Having a tough time....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Seattle WA
Posts: 3
Having a tough time....
My brother, the “recovering” alcoholic drug abuser, has gotten a “recovering” crack addict pregnant! My brother has been struggling with addiction since his teen years, he is now 37 years old and has been sober for about a year. The woman has been clean for a matter of weeks – less time than she has been pregnant. She is already a single welfare mother of a 12 year old boy! What was he thinking getting her pregnant?!! Of course, he was not thinking.
Yesterday my brother tells me after 3 weeks of living with “the woman” he is moving out – probably back to my parents where he has been the past year. The woman is abusive, wants him to buy her this, that and everything in between (funny since he has neither money or a job!) and he wants to make sure he remains sober. He told me last night that he is not the type to read or listen to others – he learns only by doing! What?!
Enough of the details......I have Wednesdays off with my daughter who is sleeping at the moment while I cry and cry and cry some more all the while PRAYING that this woman loses this baby before it is born as a crack addicted baby. Oh my, what a nightmare.
How do I separate myself from this drama? I have to separate myself but today, at this moment, it is really tearing me up.
Thanks for listening.
Yesterday my brother tells me after 3 weeks of living with “the woman” he is moving out – probably back to my parents where he has been the past year. The woman is abusive, wants him to buy her this, that and everything in between (funny since he has neither money or a job!) and he wants to make sure he remains sober. He told me last night that he is not the type to read or listen to others – he learns only by doing! What?!
Enough of the details......I have Wednesdays off with my daughter who is sleeping at the moment while I cry and cry and cry some more all the while PRAYING that this woman loses this baby before it is born as a crack addicted baby. Oh my, what a nightmare.
How do I separate myself from this drama? I have to separate myself but today, at this moment, it is really tearing me up.
Thanks for listening.
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
SLB,
Serenity prayer is my offer. I use it all the time when I feel myself starting to obsess over something. Really listen to the words your saying in your mind
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Maybe a nap for you too? Might be just what the HP ordered.
Peace for today,
Petunia
Serenity prayer is my offer. I use it all the time when I feel myself starting to obsess over something. Really listen to the words your saying in your mind
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Maybe a nap for you too? Might be just what the HP ordered.
Peace for today,
Petunia
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
SLB -
Your brother is right saying that he only learns by doing. In my experience, alcoholics and addicts don't learn a lesson by listening to people tell them what they should or shouldn't do. They learn by facing the consequences of their actions.
The important thing to concentrate on is you. You don't have control over your brother or anyone else. You can learn to stay out of the chaos and live a peaceful life. Keep reading and posting. There are lots of great people here who know just how you feel and lots of wisdom on these boards.
I'm glad you're here and hope you stick around -
L
Your brother is right saying that he only learns by doing. In my experience, alcoholics and addicts don't learn a lesson by listening to people tell them what they should or shouldn't do. They learn by facing the consequences of their actions.
The important thing to concentrate on is you. You don't have control over your brother or anyone else. You can learn to stay out of the chaos and live a peaceful life. Keep reading and posting. There are lots of great people here who know just how you feel and lots of wisdom on these boards.
I'm glad you're here and hope you stick around -
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey SLB,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. Here is a link to a post about property lines and who owns what problems. I find it helpful when I'm trying to detach from things that I have no control over.
There are a lot of people here who understand what you're going through.
Stick around.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=16967
Welcome to Sober Recovery. Here is a link to a post about property lines and who owns what problems. I find it helpful when I'm trying to detach from things that I have no control over.
There are a lot of people here who understand what you're going through.
Stick around.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=16967
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Seattle WA
Posts: 3
OPh Petunia, that prayer has been my mantra for many, many moons but these last several hours it had not crossed my mind. Thank you for the reminder.
I know I should sleep but I am so stressed I found it difficult to do last night. I wake up in the middle of the night and just lie there thinking about what may happen....
The baby is waking and my husband is on his way home early because we had planned the daughter's first trip to the zoo today and we have company coming tonight. I need the distractions.
One of my other favorite sayings.....this too will pass.
I know I should sleep but I am so stressed I found it difficult to do last night. I wake up in the middle of the night and just lie there thinking about what may happen....
The baby is waking and my husband is on his way home early because we had planned the daughter's first trip to the zoo today and we have company coming tonight. I need the distractions.
One of my other favorite sayings.....this too will pass.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Seattle WA
Posts: 3
Thank you all for responding. The distraction of the zoo was a huge help. And a friend of my husband's stopped by last evening that we had not seen since the baby was born -- great to talk about lots of things and not my brother who this person does not even know.
Today, of course, everything is fine with the brother and girlfriend! Unfortunately, I let his chaos rattle my world much more than it rattles his. I am going to guess about 10 years ago I told him if he wanted a relationship with me he had to be sober - I have no interest in being around him otherwise. Because we are a close family, my parents, my brother and I, we have retained a relationship, however, not nearly as close as it was when we were younger. And, not quite four years ago when I met my husband, who has never touched drugs and can count on one time how many times he has been drunk, I believe we grew further apart. I have, with my mother's encouragement, broken the chain of addiction that runs on both sides of the family. I have never been a drinker but admittedly smoked a lot of pot in the past (not for almost 4 years -- quit before meeting the husband), however, it was never the center of my life -- I excelled in college and almost 10 years ago landed a fantastic job I hope to have until I retire. I am sure many of you see the "good kid"/"bad kid" scenario playing out here....
After letting his issues consume my emotions for a couple of days, today was better for me. One, I was back at work so had that distraction. And two, with the help of this board, was reminded that I have no power over his problems. I need to care for me and my family. As some of you know, a 10 month old baby requires a lot of energy and what little I have to spare should to be spent on my husband (even though, he might argue, some goes to the cat :-)
Although I do not have a lot of time to post, I am so happy to have found this space on the 'net where I can vent and others understand and I can read others stories and be reminded of how to cope with all these crazy issues that come up in life.
Today, of course, everything is fine with the brother and girlfriend! Unfortunately, I let his chaos rattle my world much more than it rattles his. I am going to guess about 10 years ago I told him if he wanted a relationship with me he had to be sober - I have no interest in being around him otherwise. Because we are a close family, my parents, my brother and I, we have retained a relationship, however, not nearly as close as it was when we were younger. And, not quite four years ago when I met my husband, who has never touched drugs and can count on one time how many times he has been drunk, I believe we grew further apart. I have, with my mother's encouragement, broken the chain of addiction that runs on both sides of the family. I have never been a drinker but admittedly smoked a lot of pot in the past (not for almost 4 years -- quit before meeting the husband), however, it was never the center of my life -- I excelled in college and almost 10 years ago landed a fantastic job I hope to have until I retire. I am sure many of you see the "good kid"/"bad kid" scenario playing out here....
After letting his issues consume my emotions for a couple of days, today was better for me. One, I was back at work so had that distraction. And two, with the help of this board, was reminded that I have no power over his problems. I need to care for me and my family. As some of you know, a 10 month old baby requires a lot of energy and what little I have to spare should to be spent on my husband (even though, he might argue, some goes to the cat :-)
Although I do not have a lot of time to post, I am so happy to have found this space on the 'net where I can vent and others understand and I can read others stories and be reminded of how to cope with all these crazy issues that come up in life.
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