really bad night.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 10
really bad night.
Hi, I'm new. My husband is a functioning alcoholic. He was drunk when he arrived at a theater to meet me and our 3 daughters tonight. I would not allow the girls to drive home in his car. He then said he was going to the restroom when I tried to stop him from driving and instead took off thru another door before I knew what happened. I'm now locked in my bedroom again. He's downstairs crazy mad.
I have talked to lawyers, many of them, in this state until he harms one of the kids there is no way to keep him from getting joint custody. I can't let that happen, they are not safe alone with him. And yes I will call the police if I feel physically threatened. I've done it before.
So I'm sittting here crying again and just needed to reach out. I just feel so stuck and so lonely.
I have talked to lawyers, many of them, in this state until he harms one of the kids there is no way to keep him from getting joint custody. I can't let that happen, they are not safe alone with him. And yes I will call the police if I feel physically threatened. I've done it before.
So I'm sittting here crying again and just needed to reach out. I just feel so stuck and so lonely.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by Michel03 
Hi, I'm new. My husband is a functioning alcoholic. He was drunk when he arrived at a theater to meet me and our 3 daughters tonight. I would not allow the girls to drive home in his car. He then said he was going to the restroom when I tried to stop him from driving and instead took off thru another door before I knew what happened. I'm now locked in my bedroom again. He's downstairs crazy mad.
I have talked to lawyers, many of them, in this state until he harms one of the kids there is no way to keep him from getting joint custody. I can't let that happen, they are not safe alone with him. And yes I will call the police if I feel physically threatened. I've done it before.
So I'm sittting here crying again and just needed to reach out. I just feel so stuck and so lonely.
I have talked to lawyers, many of them, in this state until he harms one of the kids there is no way to keep him from getting joint custody. I can't let that happen, they are not safe alone with him. And yes I will call the police if I feel physically threatened. I've done it before.
So I'm sittting here crying again and just needed to reach out. I just feel so stuck and so lonely.
It must be so hard to find strength at this time - but you need good counselling advice / not just legal advice and try to find a pathway forward
Thoughts are with you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Michel, this doesn't sound like the first time you've had to deal with this kind of behavior. Have you checked into Alanon for some f2f support for yourself? You are SO not alone, and between Alanon and SR, you will find a whole community of folks who "get it."
There are many members here who've had to find ways to protect their kids from an A spouse. I'm sure some of them will be along with some experience to share. One of the things that I do see in common in most of the threads on this topic is that while the A spouse is almost always allowed some contact w/the kids, there are limitations or supervision of some sort. Your fears about custody, while not unfounded, may be greater than they need to be.
Are you documenting his behavior, to the best of your ability? This could carry weight in a court decision too.
Again, I'm not a parent so this is not my direct experience or knowledge, but there are MANY here who can help you better than I can. Read around the forum as much as you can and you may begin to see some rays of hope for yourself and your kids. And please do look into Alanon. Not sure how old your kids are, but many meetings have child care for young kids for a nominal fee, usually a dollar per kid, and/or Alateen meetings at the same time for older kids.
There are many members here who've had to find ways to protect their kids from an A spouse. I'm sure some of them will be along with some experience to share. One of the things that I do see in common in most of the threads on this topic is that while the A spouse is almost always allowed some contact w/the kids, there are limitations or supervision of some sort. Your fears about custody, while not unfounded, may be greater than they need to be.
Are you documenting his behavior, to the best of your ability? This could carry weight in a court decision too.
Again, I'm not a parent so this is not my direct experience or knowledge, but there are MANY here who can help you better than I can. Read around the forum as much as you can and you may begin to see some rays of hope for yourself and your kids. And please do look into Alanon. Not sure how old your kids are, but many meetings have child care for young kids for a nominal fee, usually a dollar per kid, and/or Alateen meetings at the same time for older kids.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 10
Thank you I will look around for advice from others with children. The children and I have been in family therapy. My therapist wants me to tape him with my phone but I've been too scared. He's getting worse really fast. My girls are 12-14. It's been really hard on them watching this unfolding with a father they adore.
