How long will it take this wound to heal

Old 07-15-2017, 03:09 PM
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How long will it take this wound to heal

I was in a relationship ( for a year) with a man that is an alcholic. It was my first experience and I handled in naively, because I loved him deeply. We broke up 5 months ago, his drinking had reached a troubling level and he was isolating us from his family. It was a heartbreaking breakup that truly left me stunned and questioning my ability to discern who should be in my life.

I moved to another city just to avoid the push and pull of this relationship. I thought by now I would be over it. I'm not at all. He called me at 2:30 am on Monday and even though I didn't answer it has thrown me for a loop. I miss him and love him yet know I can't be with him. I have a hard time dating now because I have my boundaries so high I would rather not let anyone in. Even great guys I seem to not be able to go on more than two dates before I stop seeing them.

Sadly, my ex is angry with me for reason I'm not sure of except that I have moved away. I think it's hard to handle the pernamence of that type of moving on and anger might be easier for him to deal with vs. loss. Either way, I wish he didn't hate me. It's hard to think of someone I still care for loathing me.

I guess my question is does this get better? If this man tries to come back in my life how have you handled a similar situation? Mostly, how do you learn to trust again? How do you stop worrying about them coming back and whether or not you will be strong enough to stand you ground? I feel weak and worry my love for him will overshadow what is right for me if he keeps coming back.
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Old 07-15-2017, 04:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Bittersweetlove View Post
I was in a relationship ( for a year) with a man that is an alcholic. It was my first experience and I handled in naively, because I loved him deeply. We broke up 5 months ago, his drinking had reached a troubling level and he was isolating us from his family. It was a heartbreaking breakup that truly left me stunned and questioning my ability to discern who should be in my life.

I moved to another city just to avoid the push and pull of this relationship. I thought by now I would be over it. I'm not at all. He called me at 2:30 am on Monday and even though I didn't answer it has thrown me for a loop. I miss him and love him yet know I can't be with him. I have a hard time dating now because I have my boundaries so high I would rather not let anyone in. Even great guys I seem to not be able to go on more than two dates before I stop seeing them.

Sadly, my ex is angry with me for reason I'm not sure of except that I have moved away. I think it's hard to handle the pernamence of that type of moving on and anger might be easier for him to deal with vs. loss. Either way, I wish he didn't hate me. It's hard to think of someone I still care for loathing me.

I guess my question is does this get better? If this man tries to come back in my life how have you handled a similar situation? Mostly, how do you learn to trust again? How do you stop worrying about them coming back and whether or not you will be strong enough to stand you ground? I feel weak and worry my love for him will overshadow what is right for me if he keeps coming back.
Hi BSL

I'm sorry for what you are going through

I think you need to step back & examine your relationship. His drinking problem was bad enough that inspite of loving him deeply you chose to leave the realationship. Something was very wrong. It was bad enough that you moved to another city. To get away. You said after you moved he called at 2:30 am on a Monday. That's not normal A normal person calls at a respectful time. None of this are signs of a happy healthy relationship

You also said it was a heartbreaking breakup which left you stunned. Is this a man you want to spend your precious life with?

You can't control his drinking now that you are apart you can't control how he feels about you. If you are not going to be with him you have to stop thinking about how he feels about you

Everyone is different as to healing from a relationship. You may need to get some help from a professional so you can find peace with your decision & life. Trying to rush & date other guys may be too much at this point. You may need more time to heal from this relationship.

If you really want to stay away from your ex &. You don't trust yourself you may need to block his number or change yours

It's ok to continue to love & care for him. I still love & care for mine. I just know I can't be with her. I can't see or talk to her. I can still love her

Just so you know it's all still very difficult for me. I am 6 weeks in All of these things are easy to say but hard to do

Going forward your going to slowly trust someone new by their actions over time. Not so much their words

I wish you all the best. I hope you find peace with your decision
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Old 07-15-2017, 05:08 PM
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Are you in Al-Anon or individual therapy or have a wellness routine for yourself? If you have a wall up five months after a year long relationship, you are still quite hurt and much of your turmoil likely predates that relationship. I broke up with my ABF about a month ago and I'd be completely lost without the emotional support, education and structure of Al-Anon and therapy. I realized that being with an alcoholic didn't come out of the blue, but rather magnified a lot of issues I've had all my life - even though he was the only active alcoholic I've been involved with.

There's no need to white knuckle it on your own, hoping that time will heal you. Lots of support is available so that you can not just pass time, but learn, grow and love again.
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Old 07-15-2017, 05:14 PM
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Welcome Bittersweetlove . . . .your name brought back some memories although I thought of my love for my qualifier as bitter, bitter, bitter sweet!

Anyone of us here will tell you that you did the right thing and many here will envy your wisdom in getting out and getting away as early as you did; however none of this makes it any easier to go through.

After 5 months some do feel better. I was not one of those. It took me a long, long time. You might give Alanon a try. Counseling can be helpful. This website is a life line for many.

