This is new.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
This is new.
I met someone - hes pretty great, but its only been a couple weeks.
I'm happy to say that THIS TIME I feel different. I'm not over the moon out the gate. I'm not focused on looks, or how he makes me feel, only on what he says and does, and on how this relationship will affect or change my life....cause at the moment, I'm busy and not willing to give up much of it.
We've been pretty transparent with each other about our good and bad 'stuff.' And I have some real concerns about our similarities. I think he's a pretty self aware codie - that hasn't sought recovery, but is aware and trying to change his issues of jumping in too quickly, and too often after the last one, and of choosing addicts or unavailable women. That worries me. That WAS me.
So, we're gonna take this at a snails pace, and I am going to be very aware of red flags, trust my guts, keep a level head, and run like hell if I see anything unacceptable.
And I'm posting this to remind myself that these last couple years by myself has been challenging, life changing, scary, fun, and a real and much needed growth spurt for me that I DO NOT want to lose traction on by focusing on someone else.
I'm also posting cause you guys keep it real with me. I do not know what happens when 2 codies get together. One that has changed and wants to keep on that path, and one that is aware and is changing, but to my knowledge hasn't gone down the road in any professional or organized manner.
The good thing is is that if he ends up anywhere near as critical, judgmental, demanding or hovering as I was, that I would have run for the hills even back when I was an active codie. So - I have cautious optimism, and am just enjoying this exciting, fun, and terrifying time.
I'm happy to say that THIS TIME I feel different. I'm not over the moon out the gate. I'm not focused on looks, or how he makes me feel, only on what he says and does, and on how this relationship will affect or change my life....cause at the moment, I'm busy and not willing to give up much of it.
We've been pretty transparent with each other about our good and bad 'stuff.' And I have some real concerns about our similarities. I think he's a pretty self aware codie - that hasn't sought recovery, but is aware and trying to change his issues of jumping in too quickly, and too often after the last one, and of choosing addicts or unavailable women. That worries me. That WAS me.
So, we're gonna take this at a snails pace, and I am going to be very aware of red flags, trust my guts, keep a level head, and run like hell if I see anything unacceptable.
And I'm posting this to remind myself that these last couple years by myself has been challenging, life changing, scary, fun, and a real and much needed growth spurt for me that I DO NOT want to lose traction on by focusing on someone else.
I'm also posting cause you guys keep it real with me. I do not know what happens when 2 codies get together. One that has changed and wants to keep on that path, and one that is aware and is changing, but to my knowledge hasn't gone down the road in any professional or organized manner.
The good thing is is that if he ends up anywhere near as critical, judgmental, demanding or hovering as I was, that I would have run for the hills even back when I was an active codie. So - I have cautious optimism, and am just enjoying this exciting, fun, and terrifying time.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I think it's lovely you've met someone, fb, and even lovelier that you have your eyes wide open about all of it.
When my DD17 started seeing her new guy back in January, we had the following conversation:
You are 17. Try not to worry about much besides:
1. How does he make you feel?
2. How does he handle stressful situations?
3. Do his words match his actions?
You, of course, are NOT 17.
But I still think it's a useful place to start, and take the baby steps from there.
Enjoy this new fun-ness, my friend!
When my DD17 started seeing her new guy back in January, we had the following conversation:
You are 17. Try not to worry about much besides:
1. How does he make you feel?
2. How does he handle stressful situations?
3. Do his words match his actions?
You, of course, are NOT 17.
But I still think it's a useful place to start, and take the baby steps from there.Enjoy this new fun-ness, my friend!
