Onefortheditch

I had absolutely no idea the pain I would be in getting involved with an alcoholic.
I thought I could cure him
I thought I could help him
I thought he just needed someone to love him
I thought his lack of family made it happen
I thought I was stronger and more patient that those that tried before me



I was wrong.
If you want to spend your life stressing over how much he's drinking, when he's drinking, why he's drinking, is he hiding it, how much has he had, is he at work or drinking then go ahead but it will come to this.

It's no life and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Ariesagain

Please understand that the manipulation isn't necessarily conscious. He may well believe much of what he says. We alcoholics are always looking for that magical external thing that will help us "control" the drinking (not quit, never that).

So often alcoholics bounce from person to person and location to location and job to job trying to find that external cure. Right now, he may honestly believe he's found that in you.

Problem is, it never works.

atalose

No, you are not. You are someone who fell in love to quickly with a person who may never be able to love you back in the manner you deserve.

Onefortheditch

I've read this 3 times and it's absolutely spot on.
Sad...but spot on.

dandylion

UpsideDown....the "stickies" are located just above the posted threads.
(as per the diagram that I gave you in the link).

the bottom one that I referred to is labeled as "about recovery:"

I am going to give you a quick link to the Classic Reading section, that I spoke of. (it is found in the "about recovery" sticky .http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html


Let me know if you found it, or not....

LeeJane

I am a recovering A. 7 years quit. The above is exactly right. Before I was ready to quit, this is exactly what I did. As I did it, I believed each time it would work.

Eventually I realised it was not going to work.

dandylion

Upsidedown.....you will see that it is recommended, time and time again, by those who have been where you are, that you attend alanon.....
The reason for this is that it is a place for those who have been effected by an alcoholic---where you can work on your own emotions and your own self...
so many people, here, say that it has literally saved their lives......

You are not alone, and there is so much support, for you.....

Upsidedown23

Well... I just text him to see how he is doing and he very plainly told me he is at the pub meeting a friend for a few drinks and he'll call me later.

So I guess he has given up on giving up...

I really AM an idiot 😫

Upsidedown23

Thanks again everyone, I think I'm gonna have a difficult conversation ahead of me this evening. Absolutely dreading it.

Sotiredofitall

Hugs to you Upsidedown. Never easy to end relationships (if that is your decision). Stay strong and in touch with us here!

Ariesagain

It doesn't have to be a long conversation, you know. And if he's been drinking, carefully chosen words will probably be wasted on him anyway.

"I've decided it's best that we don't see each other anymore. I need to focus on myself right now, but I wish you well."

Text him that, for that matter. With a normal person you wouldn't, but unless you want to spend hours debating with a drunk about whether he really has a problem or not (probably at 2a.m. AFTER the bar closes), it's the most direct way.

And no, you can't be "just friends."

One more thought...all those people who supposedly abandoned him may well have been pushed away.

dandylion

^^^^^^^^^^Good Points!

AnvilheadII

I think I'm gonna have a difficult conversation ahead of me this evening. Absolutely dreading it.

it doesn't have to be long and drawn out and agonizing. you have simply decided you will not keep seeing him. you don't need to defend that decision, or explain yourself, or make HIM understand. nor does this need to be a one-person intervention where you attempt to GET HIM to see the light and change his ways.

Upsidedown23

I know, I just know myself too well. And I see him talking me round and me falling for it because apparently that's what I do

AnvilheadII

so then.........how can you approach this and stay YOU?
make it short and sweet. much easier. don't argue or defend or even accuse. leave him as you found him.........

NYCDoglvr

Someone said: "if someone tells you who they are, listen!" You have no idea if he is going to get sober or not, so don't project that he will. Alcoholics go to great lengths to hide their problem. Doesn't sound like he has any recovery....is he going to AA? This would be a huge red flag for me, and I think it is for you as well. An active alcoholic is the worst bet for a decent relationship.

Upsidedown23

Well, as I predicted, I could bring myself to do it. Seems I'm a glutton for punishment

AnvilheadII

i think somebody needs to work on their self-image and self-talk!!!

Upsidedown23

You reckon? 😂

atalose

Why don’t you write out what it is you think you want to say to him regarding ending this relationship? Then keep re-writing or editing until you are comfortable with it. Short and sweet is always the best. The it’s not you it’s me thing works to. But the most important part of ending a relationship with someone you have difficulty detaching from emotionally is NO CONTACT. Once you say it’s over, make it be over, block him from contacting you, don’t open your door, etc.