loveandmagic

Ex boyfriend showed up at my place at 2:30am (after our break up 5 months ago). He kept telling me he thinks of me every day. He cried and told me he loves me, and he never stopped loving me, and he only told me he wasn't in love with me anymore bc he thought I didn't deserve all the pain he was putting me through with his alcoholism, and he wanted me to have a better life. He said he felt I deserved a man with money, who wasn't anxious about getting on a plane and traveling, who was able to be there for me 100% of the time, and he's not that person, and he's just a degenerate. He told me he had been planning on killing himself. He said he hates himself so much, he doesn't know how to stop and he's so unhappy.

I told him he can't be a part of my life in any way unless he gets help and learns to love and respect himself.

We stayed up all night talking, laughing, crying... and I'm so confused. The night got better, and I felt like I had my babe back again. I want to maintain my boundaries... I told him that this is my life and I am in control of it and I will not allow him to phuq with my head or heart anymore. I sounded tough. I don't know if I believed my own words though.

He seemed lost, sad and defeated. He said he wanted my companionship again. I told him my boundaries were working a program and sobriety. Deep down I feel like he still thinks he can control it.

UGH HELP

SparkleKitty

So...nothing has changed.

He is right about one thing: you DO deserve a better partner than the one he can be right now.

VigilanceNow

Hi loveandmagic. What a tough situation. You want to think the best of the person you love, but trust is a hard thing to rebuild. I think he needs to focus 100% on his sobriety, and you don't want to play parole officer checking in on him every other day. I don't know what I would do... It's not fair to make you feel his sobriety is contingent on you two being together. He's likely to get comfortable again and go back into old ways.

I think unfortunately only time will tell. Saying he is going to meetings etc isn't enough. He should also be seeing a therapist if he was thinking about ending his life. But all this crap about not being good enough for you... That sounds like manipulation to me. He has to make some major changes before you should even consider a friendship, let alone a relationship with him. It will have to be little by little. If there's any chance he is considering anything but total abstinence, don't even let him around. Good luck :-) keep updating here!

Maudcat

Firm boundary, like brick wall firm:
You can't be part of my life as long as you are drinking.
You must embrace sobriety AND work a recovery plan for a solid year before we talk about anything.
He is trying to pull you back into his orbit.
Though reunions are very fun and tempting, nothing has changed.
Don't fall for it.
And why is he coming to your place at 2:30 in the morning, for goodness sake?
If he were really serious about working on your relationship, he would call or text you, set up a time to talk, and show up.
Sober.

VigilanceNow

PS the lost, sad, and defeated is probably him experiencing anxiety and depression after a binge. I've been there. All you want is some return to normalcy.. and unfortunately we often look for that in past relationships. It's extremely unfair... Don't fall for it

firebolt

Trust yourself. Ignoring our instincts is what got us there in the first place!

And showing up at 2am....yeah...

VigilanceNow

I agree. Trust your instincts. And as I mentioned, having done this myself to an ex boyfriend (still had the keys to the apt we once shared), in retrospect I can tell you the words I spoke had nothing to do with a desire to get sober. It was my overwhelming desperation to feel human again after feeling like a worthless receptacle for alcohol. It's no one's responsibility to make me feel human/normal... Each of us has to find that on our own :-)

tomsteve

"Ex boyfriend showed up at my place at 2:30am'
welllll, now, showing up in the middle of the morning and going on with all the self pity sure was a great way to show how much he loves and respects you, wasnt it?

"He told me he had been planning on killing himself. He said he hates himself so much, he doesn't know how to stop and he's so unhappy. "

wellll, now saying hes planning on killing himself is a great way to TRYand get someone to join in the self pity, now isnt it?

b.s. on not knowing how to stop. imo, his idea on how to stop is to drag you back in and have you get him to stop.
a few months ago," He truly admitted he was an alcoholic, but wouldn't put himself in a program because he believes he can do it on his own, which I know is not true."
so, he KNOWS there are programs. he KNOWS where the help is.

loveandmagic, ya may want to go back and read this thread
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html

might help ya take this:
"I told him my boundaries were working a program and sobriety."
add to your boundaries no contact and maybe some other things.

FallenAngelina

When someone tells you his own shortcomings, believe him. My XABF says all of this about himself, too, and my response was always to try and "be there for him" because, well... love. And a mile wide codependent streak.

What is your current recovery or wellness program? Shoving BF out the door and even keeping him out the door is just the start. There's a lot more that just keeping your distance if you want a fulfilling life after love with an addict. What has your life been like since you parted five months ago? This isn't about your alcoholic XBF, it's about what you are choosing to make your life into now.