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 27
I'm glad to hear things are going well and you are going into this with eyes wide open, not with the blinders that many of us had on when we went into relationships with our A's. I think that you are cautious enough that you will be careful to look for signs there could be trouble but at the same time I hope you don't let that hinder you from the relationship developing naturally. You mentioned he's not in recovery - but who knows, maybe your influence can lead him down that path!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I do not know what happens when 2 codies get together.
this just begs for a line like: Two codie walked into a bar......
but they'd both come out with alcoholics, so let's not go there!!!
congrats on "allowing" someone in, for being courageous yet cautious, bold behind your boundaries!
this just begs for a line like: Two codie walked into a bar......
but they'd both come out with alcoholics, so let's not go there!!!
congrats on "allowing" someone in, for being courageous yet cautious, bold behind your boundaries!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
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I think that you are cautious enough that you will be careful to look for signs there could be trouble but at the same time I hope you don't let that hinder you from the relationship developing naturally.
Thanks guys - I have more confidence than ever in my instincts and follow through and mostly because of this place. <3
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firebolt.....I am curious...so, I am going to just ask....what evidence do you have to make you think he is a "codie who hasn't sought recovery"..?
Along those same lines,how do you think that the other women who have been in relationships with him would describe him?
Along those same lines,how do you think that the other women who have been in relationships with him would describe him?
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Good question, and thanks for making me pause and consider that I might jump to conclusions at times lol.
Mostly because he has always chosen unavailable women. His last marriage was to"someone that just wanted to party all of the time, and when he wanted to tone it down, she lost it." He said shed quit drinking for a month, then it would ramp back up again. He never used the word alcoholic, but described several all too familiar incidents with her drinking. He stayed with her for 4 years. I say he hasn't sought recovery because he isn't using 'our words." LOL
Hes still seems bitter, but acknowledges he changed because of the marriage, and slowly started realizing his worth and that he catered to someone who couldn't reciprocate, and tried to change her.
I actually asked him what gripes his exes would have about him. He said that only one was amicable and they grew apart - she stayed home while he traveled for work. Shes the mother of his adult child and they are on good terms and are appreciative of each other - it was healthy but they were young. He said the rest would say that he tried to change them, to make them home-bodies and settle down, after he started the relationships by partying with them.
He felt the more recent healthy, strong and good person that he dated was 'boring' and 'too nice' and he sees that his thinking is flawed there. He also has jumped from one relationship to the next, with little time in between. And I'm no different. His last girlfriend was a 1 year relationship that ended 2 months ago.
Also, he jumps in deep very quickly with every relationship, and I can feel him trying to do that with me a little. Checking in several times per day, wanting to hang out every day, and pushing to build our connection quickly. (I am responding when I can, saying no to hanging out every day, stating that it's going to take me a while to commit to anything, and taking clear time for myself - YAY!!) From this, I could guess some of his exes would say he's clingy?
I say hes a codie who hasn't sought recovery because every story is very very familiar to me, as well as how he is interacting with me out of the gate.
Mostly because he has always chosen unavailable women. His last marriage was to"someone that just wanted to party all of the time, and when he wanted to tone it down, she lost it." He said shed quit drinking for a month, then it would ramp back up again. He never used the word alcoholic, but described several all too familiar incidents with her drinking. He stayed with her for 4 years. I say he hasn't sought recovery because he isn't using 'our words." LOL
Hes still seems bitter, but acknowledges he changed because of the marriage, and slowly started realizing his worth and that he catered to someone who couldn't reciprocate, and tried to change her.
I actually asked him what gripes his exes would have about him. He said that only one was amicable and they grew apart - she stayed home while he traveled for work. Shes the mother of his adult child and they are on good terms and are appreciative of each other - it was healthy but they were young. He said the rest would say that he tried to change them, to make them home-bodies and settle down, after he started the relationships by partying with them.
He felt the more recent healthy, strong and good person that he dated was 'boring' and 'too nice' and he sees that his thinking is flawed there. He also has jumped from one relationship to the next, with little time in between. And I'm no different. His last girlfriend was a 1 year relationship that ended 2 months ago.
