
And at some level, I think that the fake seizure and some of the other behaviors might be veiled threats. I take them to mean that this fully functional and employed (under employed) adult may choose to be "disabled" if I leave. That may just be paranoid thinking on my part, or not.
THIS!
I am only just beginning to understand how I'm manipulated.
And at some level, I think that the fake seizure and some of the other behaviors might be veiled threats. I take them to mean that this fully functional and employed (under employed) adult may choose to be "disabled" if I leave. That may just be paranoid thinking on my part, or not.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
