SouthFLGirl

hi everyone! I'm new here posting for the first time. I am going to try to tell a brief version of my five-year relationship with an alcoholic. We are both in our mid 40s and are both divorced from long marriages and each have a teenager. We do not live together. I opted to keep my own place because I did not want my daughter living with an active alcoholic. The past five years have been a roller coaster. He was a very heavy beer drinker and refused to see it as an issue at all. The first year or two he was very untrustworthy. When drinking I had caught him texting other girls and sending them messages on Facebook. He would go to bars and lie about it. He also had hit me a few times (and I hit back, which I never have done to anyone in my life) but each time he was very sorry and I excused it as drinking behavior. I did everything you're not supposed to do during those years, which was yelling, screaming, arguing, and threatening about his drinking. I had zero boundaries. I started going to Al-Anon and reading books and I learned to have boundaries and how to handle him when he was drinking, and I did well with that. The problem was I always held on to resentment for things in the past and was always afraid that he was going to drink and what he might do, as he would do things and not remember the next day after. He kept trying to quit on his own but obviously that wasn't working. Finally last year in September he went to AA. He was sober for 30 days and had a relapse, but he went back the next day. He had a couple more relapses (one drunk day and back to AA next day) This April he picked up a new white chip and started over again. During this time, I had been trying to learn to adjust to this new person that was dealing with life sober. His anxiety was high and he was depressed. He pretty much stopped giving me any type of attention, whether it be talking or sex or any of that. (he did not see it that way of course) He would tell me to give him a break, he is trying. On top of that two of his very good friends said that he cheated on me a year ago. When I confronted him with this he swore up-and-down left and right on his child's life that that wasn't true and he had no idea why his friends would ever say something like that. I still don't know what to believe. If you met him you would see a person who is quiet but nice and humble and hardworking and loves his sports and animals. You would never think he was a alcoholic unless you saw him drink. On Father's Day we got into an argument over something stupid and the next day I apologized. However, that silly argument led him to suddenly say he had serious doubts out relationship could work anymore due to MY behavior. That he feels like he walks on eggshells around me all the time, afraid to do or say anything that might upset me. He said he said I am looking for a saint. He said I deserve better and he's just a effing alcoholic anyway and that he realizes that he doesn't like himself. I was upset so I said well I guess basically you're saying we shouldn't be together anymore and he said well that sucks that you think that. And we haven't spoken since! I know I should be focusing on myself, but I do wonder if part of him wants to drink and he just doesn't want to be accountable to anyone if he has a relapse. The reason I am posting is because I am very sad to see my five-year relationship end and I am worried I will never find anyone else at this age. I felt like I did everything I could do, there's a part of me that keeps hoping he will contact me and we can work this out. What is wrong with me? If this was someone else I would tell them they did right by leaving. But since its my relationship and all this time I accepted his sorries and now HE tells ME I have problems that he can't handle. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. I can handle brutal honesty. I am confused.

WhiteFeathers

Welcome!

I'm so happy you have joined this forum and shared your story. It's hard to tell from the details you provided whether or not you had any fault in this relationship's demise, but I gather these facts...
1) He was never trustworthy and texted other women from the beginning
2) He is an active alcoholic
3) He hits you
3) You worry about your daughter spending too much time in his presence or living with him
4) He may have cheated on you
5) He is not happy in the relationship and wants to leave

But you think there could be a reason to fight for this relationship because he likes animals and also you are too old to find someone else.

I worry that you may be dealing with self-esteem issues and feel like you need some approximation of "love" so dearly that you will accept it from literally any source.

Perhaps examine your fear of being alone.

By the way, mid 40's isn't that old LOL!

SouthFLGirl

I can honestly say my part probably was that every time he would relapse my trust issues flew out the door again. And yes I did bring up his lack of attention which would anger him. I have never been alone and that scares me. Please Don't laugh but I have never gone a month without sex (15yr marriage and then basically right into this relationship) so I am petrified. I start to think about how he is when sober, how he is trying. And yes, I feel bad for him. uggg

TropicalWinter

If you're scared to be alone, perhaps that's exactly where you should be in order to get yourself healthy.

I'm taking an indefinite sabbatical on dating for the specific purpose of working on myself. A partner should complement you, not complete you.

maia1234

Yes!! Yes!!! Yes!! What white feathers said. It is in black and white. You are so much better then him. You need to work on your selfesteem. If you daughter showed you that post, what would you say to her???