Also, he jumps in deep very quickly with every relationship, and I can feel him trying to do that with me a little. Checking in several times per day, wanting to hang out every day, and pushing to build our connection quickly. (I am responding when I can, saying no to hanging out every day, stating that it's going to take me a while to commit to anything, and taking clear time for myself - YAY!!) From this, I could guess some of his exes would say he's clingy?
I say hes a codie who hasn't sought recovery because every story is very very familiar to me, as well as how he is interacting with me out of the gate.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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I hope things work out in the best way possible for you Firebolt. Maybe just remember that saying about how some people come into your life for a season and a reason. I think its a win win situation as long as you keep it in perspective. Time spent with someone you care about, staying true to yourself, and learning more about yourself, as well as this new person in your life. Plus its summer and so much to do out there !
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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It sounds like you have a good handle on the potential risks of "too much too fast too soon" with someone who has this kind of relationship history. I think an important sign would be how he handles it when you say you don't want to hang out every day. Does he respond with disappointment or anxiety, or does he respond with "no problem"?
(A tiny yellow flag for me was when you mentioned that he tried to "change" other women he dated, and that when he found one who didn't need changing [the stable, healthy, strong one], he found her "boring". I know he recognizes that that's flawed thinking, but I wonder if he's on some level looking for someone to rescue? Does he see you as someone in need of help or as someone who is strong and self-reliant?).
At the same time, enjoy the ride and have fun!
(A tiny yellow flag for me was when you mentioned that he tried to "change" other women he dated, and that when he found one who didn't need changing [the stable, healthy, strong one], he found her "boring". I know he recognizes that that's flawed thinking, but I wonder if he's on some level looking for someone to rescue? Does he see you as someone in need of help or as someone who is strong and self-reliant?).
At the same time, enjoy the ride and have fun!
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Does he respond with disappointment or anxiety, or does he respond with "no problem"?
Does he see you as someone in need of help or as someone who is strong and self-reliant?).
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WoW, firebolt....I am appreciative that you have voluntarily answered the questions so openly and honestly.....
To be honest with you...and I say this with a lot of caring---I fear that you may be walking with thin ice, with this one....because I see some red flags....
I can really relate to how delicious it can feel when a new someone is wildly enamored with you....(thank you, cascade of bonding hormones).
If he is clingy, now...(controlling is a good synonym for clingy)....that says, to me, that this is his automatic behavior...and, probably, at a less than conscious level...no matter what he says, intellectually. Once he thinks he has won you over, you may seem more like his possession that he is entitled to, than just a fun playmate.....
Walk carefully, my dear firebolt, because I can see you as like an alcoholic who dashes into the liquor store to buy a pack of gum.....d.a,n.g.e.r.o.u.s. territory.....
I think it might be wise to keep looking around for other companions ...to keep "playing the field"......
What seems like a small pebble, at 2 weeks can feel like a boulder at one year, or two....lol!
I am sooo sorry to be the o ne who takes a different approach on this.....
In all sincerity,
dandylion
To be honest with you...and I say this with a lot of caring---I fear that you may be walking with thin ice, with this one....because I see some red flags....
I can really relate to how delicious it can feel when a new someone is wildly enamored with you....(thank you, cascade of bonding hormones).
If he is clingy, now...(controlling is a good synonym for clingy)....that says, to me, that this is his automatic behavior...and, probably, at a less than conscious level...no matter what he says, intellectually. Once he thinks he has won you over, you may seem more like his possession that he is entitled to, than just a fun playmate.....
Walk carefully, my dear firebolt, because I can see you as like an alcoholic who dashes into the liquor store to buy a pack of gum.....d.a,n.g.e.r.o.u.s. territory.....
I think it might be wise to keep looking around for other companions ...to keep "playing the field"......
What seems like a small pebble, at 2 weeks can feel like a boulder at one year, or two....lol!
I am sooo sorry to be the o ne who takes a different approach on this.....
