Anger and finality
 

Plan is to have my lawyer file the D petition when she returns from vacation. Still no idea how to serve the papers to him.
Why does he get so angry at the thought of getting sober? He's gotten so angry with me and pushes me away literally when I've talked to him about options. He knows now D is imminent.
I know I will be doing what's best for me and our child, but this is very hard and the anger is hard to deal with. I know I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this with someone I don't respect for the choices he's making and his unwillingness to work on himself. I know I don't want to keep living with someone who ignores or gets angry with me depending on the day.

in his mind (maybe....cuz who really knows?) he doesn't WANT to quit drinking. and he's tired of getting beat over the head with it. to the confirmed alcoholic/addict, being "talked to" about the "problem" feels like getting hit with a hammer, or swarmed by wasps. it's annoying and repetitive, and they just want it to STOP. to be left alone to do what they want.

so leave him alone. let him do as he pleases without interference. get your lives separate. see him as a person with a sickness that he refuses to seek help for. know that it makes him unstable, unreliable, unpleasant.

Let your lawyer deal with serving him. Is there someone your child could stay with for a few days just in case he flips out? A classmate or somebody? Do you have a place to go, yourself, for that matter? What if he doesn't care to leave? Have you discussed with your lawyer seeking an order to give you temporary possession of the home and temporary custody of your child?

Thank you Anvilhead for your post- it clarifies for me- when I suggested xah stop drinking- I thought I was being loving, caring, and helpful. Instead I was just being an annoying pain.

Anvilhead- thank you for that. Very helpful imagery and I agree that this is how he feels. Taking all of that into consideration, it really does clarify for me that there's nothing else left to be said. As he said to me recently: he's entitled to his own happiness. And he's making his choice so I'm making mine. Of course, see frames it as me being unreasonable and stubborn...

LEXIE: Honestly, I have no idea how he will react, which is part of my stress. I'm starting with the filing and then am planning to discuss with attorney the next step. We've discussed involving our marital counselor, but he's been seeing him off and on alone for the last few months. He has said he won't leave mainly bc he can't afford a place on his own. I pay the mortgage in full. If he doesn't leave, lawyer and I have discussed possibility of offering him some money to find a place, but the thought of that makes me feel ill.

With respect to him not leaving, could you put money down for the first month's rent for an apartment somewhere? That should give him enough time to figure out how to support himself. That might be easier than just giving him money (which could potentially set you up for him to claim spousal support, on the grounds that you have already acknowledged a financial responsibility towards him by giving him money). One bit of legal information I retain is "never give cash to a soon-to-be-ex unless you want to keep giving them money indefinitely ...".

Sasha- Thank you. I do not plan on giving him any money/cash unless cleared by the lawyer.
Last night I discontinued the auto deposits that I was making into our joint savings account and am putting it all into my own personal savings account which I kept since we were married. In some way, I felt bad about having to do that, but also relief. We haven't really been partners in a true sense for the last 3 years and all of the money that has been put into that account has been from my earnings anyway, but he's been taking money out off and on to pay for bills which he can no longer cover from his paychecks (hasn't had a steady full time permanent job for almost 2 years-- and pay has been halved at least- but of course I have no idea since he won't tell me what he brings home). I don't think going out every night and during the day is helping.
I'm also making vacation plans for me and our child.

Also- I know he has untreated, self-medicating depression and anxiety which pre-dated me. He's supposed to see a psychiatrist and take meds but he hasn't been to the doctor in a few months. To me, he is spiraling downward fast. Others may not see it- only those who were close to him. I just can't do this to myself and our child anymore.

Addiction is not a disease of willpower, it’s a disease of instinct. It lives in the part of the brain that tells them to breathe.

I think it really helps to de-personalize alcoholism when we have more knowledge about the disease itself. It’s never as easy a tug of war as just pick booze or recovery and me/your kids/work etc.

Discuss it with your lawyer when she gets back. In every state I know of one party can petition for temporary possession of the marital home. And that usually goes to whichever person has temporary custody of the child. He is also going to be responsible for child support. Maybe it means he will have to find a small studio apartment or share a place with a roommate.

Atalose- I know it's not as easy as that. I really do. I guess what I struggle with is that others are able to eventually make the choice to get help and into a real recovery program. Sometimes before they lose everything.

But most of them don't. And that's the truth.

NL,
Good for you for trying to move on. He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do. So it's not his problem to fix, so how are you going to fix your problem.

Good for you for reaching out the the lawyer. Do your homework. Be prepared for the back lash when he finds out you didn't give him the money. Stand your ground and go on vacation!! Good plan!!

This is such a tough path to walk, but there is always the promise of "This too shall pass"

For me when I left, I was still very much caught up in the sympathetic mindset for my AH - I thought I "owed" him - to help him because I felt guilty about leaving

I did some of the things you are talking about & my (now ex) AH was ungrateful & filed papers for spousal support, half of my retirement, the house & half of everything I owned.
I had to work a long time on the resentment & anger I felt.
I guess my thoughts are - I wish I had taken some time before offering & doing the financial things I did for someone who was unable to appreciate or acknowledge how "fair & generous" I had been for years.