Alcoholics do not make good partners.... An A posted this the other day and I will repost as I loved it. "We alcoholics are rarely, if ever, capable of maintaining our end of healthy relationship while in active addiction. We just don't have the capacity for the honesty and self sacrifice involved to be a part of something greater than ourselves."

Once you get "healthy" mentally, you will be ready for another relationship. Lowering yourself to live with this for the rest of your life is crazy. Don't be like me, I wasted 34 years with an addict, lies, cheating and BS!! It will never stop and it will only get worse as alcoholism always does.

Run fast my friend and cut contact completely from him. I almost can gtd that you have not heard the last from your addict. Sending hugs!!!

Bekindalways

Hi Southflgirl. It sure sounds like you have been through the wringer with this.

I sure understand being afraid to get out of a relationship even though I have been single for decades. It was tough to leave my qualifier. For me leaving was the absolute best thing. Compared to dealing with an alcoholic, I'll take celibacy any day

Let us know how you are doing!

dandylion

Southflgirl...I certainly am not laughing at you on the sex thing.....
Here is how I look at it----in a person's mind, sex can be a "proof" that there is "someone to be present and fill my need for love and intimacy with another"....therefore, if someone is present to love me..then I will not be alone...I will be safe. I will feel valued and cherished. I will be happy.
Sex becomes symbolic of all of those things. It is like, if sex is not present, none of these other human desires can be attained.

The problem with that way of thinking that-- sex provides safety and value and connectedness, in the presence of a dysfunctional or toxic relationship, produces a very, very thin gruel.
In fact, the person is usually already living with the very things that they fear the most. Already lonely, fearful, devalued, unsure....

I must say that if you are in your mid forties, you still have several decades ahead of you to find connectedness (and sex, also). Out western culture, I think, is horrible in the extent that the joys of life belong only to the very young.....That is a ageism propaganda. Don't buy it...don't believe it, because it is not true....
It is not uncommon for those in their eighties and later to marry or to enter satisfying intimate relationships.

Yes, I think you did right by leaving. I think the relationship was holding you back as a person.....from living your true p otential....

honeypig

I don't see anything wrong with this statement--what WOULD be wrong would be if he relapsed and it DIDN'T set off alarm bells for you!

"Trying" is not the point. Actual RECOVERY, with all that that entails (hint: it's way more than just putting down the bottle), is what he is supposed to be working on. Read around the forum a little if you don't understand what I'm saying when I talk about recovery.

You are not wrong, sick, ungrateful, unreasonable, a b**ch, or any other negative term b/c you've decided to stop accepting what is unacceptable.

Glad you found us here.

HikerLady

Welcome SouthFLGirl, so sorry you are going through such a difficult time, big hugs your way! So glad that Al-Anon and continued learning about alcoholism/codependency are part of your journey. I'm coming out of a 27 year marriage (4 months separated from AH), and I am looking forward to a wonderful future beginning at age 55. I feel as if some of the best years of my life are ahead of me yet!

I hope that you are able to discover what it is about you that is so addicted to this person/or idea of this person . I think for me, shifting the focus from my qualifier and beginning to focus on my own issues and self worth was the key to beginning hope again for a brighter future without him. Best wishes your way and please keep posting!

BlownOne

So, you'd rather be with someone who's physically abusive, cheats on you and is a lying, self pitying, emotionally unstable alcoholic than be alone and serene and at peace? Being alone isn't necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it can be a very good thing. Very enjoyable as well. And you will survive without sex. Trust me. Lots of us do it. Give yourself some time to try the single life and focus on yourself and your daughter. Give it a year and see how you feel. You may be very surprised. I jumped from relationship to relationship. Got married, got divorced, and jumped into another relationship. I'm single now, late 40's and loving it. I no longer define my self worth by being part of a couple, and I've literally never felt better. Just my own experience. Take what you want, leave the rest. =)

healthyagain

Hello and welcome!

One of the things that caught my eye is when you say that you are afraid that you might not be able to find anyone else "at that age." What I would love to ask you is, why do you think it is such a tragedy even if you do not find anyone else? Why do you HAVE to be in a relationship to BE happy? My point is this . . . when you care about something too much and would do anything to preserve it, you may sacrifice many other things in life that might be even more valuable than you think. First of all, you might be wasting your precious time on someone who does not deserve you or your time.

