Anger and finality
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Newlife.....it might take some of the sting out of your anger and feelings of rejection if you could realize that the alcoholic is not drinking AT you....they are just doing what every alcoholic does...they drink due to a powerful compulsion to do so....That is what they do.
They don't do it because of you. It is not personal.
They might blame you...in fact, the alcoholic needs to blame someone/anything else...because, it wouldn't be logical to blame themselves. If they did..they would have to quit drinking, wouldn't they?
That sounds like a death sentence to the alcoholic....because that is how they cope with living. The alcoholic has to drink to even feel "normal"....and, when they start to drink...they can't stop.
to tell an alcoholic to stop drinking forever...is like asking a fish to give up water.
The idea of that strikes profound fear and anxiety in the alcoholic!
It is as hard for the alcoholic to contemplate going sober, as it is for the spouse to leave the alcoholic (before they are ready).
The alcoholic has a battle going on in their brain 24/7. Even when they don't show it to others. A battle between the "alcoholic voice" and their real self. It never really stops! Total abstainence through working a strong program is the only thing that will put the voice into remission....not cured...but, in remission.
Any one and anything that comes between the alcoholic and their ability to drink freely becomes the ENEMY....even if that thing is a loved one. They don't necessarily hate the loved one...they just need their alcohol.
It is not a personal thing toward the loved one.
Nevertheless, Newlife...you still have to do what you need to do to save yourself and your child.....
They don't do it because of you. It is not personal.
They might blame you...in fact, the alcoholic needs to blame someone/anything else...because, it wouldn't be logical to blame themselves. If they did..they would have to quit drinking, wouldn't they?
That sounds like a death sentence to the alcoholic....because that is how they cope with living. The alcoholic has to drink to even feel "normal"....and, when they start to drink...they can't stop.
to tell an alcoholic to stop drinking forever...is like asking a fish to give up water.
The idea of that strikes profound fear and anxiety in the alcoholic!
It is as hard for the alcoholic to contemplate going sober, as it is for the spouse to leave the alcoholic (before they are ready).
The alcoholic has a battle going on in their brain 24/7. Even when they don't show it to others. A battle between the "alcoholic voice" and their real self. It never really stops! Total abstainence through working a strong program is the only thing that will put the voice into remission....not cured...but, in remission.
Any one and anything that comes between the alcoholic and their ability to drink freely becomes the ENEMY....even if that thing is a loved one. They don't necessarily hate the loved one...they just need their alcohol.
It is not a personal thing toward the loved one.
Nevertheless, Newlife...you still have to do what you need to do to save yourself and your child.....
I preventing him from getting help and right now it's looking like a lost cause.
Thank you for responding. I needed to hear it.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by Newlife17
Thank you so much. Yes- I've been reminded it's not personal. It's hard not to take personally. I know intellectually it's not personal, despite all that is said, yet emotionally it's hard to not take personally. I acknowledge the codependent behavior has played a part in keeping it going, but I know I'm not the cause nor am
I preventing him from getting help and right now it's looking like a lost cause.
Thank you for responding. I needed to hear it.
I preventing him from getting help and right now it's looking like a lost cause.
Thank you for responding. I needed to hear it.
it takes time for a head knowledge to get to a heart knowledge -
but it does happen
Please keep working on what is healthy for you & your child
wishing you the best
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
Thank you all for your support and advice.
I told him to leave the home earlier tonight after he laid his hands on me (shouting in my face, grabbing me my shoulders) in front of our child (our daughter was acting up a little bit- meaning she wasn't doing something right after I asked
Her to and he was awakened) and screaming at me that I drove him to this and saying he can do whatever we he wants that marriage is about doing things on his time and schedule because he's the man of the house. He's gone. Oh- he came back from a "meeting" earlier stinking of booze and passed out in bed by 6. His parents can help him if they want.
I told him to leave the home earlier tonight after he laid his hands on me (shouting in my face, grabbing me my shoulders) in front of our child (our daughter was acting up a little bit- meaning she wasn't doing something right after I asked
Her to and he was awakened) and screaming at me that I drove him to this and saying he can do whatever we he wants that marriage is about doing things on his time and schedule because he's the man of the house. He's gone. Oh- he came back from a "meeting" earlier stinking of booze and passed out in bed by 6. His parents can help him if they want.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
NL,
I am sorry that he touched you, especially if your daughter saw it. I am not sure it is safe for you or your daughter to be in the home. Do you have a place that you two can stay. He feels that he is losing control and is struggling with your independence. I fear for your safety.
If you say something you have to follow up with what you "threaten" or it means nothing. Over the years you have told him things but he can always come crawling back and you forgive him. If you aren't going to follow through with what you say, then don't say it. He needs to understand that you mean business.
Please stay safe and if you feel any concern, leave the house before something happens. hugs!!
I am sorry that he touched you, especially if your daughter saw it. I am not sure it is safe for you or your daughter to be in the home. Do you have a place that you two can stay. He feels that he is losing control and is struggling with your independence. I fear for your safety.
If you say something you have to follow up with what you "threaten" or it means nothing. Over the years you have told him things but he can always come crawling back and you forgive him. If you aren't going to follow through with what you say, then don't say it. He needs to understand that you mean business.
Please stay safe and if you feel any concern, leave the house before something happens. hugs!!
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