Big hug!
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Old 07-15-2017, 05:20 PM
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Bittersweetlove.....It has only been 5 months....which is not long enough to complete the grieving process from a relationship that one invested a part of oneself into....
If you insist on a timeframe...lol...it takes about a year. The first year anniversary is usually a time of some angst ...and, after it passes, the whole thing takes on a feeling of past history, rather than acutely painful present experience....
This is based on the assumption that you are working o n your own self and going forth with living your life as fully as you possibly can....AND, it is based on staying no contact....if you re-engage with him, it will set you back, every time....
You are about at the halfway mark, and it should gradually get easier and easier....
The timeframes that I give are purely from my own experience and my observations....
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Old 07-15-2017, 06:23 PM
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what is right for me if he keeps coming back.

what is right for you remains REGARDLESS of what he does. you have the power to choose what is right for you. but waiting to see IF he MIGHT come back gives away that power.

2:30am calls on Monday from ex boyfriends mean one thing = drunk dialing. it's also fairly safe to assume you weren't the only call he made.

the best way to end that is to block his number. it isn't mean or cruel, it's just self preservation. it allows you to move on. and it is OK to move on from relationships! it's healthy to learn how to let go and let what was stay WAS. and we don't need to find a replacement right away.
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Old 07-16-2017, 04:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Bittersweetlove View Post
I feel weak and worry my love for him will overshadow what is right for me if he keeps coming back.
Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
It has only been 5 months....which is not long enough to complete the grieving process from a relationship that one invested a part of oneself into....
If you insist on a timeframe...lol...it takes about a year.
Of course, every person has their own timeline, but this was a year long relationship, not a marriage of several decades. After five months, if you're still feeling weak and vulnerable to falling back into the relationship, then very likely there is a lot going on for you now that pre-dates this man and that's likely why you still feel wounded. Yes, your experience of him brought up beautiful, deep love, but it also very likely brought up a lot that needed to be dealt with in yourself.

I find that this is another reason that Al-Anon and therapy are helpful, especially in the early months as we separate - and remember, I'm one month into my separation of a year and a half long relationship. They keep us focused on our own inner lives, our own issues, our own patterns, our own habits of thought, which is where the growth and healing are going to happen. Focusing on the A, his behavior, his feelings, whether or not he wants you back, etc. etc., keeps us locked in the unhealthy cycle of looking to others for our emotional fuel, for better or worse. Despite the enormity of the love you share(d), if you're still in the depths after five months after a year long relationship, then that's a big clue that healing needs to come from introspection and reflection on your entire life. It's not just about this one relationship and letting time pass. Your thread title asks how long it takes for your wound to heal. In my experience, healing takes about as long it does to find my very own soul again.
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Old 07-16-2017, 06:58 AM
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https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...thing-get-over

I think this is an interesting article on one aspect of grief and loss of a loved one..

I would like to add one more thought to the discussion, Of course, there are many variables in individual situations of loss of "love"....

I can remember having a discussion with a woman (a psychologist) who had several years experience in dealing with traumatic loss...she had been very involved in dealing with the victims of Katrina, in New Orleans...she was one of the emergency responders....
She said that people (in general) dealt with different types of loss according to how it came about....She said that people are more able to go forward with rebuilding their lives after natural disasters and "natural" and expected death, than after loss associated with betrayal of a loved one ---a lover or family member or extremely close/trusted friend.....
I have never forgotten that conversation.....as I have come to believe that there is a lot of truth in it....
I think that a lot of the loss that is discussed on this forum (not all, of course) is about this latter category of loss...
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Old 07-16-2017, 09:58 AM
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I guess my question is does this get better? If this man tries to come back in my life how have you handled a similar situation? Mostly, how do you learn to trust again

Yes it gets better but it takes time and a lot of work on ourselves to get to a happy place. I found going NC worked best. I blocked my exah ( we were married 20 years) on social media, email, phone and asked mutual friends and my adult kids to not discuss him with me. He was not allowed to come to my place but if he had I'd have not opened the door. The more contact I had the harder it was to let go. The less the easier it got to focus on myself and my own happiness.

You say you have a hard time dating. Then don't. I wasn't ready for dating for a very long time. I had to take the time to sort out my own issues and that can't be hurried. I love being single now. My first date post divorce was a disaster of sit com variety and I actually got out the poor man's car in a traffic queue and jumped over a sea wall to get away from him. It was cos I wasn't ready cos that same man has become one of my greatest friends. I cannot imagine life without him now.

You'll trust again when you have learnt to trust yourself first. xx
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Old 07-17-2017, 04:02 PM
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Thank you for all the words of wisdom. I think Mostly this has made my need for further support evident. I do feel stronger everyday but I also breakdown in tears when I think of all that has transpired with someone while I know isn't healthy for me to be with I still love deeply. I just have to continue to love myself more.
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