BAW81

Hi all,
I'm in month 11 of my divorce from my AH and tomorrow would've been/will be (?) our 5 year anniversary. While I know what I'm doing is the right thing for me and my child (1.5yrs old), man does my heart hurt. Some moments I'm strong and then just like that a wave of sadness, guilt, longing for the dream family that will never be comes at me like a ton of bricks.

I do my very best to always be cordial and friendly to him in front of our child because I don't want to our kid to see/feel/experience the tension but then he calls me "fake and phony."

He moved out of state months back and took our dog (he told me it would only be for a couple months) and now he uses him to hurt me saying "it's his dog" and that I'll never see him again.

He tells me I'm ruining our child's life and I'll have to answer for what I've done someday. Meanwhile, he won't even acknowledge his actions. I know he's not rational or reasonable.....I know this! Somehow, I still feel this incredible pull to try and make him see the light or reality.

I know this post is all over the place, so am I today. He's coming into town for parenting time tomorrow for the next week after not being here for over a month....my heart is filled with sadness, anxiety, anger, despair, fear, and pity one moment and then I am feel OK and somehow content because knowing he makes me feels those other things is exactly why I don't want to be married to him anymore...

The FB memory posts of our wedding week are not helping at all either....ugh.

will the mental teeter totter ever end?

dandylion

BAW....yes, it will. But, it hasn't been enough time, yet.
For me...and, I hear that it is true for other people , also....
that, when you approach an anniversary, the feelings peak, again. Especially, that first year!
Grieving takes a while, and it comes in waves and can hit at unexpected times....
I think what you are going through is normal...
It is especially hard when you are a parent and a child is involved...it is impossible to cut contact, like it is for those who don't have that connection...

I have been through the same thing.
I like this saying---"It is o.k. to look back, sometimes....just don't stare".....

honeypig

BAW, I totally agree w/dandy--anniversaries of significant dates as well as holidays are hard, particularly in that first year. I've experienced this in a lot of different situations of loss over the years, but divorce from XAH was the one where I felt it the most deeply.

In the early summer of 2016, around the time of the 1-year anniversary of my divorce from XAH, I had a couple of very, very bad days. On one of those days, I worked in my yard all day and cried through most of it. Cutting the grass--crying. Pruning back the grapevines--crying. Hauling brush to the burning pile-crying. I wanted to lay down and die, but I couldn't get tired enough! And so I took a shower and went to bed.

On another one, I started reading old journal entries from when we first got together, then looked through mementos. It was like I just couldn't stop, and again, I cried so hard and so long, I didn't even make a sound after a while, just the motions. I couldn't draw breath. I thought I couldn't live through that. But eventually, I got up, blew my nose, washed my face and took the dogs for a walk in the afternoon sun. And I lived to tell the tale.

So BAW, I get it. I really and truly get it. Let yourself feel whatever feelings come up, cry, grieve, scream, swear, curl into a ball and hide in a corner, whatever comes up for you. Feel it until you are done. Then make a cup of tea, brush your hair, put on a different shirt and go on w/your life.

And know that somehow, having closed that 1-year circle, it will never be this bad again.

qtpi

You are not fake and phoney for making an effort to give your child a positive experience. You are a hero. You are doing the hard thing. Don't listen to his lies. Be careful about believing things about you that are not true. Addicts scream cry carry on no matter the effect on other people instead of dealing with their own emotions.

AnvilheadII

he's the one that moved out of state....right? he left the state in which his son lives. and took the dog. those were the choices he made....or shall i say, those were additional choices he made that have culminated in a divorce and limited time with his kid.

wedding photos are not representative of the marriage that followed. outside of bridesmaid dresses, EVERYONE looks at their best in wedding pics!!! as you are getting divorced, i gently suggest that maybe the wedding photos come down.....off the walls and off FB. or they get stored in such a way as to not pop up.

LeeJane

Sending you best wishes at this difficult time.

Your ex is talking rubbish.

Sasha1972

I agree that anniversaries are hard. And you should be commended for being courteous and cordial in front of your kid - there's a difference between being polite and being "fake".

BeachPlease

I agree with Anvil that maybe the pictures can be removed, just so you don't have to see them if you don't want.