dandylion

Smarie....I have a "bright idea". Why not take a year sabbatical. A gift to your self...away from the responsibilities of your family and boyfriend. Take it across the country...several hundred miles away.....
You could join an organization like AmeriCorps,org, or something similar...and ask for a long distance placement...for a year.
The geography would make it too difficult to keep a nest in his...or, their ears....

It would be the equivalence of a year in co-dependent rehab....

Why not????

PuzzledHeart

Dandylion's idea is fantastic. Take a sabbatical. Heck you could even apply for the Peace Corps (although the application process can take a while).

One of the things I did that played a huge part in me breaking up with Misogynist happened to be a vacation. It was just one week, but it was enough to get me out of the habit of being with him. We did still see each other afterwards, but the stage had been set for our breakup.

FallenAngelina

Planned Parenthood does full STD screenings, is available for any person and has a sliding fee scale.
No excuses.

Also, I recall that you went to Al-Anon, but are you actively working the program? Therapy is great for the deep, deep work, but Al-Anon is community support of a different nature. Friends from this group and a sponsor would be there for you to call at your most vulnerable moments. Al-Anon, in various ways, is there for you every single day.

You definitely can't quit him on your own. You need a full court press of support.

SaveYourHeart

Smarie!!! You can't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. I believe in you. Sending *hugs* because I know the struggle is real <3

firebolt

And just like him, you may or may not have a rock bottom. It sounds like you are feeling pretty low right now, so HUGS to you

Sending you some peace, strength, and lots and lots of self love right now. Things don't have to be this way, and you deserve so much better.

Smarie78

Thank you so much for all the support. I have therapy here in a couple of hours and copy pasted this post to show her. I have taken block off and on from Abf admittedly this weekend. Half completely detached and enjoyed my weekend wholly and selfishly, and half worried something will happen to him. It's that internal struggle to let go and convince myself I am not abandoning him.

This morning when phone was unblocked and I saw he called I answered because I admittedly was feeling worried about his safety this weekend. He told me he has nowhere to go and slept in a forest preserve the last couple of nights and begged to come stay at my house one night. The good thing is that I went to my parents house last night, locked my doors (deadbolt he doesn't have key) and going to be here for a couple of days. Yes that compassionate codie part of my heart was hurting knowing that bit of info and hearing the desperation in his voice, but the other part of me knows I have done the best I could for him and letting him come over when I am not even sure he has stopped drinking would be dangerous all around. I don't really trust anything he has said lately so it would feel like letting a stranger in the home.

Also, his story doesn't seem to be adding up these days. On Thursday it was that he was going to detox the next day and then the Sober House would let him back in (thats when I got him a room for the night at the dirt ball motel). Then suddenly four days later he supposedly can't get in touch with the SH manager and he is waiting for him to call back. Strange enough when I offered to help by seeing if I could try to contact him, I got radio silence (I know I shouldn't have offered, but for now it's the best I can do without letting him physically near me are little things like helping to call). Again, NOTHING adds up in this story each time we speak.

Back to putting him on block and hoping I have the strength to follow through. I know he has a family and we live in a great big city and the weather is perfect so he has resources. Ahhh the insanity! I feel ok knowing he is alive and for now that's enough for me (yes I know that shouldn't even matter but I am being realistic with myself here).

dandylion

Smarie....every step you make in a forward direction is a bit or progress....no matter how small...it is still progress....
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" (author unknown)