Up until the past year he's been able to hide his problem pretty well. Last night he was yelling at the girls that they had to drive with him and they were really scared. If I wasn't there they would have gone.
To say I'm terrified to leave them alone with them would be an absolute understatement.
Up until the past year he's been able to hide his problem pretty well. Last night he was yelling at the girls that they had to drive with him and they were really scared. If I wasn't there they would have gone.
To say I'm terrified to leave them alone with them would be an absolute understatement.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Michel....do you know how to use the "Search" bar at the top of the page?
You can type in a phrase there like....."protecting the children", etc.....
I sounds, to me like you need advice and help from the domestic violence center...you can talk to them on the phone in complete confidence. Emotional abuse qualifies you for help! Your husband doesn't need to know.
They have lots of resources at their disposal that you may not be aware of...in addition to shelter, if you should need it...
They are very understanding and want to help...they deal with this kind of situation every day....
You may not have thought of this as "abuse" or "domestic violence"....but, it does sound like it to me....
You don't have anything to loose by asking for assistance...
they can help and advise you as to how to stay safe.....
Domestic Violence Hotline.....1-800-799-7233
Even though you have been in family therapy...the domestic violence center help is not in conflict with that....they can offer you immediate and practical help
You can type in a phrase there like....."protecting the children", etc.....
I sounds, to me like you need advice and help from the domestic violence center...you can talk to them on the phone in complete confidence. Emotional abuse qualifies you for help! Your husband doesn't need to know.
They have lots of resources at their disposal that you may not be aware of...in addition to shelter, if you should need it...
They are very understanding and want to help...they deal with this kind of situation every day....
You may not have thought of this as "abuse" or "domestic violence"....but, it does sound like it to me....
You don't have anything to loose by asking for assistance...
they can help and advise you as to how to stay safe.....
Domestic Violence Hotline.....1-800-799-7233
Even though you have been in family therapy...the domestic violence center help is not in conflict with that....they can offer you immediate and practical help
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I am so sorry to hear about this frightening situation. I agree with other posters about calling the domestic violence hotline. They may be able to connect you with services for you and the girls. Sending you wishes for strength and peace.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Michel03
My therapist wants me to tape him with my phone but I've been too scared.
If you want to PM me the state where you live I can send you a link to the statute on recording that's applicable there. Not legal advice, but a link where you can read for yourself.
And in terms of the legal advice you've received indicating that without child abuse he will get shared custody, shared custody does NOT mean the courts cannot award primary physical custody to one parent and restrict visitation (e.g., supervised visitation; alcohol monitoring) for the children's safety. Most places draw a distinction between "legal custody" (which means the parent has a say in decisions regarding the children) and "physical custody" (which is the right to have the children in the parent's direct physical care). They are not always the same. I don't know of anywhere in the country that would disregard risk that doesn't rise to the level of child abuse. There are all kinds of creative ways to protect kids. I'd keep looking for a lawyer willing to help you put such protections in place.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Michel....when you call the dv center...you might, also, ask them to refer you to a lawyer who is experienced in cases like yours.....
You might want to do some reading on the following website...it is arranged by state....and, it is educational in nature...It might help you to know the right questions to ask when you do find the right lawyer....
Divorce Advice, Laws, and Information from WomansDivorce.com
You might want to do some reading on the following website...it is arranged by state....and, it is educational in nature...It might help you to know the right questions to ask when you do find the right lawyer....
Divorce Advice, Laws, and Information from WomansDivorce.com
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 10
Hi,
I'm not sure how to PM you?
Basically the lawyers are telling me I don't have enough proof yet. One police report for kicking in the door of the house but no drunk driving arrests. He is successful and charming and very convincing. He's been telling his family I'm crazy and until this year when the drinking has gotten so much worse they actually believed him.
I'm not sure how to PM you?
Basically the lawyers are telling me I don't have enough proof yet. One police report for kicking in the door of the house but no drunk driving arrests. He is successful and charming and very convincing. He's been telling his family I'm crazy and until this year when the drinking has gotten so much worse they actually believed him.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If you click on my username, an option will come up to send a PM to me.
