sam1

To all... I was on here many months ago in regards to a wife that was having an affair and drinking and driving with our young child. There was no doubt that this was full alcoholism . Drinking 24 hours a day , drinking in the morning, drinking before work, drinking at lunch. Everything was a hidden second life until it spiraled out of control. To give a quick update of the status on where we are at, 50-50 custody and I'm officially divorced. She is living with her parents and still denies drinking to me. There has been no known rehab or counseling.

Now to the problem at hand. She was admitted to the hospital on Thursday her blood pressure has been through the roof for the past two weeks. She was in the emergency room for 12 hours and now she has been in ICU for the past 4 days. Everyday things to extend into another day in the ICU. I'm lost at what to do because the family will not give me any information the only information I'm getting is there performing more tests. They are afraid that I will apply for full custody.... which is just insane she just needs to get help. I'm at a loss for what to do...

SparkleKitty

Ugh, Sam, I wish I had advice for you. I am so terribly sorry you are in this position. It sounds like you having full custody would be the best thing for the children at this point, regardless of what her diagnosis is.

sam1

Stepping away from everything over the past six months is also opened up my eyes and how bad this disease really is...... also makes me realize what kind of ride I was on for that period of time where she was an active addict. I now see her as a shell of the person I married and fell in love with. I still see her deep way down inside this hell. I dont think the family trusts me one bit anymore because I filed for custody initially but i had to pull the reigns back in this and protect myself, our child and all my assets....i was the bread winner. This ride sucks

MsPINKAcres

Lots of prayers & good thoughts for your child's mother.

Just as she is an untreated A, her family is probably untreated al-anon.
They are just doing the only things they know to do.

For you - all you can do is focus on the Next Right Thing for what is healthy for you & your child.
You can provide healthy coping skills for yourself & your child.

Praying the best for you & your family.

lizatola

I'm sorry. My XAH has had health issues and I'm not privy to them. His family is just ask sick as he is.

Fully custody is always an option, but if you don't want to pursue it, that's obviously your decision. Unfortunately, when the kids are on her time, there isn't much you can do and if the family won't share with you what is going on, your hands are tied. HIPPA rules are really strict these days and you won't get any info on your own, most likely.

I suggest turning the ex's family over to your HP. Let a higher power take control, and then you can focus on the next right thing for you. HUGS!

Tryingin2016

My XAH has been to ER a couple of times for super high blood pressure. And in the ICU. I think it's the beginning of withdrawals to get the very high blood pressure & then once in the hospital it becomes a medical emergency when all of the serious symptoms start surfacing.

My XAH's family have called to tell me he was in hospital but they are not coming to terms with his alcoholism.

Good luck with trying to gain custody. My youngest is my only minor & he's 17. So we really don't have to deal with the same issues as having younger children.

SaveHer

If she is driving drunk with your child and drinking so heavily she has to be hospitalized, perhaps it is exactly time to apply for full custody.

sam1

SaveHer
See that's the problem....how to you file for custody....when you have Hippa laws and no proof. I also have a family that will not co-operate and tell me what's going on. What pisses me off is this is not the best interest of our child for now. I have no problems sharing custody once treatment or counselling has begun.

Trying2016
Thank you for your response. I'm wondering why it's been so many days in the ICU. Did your XAH wake up with this scare?


This is what sucks with this disease....it basically destroys the person you loved. She was such a beautiful kind person before all of this.

LexieCat

I'm not a matrimonial attorney, but my understanding is that she could be compelled to provide medical information as part of the discovery process during the divorce. IOW, HIPAA might prevent you from getting the records from her medical providers but it doesn't affect her obligation to provide relevant information about her health to the extent it might affect her ability to parent. Talk to your lawyer about it.

SparkleKitty

Sam, if you haven't already, it's time to discuss a change in custody and your options with your lawyer.

atalose

See that’s just it, it’s more than just starting a treatment or counseling program, hell alcoholics do that all the time, get their papers signed at the AA meeting to prove to the court they were there. It does not mean they are actually recovering. You want to witness and see her recovery first before letting that wall of protection for the child down. I also believe a court would make her disclose her medical history when they are deciding custody and visitation.

FireSprite

It sounds like you're stuck waiting for more to be revealed Sam. A few days into this process isn't enough to prompt action IMO, not yet.....

But I would be consulting with an attorney to consider my options. I'd make sure to retain 100% custody WHILE she is in ICU, etc. & until you have more clarity about what you are facing. (I can't imagine your custody stipulates that you hand custody over to other relatives in her inability to parent, right?) *I* would want to be the one present with young child when visiting ICU, etc. *I* want to be the one answering the questions that come from such a visit, etc.

ladyscribbler

This was a very important part of my own recovery process, probably more so than learning to deal with alcoholism. My ex's family behaved in a similar way after I first left. They were going to enable him back to being a functioning alcoholic and "fight me" for custody of DS.

It was upsetting, but as I attended Al Anon meetings and met people on the "other side" of my situation- cut off from grandchildren because of an addicted adult child. I was able to let go of my anger and cultivate compassion. DS's safety was always my primary focus, but I also tried to be mindful of making sure that his relationship with his grandparents didn't suffer because of my ex's drinking. I had DS call them on Sundays to talk and sent them photos and some of his artwork and school papers to hang on their fridge (they are in another state).

This summer DS and I actually went to visit them and stayed for a couple of weeks. This was the culmination of a long process though. I already have sole physical custody. My ex had one unmonitored summer visit, after which DS was diagnosed with PTSD, so I used my power from the custody order to cancel any further visits. It wasn't easy, and there have been a lot of ups and downs, but we are now able to have a peaceful relationship, because it's on our terms, not filtered through alcoholic dysfunction.

sam1

We are officially divorced with 50/50 split on custody. We have actually been somewhat cordial up to this point. Now I'm worried about what is all smoke and mirrors. She lives with her family which I understand is a safer environment but hell they cant watch her 24-7 .

I have had full custody since she went to the hospital.

sam1

I just don't know the laws on how to approach this. Unfortunately I feel very uncomfortable now with her going back to 50/50 split. I know an alcoholic will lie thru their teeth to cover up their actions. I'm pissed they won't disclose what is going on to me. This is about safety for our child.

SparkleKitty

Your lawyer will know the laws.

LexieCat

Yes--this is NOT a "do-it-yourself" project. Too much is at stake. I'm a lawyer, but if I were in your position I wouldn't try to figure it out on my own. I'd go find a good family lawyer--preferably one who is experienced in issues about parenting and addiction.

sam1

I went thru a whole process during the divorce trying to prove her alcoholism. It's crazy she white knuckled herself thru everything my lawyer threw at her. Now all of a sudden she is starting to have these major medical issues. I feel like I'm out on an island somewhere trying to make everyone happy and protect our child first and foremost before anyone.
I really don't want to contact my lawyer to have him tell me there is nothing we can do but document. Especially if her family is trying to cover up what is happening.

LexieCat

I'm sorry, but that's like saying I've got cancer but I'm not going to the doctor because he might tell me there's nothing he can do.

SparkleKitty

So you'd rather just...guess, worry, and speculate?