And...... NOTHING is ever worth trading your peace of mind for.

AnvilheadII

Rule #1 - showing up at 2:30 in the damn morning is UNACCEPTABLE. that is not someone who is thinking straight OR thinking about the person they are waking up in the middle of the night.

notice that ALL his talk was about him......how HE feels, poor him, poor confused unhappy HIM, poor degenerate low life loser HIM.

i'll be blunt - did it work? did you sleep with him?

Ariesagain

Take it from one who knows...2:00 to 3:00 a.m. is the Official Hour of the Boozer Blues. It's when the maudlin self-pity hits and usually about the time you run out of booze and can't sleep. Those emotions usually vanish after the next morning and/orthe first few drinks of the next day.

It's meaningless because it's still the addiction talking. It's still all about him. Don't take any of his words to heart. There's a good chance he won't even remember most of it.

Protect yourself.

amy55

Oh, such malarkey, self pity, manipulation. Who wakes someone up at 2:30 in the morning for this kind of BS?

I'm not sure if you usually stay up all night, but if you don't, he kept you up all night long so that you would feel sorry for him. How was your workday today, or were you off from work?

Did he have any consideration at all for you when he woke you up at 2:30 am? Was he looking for his next place to crash at?

Please re-read what you wrote, when you are not sleep deprived.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

tomsteve

sometimes i read a post and something dont add up. so i step back and think. usually more is revealed, and this is what was revealed:

"i told him he cant be a part of my life in any way unless he gets help and learns to love and respect himself. '

................
WE stayed up all night talking, laughing, crying."

i am not that smart, but how is that not being a part of your life in any way?


.


is this the actions of someone who truly wants you to have a better life?

atalose

YET, that happened the minute you opened the door at 2:30AM.

When your past comes calling - don't answer - it has nothing new to say.

NYCDoglvr

Ditto. I wouldn't take his protestations personally, I did the same kind of thing when I drank. You do deserve much, much better.

Nata1980

Yeah my ex attempts to do the same thing - he is sober tho. Working the steps. His new life is impossible. I recall that his old life was also impossible. Can't win. It is also all about him. I have to keep in touch with him because he is a father of my son.

Don't fall for this BS - especially since he is still drunk.

Mpie9

I feel your pain. I was just thinking when reading your post, what if my recent xabf did the same thing? I'd be so tempted to try again. It means i'm still not strong, and the fact that you aren't sure either is a sure sign that you still need to focus on yourself a bit longer. The longer you wait, the longer you will be OK alone and realize that this is manipulation. My ex was THE best at telling me the right thing and what i wanted to hear- they were some of the best days of my life when I actually believed those words, until I didn't.... Words mean NOTHING. My ex texted me at 12 am before i blocked him and said he was done, and would quit, AT 12AM when he was DEF drinking. Time and ACTIONS will tell unfortunately. UGH i feel your pain. I'm still having days where i want to talk to him him, hold him. It's unbearable. It almost seems the longer we don't speak the harder it is for me. Like the nostalgia seeps back harder than ever. I recommend blocking him - hardest thing I've ever done EVER, if you haven't already.

xx

Ladybird579

I was going to go off on a rant but tomsteve has nailed it. So wot he said.

Cyranoak

...for 20 years or so.

It's like a boxer and his/her jab-- the jab is not the knock out blow, it sets the opponent up for the knock out blow-- the big left or the big right that knocks you the heck out.

What you just experienced is the jab. What's next if you keep engaging is going to be the knock out blow and it's likely you'll find yourself right back in the middle of it.

You gave an inch-- now he's going to go for the mile.

Good luck to you.

Cyranoak

h00ped

Big hugs, you've gotten a lot of good advice on this thread.

I went through this same thing, and honestly, finally going no contact completely was the best thing for me. My xABF used self-deprecation a lot after we broke up in hopes it would play on my nurturing and rescuing (codie?) side. It was all a manipulation. I also found out later he was pulling the same lines on other women that he used to hook me in the early days of our relationship at the same time as he was begging for us to get back together (and continuing to drink).

What's telling in his boo hoo story is that he supposedly broke up with you (or told you he didn't love you or whatever) because he wasn't good enough for you - so if this were true, and he hasn't improved himself or made any changes - what does it say that he's back, the same man, looking to rope you back in. Has he changed his mind that you deserve better? So now he isn't so concerned about you having a better man? If his story were true, he would leave you alone to find that other man, or at least to be free of his drama.

Be strong, it gets better. No contact really helps the wound heal vs. having the scab ripped off after a confusing episode like this.