I really strongly recommend that you speak with a DV advocate from your local women's shelter. They will know the ins and outs of protective orders, which generally include visitation provisions to protect the children. Kicking in doors is scary. But don't get snowed by the fact that he's charming. Experienced judges know how manipulative abusers tend to be and are not necessarily impressed by that. Yes, there are bad judges and police officers, but overall the level of expertise in this area is increasing. I help train all of them in response to domestic violence. I've worked professionally in the field for many years. Truly, an advocate and/or a lawyer experienced in domestic violence cases can give you the very best guidance and advice.
I really strongly recommend that you speak with a DV advocate from your local women's shelter. They will know the ins and outs of protective orders, which generally include visitation provisions to protect the children. Kicking in doors is scary. But don't get snowed by the fact that he's charming. Experienced judges know how manipulative abusers tend to be and are not necessarily impressed by that. Yes, there are bad judges and police officers, but overall the level of expertise in this area is increasing. I help train all of them in response to domestic violence. I've worked professionally in the field for many years. Truly, an advocate and/or a lawyer experienced in domestic violence cases can give you the very best guidance and advice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 10
Thank you. Apparently I can't send a PM until I have five posts
Until then I'll follow up with those links and phone calls. I thought I could hold things together here long enough for the girls to get a little older more able say no to him. At least before he used to be a happy drunk - he's getting meaner and meaner. Thankfully it's me he's angry with not the girls. The kids and I are going out of town for two weeks. It comes at a very good time.
Until then I'll follow up with those links and phone calls. I thought I could hold things together here long enough for the girls to get a little older more able say no to him. At least before he used to be a happy drunk - he's getting meaner and meaner. Thankfully it's me he's angry with not the girls. The kids and I are going out of town for two weeks. It comes at a very good time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Thankfully it's me he's angry with not the girls.
you said he was yelling at them the other night, drunk, trying to force them into the car. no child should have to witness one parent verbally abusing, demeaning and disrespecting the other - at home, in the car or in public. that's very damaging. they also learn that is "normal" and "ok" are likely to repeat that behavior in their selection of bf's and partners. they are likely to accept abuse.
you said he was yelling at them the other night, drunk, trying to force them into the car. no child should have to witness one parent verbally abusing, demeaning and disrespecting the other - at home, in the car or in public. that's very damaging. they also learn that is "normal" and "ok" are likely to repeat that behavior in their selection of bf's and partners. they are likely to accept abuse.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Michel...I want to RE-emphasize what Lexie said about judges seeing beyond charm, affability, and manipulation....so do domestic violence workers, lawyers and other professionals who deal with abusers.....
They see it all the time....Be assured that they will not be as gullible as his family and friends...
They will be there to help and support YOU......
They see it all the time....Be assured that they will not be as gullible as his family and friends...
They will be there to help and support YOU......
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think functioning is a stage of the disease usually followed by not functioning. Fast or slow it’s still downhill.
Active alcoholics don’t have relationships they take hostages. And right now you and the children are hostages. I know you can’t see it right now but your fear of him having the children alone are keeping your children and you stuck in that state of fear with the hostage taker in control.
Start documenting all of his verbal abuse, dates, times situations. Document each and every day that he is drunk, times, dates etc.
Divorces are all about negotiations including visitations. You need to find a lawyer who specializes in family law with a lot of experience with alcoholic spouses and visitations. It’s going to be all about control – his wanting to control everything and everyone and he’ll use whatever means he can, like fear using your own fear against you. Be strong!!!
Active alcoholics don’t have relationships they take hostages. And right now you and the children are hostages. I know you can’t see it right now but your fear of him having the children alone are keeping your children and you stuck in that state of fear with the hostage taker in control.
Start documenting all of his verbal abuse, dates, times situations. Document each and every day that he is drunk, times, dates etc.
Divorces are all about negotiations including visitations. You need to find a lawyer who specializes in family law with a lot of experience with alcoholic spouses and visitations. It’s going to be all about control – his wanting to control everything and everyone and he’ll use whatever means he can, like fear using your own fear against you. Be strong!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
