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What came first, the chicken or the egg?

Old 09-07-2017, 02:23 PM
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What came first, the chicken or the egg?

I just made an introduction post the other day & I am back! I feel me & my husband are playing what came first the chicken or the egg game. He wants our marriage to be in a good place in order for him to quit drinking & I need to see him making an effort to quit. So he decided last weekend to not drink & did not share anything with me. My husband is a very functioning alcoholic & drinks alone so I noticed he either was not drinking or trying to cut back but was not sure. So when I was not the wife he wanted me to be in his head, it turned into a fight that I was not supporting him. I know this is a good tactic for an alcoholic so I told him if he was being honest about drinking that we could go back to a counselor we saw a few times so he could help us walk through this & help us as we walked through it. He wants to do this all on his own & he does not understand what the last 6 years of his drinking little by little has done to me & I need the help too. I am trying to be supportive & not a complete "b" word but he makes it impossible for he just wants to keep turning this on me to take the heat off of him. I am at a loss on how to make this work?
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Old 09-07-2017, 02:31 PM
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well Stacy, you CAN'T make it work all by yourself. while his drinking most definitely affects you, it is HIS thing to deal with......or not. it would be like trying move a king size waterbed mattress full of water all by yourself. you can push it, poke it, pull it, kick it, cuss at it, beg it.........but it is simply BIGGER than you are.

he could make the decision to tackle his drinking head on RIGHT NOW. he doesn't need to wait until the marriage is solid, or until after the holidays, only in even years, or any other EXCUSE. and until he chooses to address the elephant in the room, the dance will go on.

what are you doing to take care of you? outside and away from him. have you heard of or looked into Alanon? that is a fabulous source of support. you could also consider INDIVIDUAL therapy, but it is never recommended to attempt couples counseling until the addiction had been addressed.
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Old 09-07-2017, 02:52 PM
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Stacy.....welcome back.....there is so much support on this forum , if you get familiar and take advantage of it....
to get you started, I am going to give you the following link to our "library" of excellent articles from our sticky section of the forum (located just above the threads.
I am giving you the link to the section called Classic Reading....I fervently hope that you will look them over and read the ones that appeal to you.....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html

Oh....to answer your question....It was the egg.
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Old 09-08-2017, 09:05 AM
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I think it does not matter.

My XAH did this too, made all these demands on me if he was going to stop drinking. Even when I met his demands, he did not stop.

A marriage is a team. If one person on the team is unhappy, then the whole team has a problem.
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Old 09-08-2017, 09:47 AM
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It's all just an excuse to be able to keep his drinking going. Also dumping responsibility on you. Sorry.
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Old 09-08-2017, 09:47 AM
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I am at a loss on how to make this work?

what are you trying to make work?
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Old 09-08-2017, 08:53 PM
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Stacy, I think this is pretty standard deflective behavior from an alcoholic. My soon-to-be ex alternates between self-pity and depression at how badly he has messed up his life and blaming others, especially me, the ONLY person stupid enough to have supported him in recent years.

Just this past weekend he launched into a tirade about how selfish I am, how my constant "berating" has *forced* him into alcoholism and a half hour of other such nonsense. He could have been--and was--talking about himself and his own behavior. After about five minutes of this, I just started laughing at him. It was all just so patently untrue and ridiculous, I found it hilarious. I do EVERYTHING in my home...take care of money, work, childcare, cook, clean...while he mopes on the couch, watching TV and drinking vodka all day. I tried for years to help him before it finally penetrated my thick head that only he can do that.

I think most alcoholics are quite self-loathing, and that anger and depression often gets directed outward, especially when they've been drinking and their thinking is disordered and illogical. It is important NOT to take this personally or rise to the bait, because of course this is yet another tactic to allow them to drink with less guilt.

This is easier for me to recognize now that I've filed for divorce. I'm getting this craziness out of my life on October 15 or as soon as our house sells, whichever comes first.
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Old 09-09-2017, 10:15 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
well Stacy, you CAN'T make it work all by yourself. while his drinking most definitely affects you, it is HIS thing to deal with......or not. it would be like trying move a king size waterbed mattress full of water all by yourself. you can push it, poke it, pull it, kick it, cuss at it, beg it.........but it is simply BIGGER than you are.

he could make the decision to tackle his drinking head on RIGHT NOW. he doesn't need to wait until the marriage is solid, or until after the holidays, only in even years, or any other EXCUSE. and until he chooses to address the elephant in the room, the dance will go on.

what are you doing to take care of you? outside and away from him. have you heard of or looked into Alanon? that is a fabulous source of support. you could also consider INDIVIDUAL therapy, but it is never recommended to attempt couples counseling until the addiction had been addressed.
I truly have never stopped taking care of me. I work full time, take care of our kids & house. I exercise, journal, spend time with family & friends. It is just sad that we live together & over this past year have started to become roommates. I went to a few Alanon meetings but it was a few years ago & I went to counseling but I really feel I am at a point of if I do not want to live with this & he does not want to change. It is probably best to separate.
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Old 09-10-2017, 09:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Stacy0701 View Post
I truly have never stopped taking care of me. I work full time, take care of our kids & house. I exercise, journal, spend time with family & friends. It is just sad that we live together & over this past year have started to become roommates. I went to a few Alanon meetings but it was a few years ago & I went to counseling but I really feel I am at a point of if I do not want to live with this & he does not want to change. It is probably best to separate.
Hi Stacy

A tough place to be - "roommates" is not a good long term solution. Glad to hear you are taking care of yourself (and the kids are a priority) Have you done the Al anon 12 step program? Maybe worth going back to Al anon. I agree that Rating together for the sake of the kids is not enough reason - you have a life ahead of you. take care
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