"Filler" words when setting boundaries
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"Filler" words when setting boundaries
I was at the local pool today with my 7 year old nephew when his water toy landed next to another boy who took it unknowingly and started playing. Nephew let's him know nicely that the toy was his and he got it back. When he swam back to me I said "yay! You got it. Good job. So next time it lands somewhere else and it gets taken just say, 'excuse me I think that might be mine". Nephew looks at me and says, "yeah but not I THINK. I KNOW it's mine".
I thought this moment was so clearly characterizing the balance between healthy boundaries he clearly has, and the difficulties I tend to face with timidity and unhealthy boundaries. I realized that the words "I think" were just filler because I somehow didn't want to make the other party feel badly. Yet my nephew was able to kindly articulate that if something is his he has every right to it and there no need to waiver. You don't need to be a jerk either because I watched my nephew so sweetly with a smile let him know and nothing at all was unkind. He just cut to the chase like, well...of course it's my toy and I should have it back.
When setting boundaries I tend to use words like "I'm just.." and "I think" and "maybe" and "what if I..." because I lack the confidence to stand by what belongs to me like my respect and dignity. Maybe if I start communicating with less filler words and using strong words, I will KNOW that I deserve my water toy back because it's mine :-)
I thought this moment was so clearly characterizing the balance between healthy boundaries he clearly has, and the difficulties I tend to face with timidity and unhealthy boundaries. I realized that the words "I think" were just filler because I somehow didn't want to make the other party feel badly. Yet my nephew was able to kindly articulate that if something is his he has every right to it and there no need to waiver. You don't need to be a jerk either because I watched my nephew so sweetly with a smile let him know and nothing at all was unkind. He just cut to the chase like, well...of course it's my toy and I should have it back.
When setting boundaries I tend to use words like "I'm just.." and "I think" and "maybe" and "what if I..." because I lack the confidence to stand by what belongs to me like my respect and dignity. Maybe if I start communicating with less filler words and using strong words, I will KNOW that I deserve my water toy back because it's mine :-)
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Originally Posted by Smarie78 
I was at the local pool today with my 7 year old nephew when his water toy landed next to another boy who took it unknowingly and started playing. Nephew let's him know nicely that the toy was his and he got it back. When he swam back to me I said "yay! You got it. Good job. So next time it lands somewhere else and it gets taken just say, 'excuse me I think that might be mine". Nephew looks at me and says, "yeah but not I THINK. I KNOW it's mine".
I thought this moment was so clearly characterizing the balance between healthy boundaries he clearly has, and the difficulties I tend to face with timidity and unhealthy boundaries. I realized that the words "I think" were just filler because I somehow didn't want to make the other party feel badly. Yet my nephew was able to kindly articulate that if something is his he has every right to it and there no need to waiver. You don't need to be a jerk either because I watched my nephew so sweetly with a smile let him know and nothing at all was unkind. He just cut to the chase like, well...of course it's my toy and I should have it back.
When setting boundaries I tend to use words like "I'm just.." and "I think" and "maybe" and "what if I..." because I lack the confidence to stand by what belongs to me like my respect and dignity. Maybe if I start communicating with less filler words and using strong words, I will KNOW that I deserve my water toy back because it's mine :-)
I thought this moment was so clearly characterizing the balance between healthy boundaries he clearly has, and the difficulties I tend to face with timidity and unhealthy boundaries. I realized that the words "I think" were just filler because I somehow didn't want to make the other party feel badly. Yet my nephew was able to kindly articulate that if something is his he has every right to it and there no need to waiver. You don't need to be a jerk either because I watched my nephew so sweetly with a smile let him know and nothing at all was unkind. He just cut to the chase like, well...of course it's my toy and I should have it back.
When setting boundaries I tend to use words like "I'm just.." and "I think" and "maybe" and "what if I..." because I lack the confidence to stand by what belongs to me like my respect and dignity. Maybe if I start communicating with less filler words and using strong words, I will KNOW that I deserve my water toy back because it's mine :-)
So simple, yet not that easy for some of us. I can relate to this very much! Not even thinking about it...kids usually have the simplest solutions that us adults tend to overthink.
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Kids, gotta love them! So honest and there is so much to learn from them!