In all sincerity,
dandylion
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I really appreciate your thoughts Dandylion. I do want to be open and honest! I do trust my boundaries and willpower right now - even with that delicious feeling of someone wildly enamored with me The last thing in the whole world I want is for ME to relapse, and I'll fight like hell for that.
I do not however trust my ability to gauge acceptable vs unacceptable on the fine line stuff. Heavy drinkers - NOPE. Smooth talkers - NOPE. But, we all have issues, so which ones are ok? I want all of the insight and healthy thoughts to balance against my compass. It's the only way I can think of to keep it on course, and keep my own logic and level head vs those hormones you mention. The good thing is that I'm more aware of myself and my tendencies than ever I guess, and it seems like we are both being very transparent with eachother.
Its a bit of a hard pill to swallow to hear "maybe keep looking".... because he reminds me so much of me not so long ago...and yeah, i see those things as warning signs too, and that is painful and embarrassing and the ONLY thing I know is that I never want to be there again!
Thanks so much guys - love you all!
The last thing in the whole world I want is for ME to relapse, and I'll fight like hell for that. I do not however trust my ability to gauge acceptable vs unacceptable on the fine line stuff. Heavy drinkers - NOPE. Smooth talkers - NOPE. But, we all have issues, so which ones are ok? I want all of the insight and healthy thoughts to balance against my compass. It's the only way I can think of to keep it on course, and keep my own logic and level head vs those hormones you mention. The good thing is that I'm more aware of myself and my tendencies than ever I guess, and it seems like we are both being very transparent with eachother.
Its a bit of a hard pill to swallow to hear "maybe keep looking".... because he reminds me so much of me not so long ago...and yeah, i see those things as warning signs too, and that is painful and embarrassing and the ONLY thing I know is that I never want to be there again!
Thanks so much guys - love you all!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by firebolt 
I met someone - hes pretty great, but its only been a couple weeks.
The times in my life that I've fallen for someone so quickly have ended
painfully, so I now when I find myself thinking too much about someone in the first couple weeks I see it as a red flag, and step back a bit. It could be something that has been triggered within myself, or that my attachment system has been activated, most likely because the other person is avoidant dismissive (google attachment theory avoidant dismissive to really have your eyes opened about relationship issues).
3 months is a good amount of time. If you have the butterflies then, you've probably met a keeper
)
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firebolt....I am so aware that I am probably coming across as raining on your parade....because I KNOW how you feel right now....
I know that you identify with him....because you see your older self I n him....
**Do not forget that you have worked intensely hard on yourself, for a while, to become more self aware....(and he has not had the benefit of such work at insight...having just come off of a relationship, recently)....
I don't really see it as a bad thing to date more than one person.....as long as one is honest about it....It keeps a person from putting all their eggs in one basket, so to speak, until they have had a longer time to evaluate any one person as being a good match....
I think it takes about 2yrs. to really, really, get to know another person.... and, still, we continue to learn more about each other, the longer we are together....
I don't want to make you feel bad...I am just talking to you like I would talk to my really good best girlfriend, or, my daughter....because I care about her so much....
I am just trying to give you food for thought....
I know that you identify with him....because you see your older self I n him....
**Do not forget that you have worked intensely hard on yourself, for a while, to become more self aware....(and he has not had the benefit of such work at insight...having just come off of a relationship, recently)....
I don't really see it as a bad thing to date more than one person.....as long as one is honest about it....It keeps a person from putting all their eggs in one basket, so to speak, until they have had a longer time to evaluate any one person as being a good match....
I think it takes about 2yrs. to really, really, get to know another person.... and, still, we continue to learn more about each other, the longer we are together....
I don't want to make you feel bad...I am just talking to you like I would talk to my really good best girlfriend, or, my daughter....because I care about her so much....
I am just trying to give you food for thought....
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You didnt make me feel bad - just keeping me thinking and I appreciate it. The worst thing I can think of would be me starting to obsess or spiral over someone else again. I never want to be that person again! Always appreciate your insight.
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