eddie z.

Hey, my name is Eddie and I'm an alcoholic myself, but also a pretty good codependent type. I don't know if I've ever posted a new thread on this forum or not, so I guess I'm new here, although I've been around SR for over 9 months.

I was at a show in a bar last Friday, NOT drinking, when an old alcoholic friend stumbled in. He had walked there and pretty soon he asked if I could drive him home after. I said yes. And then I wondered if that was the right thing to do.

This guy already went from riding a bike to walking so he could keep drinking. Well, he got trashed to the point where he had to have the doorperson call him a cab well before the show was over, so I ended up NOT giving him a ride.

I felt like I shouldn't have said I'd take him home. In fact, I've wondered if I shouldn't get some folks together to intervene on him. He's a great guy and has been a good friend for over 23 years. Do I "owe it to him" to say something or is that codependent thinking also?

Thanks, y'all!
Love and hugs, Eddie

jalacola

Well, in your situation, I think it was nice, but a little co-dependent. And I say this as a co-dependent myself. Had he been driving, I would have said it was okay to offer him the ride. However, since he was walking and no danger to anyone other than himself, I say let him suffer the consequences. I paid for a hotel room 2 weeks ago for my AH over the phone so that he would stay there (after drinking it up in a hotel bar "because he was mad a me"--always an excuse, always MY fault), and I felt guilty for doing so, but my thoughts were on the innocent people he could kill on the road.

Dee at Mt Bully

I'm not sure giving someone a ride is too bad, but I sure wouldn't change my plans
or help him out in any other way. Seems like family members should help with an
intervention. They may have a feeling as to the possible outcome or if it has been tried.
23 years is a long frienship--certainly worth consideration. Hooray for you not
drinking. Smiles Dee

Lorelai

Hi Eddie -
I've read your posts in other forums and welcome you to the Friends and Family board.

My opinion only - I don't think that giving your friend a ride home once is going to affect his decision to go into recovery or not. If he's anything like my H, he isn't going to remember how he got home anyway !

I think that the best thing you can do for your friend is to live a sober, happy life. Just by following your program, you can show him that it is possible to live a wonderful life without alcohol and be a great example of that life.

You don't "owe him" anything but just by doing what you are doing, you're a walking advertisement for sobriety. Good for you !
Hugs - L

splendra

(((((eddie))))

Perhaps at the next AA meeting you go to you could say his name to yourself in the moment of silence for the one who still suffers......

eddie z.

Hey again, y'all! Sorry I haven't responded sooner; it's just been a busy week. Thanks, jalacola, Lorelai, Dee, and splendra! ((((splendra))))

I talked to my friend this week 'cause his dad's my attorney and that's where he works and I had a legal question. Anyway, I told him he missed a great show and he said he was tired and I said, "Oh, is that what you call it?" I immediately felt bad, but I think that's because that was nasty and critical and not just because I said something. I mean, something needs to be said, but not that way. So I apologized and got on to business. What a mess!

Thanks again, all! Good to meet you, jalacola, Dee, and Lorelai. Welcome to SR, Dee! It's good to "see" you, splendra! Got to go get ready for trick-or-treat.
Love and hugs, Eddie

Dust Bunny

Wonderful responses! I still have 2 cents to put in though.

Enabling is giving your friend a ride TO the bar.
Enabling is giving your friend money for the drinks or buying the drinks for him.
Enabling is trying to cover up his behaviour or pretending it's not as bad as it really is.

Since you did none of those things (I presume), I doubt that you enabled his behaviour. To me, giving him a ride home would be a kind and charitable act for a friend what ever the circumstances may be.

My H works in emergency services and I can't tell you how many drunks have been killed trying to walk home from the bar. This is not only tragic for the A's family but also for the driver that was unable to avoid hitting them. So, NO, I do NOT think agreeing to drive him home was wrong at all.

eddie z.

Thanks for the input, Dust Bunny! Love your avatar! I still get confused about what is and isn't "enabling." But I'm leaning toward thinking driving him home would have been because it would have spared him the CONSEQUENCES of his behavior. I guess the consequences he paid was the cab fare, huh?

Love and hugs, Eddie