My problem are people who take kindness for weakness. There is a way of talking to someone that is socially appropriate. If someone takes something that is mine, I'll say "Can I please have my _____ back?" Well, there are people (I swear there are) who might think that even that please can be omitted. I am not being slimy, or tiptoeing, when I am talking in a polite civilized way. Ok, you are right, "I think that might be mine," why use think? Or why even use that sentence? But then again, if I have something that is yours, and you tell me, "I think that might be mine. Can I please have it?" I'll tell you, "Oh, so sorry, here it is!" And that's it! I will not analyze why you said it that way, the message was sent across, and besides, I did have something that was not mine.
Now when you do not ask for what is yours because you do not dare, and just let the other person keep it, now that is a real codependent problem!
My problem are people who take kindness for weakness. There is a way of talking to someone that is socially appropriate. If someone takes something that is mine, I'll say "Can I please have my _____ back?" Well, there are people (I swear there are) who might think that even that please can be omitted. I am not being slimy, or tiptoeing, when I am talking in a polite civilized way. Ok, you are right, "I think that might be mine," why use think? Or why even use that sentence? But then again, if I have something that is yours, and you tell me, "I think that might be mine. Can I please have it?" I'll tell you, "Oh, so sorry, here it is!" And that's it! I will not analyze why you said it that way, the message was sent across, and besides, I did have something that was not mine.
Now when you do not ask for what is yours because you do not dare, and just let the other person keep it, now that is a real codependent problem!
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Wonderful insight!
You know that Facebook game where it makes a word collage of all your most-used words?
The biggest word, right in the middle, for me was JUST. And I don't think it was because I was writing so much about the justice system.
Since then, I've been monitoring my language for equivocating words.
I'm also working on taking "I'm sorry" out of my lexicon. It's so easy to be sorry for everything. Sorry that you are even taking up valuable oxygen. It's better to say "I apologize for my error." Or "excuse me, I didn't see your foot there." Or "My condolences for your loss."
You know that Facebook game where it makes a word collage of all your most-used words?
The biggest word, right in the middle, for me was JUST. And I don't think it was because I was writing so much about the justice system.
Since then, I've been monitoring my language for equivocating words.
I'm also working on taking "I'm sorry" out of my lexicon. It's so easy to be sorry for everything. Sorry that you are even taking up valuable oxygen. It's better to say "I apologize for my error." Or "excuse me, I didn't see your foot there." Or "My condolences for your loss."
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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I have to work on this too. I notice it the most with written words, but I should probably pay more attention to my vocabulary when speaking. I can't tell you how many times I edit my posts for these words: just, I feel, I think, I'm sorry, perhaps.
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I will KNOW that I deserve my water toy back because it's mine :-)
wow, that just might be the most positive omg i think she's got it statement i've heard from you!!! that probably sounds way too condescending....sorry, so not my intent....but i totally flashed back to My Fair Lady.....by jove, i think she's got it!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVmU3iANbgk
one of my fave old movies....along with Gone With The Wind, The King and I, and Cat Ballou......oh and The Sound of Music. so please take this in the spirit intended???
wow, that just might be the most positive omg i think she's got it statement i've heard from you!!! that probably sounds way too condescending....sorry, so not my intent....but i totally flashed back to My Fair Lady.....by jove, i think she's got it!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVmU3iANbgk
one of my fave old movies....along with Gone With The Wind, The King and I, and Cat Ballou......oh and The Sound of Music. so please take this in the spirit intended???
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Yup, I do that too--"I just", "I think", "I guess", "maybe", "sort of"--the list goes on and on. And it doesn't work in my favor too often...
Remember the Alanon saying--Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.
Remember the Alanon saying--Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Professionally I eliminated "just", "I think", and "if it's not too much trouble / if you don't mind", etc from my vocabulary years ago.
It never occurred to me to do it personally until several months ago.
There are countless free online seminars on speaking confidently and assertively. Most are based on a professional environment, but I've found it incredibly helpful to watch them again with personal interactions in mind.
It never occurred to me to do it personally until several months ago.
There are countless free online seminars on speaking confidently and assertively. Most are based on a professional environment, but I've found it incredibly helpful to watch them again with personal interactions in mind.
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