Start loving yourself and caring for yourself. And healthy people will find you. Do not worry about the age. It is so irrelevant. How you spend your precious time is more important.

SouthFLGirl

So many of you are spot on with the comments. Honestly I love all the feedback, no matter what you may have to say. Hit me over the head with it, I am learning. I do keep blaming myself in ways of course.. If I can be more understanding, maybe I was too harsh in bringing up the past.. I guess that is a codie behavior for sure. I do keep thinking of the "good things" about him and that is the part that makes me feel terrible. All the lying (especially the lying) has made me crazy. I don't feel I can trust him AT ALL and yet he says that he is doing NOTHING wrong and he is in the program and it is teaching him a lot and basically I am not giving him any credit. (not true, hell I even spent Thanksgiving at AA for him) One thing that concerned me too is that he only has 60 days, but says least he started the program in September. And expects me to "get over" anything prior to those 60 days.
Of course when he drinks he is the most affectionate happy guy. I guess that wasn't the real him. And I hear it takes a veryyy long time for an alcoholic to learn to live sober and deal with life sober. I thought I wanted to stay and work through it with him, but not sure I have 2, 3, 4 years to be on a merry go round. It is sad how alcohol completely ruins lives. And I don't think they change much in the first year. I think he thought it was all just about willpower and not drinking.

DontRemember

As a "double winner" I'll say that I had 7months sober,had a one night 'slip' and started back with my program. In those 7mo I was ALL over the place mentally, emotionally,ect..! You have every right to get on with your life,just as I'm doing after my break up with my gf. Be happy within yourself. Take care.

dandylion

One t hing that helps a lot of people...and, it helped me a lot....is, to write the things that were the worst experiences for you, in the relationship, on a piece of paper....
Keep it with you at all times. Read it whenever you start doubting yourself, or doing selective recall....You may have to read it a dozen times a day, sometimes...lol...
"Co-dependent No More" is practically a "bible", around here. Have you read it? If not, I highly, highly suggest that you do, You can get a cheap copy (used) on Amazon.com....or, at your library.....

You have every right to say that you have just had enough, if that is the case.....

JDas718

Thank you for sharing I know it's extremely hard to deal with the end of a relationship in general. Let alone the end of a relationship with an alcoholic and/or addict. Looking for answers to understand and simply feel better. I was in a relationship for 10 yrs and married for 7 of those yrs. He started selling drugs and shortly after became addicted himself. When you put that amount of time into another person you're investing in the best possible outcome. It is heartbreaking to say the least when the one we love cannot give the same back. I finally had enough when I found out he was cheating on me that was my breaking point. We all need to find our bottom, there will be a point when you simply cannot take anymore. If you are not with him now then I hope you stick with it even though it hurts like hell. Get back to you, put you and your daughter first. And Im gonna now say what I hated to hear myself but time is the ONLY thing that is going to make you feel better. I hated when people told me that cause I just wanted to get over it now I didn't wanna wait! But it was true, I went through hell and time was the only thing that helped me get back to me. That and I stopped thinking about having a man in my life I took that pressure off myself for a change. And trust me when the time is right there will be someone (no matter your age) he will come when you least except it, when you're not looking. That's when you apply all that you've learned from what you're going through right now. Good Luck and hang in there!

merhaba

when you care about something too much and would do anything to preserve it, you may sacrifice many other things in life that might be even more valuable than you think. First of all, you might be wasting your precious time on someone who does not deserve you or your time.
I reacted very similar in my relationship and had similar feelings....

reading this quote and challenging your emotional response to it could be really helpful in clarifying your thoughts and feelings
I will do the same.....thanks healthyagain
Start loving yourself and caring for yourself. And healthy people will find you.

FallenAngelina

I'm way older than you (I'm 56) and just ended it with my ABF a month ago. Now I go to yoga, Al-Anon, therapy, have lost a little weight and I feel great. The fear that older people (and you're not even "older people") have a hard time finding love is just a myth. Love and life is all around us if we are open to it. Men are attracted to a vibrant woman, no matter her age and there are many wonderful mature men who are dying to meet a fun, healthy, loving woman their age. The fear that finding love gets harder as we age is a complete and total falsehood. Love gets harder to find as we surround ourselves in fear, but age has absolutely nothing to do with it.

You are somebody's dream come true. Be yours, as well.

FallenAngelina

This is soooooooo important to understand, SouthFLGirl. I'm highlighting it because there are probably a few of us who could use this reminder. I know that I can.