Please give yourself time & space to make sure you can be a peace with your generosity even if he is angry & ungrateful.

Wishing you the best - don't give up before the miracle happens in you

I agree with Lexie, most of them don't.

I struggle with that too. I get that, to an alcoholic, drinking doesn't feel like a choice, it feels like a compulsion. They think they can't not drink. But stopping drinking seems to be very much a choice. I've never heard any alcoholics say they felt irresistibly compelled to not drink - they talk about it as though this was a decision they were able to make (often with a lot of struggle and turmoil). So how is it that the disease itself is not a matter of will, but the remission of the disease is? Why do some alcoholics make that decision but others never do, even though their lives are falling apart?

I don't know the answer, and I'm sorry if I just threadjacked this discussion. But it's something I wonder about.

I don't mind, Sasha. It's a mystery to me. You articulated exactly what goes through my head.

There's an expression that many of us recovered alcoholics/addicts use, which is "Moment of Clarity." It's hard to explain. It's like the fog lifts and you can actually SEE what your life is and how alcohol is the reason. It doesn't seem to happen for everyone, and in my observation such moments have a limited "shelf life"--the window opens and if you don't (as an alcoholic) take immediate action, it tends to close and once again the delusions take over. It might open again, but no telling when/how.

So I think you first need that "moment" and then to take action. Just trying to wrestle with controlled drinking (which is what most alcoholics try to do) doesn't cut it. You have to be ready to shake up your entire life--it's a HUGE commitment. A lot bigger than it looks to non-alcoholics.

Post vacation
 

I feel the need to check in here for a sanity check. I find myself second guessing myself now that it's getting to the wire with filing.Saw my therapist yesterday for a much needed session and moments of clarity for me occurred. But today -- I just feel a lot of hurt. And rejection.

My daughter and I enjoyed our vacation without him. There was some drama one day with my brother who has. Mental Ilness and has been hospitalized for much of this past year. But other than that, I made sure to relax, and enjoy the peace with my child. She missed her dad but after the first night she seemed ok. I always encourage her to express herself.

He wanted to face time the first few days. He was even conversational and loving to me. The night before we were set to return, he seemed off and the day we were about to return he didn't even ask after us. Of course daughter was thrilled to see him, but that very night, he picked a fight and said a lot of hurtful things, calling me names, saying awful things about my parents, and called his dad to complain about what an awful wife I am, emotionally abusive, a bully, etc. since then, it's been back to "normal". He says I'm
not a good person, I'm a bully, all I do is criticize him and don't treat him like an equal so he's depressed, asks why he should quit drinking for me and that he will act like a proper husband when he has a wife. Says I'm obsessed with our relationship and with "saving" him. Says I'm
The one giving up on our marriage by not changing and divorcing. He told his dad (I was in the house) thAt he will never leave us and if I want to leave him, I should stop being a coward and do it.

So we are back to not communicating. As long as I keep my mouth shut and accept this, and his way, all will be fine for us.

Not for me. I see that I don't want to continue living a life of pain and anger, of being told that he knows the. Real me and that I'm a phony, and I don't want to continue the cycle of dysfunction for our beautiful child. I don't want her feeling the weight of being his sole source of happiness and love.

I guess I'm alternately feeling hopeful and relieved for myself and sad/angry at how far we have come apart. I know I can't save him, that he won't get help for my or our family's sake, he acts like he doesn't even like me- no concern over my welfare or feelings. It's not my responsibility.
But it does still hurt.

Just wanted to get it off my chest.

Newlife.....it might take some of the sting out of your anger and feelings of rejection if you could realize that the alcoholic is not drinking AT you....they are just doing what every alcoholic does...they drink due to a powerful compulsion to do so....That is what they do.
They don't do it because of you. It is not personal.
They might blame you...in fact, the alcoholic needs to blame someone/anything else...because, it wouldn't be logical to blame themselves. If they did..they would have to quit drinking, wouldn't they?
That sounds like a death sentence to the alcoholic....because that is how they cope with living. The alcoholic has to drink to even feel "normal"....and, when they start to drink...they can't stop.
to tell an alcoholic to stop drinking forever...is like asking a fish to give up water.
The idea of that strikes profound fear and anxiety in the alcoholic!
It is as hard for the alcoholic to contemplate going sober, as it is for the spouse to leave the alcoholic (before they are ready).
The alcoholic has a battle going on in their brain 24/7. Even when they don't show it to others. A battle between the "alcoholic voice" and their real self. It never really stops! Total abstainence through working a strong program is the only thing that will put the voice into remission....not cured...but, in remission.
Any one and anything that comes between the alcoholic and their ability to drink freely becomes the ENEMY....even if that thing is a loved one. They don't necessarily hate the loved one...they just need their alcohol.
It is not a personal thing toward the loved one.

Nevertheless, Newlife...you still have to do what you need to do to save yourself and your child.....